Monday, December 31, 2007
On December 31, in the year 1997, Quaker Oats and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology settled a lawsuit regarding their involvement in experiments which exposed more than 100 institutionalized mentally retarded children to radioactive oatmeal from 1945 to 1956. Though under the deceptive guise of attempting to prove that the nutrients in Quaker oatmeal travel throughout the body, the true goal of the experiments were to create an army of superhuman mutants to aid in Quaker Oats' mission of world domination.
It is well known that the founders of the company chose to use the trademarked smiling man in Quaker garb because Quakers, in addition to standing for good quality and honest value, have long desired to rule the nations of the earth with rosy cheeks and an iron fist. But it was not until the company's fateful choice to use actor Wilford Brimley in their now infamous 1980's ad campaign that the board of directors truly focused on complete control of the planet and all of its inhabitants.
The ads, which ran simultaneously on every television station in the world at the top of each hour for almost 15 years, showed a piping hot bowl of oatmeal being handed to a young disheveled child who stood in the front of a long line of equally dirty and malnourished men, women, and children. The boy's eyes light up as he begins to devour the oatmeal, and he is stood against a wall where he is shot through the back of the skull. The camera zooms in on the half eaten bowl of oatmeal, which is now beginning to fill with the bright red blood pouring from the dead young child. Brimley's voice then booms over a loudspeaker placed above the muddy pen where more people are held, saying "Complete subservience. It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."
If not for the heroic efforts of the surviving super soldiers created by the radioactive oatmeal some 40 years before, this grim picture of the future may have become a reality. Although some experts fear that the company is beginning to once again work on their nefarious plans to hold dominion over mankind. This time, with the FDA in the pockets, as well as the bulk of the medical establishment, Quaker Oats is primed to make significant advances in doing just that. Their products have already been legally allowed to claim heart health benefits, and soon they will be allowed to advertise as preventing cancer, autism, erectile dysfunction, and male pattern baldness. Once the doctors are in league with them, the lawyers will be next, and then the pathway to ultimate power is clear.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
According to a press release from the network, the program, which involves ten untrained adult Siberian tigers, "pits a series of amateur animal trainers against each other in a contest of wits, as well as the will to harness the ferocious nature of both the wild tiger and man, culminating in America choosing which two trainers will face off in the climactic final battle inside the Death Dome. It's time to put your tiger where your mouth is!"
"We at Fox are deeply sorry for the loss of this young man's life and feel that airing When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America might be considered by some to be in poor taste," Fox owner Rupert Murdoch explained. "In working to put shape and form on programs at Fox, there will be shows with no outer limits, and the only rules that we will enforce on these programs is they must have taste, they must be engaging, they must be entertaining and they must be original."
Fox executives have narrowed the replacement of When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America down to a handful of fine programs:
1. A live action remake of ThunderCats starring real cats with Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of Snarf.
2. The Early Birds: Operation Iraq, an epic mini-series starring Ernest Borgnine as a crotchety former army sergeant who re-enlists and is sent to the northern Iraqi settlement of Qahtaniya. In the process of helping a ragtag bunch of misfits defend the villagers from wave after wave of Al-Qaeda soldiers, he must find a way to forget the past and open his heart.
3. Reruns of When Tigers Attack VI: Who Wants to Marry a Tiger.
4. Temptation Broom Closet
5. Monkey Medium, a thriller about a psychic chimpanzee who teams up with a very skeptical Burt Reynolds to solve a new case each week, with hilarious results. Tony Shalhoub makes an unforgettable guest appearance as a depressed zoo employee with a heart of gold.
Friday, December 28, 2007
"Most people associate early death with rock and roll stars and not classical musicians," Lead researcher Dame Shinga Salisbury explained in an emergency press conference held today in the family room of a local Judy Dench's Fish and Chips. "Between 1956 and 2005 there were 100 deaths among the 1,064 musicians we examined. What we are trying to do is expose the sordid underbelly of the industry in the hopes that a number of future casualties might be avoided."
The study found that classical musicians were most at risk in the first five years after being named first chair in their respective orchestra, with death rates more than three times higher than normal amongst woodwinds and up to 5 times higher in the brass section. But Dame Salisbury discovered a suprising correlation between stringed instruments and premature demise. "The violinists in our study seemed to drop like flies. And while the brass section deaths typically resulted from blunt trauma to the skull, the violinists often went down with a bow to the neck, severing the jugular vein."
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
"One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the Bible is the poor character development of the character known as Jesus," ghostwriter Frank Sarpong explained. "He's got a mysterious past, exciting superpowers, and the kind of tormented angst that today's 18-35 crowd can relate to, but just when things are getting going, bam he's dead, buried, and ascended."
In addition to providing some new details regarding the events that took place during his 30 years as a carpenter, a time largely left shrouded in mystery in other books of the Bible, the new books will focus on the origin of Jesus's supernatural abilities such as altering the density of his body, changing the chemical make-up of fluids, and creating matter. Sarpong is looking to give Jesus a modern take. "The whole God did it reason isn't flying with today's more savvy readers anymore. I haven't decided whether to go with genetic mutation or alien technology yet, but either way he's going to be fighting crime, and possibly dinosaurs."
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
"I've read the literature on this again and again," Dr. Fortson, S.T.D explained. "And in double-blinded placebo controlled Bible readings, there just isn't anything I can find to support this supposed link. This is just another example of the wealth of scientific data revealing the special creation by God of all life on earth."
A long-time skeptic of the theory of Darwinian evolution, and its driving force known as natural selection, Fortson has designed a variety of research protocols to test its validity. "First off, you have to have a full grasp of these processes before you can start finding the weak areas. Natural selection, at least as proposed by some scientists around the world, occurs when heritable traits that are favorable increase in prevalence in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, while unfavorable traits become less common. It sounds nice, but it just doesn't tend to pass muster when put to the test in properly designed scientific studies."
Dr. Fortson, S.T.D. has proposed a list of questions for the supporters of Darwinian evolutionary theory to answer. She reveals, "This is the heart of my research. I've spent years exploring every aspect of this issue and to be quite frank, if evolution is really happening, then these are questions that not only could be answered, they should be."
1. If we are the result of an evolutionary progression from monkey to man, why are there still monkeys?
2. How could humans have evolved from single celled organisms in only 6,000 years?
3. Why are there no documented cases of a cats giving birth to dogs?
4. Why can't scientists create life in a laboratory?
5. Why are fossils always buried underground? What are you trying to hide?
6. Why are there no transitional fossils that capture the process of evolution happening in real time such as a cat turning into a dog or a fish into a walrus?
7. Why do you want to burn in hell?
8. What is DNA?
9. Why do bananas fit so perfectly into the human hand, proving that they were designed for us specifically in mind?
10. What is the deal with the platypus?
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.
I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences, to assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invicible spear.
But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that today the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than yesterday, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.
Friday, December 21, 2007
"I heard that she ate them last week on Fox News," amateur photographer Mark Flemming explained. "And when I saw her with one of them at a Krispy Kreme the other day I figured that maybe she had just eaten one of them. But then I saw the other kid in the car. I don't know what to believe anymore."
Disturbed by the false information being reported in the mainstream press, Grace held a press conference today to clear up any misconceptions regarding her plans to eat her 6-week-old twins. "Don't get me wrong America, I'm going to eat my babies when it feels right. The holidays are coming up so maybe I'll eat them on Christmas or perhaps on New Year's Eve. I haven't decided yet, but it's my decision."
Grace plans on returning to her hit CNN program, "Nancy Grace", on January 7th. In the meantime, you can catch her on most nights, prowling around Atlanta back alleys biting the heads off of rats, stray cats, and the occasional homeless person in order to drain their life essence.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
"It's about time this nonsense comes to an end," Fishbein explained as he unrolled razor wire. "Any incursions into my land will be taken as an act of aggression and will be dealth with swiftly and harshly."
Local children are not impressed with Fishbein's escalation in tactics to prevent their use of his front yard for activities ranging from digging for dinosaur bones and buried treasure to racing bikes and go-carts. 9-year-old Timmy Pritchard revealed that "I don't care what that old man says. He's got the biggest yard in the neighborhood and some sweet hills too. I can get like 10 feet in the air on my bike. Really!"
After the razor wire, and the perimeter tar pit, the children will need to navigate a pretty heavy placement of anti-personnel landmines. Fishbein has also hired a Columbian paramilitary force, which he will pay based on the number of kills, to man a lengthy series of machine-gun nests and concrete bunkers. If the kids do manage to penetrate beyond this point, Fishbein has placed a number of motion sensitive sensors that, if activated, will set off a self-destruct mechanism resulting in the detonation of a 10 megaton explosive device. As a last resort, he has added a new underground sprinkler system that he will turn on.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
"The last time I checked, the United States Constitution didn't have a BMI requirment," Rosenblatt explained. "Is it too much to ask for me to come in, butter my coke, and lose myself in the meliferous instrument that was Diane Keaton's voice in Because I Said So or in the comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy in Norbit?"
Theater owner Melfred Strand was concerned about the possibility of bad press leading readers to making an unfair judgement about the inhabitants of this small Michigan town. "I don't want people thinking that the good folks in Paw Paw don't know how to treat people in a fair and decent manner. Most folks 'round here don't care if you're fat, skinny, black, white, mexican, or chinese cause we're all God's children. I mean we aren't like those stupid muslims who'd just as soon kill ya as look at ya."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"I can't believe this is happening to me," Dan Gergles, a Nashville native whose 15-month old adopted son Trevor was recently auctioned on the Davidson County courthouse steps, explained. "I didn't even realize that my son was a subprime adoption. I mean, if a 24-year-old college drop-out making $7,000 dollars a year delivering pizzas can't obtain a quality adoption in this country who can? Bill Gates? Madonna?"
I asked financial advisor, cult leader, and radio talk show host Deek Rimley, whose Church of Monetary Placidity is located in nearby Franklin, Tennessee, about subprime adoptions.
According to Deek, subprime adoptions have higher rates than equivalent prime adoptions, and they're frequently given to folks who shouldn't be adopting in the first place. These adoptions often have a prepayment penalty, balloon payment, or an adjustable rate, but people are drawn to them though because they often have low initial payments. A sturdily constructed child with no concerning history of maternal drug abuse, congenital malformations, or developmental delays is very hard to pass up for a lot of people.
Deek's advice is pretty simple: If you're being offered a subprime adoption, there is a decent chance you just aren't ready to become a parent, at least not of a quality child with no obvious defects or deformities, and without a severe attachment disorder.
If you are in debt, have a poor credit score, or a history of anger management issues, you probably aren't ready. Perhaps you are better off waiting to get settled financially, and psychologically, before taking on being a full-time parent. But if you are determined to adopt, there are options that won't leave you stuck with a subprime adoption.
1. Try adopting the natural way, by impregnating, or being impregnated by, a stranger during a one night stand. If you play your cards right, and take enough incriminating photos while they are under the influence of any one of a number of drugs that can be easily disolved into their cocktail, you may even be able to avoid the hassle of a lengthy custody trial.
2. Adopt an irregular infant or toddler. Who says that children have to be perfect, to be perfect for you? There are literally millions of children in the world with chronic diseases, missing limbs, and sociopathic personality disorders that disqualify them from being adopted by more financially secure families.
3. Many agencies are perfectly willing to work with you financially without resorting to a subprime adoption. Often you'll find that paying cash up front for a child will lead to substantially reduced prices, and some agencies may even take trade-ins. If you don't ask you'll never know, so don't be shy.
4. Consider renting to own, a fantastic way to obtain a child without taking on debt. Rent to own stores won't even ask for a down payment and the child can be returned at any time without penalty. And many transactions will include an early buyout clause that could come in handy should you win the lottery or find a bag of money just lying around.
5. Lots of people have more children than they need, and it isn't fair now is it. Just take one. But be sure to leave a note explaining how badly you want a child, and what a good parent you will be. And remind them of how many children they have left and how perhaps they should stop being so selfish.
Monday, December 17, 2007
The obvious flaw in this conclusion is that it did not take into account the existence of a vast conspiracy involving the executive, judicial, and legislative branches of the United States government, the entirety of the United States military, government workers across all levels, city and state police and fire departments, the medical establishment, the pharmaceutical industry, the aliens, the abductees, thousands of eye witnesses and film developers, the movie industry, the Italian Maffia, the Yakuza (Japanese Maffia), Bill Gates, Ted Turner, me, and many thousands of addition parties.
Thankfully there are those brave men and women who face certain death in revealing the existence of this conspiracy to the world.
Chiropractic Researchers Find Dangerously Few Medical Doctors Practice Standard of Care Chiropractic.....
"We knew that the numbers wouldn't be up to where they should be, but this was a very unexpected finding," Head researcher Lance Buckstern explained. "It isn't clear yet why the near totality of conventionally trained physicians appear to be ignorant of the healing powers of chiropractic techniques, so more study in this area is imperative. But according to our preliminary data, scientific medicine can almost be defined by its near complete lack of interest in chiropractic techniques, diagnostic devices, or even in holistic spinal health in general. That's pretty scary."
Not alone in his concern, many chiropractors across the nation are stepping up and offering special discounted rates to new customers, with some even waiving the costs of xrays and other standard diagnostic devices in an effort to bring the established benefit of chiropractic to more people in their communities. Dr. Frank Grimes D.C. of Belvidere, Nebraska explains that "If you come in before January 1st, I'll include the intial exam, full spinal series of xrays, thermal spine imaging, nutritional evaluation, the first month in our extended maintenance spinal health plan, and bottles of my SuperGreen anti-oxidant supplements, StemSupport vitamins, and anti-aging cream for only $135.99. And if you bring in the kids, I'll see them for half the price!"
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Amazingly, Nostradamus himself had predicted the event in the recently discovered 43rd quatrain from Century VII in the third edition of The Prophecies:
"On the night of repose amongst the stocks;
the armament shall yield to a single defect.
Moonlight and a cold reception awaits the brothers,
and the depths accept their brazen entreaty."
During a recent taping of world-renowned psychic John Edward's television program Cross Country, which took place Alcatraz Island, the best-selling author and communicator with the deceased contacted two men with first names that started with a J, T, M, R, Z, Q, L, or Y who enjoyed being around the water. It was later confirmed by both an independant psychic and a Ouiji Board that the two men were the Theodore Cole and Ralph Roe.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except for Jesus, or prohibiting the free exercise of placing the Ten Commandments in federal court houses alongside inflatable nativity scenes; or abridging the freedom of speech about accepting Jesus into our hearts, or of the press, especially The 700 Club or anything said or written by Pat Robertson; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble to worship Jesus in public school classrooms and during football halftimes, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances from evil atheists who want to take Christ out of Christmas. Dear Lord, Our Heavenly Father, please bless this Bill of Rights, We Praise you, Amen."
Naturally this flies in the face of those misinformed secularists who claim that there is no mention of God, or Jesus, or even The 700 Club in the United States Constitution.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Other events of historical significance having occured on December 17 in the past, or destined to at some point in the near or distant future:
1. 1903 - The Wright Brothers made their first powered and heavier-than-air flight in the Wright Flyer at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.
2. 1953 - Birth of Bill Pullman, American actor.
3. 1969 - Project Blue Book: The USAF closes its study of UFOs, stating that sightings were generated as a result of "A mild form of mass hysteria, Individuals who fabricate such reports to perpetrate a hoax or seek publicity, psychopathological persons, and misidentification of various conventional objects."
4. 1989 - Premiere of hit animated television series The Simpsons.
5. 2015- Chiropractic reform movement will denounce the existence of the subluxation however it's sole member Stephen Pearle will be jailed without trial under the recently enacted anti-reason legislation pushed through congress by President Trudeau.
6. 2023- A new imaging technique, harnassing the power of human energy fields and the injection of radioactive material directly into acupuncture points, will prove the existence of meridians and forever change the way humanity approaches the study of medicine and science as a whole.
7. 2038- Deepak Chopra will achieve a higher quantum plane of existence and will use his newfound limitless power to declare himself emperor of the Universe and the "Eater of Worlds".
8. 2047- Homeopathic scientists, now achieving unheard of dilutions, will push the envelope one succussion too far thus wiping humanity off of the face of the earth.
9. 187,234,968- Humanity, having again come into existence via the process of natural selection will blame the coming of night on the anger of the Sun God, thus reinventing religion.
10. 191,387,211- Birth of Bill Pullman, American actor.
See you in a week!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
A number of unrelated problems has led to the supply shortage, beginning with a new plant in Algeria ramping up production later than anticipated, and with half the expected capacity. A plant in Qatar is also coming online slower than expected. And with the world's largest source of commercial grade gerbils, the Exxon Gerbil plant in Wyoming, operating at only 80 to 85 percent of capacity, you have a recipe for disaster.
In response to the shortage, the Bureau of Gerbil Manaqement (BGM), which provides the crude unrefined gerbils to refiners, has begun to put new restrictions in place on the number of crude gerbils that can be taken by each refinery. And the price of gerbils has more than doubled in the past few years. Yet the demand is unlikely to drop off as gerbils have become such a vital part of so many industries, from NASA to medical technology, and such popular pets thanks to their many amazing properties, not the least of which is their use in producing the superconducting magnets used in MRI machines.
The inability to obtain a steady supply of quality gerbils is already affecting the beleaguered freight locomotive industry, which relies on gerbils to power its fleet of trains. "One of the biggest advancements in locomotive technology was the discovery that the combustion of a single gerbil released many times more energy than a herd of gerbils could produce running in an exercise wheel," locomotive industrialist Mathias W. Baldwin Jr. explained. "We'll make do with lower octane rated gerbils for a while, but eventually we'll just have to start hurling hamsters and kittens in those furnaces."
Experts do not foresee an end to this crisis for at least two years. But scientists are assuming that gerbil production may never return to pre-2006 levels and are already busy developing new methods and techniques to use gerbils more efficiently, or not at all.
Sine the early years of the 20th century, gerbils were the only rodents stable enough to use in dirigibles and other lighter than air aircraft. The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company's now infamous experiment with muskrat induced bouyant lift during last year's Superbowl resulted in the deaths of countless thousands of spectators however there was some recent success with the use of a vole/lemming combination during the recent Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Studies have revealed that this combination provides 92.6% of the lift seen with gerbils but is equivalent in regards to toxicity and corrosiveness.
The answer may also be found in improved gerbi recycling technologies, but organizations such as Greenpeace and the Gerbil Liberation Front (GLF) have for years been calling for an end to any use of the rodents, even for home heating. Wild unrefined gerbils have kept many a down-on-his-luck hobo warm during a harsh winter, but GLF and PETA feel that this violates the inherent rights of gerbils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of seeds and small bits of cheese. PETA representative have declared and undertaken a war on homeless people until gerbils are allowed to vote.
But regardless of how this crisis is resolved, many people are going to be deeply affected. In situations such as this it is difficult to find a silver lining. Some people will lose their livelihoods, and some will almost undoubtedly lose their lives. This is the bed we made by developing a world so dependant on gerbils.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
"This is really a win-win solution for the city," Mayor White explained. "The elderly are usually the first people to arrive at our malls, which they use to fulfill their social and leisure needs in a desperate attempt to fill the glaring void left by their near total abandonment by younger and more productive friends and family members. This is a chance for these now useless drains on society to give something back instead of just taking all of the time."
Not everyone is satisfied with the Mayor's plan however. Chauncey Jergens, the chief security officer at Houston's upscale Galleria shopping center revealed that “Customer safety, comfort and convenience have always been of the utmost importance here at The Galleria. Our comprehensive security program includes foot, bicycle and vehicle patrols seven days a week by uniformed and non-uniformed mall public safety officers and our canine patrols are particularly effective at keeping out undesirables.”
According to Jergens, all mall entrance personel perform thorough searches of bags, clothes, and body cavities in an effort to better ascertain the worthiness of potential shoppers to have access to The Galleria's many classy boutiques, specialty shops, and restaurants. Background checks are quickly performed in order to assess their socioeconomic status as well. "If you've got a credit score below 750 you can pretty much forget getting in here."
Friday, December 7, 2007
"We were looking for someone young," Underoo Chief Executive Mounir Moufarrige explained. "The house needed a designer whose mind wasn't tethered to mediocrity by the loathsome abominations that were churned out in the past."
Cortazar plans on throwing out more classic lines, like Superman and Wonder Woman, in favor of heading in a new direction. "The old lines were all about heroes and one-dimensional do-gooders. Times have changed. People have changed. Today's children are into the bad guys because they are the characters with the most depth."
Cortazar's new line of undergarments will feature a host of both classic and contemporary villains such as Solomon Grundy, Mr. Myxlplyx, and Tony Soprano. Also, in addition to the standard small, medium, and large sizes, there will be a new husky size geared towards more calorically dense children. Sets of 3 100% cotton tee-shirt and briefs combos will run for around $800.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
"This movie, and the books that inspired it, should never be experienced by children being raised in the faith," Catholic Coterie of America president Burton Shoemaker explained. "Even the slightest introduction of a contrary idea might result in their turning to atheism and its complete lack of morality. Religion is the only thing that has so far prevented our nation's youth from drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sexual relations."
Even more outraged are the members of SSSA, a group of sailors who support the use of sextants and astrolabes for navigating the world's oceans. "Arrrr! Right there in the title it be! If these bilge rats don't avast, and smartly, the children will come to think that a compass be the only instrument what be helpin a man find their way through these dark waters."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
"This is an outrage and a blatant misuse of these sacred images," Bishop Ralphio Macchiovito De Miyagieschi, a member of the Italian Bishops Conference Committee for Dotrinal Matters, explained. "Such praiseworthy icons belong on more appropriate surfaces like grilled cheese sandwiches, tortillas, pine doors, and greasy office building windows. This is clearly the work of the Satan."
The controversy has even reached the United States, where battle lines are being clearly drawn. Trucker Dermot McCurdy is less concerned about the images of Saints than the potential that this might inspire copycat services making use of other personally meaningful images. "I'd be pretty offended if anybody put a picture of Old Glory on a cell phone. That would only tarnish its image, and detract from the awe inspired by seeing our beloved flag painted on stock cars and women's underwear."
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
"It's been a while since the last case," Investigative officer Captain Emil Foley explained. "The current conflict is no picnic and high levels of stress, and the constant fear of death, seems to bring out the worst in some people. Some of these soldiers are just kids, you know."
The Manual for Courts-Martial defines eyeballing as the act of looking directly at a superior officer, particularly during training exercises while in line formation, when use of peripheral vision is preferred. Punishment resulting from a conviction of eyeballing could range from a dock in pay to being skull-fucked to death.
Monday, December 3, 2007
"We aren't used to these kinds of horrific crimes in Lubbock," Chief of Police Wayne Payton explained. "We were really at a loss until we heard the news about the Spice Girls."
The news that Detective Payton is referring to was the announcement that the Spice Girl's reunion and world tour had kicked off with a bang in Vancouver on December 2nd, just one day prior to the grisly events in Lubbock.
"There was plenty of time for them to make it to Lubbock, shoot the 7 victims execution-style, dismember their corpses with a machete, cook and eat the victim's genitals, and return to Vancouver for the concert. We don't have a motive yet, but this is just too big of a coincidence to be ignored."
The Spice Girl's have so far refused to comment on these serious allegations.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Saturday, December 1, 2007
"Law 137.9a: There shall be no picking of turnips after Founder's Day until the first full moon of the new year. Violaters of this law shall be buried unto their waist for a sixth night."
"I'm a big fan of Law 137.9a," Mayor Spooner Jenkins explained. "It's still very much applicable to today's modern Belvidere. Seriously, who hasn't been frustrated with late season turnip pickers?"
"Ordinance 214.G1: The breeding of irregular sheep is henceforth to be punishable by hanging. Spontaneously occuring irregular sheep are to be slaughtered and buried with haste."
"We've had 3 executions already this month," Jenkins revealed. "It's good for moral to see what can happen if you break the law around here."
Friday, November 30, 2007
"I was just about to hock a sick loogie in this guy's double bacon burger," Shelby explained. "And it just hit me you know, all at once like. I'm like, just this little speck. And like, my entire life is like not even an instant in geological time. What does it all mean? Why am I here and all that junk, you know. There has to be more to life than working at Arby's."
Dale Shermer, a frequent patron of Arby's and the recipient of the mucus soaked hamburger, was unaware of the significant introspective advance in Shelby's ability to understand the nature of his role in the cosmos. "That's wonderful," he revealed. "It's nice knowing that not all these punk kids think the world revolves around themselves. Wait, he did what?"
Thursday, November 29, 2007
"Stress has long been known to both initiate and exacerbate medical conditions from asthma to herpes zoster, and everything in between," Gerberding explained. "But until now there hasn't been a focused and concerted effort to combat its ill effects."
Gerberding described a multi-tiered approach to decreasing stress levels, starting with some simple first steps. "Americans are overtired, overworked, and overstressed. The key to less stress is more time." According to Gerberding, there are a number of simple and effective ways to add precious minutes to our days that can be set aside for rest and relaxation:
1. Sitting in traffic consistently ranks high on the list of major stressors. Try to find ways of making the commute shorter. Speeding is an effective time saver. And studies show that for every car you block from entering the freeway in bumper to bumper traffic, you'll be able to spend an extra hundreth of a second unwinding at the end of the day.
2. Do what doctors do to save time and abbreviate everything. You'll not only have more "me" time but you'll be cooler to boot. So the next time you need to ask your best friend forever for a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich as soon as possible before your alcoholics anonymous meeting, remember this tip.
3. If adding abbreviations to your daily routine isn't doing the trick, try cutting out speaking entirely. Make postcards with common words and phrases that you can simply pass out to people during conversations. Or learn to read minds.
4. One of the biggest time drains that people participate in on a daily basis is basic hygiene. After just a few days of enjoying the extra time on your hands you gain from skipping that morning shower, you'll literally be able to smell the stress melting away.
5. Space age technology has led to many advancements in introducing sustenance into the human body. Taking advantage of these can shave minutes off of you day that can go towards stress reducing activities. Chewing is obsolete with today's modern portable IV nutrition systems, but these are bulky and add wind resistance. And experimental concentrated suppositories can be messy and uncomfortable. Just ask yourself what's more important, living a healthy stress free life or eating.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
"This is merely another example of R.J Reynold's focus on public safety," R.J. Reynolds spokeswoman Jean Smithy explained. "The last thing that we want to do is to give the impression that cigarettes are for everyone. Because they aren't. They are absolutely off limits to children and to be honest, adults shouldn't smoke them either. We just can't stress this enough. Please do not smoke our cigarettes."
R.J. Reynolds has also announced that they will stop producing and offering a number of cigarette related products and services which have been targeted by critics:
1. Tobacco Tots Tobacotastic Toddler Safe-T-Seats with built in ashtray and Safe-T-Lighter with reduced entry port to reduce risk of finger burns
2. Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack Family Style Restaurants and Amusement Parks
3. Baby Got Bacco Infant Formula now with Comfort Carcinogens
4. Tobacco Junction: All Aboard! Where the Cool Kids Hang Out and Do Cool Stuff, hosted by Nicole Kidman and Ciggy the Bear
"We can't help but feel at least partially responsible for the widespread popularity of smoking," Smithy revealed. "This is just us doing our part to make up for that."
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
"Over the past few years, we've claimed that a number of episodes were the most powerful ever, or had an ending you had to see to believe," ER creator, producer, and writer Michael Crichton explained. "But we really mean it this time."
The show, thought by many to be past its prime and fading into irrelevance, is known for its exciting plot twists. Many critics, however, are declaring the announcement to be just more empty Hollywood hype, but Crichton isn't backing down. "In one episode, a while back, a tank crashed into the place. Well this time there's gonna be two tanks and a hovercraft. Plus we've got Doug Ross returning and he's a robot, The Muppets making a cameo as a band injured in a bus crash, and guess who's an alien. Let's just say that the ending is going to be out of this world. Literally!"
Monday, November 26, 2007
"We're just exctited to finally have a lead on this case," Chief of Police Mildred Hubble explained. "Things were starting to get pretty cold until an eyewitness stepped forward with some crucial details."
Arby Stumpwald, the 3-year-old daughter of Bort and Erma, revealed to the authorities that "a pink baby giraffe climbed into my bed and went poo-poo in my bed." According to Chief Hubble, the baby giraffe likes chicken nuggets and is also a bear.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
This memo is the evidence we've been waiting for," 9/11 Truth representative Chirt Winkle explained. "This mistakenly leaked document is all the proof we need that our government is capable of maintaining a vast conspiracy, involving thousands of individuals, to cover up what happened on September 11th, 2001. Any attempts at covering this up will just be more covering up of what they're already covering up."
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino discussed the memo in a press conference held this morning, stating that "There is absolutely nothing in this document that supports any conspiracy theory regarding the fate of the fallen World Trade Center buildings."
Winkle, upon hearing of Perino's remarks, exclaimed "You see! I was right! I've managed to avoid being noticed so far but you must tell the world what I have discovered if something happens to me."
Saturday, November 24, 2007
"There are a lot of worried people out there," Store manager Herman Moody explained. "Anything we can do to put customer's minds at ease is a good thing. Providing a safe shopping environment where folks can buy what they need at reasonable prices is our highest priority."
But not everyone supports the use of complimentary hand wipes for this purpose. Physician and noted skeptic Maynard Grimp is concerned that it will further confuse the general public and add undeserved legitimacy to the practice. "Complimentary is just a marketing term," Dr. Grimp revealed. "There is no such thing as complimentary hand wipes, only hand wipes that have been proven to work and hand wipes that have not."
Friday, November 23, 2007
"I couldn't believe it," Gordon explained. "I've been dreaming about this for so long but I had pretty much given up on it ever happening. We've missed out on so much being seperated for all this time. Do we even have anything in common? Will we get along? I'm happy, but I'm pretty nervous at the same time."
In what can only be described as an epic adventure, Gordon's foreskin was involved in a cross country trek that tested its will to survive and its ability to put its painful past behind it and learn to open its heart. Joined by a rebellious and troubled accessory nipple, and a gang of aging skin tags along the way, his foreskin was forced to discover the true meaning of friendship and of sacrifice.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
"It's absurd that these impromptu, impeccably choreographed numbers still occur in this day and age, but with the popularity of recent movies like Chicago, and television shows like Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin, we've been experiencing more and more of them," Councilmember Dan LaRose explained. "It sounds like it would be a lot of fun, and it is at first, but I'm 53 years old and recently had heart surgery. Somebody could get hurt."
Members of the City Council aren't the only ones upset about the recent spate of spontaneous musical productions. Local parent Tina Watson is concerned about the effect on her children. "My son, he's a senior at Centerton High, was late for a test because one of the Jenkins boys decided to sing about being in love with some girl from Russelville."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
14%-Texting IH8U, ITZ OVR U SOB!
21%-Extending the restraining order to 500 feet
13%-On The Montel Williams Show right after the results of the paternity test are announced
15%-One snide remark too many
12%-Joining the Holy Church of Hannah Montana
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Shimonoseki, Japan-A fleet of four Japanese research vessels recently embarked on a mission to investigate the reproductive and feeding patterns of whales, including up to 50 humpbacks, with plans to study just over 1,000 of the aquatic giants in order to better understand these mysterious and gentle ocean dwelling mammals.
The vessels, manned by whale researchers equipped with specially designed research tools such as large spearlike explosive projectiles connected by thick rope to a deck-mounted propulsion system. These projectiles, critical in helping the Japanese government to achieve its goal of studying enough whales to satisfy the nation's intense hunger for knowledge of these beloved sea creatures, is designed to easily penetrate the thick layers of whale fat and lodge itself in the flesh. The sharpened science spikes prevent the test subjects from dropping out of the study prior to being pulled aboard where consent is obtained prior to further research taking place.
"As soon as we received IRB approval on this we jumped at the opportunity to contribute to the existing literature regarding whales," mission leader Hajime Ishikawa explained. "Our appetite for understanding whales is not to be taken lightly. We will study whales until we fully grasp all of their delicious inner workings and behavior, even if we must study every last whale on this planet."
Katsumi Miyagi, a Japanese-American living in New York, is excited about the prospects of doing hands on research of her own. "Once you try it, and get a taste for whale research, you just want to study them all the time," she explained. "I especially enjoy studying whale with soy sauce and just a dab of wasabi. I find that they best compliment the joy of discovery."
Monday, November 19, 2007
"In today's climate of lead laden Chinese toys being found in every playroom, it's nice to know that not only is Play-Doh safe to eat but it's good for growing children," Dietician Isabelle Johnson explained. "The exact composition of Play-Doh is a tightly kept secret but studies have found it to be made up of mostly wheat flour and water but one serving, or about half a can, contains 100% of a child's recommended daily intake of salt, borax, and hardening agents. Plus, it is great source of the often neglected kerosene/petroleum distillate food group."
Hasbro CEO Alfred J. Verrecchia isn't suprised by the recent acceptance of the scientific community. "Many people don't realize that Play-Doh was first developed as a non-meat, non-vegetable, non-dessert TV dinner side dish. But while parents were eating the stuff, kids were playing with it. And then the FDA got involved. It was a messy business but who's laughing now?"
Across the nation, schools are beginning to offer this wholesome food substitute as a low-calorie but suprisingly filling snack in lunch rooms and vending machines. According to Verrecchia, in order to reach more non-traditional Play-Doh consumers, Hasbro is working on plans to produce an organic version. Gourmet Play-Doh is also in the pipeline.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
"I've been keeping up with the news so I wasn't too suprised when our Lord and Savior came to me for help," Vaughn explained. "Just the recent cyclone in Bangladesh alone would cause self-esteem issues in any Supreme Being whose lack of focus and follow-through had caused it. He may be the all-powerful Sustainer of All Things but that doesn't mean He wouldn't benefit from some brutal honesty every once in a while."
God, who has been criticized by some for allowing evil to exist, plans to start small and build up to answering more complicated prayers. "Well, I don't want to give away too much but that quarter inch of rain Georgia got last week was me. Oh, and college football is about to get a lot more interesting."
Vaughn, who has decided to focus entirely on God for the time being, did express some concern about his aggressive prayer answering strategy. "Sure, if you regrow a few limbs the numbers will look good for a while. But if the Big Guy overdoes it He might lose that whole "God works in mysterious ways" angle that's been working so well for so many years."
Saturday, November 17, 2007
"There I was just minding my own business, and trying to rent a movie, when the clerk got all up in my business," Stevens explained. "He kept trying to tell me how awesome the special effects were in Spiderman 3 and how funny Flight of the Concords is. Then he asked me if I had seen Transformers yet because the previously viewed copies were on saile for $10.99. I couldn't believe it. Is it too much to ask to just put the copy of Romancing the Bone in a bag and give me my change?"
Upon hearing of the event, Blockbuster CEO James W. Keyes expressed concern. "Unfortunately, this is not the first complaint we've had of inappropriately entered business. At Blockbuster, we believe that a person's business should never be gotten up in for any reason which is why there are such strict rules and regulations in place regarding interaction with customers."
Mr. Keyes went on to admit that a very serious checking of theyselves was in order, so that any future wrecking of theyselves might be avoided.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Whether camping out under the stars and enjoying the cool night air, or roughing it for sometimes days on end under the Vincent Thomas bridge, Hollingsworth just can't get enough quality time with Mother Nature. And this diehard outdoorsman often eschews tents and other typical camping equipment, preferring to face the challenges of exposure to the sometimes harsh elements and foraging for food in dumpsters.
Explains Hollingsworth, "I'm homeless."
Thursday, November 15, 2007
"I would have given anything to get those tickets for my 13-year-old daughter," Outman explained. "I can't even begin to imagine the pain and suffering that she must be going through right now. While that greedy little Miley Cyrus and her lackeys are making money hand over fist, my little angel is dying a little more inside every day."
The consensus amongst child psychologists and developmental pediatricians is clear when it comes to cases such as this. Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, a doctor who has experienced first hand the long lasting consequences of the sometimes irreparable emotional trauma resulting from SDS, or Severe Disappointment Syndrome, an entity which was well described in the 1952 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders but was removed for political reasons.
"I'll never forget the stormy night that my parents refused to allow me to see Leif Garrett in concert," Dr. Fleck revealed. "It was during the many years of intense psychotherapy necessary to finally begin to piece together my shattered ego, and to take my first tentative steps toward self-actualization, that I decided to become a psychiatrist."
Dr. Fleck has devoted his life to treating children whose emotional well-being has been severely impaired by SDS. "To the abusive parents who would perpetrate such potentially devastating actions upon a developing psyche I caution you. Your children's ability to function in society is at risk every time you tell them no."
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
"That baby mean!" Ms Givens explained. "He mean. Why he crying so much? Ain't nobody messin with him."
Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, who was immediately consulted by the infant's pediatrician, expressed much concern after interviewing the baby and his mother. "Yes, in my professional opinion this baby is quite mean. At no point in my attempt to converse with him did he answer any of my questions. He was belligerent throughout the encounter, ceasing his crying only when being fed. This kind of narcissistic behavior is common in mean babies."
The baby, who will be discharged under continuous surveillance by local law enforcement, has been placed on a cocktail of benzodiazepines and anti-psychotic medications. He will also undergo weekly psychiatric evaluations until his attitude improves.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
"When we started working with Nadia, I really didn't think we'd have this much success so early in the program," trainer Tawny Kincaid explains. "She didn't seem to want it bad enough, you know. If you are going to drop those pounds, you've got to stay focused and keep your eye on the prize and, well, she acted like this was all a big joke at first."
Team nutritionist Nancy Cadwallader, a veteran in the business of weight loss who has helped celebrities such as Nicole Richie and Lara Flynn Boyle win their fight against obesity, knew that the first obstacle for Nadia was cutting back on carbs, and that meant breast milk. "That stuff is like liquid cheese danish. Sure its got some protein in it, and some immunoglobulins, but it also has about 7% carbs."
This aspect of the program was the most difficult according to the team. Cadwallader reveals that "There is big emotional component to eating when it comes to newborns, who often turn to the bottle or breast for comfort when they experience negative emotions, such as stress, anger, or lonliness. Some newborns want to feed simply because they are awake and bored. It's not a good pattern for them to fall into."
Next for Nadia was the focus on physical activity. Kincaid, a trainer for a number of celebrity infants, says that being unable to perform purposeful movements or to see for more than a few inches in front of their faces is not an excuse to be lazy and inactive. "If they won't move then you have to move them!" Kincaid is a proponent of core training techniques such as Infant Pilates but admits that sometimes its okay to "blast the babies biceps every now and then, especially with male infants who do appreciate a more chiseled physique."
With Nadia's dramatic weight loss comes a wide array of health benefits. Pediatric endocriniatrist Niles Drakesly, a graduate of the Correspondence College of Tampa's Upstairs Medical College, couldn't be more pleased with her progress. "Morbidly obese infants face a number of health hurdles such as lipid plugged meridians, stagnant chi, angry liver, and phlegmatism. Nadia has none of these."
Nadia, now wearing a size 2 diaper, will soon be moving to New York to begin working as the spokesbaby for Quiznos' new Slimwich line of diet subs.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Of course not, because in their minds these medications are the only thing that work. Only now, instead of being considered a caring parent who simply wants their child to be comfortable enough to sleep, they are now going to be labeled as criminals. As we speak, new laws are being drafted that will lock these well meaning parents up for years in some cases.
Across the nation, underground black markets are being established where suburban housewives, career moms, and stay at home dads alike can go for their fix of children's antihistamines and cough suppressants, or "drip" as they are known on the street. One such father, who I won't identify for fear of criminal prosecution, said that this is his only recourse, driving into a bad neighborhood to buy cough syrup from the same man who sells crack to prostitutes.
Local police are at a loss, suprised by the rapidity of the emergence of these so-called "drip houses" and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of traffic to them. Officer Scott Parkman of the LAPD revealed that "I guess if you've got something that until a few weeks ago was given 3.8 billion times a year legally you are going to have a problem when all of a sudden that something is labeled as off limits."
Derik Scott, who has quit dealing crack to focus on the now more lucrative drip market, couldn't be happier with the FDA's ruling. "Man, I don't know the FDA from triple A but I know that the color of snot and money is both green. I get these parents pulling up now in their SUV's with 3 or 4 kids strapped in the back, hacking up a lung and faces smeared with mucus and you can just see the desperation on their faces. And I got just what they need. Sometimes one of 'em might get scared, drive off, but I know they'll be back."
(Listen to a reading of this post by a pediatrician known as Dr. Clay on the Podcast Doctors Unmedicated)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
"This is going to come as a shock to a lot of people," LaBeouf explained. "But I was diagnosed with cooties just last year. Yeah, they think I picked it up on the set of "Even Stevens", maybe from Christy Carlson Romano but nobody really knows for certain since she refuses to be tested to see if the strains match."
CDC researchers, such as Dr. Hammond St. Michelle, appreciate the added recognition that a star of LaBeouf's caliber brings but they are concerned about cootie research not being taken seriously. "Our understanding of cooties is so minimal at this point. We need to focus on the basics, such as how it is spread from person to person, what is the incubation time prior to the appearance of symptoms, and what can be done to treat already affected persons. We don't want this to become a game of who gave what to whom although in our scientific opinion Cameron Diaz is pretty nasty."
Saturday, November 10, 2007
"Then scary thing is that this increase was across the board," Lead investigator Dr. Hammond St. Michelle explained. "So we can't blame this on, say, the recently discovered increases in the number of nerds, geeks, dweebs, goobs and hyperdweebs in most regions. Some of these kids were pretty cool. Jocks, cheerleaders, homecoming queens, girls who put out on the first date, mysterious new kids with dreamy eyes and a troubled past. Nobody was spared."
Dr. Leo Trasande, assistant director of the Center for Children's Health and the Environment at the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City is very concerned higher cootie levels could lead to more childhood disease and disorders. "We are in an epidemic of cootie related disease among American children today. An effective vaccine against this scourge must become a top priority to medical researchers but I fear that the cootie shot may come too late for many of today's youth."
Elizabeth Whelan, president of the American Council on Science and Health, disagrees. "My concern about this new trend of "measuring" levels of substances in the blood that have been proven to be "deadly" is that people might begin to believe that their children could suffer some kind of harm just because similar levels have been shown to kill mice, or rats, or monkeys or something. Didn't we already go through all of this with second hand smoke?"
Friday, November 9, 2007
"I have been waiting for this day for almost two years," Linebarger explained. "I think that finally being able to confront him, and to hear an explanation from the man whose illegal cost-cutting resulted in my husband's death, will go a long way towards accepting this tragedy and moving on with my life. Also I want 30 million dollars."
Linebarger plans on putting the bulk of the 30 million dollars towards attempts at shattering the so far impenetrable wall that seperates the living and the dead. "Once my husband is reanimated, and our house finally sells, I hope to move to Vermont and open a bed and breakfast. But who knows when that will happen in this market."
Thursday, November 8, 2007
"In times like these, when our ability to make a decent living providing quality swords, maces, battle axes, and chain mail to the fine folk of Fort Wayne is in jeopardy, we must band together in opposition to this evil corporate giant," Blacksmith Hefa Estes explained. If this great beast is not challenged with grim determination, and eventually slain, Wal-Mart may do to blacksmithery what yonder Payless Shoesource did to our cordwaining brethren."
Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott is not amused. "This band of peasant blacksmiths is no match for our might and will fall before the sun again sets upon this land. They will surely fare no better than the falconers and gong farmers who came before them.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Tony's Pizza owner Tony "Knuckles" Fabiano explained. "These guys are out there putting their lifes on the line. It's the least we could do. So one of these guys could come in to the shop and bam, he'd gets a free pizza made special just for him. And I'll tell you, I really just wanna watch the guy eat that pizza. I wanna watch him eat all of that damn pizza!"
In addition to a number of pizzerias taking part, there are Italian restaurants, gentleman's clubs, trucking companies, and garbage collection agencies adding to the businesses offering substantial savings to federal witnesses. Businessman James "3 Fingers" Rabito revealed that "Yeah, we got somethin special for these guys. Like a trip far away that they might never come back from if you know what I mean. Maybe cause they wanted to spend some time with the fishes or something. I hear Acapulco is nice this time of year."
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
"If you had spoken to a primatologist or a sphenisciologist prior to this publication, they would have told you of the intense hatred between the two species," Zoologist Adam Sasaki explained. "It's difficult to accept these findings because the evidence up till now has pointed in a very different direction. But their study design is flawless. It looks like monkeys and penguins get along pretty well."
But one scientist, cryptozoologist Lars Pinkerton, is recommending caution in interpreting the findings in the paper. "One study isn't enough to warrant the 180 degree change in opinion that appears to be going on. You have to look at the entirety of the literature on the subject. Anecdotally, I've never seen a monkey and a penguin together in the same room. Coincidence?"
Monday, November 5, 2007
"We suggest that everybody just move along," White House Press Secretary Dana Perino explained. "There is nothing to see there folks. Just some routine, every day stuff of no consequence to you or your loved ones. Yep, just regular stuff. Nothing to do with UFOs or aliens of any kind."
Apparantly not everyone is buying this explanation however, especially journalist Fran Jenkins. "Now wait just a second. You just said something about UFOs. I think there may be something to see in Bakersfield after all!"
Perino, disappearing in a cloud of thick smoke, laughed maniacally.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
"Despite our reputation as the watermelon capital of Texas, among other contributions to our fine state, many folks simply do not feel comfortable with the town's name," Mayor Michaele Fox explained. "We want a name that better expresses what our town is all about so that potential tourists will be more likely to consider a visit. Now we just need to decide on what that name should be."
Council member Lillie Waller has already made up her mind. "There is a wonderful community of artists here in Hemphead, and we are especially proud of our work in earthenware, stoneware, and porcelain vessels." A number of name suggestions were considered by the town council prior to narrowing the field down to two finalists, which are Pothead and Marijuana Falls.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
"The sushi was served with a 2003 Riesling that was far too sweet," Catania explained. My scallopes were served with a Chardonnay that was just insulting. Sure it was drinkable, but severely overoaked. And the lamb came with a Syrah that tasted like the chef added raspberry syrup to it. I'm simply not going to stand for this kind of treatment, which is why I've filed a grievance with the Court of Master Sommeliers."
Master Sommelier Doug Frost, a member of the Court of Master Sommeliers (CMS) and widely considered to be America's foremost expert on pairing wine with food, was formally presented a copy of the grievance in the secret underground Fortress of Sommeliers earlier today. "This is what we, the members of the Court of Master Sommeliers and protectors of mankind, have been dreading for decades. A weak and uninspired list of pairings such as this is clear sign that the events of the great prophecy are finally at hand. We will do what we can to save humanity from the upcoming horrors, but even the combined powers of the Court of Master Sommeliers may not be enough."
Friday, November 2, 2007
"Most parents supervise their children while trick-or-treating so that they aren't abducted by sexual predators or hit by a car," Garrett explained. "Many are even aware of the need to inspect treats for hidden razor blades and poison. But suprisingly few parents are aware of another lurking danger that children face upon returning home."
Garrett does believe that Halloween treats can be deadly, even if they don't contain arsenic or HIV infected blood filled syringes, as is often the case these days. A simple MRI scan of your child's bag of goodies, and a run through a mass spectrometer, can rule out these concerns. According to Garrett, these basic safety checks unfortunately fall far short of fully protecting our children.
"Today's treats are chock full of dangerous, obesity causing substances such as sugar, fat, and trans fat. Studies I've heard of reveal that just one box of Nerds candies increases the risk of diabetes by 300%. And a Hershey's Minatures Mr. Goodbar decreases a child's life expectancy by 6 months. A Krackel by a full year. This is why I only give out healthy snacks and porn."
Thursday, November 1, 2007
"It's easy to assume that a young infant can't toilet train since infants are small and uncoordinated, and also because they cannot walk or talk," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at a local Freecheeks Diaperless Potty Training Center, explained. "But today's saavy baby is wisely considering his or her options before diving into any one particular program, even if it is one that the majority of parents have been using these days."
Pennock further revealed that "Our method isn't for everyone, but it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their newborn to 6 month old babies have to say about their personal elimination functions. And all they will need is enough newspaper to cover the floors of their house and a garden hose. But what they won't need is any more diapers!"
Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterologist and parent of 5, isn't sold on what he considers unfounded diaper training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
"He was just so creepy," the visibly shaken Perkins explained. "He kept staring at me with vacant and soulless eyes as he sharpened an 8-inch chef knife repeatedly. He was so cold, so inhuman. He smelled like death."
Fran Carter, Associate Vice-President of Ginsu's parent company Douglas Quikut, stands by Rouse's approach. "It is vital that potential Ginsu customers be aware of the potential safety hazards involved with unsafe use of our knives. They need to know that improper use can lead to some pretty serious injuries.
Rouse, who is returning to the world of door-to-door sales after completing a stint at nearby Fort Bend Coundy Maximum Security Prison for aggravated assault with a Kirby vacuum cleaner, revealed that "I don't know why that old broad got so spooked. I just told her how I could cut through bone, like hers or her families, or her pets. And how I could, you know, do it over and over again if I wanted to do. What's the big deal?"
After discussing the incident with Rouse, Douglas Quikut Vice-President Fran Carter again stated her full support of his technique, saying that "Potential customers also need to know that our quality cutlery never need resharpening. I'm at a loss for why this is being so bandied about in the press. Isn't there a war or something going on?"
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
"I don't know what happened to them," Wilson explained. "I swear I left them right here in the garage. Maybe this is some kind of quantum entaglement or a very small black hole. I think I saw something about this on the internet."
This is not the first time that Wilson has provided stange and improbable excuses for alleged unneighborly behavior. Mortenson, who is demanding that the missing hedge clippes be replaced, revealed, "I don't buy it for a second. This is the same guy that last year told me a sasquatch must be leaving those tightly coiled piles on my front yard. All I know is that the same day he brings his mutt home from the animal shelter, my yard turns into a mine field."
Monday, October 29, 2007
"This is not going to be an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination," Trudea explained. "Representatives of this organization are everywhere. They are in our schools. They are in our homes. The mere fact that you have probably never heard of or had any problems with this insidious organization is all the proof you should need that it is pure evil."
Nicholas P. Kostan, Superintendent of Lynn's public school system isn't buying Trudeaus claims of a sinister side of the PTA. He answered those claims in a statement released to the press. "The PTA is a voluntary organization bringing together parents and teachers of pupils in a particular school or school district, usually for fund-raising, building parental involvement at school and other activities relating to the welfare of the school. There is nothing going on that the general public needs to worry about. Especially if they know what is good for them."
PTA National President Jan Harp Domene has heard these types of accusations before. "Trudeau is just trying to make a name for himself and obviously is running out of groups to denigrate. The PTA is not, and never has been, involved in supplying arms to inner city gangs. We have never stockpiled plutonium. And we are not brainwashing student's into a zombie-like state of subservience as soldiers in our quest for dominion over humanity. To even suggest such things is absurd. Stupid humans."
Trudeau's new book will trace the history of the PTA back to the Dark Ages where a group of druids, witches, and stranded aliens began monthly gatherings to discuss ways of improving their lackluster fundraising efforts to support the wiping out of the human race. Legend has it that these early meetings spawned the first documented bake sales and spaghetti dinners, only instead of the auction of a new wagon or a sack of flour the unwary peasant villagers were lured to their doom.
When it was discovered that merely asking for the villager's money, instead of devouring their flesh, improved both the weight of their coin purses and their reputations, the group decided to go legit. At least by appearances that is. Trudeau claims that modern descendant of these dastardly cabals is today's PTA. "These guys are so afraid of what I have to say that they have tried to stop me from writing this book. But if you order now, I'll throw in copy of my new CD, the one that the PTA doesn't want you to know about, on which I expose how they use Ice Cream Socials and Back to School Pancake Breakfasts to manipulate us all."
Sunday, October 28, 2007
"We are all going to die! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh," Cornish explained. "Game over man, game over. The only thing left to do now is pray. I'm talking minutes, just minutes."
Dr. James Bernard, an expert in global emergency management, disagreed stating that "This is beyond prayer. It's a done deal. Humanity will very soon cease to exist and nothing is going to change that unless someone out there has the ability to bend time and space."
"Local man Sherman Leach, who was born with the ability to bend time and space, was found dead today," anchor Trip McDermott revealed. "But first, before we head back to Caroline Cornish with an update on the now unavoidable destruction of the human race, Jim Tucker has the latest sports scores. And later, Tricia Sloan has our Consumer Watchdog report. Stay tuned to learn a few simple ways to avoid home repair scams."
Saturday, October 27, 2007
"We at the FDA feel that the removal of these medications from store shelves is vital to the safety of young children," FDA Commissioner Andrew C. von Eschenbach explained. "And this is a big step forward for us in our goal of rendering ourselves obsolete."
Parents and healthcare providers of varying legitimacy appear to have mixed feelings, and some are less than happy about the FDA decision. Roberta Lambarts, medical doctor and fourth generation carny, is concerned that "This is more than doubling the average time I spend with patients and this is just unacceptable. What am I, a homeopath? I don't have time to talk to my patients!" Homeopathic physician Brynt Sierra is pleased with this development. "This is great. Now there is less competition from alopathic placebos."
Representing parents in a class action lawsuit against the FDA is retired defense attorney Pamela Sessions. "We are going to run those bastards into the ground for this. As a parent, I have a God given right to give my child a completely ineffective medication or to drug them into a coma so that I can sleep!"
Friday, October 26, 2007
"There are many well established benefits to formula feeding," Enfamil representative Brooke Mayweather explained. "Formula is scientifically designed to provide infants with all the nutrition that they might need, and is a much better fit for the active lifestyle of today's on-the-go babies who don't necessarily appreciate being forced to rely on a caregiver for meals."
The commercials will show a series of images of young infants engaged in a variety of activities such as tennis and water polo, non-athletic but equally involved undertakings like public speaking and city planning, and moments relaxing at the beach with their baby friends. The slogan, "For Fitness or Fun, Think Formula!", has been chosen to accompany these images. Hallie Berry has signed on as a celebrity spokesperson.
Mayweather further revealed that "Formula companies are first and foremost interested in promoting ways to help newborns and older infants live active and healthy lives. We are expecially concerned about the growing threat of infant obesity." This dedication to infant health has led to formula companies' involvement with promoting infant exercise programs in an effort to stem the tide of this very serious problem. "Our studies show that this generation of babies will need size 5 diapers earlier than any before it. We really have an opportunity to do something about this but people have to buy more formula.'
The companies are planning to use these public service announcements as a platform for not only promoting awareness of the benefits of formula but also the unveiling their new lines of diet baby formulas. These new light formula products will have half the calories of conventional formula and will also be available in low-fat as well as a Atkins, Zone, South Beach, and Hollywood Miracle Diet varieties.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explains, "That is what makes a subluxation such a threat to public health. Medical doctors call high blood pressure the silent killer but at least that condition, whatever it is, is rare. Studies have shown that every single person that visits a chiropractor is found to have a subluxation. That's pretty scary because a lot of people don't even see a chiropractor regularly. They see a dentist twice a year but ignore the recommendations of the World Chiropractic Alliance, International Chiropractors Association, and American Chiropractic Association on regular spine exams."
The exact definition of the spinal subluxation has changed somewhat over the years as chiropractic science advanced. Earlier notions of a spinal segment having to be demonstrably out of alignment and pinching a spinal nerve were discarded for the more exact Vertebral Subluxation Complex or VSC. This is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health. Dr. Grimes points out that "The process of coming up with a unified definition of the subluxation was very scientific, involving a show of hands and I believe someone had a calculator."
The difficulty in locating these spinal subluxations even with advanced imaging such at CT scans and MRI has, in large part thanks to chiropractic researchers over the years, been overcome by the development of a number of high-tech diagnostic modalities such as low resolution electronic chiropractic thermography and supine leg length differential estimation. Some chiropractors with advanced training are even able to locate subluxations on xrays of the spine that regular medical radiologists would miss.
But the most vital aspect of any chiropractic evaluation remains the hands on palpation required to diagnose more subtle subluxations. Grimes reveals, "This is where the art of chiropractic, as opposed to the science, comes into play. Sorting out those hard to find subluxations can be difficult but eventually you'll find one in pretty much everybody. It's a nice feeling to catch one early before any catastrophic nervous system damage or immune dysfunction has taken place."
Typically, subluxations can be easily treated with a series of chiropractic adjustments, which consist of a series of highly skilled, manipulations of your spine with varying degrees of force, or with certain instruments, and in a variety of locations depending on where the subluxation is found along the spine and what particular technique your chiropractor uses. There are hundreds of different adjustment techniques, all of equivalent efficacy at treating subluxations and improving health. Patients tend to respond better to more frequent visits, some even requiring daily and weekly adjustments. Grimes adds, "Once the patient is out of danger, visits to maintain alignment and prevent subluxations are a must. You don't stop brushing your teeth once a cavity is filled!"
Of growing concern to the chiropractic community is the increasing incidence of adjustment resistant subluxations, and the recent discovery of subluxations resistant even to advanced chiropractic treatments such as non-surgical spinal decompression systems and Applied Kinesiology. Grimes explains, "If this trend continues, we may soon see a day where chiropractors become obsolete. It's a good thing I know how to do acupuncture."
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
"A caterpillar!" Hannah exclaimed proudly as her mother held up a card featuring a lepidoptera in its larval form. Her mother sighed. "Caterpillar won't get you into Harvard sweetheart."
"Flowers!" She excitedly yelled out, a frown formed on her mother's face. "It's only partial credit. These are Siam Roses. Come on Hannah, you know these!"
After a quick run through the alphabet and the first 5 prime numbers, Wallace kissed her daughter goodbye and headed off to work with a look of concern on her face. "Hannah just isn't progressing like she should be. If she doesn't excel now, then how can we expect her to rise to the challenges of a competitive kindergarten. And if she drops the ball in kindergarten just forget it. She'll be flipping burgers for sure!"
Wallace may come across as a little high strung, and perhaps she is placing too much emphasis on the academic performance of a 3-year-old, but today's stressful learning environment is leading to more and more encounters such as this. It is becoming increasingly more difficult for children to keep up with the rigorous lesson plans and homework, let alone to stand out as stellar students. It is this pressure to perform that experts believe is behind the increasing numbers of preschool dropouts.
But rising truancy rates are not the only problem that school officials are experiencing. Tina Crabbins, a teacher at the Primrose Academy Preschool where Hannah Wallace is enrolled, has seen sharp increases in cheating as well. "Yesterday I caught a student with the names of the primary colors written on her wrist during a pop quiz. She can't even read. How did she think that was going to help? She's a little slow."
Another disturbing trend is the increasing number of 2 and 3-year-old students being diagnosed with learning disabilities. Crabbins explained that "Since more is being expected of these young scholars, hidden learning disabilities are bound to be exposed in more children than in the past. If something isn't done, the weaker students are at high risk of slipping through the cracks of the system. It is difficult for a 3-year old to make it in the real world without at least a basic understanding of the four seasons."