Friday, August 31, 2007

Newborn Infant Declared World's Cutest Baby.....

Butte, MT-Three-day-old infant Chance Wolters was named by hospital staff of St. James Community Hospital as "The World's Cutest Baby" this morning prior to his discharge home.

"I just can't believe it. I mean what an honor," Cindy Wolters, the child's mother explained. "And what a responsibility. I think that we owe it to Chance to make use of his gift. Maybe baby modeling or infant beauty pageants."

"Yeah, it's kind of sad. She keeps showing everyone the certificate and talking about the burden of beauty on such a young child," Nurse Roshandra Lewis revealed. "We give them to all the families. The sad thing is it's such an ugly baby. Somebody should tell her."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Breaking it Down: Where Americans are Matriculating.....

14%- 4-year Clown University (formerly The Discovery Institute)

21%- Southern Upstairs Medical College

25%- Grenada campus of the Correspondence College of East St. Louis


15%- Steve's house

12%- Hamburger University

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Psychic Uses Powers to Contact Man's Dead Third Cousin Once Removed.....

Toledo, Ohio-While attending a reading by psychic Jim Edwins today, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed when the clairvoyant began to communicate with a deceased family member.

"I don't know how he did it, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Mr. Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W."

On his unexplainable gift of communicating with the dead, Edwins expounded "I don't have any control over this. The spirits come to me and give me whatever message they feel must be passed on to the living. For example how they might have once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

College Athlete Defies Odds.....

Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.

"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."

Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."

Monday, August 27, 2007

Children's Hospital Purchased by McDonald's.....

Nashville, TN-Setting an unusual precedent, Vanderbilt Children's Hospital was purchased today by the McDonald's Corporation. Ronald McDonald himself was present at the press conference.

"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."

Cody Carpenter, third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Breaking it Down: What Americans are Having for Dinner.....

14%- Organic Funyuns

21%- Butylated hydroxytoluene

25%- Soylent Totino's Pizza Roles

13%- Two Bacon McSlabs, a large McTrough, and a yogurt parfait

15%- Another in a seemingly endless parade of tedious meals, amidst a pile of broken dreams long forgotten, and in the presence of that shrewish harpy of a wife that will forever burden your limp and lifeless spirit

12%- Whatever Oprah tells me to

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Medical School Admissions Committee Makes Mistake.....

New Orleans, LA-Despite claims to the contrary being frequently used as a source of inspiration for students at the Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center, it was revealed today that the medical school admissions committee has made a mistake.

"Who knew that the position of Assistant Janitor in the Medical Education Building would involve so many long hours of studying and such difficult tests," Jim Fahr, 1st year medical student at LSUHSC revealed.

Susan Hanna, a classmate of Mr. Fahr, expressed relief upon hearing of the committee's error. "Now I understand why Jim was always cleaning up the lecture hall after class."

Friday, August 24, 2007

Amish Man Has Some Serious Thinking To Do.....

Lancaster County, PA-Amos Lapp, a highly respected member of the Amish community, was forced to reconsider his disbelief in electricity today after being struck by lightning during a severe thunderstorm.

"I want to give thanks to God for his blessings and his merciful sparing of my life," Mr. Lap explained from his hospital room in nearby Lancaster General Hospital. "But to be honest, I've got a lot of thinking to do. Hold on, that's my iPhone."

Mr. Lapp's doctor, hospitalist Chris Greaves, described his recovery as an example of the wonders of modern medicine. "A hundred years ago we would have thought that Mr. Lapp had an excessive amount of one of four bodily humors. Today we know that he has a small troll living in his belly."

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sharp Increase in Naked, Toothless Patients.....

Norfolk, VA-Kimberly Rand, a rising junior at Maury High School, revealed today in a Summer School discussion group how she has witnessed a number of strange and disturbing things while volunteering at Norfolk's Children's Hospital of The King's Daughters.

"There is this one ward where all of the patients must have had some kind of stroke or maybe they're really retarded," Ms. Rand explains. "They all like can't talk and have to wear diapers and stuff. They can't even eat regular food or anything because they don't have teeth. It's just really unsettling."

Dr. Maureen Maxcy, pediatric intern at King's Daughters, has also gone on record with her concerns over the rising numbers of these mysterious patients. "Sometimes in one day I admit like ten of them, which I think are shrunken old men or something. Where are they coming from? Why are they all naked? Hopefully my coming forward will lead to some kind of investigation."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Breaking it Down: What Americans Are Praying For.....

14%- The sweet release of death

21%- More cowbell

25%- Acquittal

13%- The voices to stop

15%- An end to war, famine, and homosexuality

12%- The smiting of Dane Cook

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Class Nerd Really a Knockout.....

Savannah,Georgia- Classmates of Becky Belval were shocked this morning when the previously awkward and unpopular Chess Club president arrived having become the most beautiful girl in the school, certain to win the Homecoming Queen election in which she had been entered as a joke.

"This whole year I've had this crush on Brad, the arrogant captain of the football team, but I've been shy and he hasn't noticed me," the now radiant Belval explained. "But now I've realized that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, or how popular you are. All that really matters is what's on the inside."

After the intial wave of excitement set off by Ms. Belval's transformation into a super sexy and confident vision of beauty by simply removing her glasses and letting her hair down, senior Brad Remington remarked "Dude, I'm totally going to nail that chick at prom! Unless the goofy nerd that's been in love with her since they were kids figures out some way to foil my plan."

Monday, August 20, 2007

Breaking it Down: What Americans Are Addicted To.....

14%- Virtual cyber sex

21%- Their super grande mocha latte espresso with a shot of vanilla and organic skim milk

25%- Russian Sudoku

13%- Their unearned sense of self-importance

15%- Crack

12%- High School Musical 2

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Breaking it Down: How Americans Are Cooling Off This Summer.....

14%- Wearing frozen underwear

21%- Daily ice water enemas

25%- Drinking cool, refreshing Zima

13%- Prank calling Russian President Vladimir Putin in the hopes of causing nuclear winter

15%- Dating Ann Coulter

12%- Becoming nocturnal

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Man on Winery Tour Tastes the Gooseberry.....

Napa Valley-Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery today, was able to note 27 distinct flavors in the 2006 Barrel Fermented Chardonnay this morning.

Winemaker Ken Deis revealed, "Sure, we've had people note ten, maybe 15 flavors, describe the aroma a little bit and comment on the finish but this is just incredible. Nobody has taken it to this level before. It's just a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are much better at this than others. And Dale is just a really impressive guy. We are all just very impressed."

Mr. Southerland, who noted a hint of gooseberry and autumn leaves as the 26th and 27th flavors, thinks that there may be even more subtle flavors in the wine but he would need more time to sort them out. "I'm not entirely sure, but right at the end I almost think I noted just a splash of black currant with bing cherry undertones. And, could it be? Yes, it is. Just a trace of squirrel's feet and chalkboard erasers. Sublime."

Friday, August 17, 2007

Suprised Mormon Missionaries Eaten by Cannibalistic Tribe.....

Papua-A group of Christian missionaries bringing the teachings of the Bible to the Korowai people of southeastern Papua, a province of Indonesia located on a large island north of Australia, were shocked to discover that several of their members were eaten during the night.

"This is the third time this month too. Frankly I just don't understand what this is about to be honest." John Yeardly of the Mormon Church Missionary Explorers for Christ, or MEC, revealed. "We came here, covered their nakedness, taught them shame, showed them the path to eternal salvation. Come on, we brought chocolate for Christ's sake!"

When approached for comment, village Chieftain Anduop Bailom stated, "I really liked those guys too. Steve was like my best bud. And chocolate. Can I just say, wow! But eating people is kind of our thing here. I know, I know. What are you gonna do?"


Thursday, August 16, 2007

Coma Patient Discovers Cancellation of Gilmore Girls.....

Chicago-Upon awakening today from a comatose state she had been in since an automobile accident in late 2005, Claire Petrie was disappointed to learn that her favorite television show, Gilmore Girls, had been cancelled.

"I can't believe it. The first thing I thought of when I woke up was the show." she revealed. "Did Luke and Lorelai stay together? Wait, don't tell me!"

Neurologist Sam Gillford, pleased with Ms. Petrie's sudden regaining of conciousness, is concerned that she will be distracted from the long and difficult rehabilitation ahead. "Look, if I were in her shoes I'd probably be going throught the same emotional roller coaster. I mean, she has a lot to get through in the coming weeks. Luke and Lorelai split up. Lane becomes pregnant, and with twins! And don't even get me started on the whole Rory and Logan debacle. I just don't see why those two couldn't work things out you know."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Local Newswoman Questions Widow's Acceptance of Tragedy .....

Gilead, Nebraska-Angela Purdy, reporter for Gilead's Channel 7 News, expressed concern over Lois Simpson's acceptance of the death of her family during a live interview today.

While standing in front of the smoldering wreckage containing the charred remains of Simpson's husband and three children, Purdy explained to the sobbing widow how tragic the situation was and asked if she was coming to terms with her loss.

"What a horrible tragedy. I mean, losing your entire family like that. I felt it was my duty as a journalist to make certain that she was aware of how utterly wretched she must have been feeling." Purdy explained. Channel 7 viewers were able to take comfort in the fact that Ms. Simpson was despondent about the whole situation and just wanted to be left alone.


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sears Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant.....

Lafayette, LA-Despite all of her expertise in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3 month old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family picture.

"I don't know what happened in there. The baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear.", Ms. Milton explained. "It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"

After a thorough investigation by store management, it will be decided what the next course of action will be. Manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."


Monday, August 13, 2007

Old Man Not Sure Who Harry Potter Is.....

Baton Rouge, LA-After hearing the name come up during a canasta tournament at Shady Acres Retirement Village, senior citizen Maynard Johnson was unable to recall where he had heard the name Harry Potter before. Johnson, a World War Two veteran and part time greeter at a local department store, quickly rejected the suggestions that he is the main character of a popular series of books and movies about wizards.

"He just wouldn't listen to reason.", Shady Acres volunteer and Harry Potter enthusiast Sean Higgens explained. "He just kept going, for like, man it was like an hour and a half. 'That Ethel Potter's kid? No, he died of dysentary.' He's the damn boy who lived!"

Eventually settling on Harry Potter being "that colored boy who used to do odd jobs for biscuits", Johnson was soon distracted by the television.