Sunday, September 30, 2007

Free Energy Machine Gains Support of Scientists and Skeptics.....

Nitro, WV-When people think of the small West Virginia town of Nitro, they may think of nitroglycerine, the explosive liquid for which it was named in January of 1918, or perhaps its most famous expatriate, Major League Baseball legend Lew Burdette. But once news of the scientific breakthrough, announced today in the auditorium of Nitro High School by inventor Stam Petrie, reaches the rest of the world, that may change.

Petrie, a Nitro native who has a number of inventions patented under his name, claims to have found the secret to unlimited free energy. "The funny thing is that it's so simple," he explained to the group of local supporters and a representative of the town newspaper, the Nitro Intelligencer. "I wouldn't believe it myself if not for the fact that an independant scientist from Charleston has replicated my results. This is going to change the world folks."

That scientist, Dr. James Ryan of Charleston Community College's Division of General Studies and founder of the West Virginia Online Iridology Program, put Petrie's device through a series of intense tests. "I can't explain how it works, only that it does beyond any shadow of a doubt. My team of energy experts consistently found an output much greater than the electrical energy used to run the foot long plastic encased contraption provided by Mr. Petrie."

This contraption, which can be plugged into any available standard domestic power socket, works by using a mixture of common household substances plus one very secret ingrediet. Petrie revealed, "I can't believe that this wasn't discovered years ago. By simply sending an electric current through a common substance formed from the fossilized remains of dead plants and animals by exposure to heat and pressure in the Earth's crust over hundreds of millions of years, the energy just seems to come from out of nowhere. It's that easy."

Petrie is calling for investors in his project so that the free energy device can be developed on a much larger scale. "This is just the beginning. Once I've got the financial support I need, the world will soon reap the benefits of my device. That is if those know nothing skeptics don't foil my plans."

Know nothing skeptic Steven Novella, a Yale Neurologist and founder of the New England Skeptical Society, isn't convinced but remains hopeful that the device lives up to its claims. Novella revealed that "There is a long history of free energy devices that haven't worked. I have no doubt that.....this one.....won' tests performed by truly independent Petrie."

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Willing Suspension of Disbelief Threatened by Product Placement.....

Cranston, RI-Moviegoer Bort Hickson came dangerously close to disbelief today when a blatant product placement was inserted into the film "Who's Your Caddy?".

"There I was, enjoying the wacky antics of "street-smart" rapper C-Note and his band of jolly companions as they took part in a zany prankfest with the uptight "whiteys" of the Carolina Pines Country Club, when it happened," Mr. Hickson explained. "The minute that Dread, a hilarious member of C-Note's crew, sat down next to a soft drink bottle that was perfectly positioned for my recognition, I experience a fleeting moment where it seemed that perhaps the events taking place in this documentary were somehow fabricated, that the whole affair was in reality just a group of paid entertainers performing memorized lines."

Clinical psychologist Logan Eversby understands how close calls such as this can happen. "Modern science has actually removed much of the mystery from this phenomenon. When you see a familar product during a documentary like "Who's Your Caddy?", or "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" for example, our brains can be fooled into thinking that the events on screen exist in a make-believe world created for the enjoyment of the moviegoer. Think of it as a short circuit of sorts. Sadly, despite all of my expertise in this area I have yet to figure out how they know where to set the cameras up in order to catch all the exciting stuff that happens."

Friday, September 28, 2007

Missing Bees Found in Georgia Man's Garage.....

Augusta, GA-After over a year of intense debate, and a number of red herrings, the missing honey bees that have threatened the food supply for the entire nation were finally discovered today in the garage of Augusta, GA resident Richard Lombards.

"This is an amazing disovery, and one that has a lot of farmers around this country breathing a sigh of relief," Apiologist Tom Wadlington explained. "We had been focusing on infectious etiologies up till now although a number of alternative explanations had been proposed such as the bee rapture, cell phones and alien abduction. Nobody saw this coming."

Mr. Lombards was taken into custody by a federal beekeeping task force soon after the massive swarm of bees, estimated to be several million in number, was located. Prior to this departure he revealed "I swear I don't know how those bees got in the garage. I was in here like 5 minutes ago and the place was empty." A number of jars of homemade honey were found at the scene.

A curious history of Lombard's involvement with bees has already begun to emerge and it has come to light that he was once spurned by the admissions committee of a number of apiary training programs for poor grades and a prior felony arrest for bee trafficking. Mr. Lombards faces very serious charges of beenapping, which could result in a long prison sentence. He will be represented by Harry Winston, the defense attorney in a number of high profile missing animal cases in the past.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Study Reveals Alarming Increase in Ninja Obesity.....

Wichita, KS-According to University of Kansas School of Medicine-Wichita researchers during an emergency press conference, the number of obese American ninjas has increased dramatically over the past few decades with almost 25% having a body mass index (BMI) of greater than 30 kg/m2.

"This is just plain disgraceful," American ninja, and lead researcher, Michael Dudikoff explained. "Everywhere I go these days I see obese American ninjas. They look like they would rather infiltrate a bag of pork rinds than the impenetrable defenses of a rival shogun."

Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General and longtime supporter of the ninja community, has been concerned about rising obesity rates amongst American ninjas since his appointment to the position in 1998.
"The etiology of ninja obesity is most likely a combination of several issues. In the past, ninjas obtained a significant amount of daily exercise taking part in such routine activites as sabotage, espionage, scouting and assassination missions in an attempt to cause social chaos and subsequent destabilization of enemy territory. Since the early 1970's there has been a sharp rise in ninja inactivity and a gradual shift from a high protein macrobiotic diet to one consisting largely of carbohydrate and fat heavy meals."

Dr. Moritsugu has established a government agency whose sole purpose is to decrease this disturbing trend. But not everyone agrees with the conclusions of these experts, calling their announcement "more propaganda that is agenda driven and completely unfounded". Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, an outspoken ninja obesity epidemic skeptic, cites the increasing average ninja life expectancy as just one of many findings that do not support an alarmist approach to ninja healthcare.
"Right now there are folks telling ninja children that they will be the first generation of ninjas to live shorter lives on average than the generation of ninjas before them, ignoring the evidence that today's ninjas are healthier than they have ever been, and every bit as active. This shameful war on ninja obesity is directly responsible for the steady increase in ninja anorexia. I long for a day when young female ninjas are no longer told by the mainstream media that despite the fact that they possess superhuman stealth, can silently kill an enemy using a variety of unique weapons and, depending on which clan they belong to, concoct a powerful explosive powder for use in offensive maneuvers or in aiding escape, they still aren't good enough."

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Crimes Committed by Evil Twins on the Rise.....

New Orleans, LA-The annual LSU Health Sciences Center(LSUHSC) campus crime report was released today, revealing that evil twin related crimes are up 20% compared to last year. In fact, just over 200 various instances of theft, credit card fraud, embezzlement, and stalking were accredited to evil twins of students, faculty, and other employees of LSUHSC. Many of these crimes are still under investigation.

As shocking as this may sound, it came as no suprise to Dr. Michael Lipscomb, an expert in the area of evil twins. Levitzky explained, "I saw this coming a mile away. I've been pushing for mandatory registration of evil twins for years now." It would seem that in light of the crime report's findings, Dr. Levitzky's plea for increased awareness of, and preparedness for, evil twin related crime should now be heard.

Many high-ranking officials at the Health Sciences Center have begun placing blame on Tulane Medical School. As they have in the past for such mishaps as the Creutzfeldt-Jacob epidemic of 2003, the spread of vancomycin resistant Enterococcus, and cancer, LSUHSC officials feel that Tulane is the source, this time of evil twins. Howard Cline, Associate Dean of Student Affairs, stated, "It is a well known fact that the majority of our student's evil twins are attending medical school Tulane. I hate that school!"

Though this controversy may rage on for months, with heated debate and possible lengthy court battles, the newly released LSUHSC campus crime report did show improvements in some areas. Both multiple personality and sleepwalking related crimes fell by over 50%, a record decline for both. Dr. Robert Morton*, Dean of the School of Medicine here in New Orleans, explained, "Tulane is the greatest medical facility in the country and they could never have had anything to do with any of these problems. Go Green Wave!"

*It has since been discovered that I had in fact unintentionally interviewed Dr. Morton's evil twin, Mitch.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Homeopathic Study Questions Established Science, Doctors Stumped.....

Hartford, CT-A groundbreaking study on the effectiveness of homeopathic remedies on a variety of illnesses was published today, and calls into question over a hundred years of medical progress and the scientific method in general.

The study, consisting of a telephone survey of patients of registered homeopaths across the nation, asked such probing questions as "How Wonderful is Homeopathy? 1. A little wonderful 2. A lot wonderful 3. Extremely wonderful." It was published in the Scientific Journal of Homeopathic Science, a peer reviewed journal.

The latest in a string of high profile studies proving the effectiveness of a variety of alternative therapies, such as the use of Aromatherapy for Prolonged QT Syndrome and Rolfing for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type III, the study has sent the medical community into a tailspin. Emperor Maximus VII, current supreme ruler over the American Medical Association and the Pharmaceutical Industry has already initiated damage control measures.

In a press conference held today at Skull Island, the secret international headquarters of the medical establishment, Maximus VII announced that "We've been concerned about the mounting evidence supporting the legitimacy of non-conventional therapies such as Therapeutic Touch and Prayer in the treatment of pretty much every possible illness so a contingency plan to deal with a study such as this has been in place for a while."

Maximus went on to reveal that starting today conventional medical doctors will be pulling out of the healthcare business in order to focus purely on more lucrative endeavors. "The chiropractors, faith healers and quantum healers pretty much have things under control now so we are going to put all our efforts on providing quality pharmaceutical options for flaccid bald men and wrinkled soccer moms."

Monday, September 24, 2007

Feng Shui Update.....

Boston, MA-Harvard researcher Michael Clouse has taken his study of the ancient Chinese art of furniture arranging to new heights today by going under the knife in an effort to use the principles of Feng Shui in the placement of his internal organs. Sadly it has cost him his life.

"When Mr. Clouse first came to me with his odd ideas about human organ Feng Shui, my immediate reaction was one of shock and disgust," Tufts-NEMC surgeon Barry Skinner explained. "But then he showed me the research. One study looked at organ Feng Shui in gerbils and found significant increases in exercise wheel use and 28% shinier fur."

Simon Southall, Chairman of the Feng Shui Society, revealed "We have nothing but the utmost respect for Mr. Clouse and his interest in adding to the mountains of evidence supporting the medical benefits of Feng Shui." Surgeon Skinner added "Perhaps I was rash in agreeing to take this project on. I don't think that God meant for so many organs to occupy such a small space."

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Study Shows More Americans Using Feng Shui.....

Boston, MA-Harvard researchers today announced that nearly a third of American adults make use of Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment.

"I am blown away by these findings," psychologist and Feng Shui skeptic Sara Lazar revealed in response to the study. "Who would have thought that in a society that is so dependent on science and technology this many people would turn to a so-called metaphysical art with no evidence to support the claimed positive effect on health, wealth and personal relationships. I have to say I'm concerned that bias may have come into play in the interpretation of the data."

When told of the skeptical response to his study, lead researcher Michael Clouse explained "I first became convinced of the power of Feng Shui thirty years ago and its use has improved my life again and again. Just yesterday I replaced the pile of human skulls in my bedroom with a lovely fountain. What size hat do you wear by the way?"

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Fossilized Remains of Willie Aames' Career Discovered in Mohave Desert.....

Palmdale, CA-A team of palebiologists from UCLA announced today that they have discovered the completely intact fossilized remains of Willie Aames' career buried in the sand of the Mohave desert near Palmdale, California.

"This is a monumental find," Team leader Mark Webster explained. "It all seems to be here, perfectly preserved. His first appearance as Leonard on a 1971 episode of "The Odd Couple". "The Courtship of Eddie's Father". "Gunsmoke". Even the 1974 "ABC Afterschool Special" Pssst! Hammerman's After You!."

The amazing find is currently being transported back to UCLA for further study via carbon dating and electron microscopy, and Dr. Webster is optimistic about additional secrets being revealed. "We won't know until the boys in the lab get a hold of the specimen but the consensus is that its work as "Bible Man" did this poor thing in. You can only coast so long on reruns of Zapped! and "Charles in Charge" I guess."

Friday, September 21, 2007

Homeopathic Scientist Reveals Oceans May Soon be Diluted to Dangerous Levels.....

Tacoma, WA-Adding to the concerns of the majority of the world's experts on global climate, Tacoma homeopathic scientist Debra Macurley announced today that the world's oceans may become diluted to toxic levels should polar ice continue to melt.

This would almost certainly be the largest ecological disaster in the history of mankind," Dr. Macurley revealed. "The entire ocean would quickly become uninhabitable to even the hardiest creatures if the large amounts of free water predicted by many climatologists were to be added to our oceans. Levels of toxic substances could easily become so infinitesimally low that the water's memory of them would render it a deadly poison."

Dr. Macurley's stunning announcement has not fallen on deaf ears. Great Britain's Prince Charles is already calling for the dumping of large amounts of all known toxic substances into the Thames.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Breaking it Down: What American Women are Throwing at Police.....

14%- A Bloody Mary

21%- Their 6-month-old infant

25%- Last season's Prada shoes

13%- A sly look that says "I know we just met, but I think we had a moment back there in the trailor right after you tasered my pit bull, but before you handcuffed me. And I want you to know that I'm very interested."

15%- Their Zune

12%- A can of organic snow peas

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Breaking it Down: Why Kids are Becoming Bullies.....

14%- Compensating for weak Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters deck

21%- Attempting to earn Boy Scout merit badge for Religious Intolerance

25%- Tired of being disrespected by academic success of others

13%- Genetically modified crops

15%- Edges of reality blurred by years of psychotropic medication and teletubbies

12%- Forced to by producers of Kid Nation

Tuesday, September 18, 2007







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Monday, September 17, 2007

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Not an Advertisement*

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

Citibank Reaches Out to Homeless Population.....

New York, New York-In an excitinig announcement today, Citibank has decided to begin marketing a line of credit cards specifically to the homeless population.

"It is our belief that even the least amongst us deserves the opportunity to realize the American dream," Citibank chairman William Rhodes explained. "That is why our goal is to provide each and every homeless man, woman and child with a Citibank credit card so that they might do just that, with a generous $10,000 limit and an interest rate of only 3%*. This money can be used for food, clothing, shelter, medical care or anything else they might need. A walk-in humidor perhaps."

Mr. Williams further revealed that "Standard late payment, over the limit, inactivity, no-balance and universal default penalties will of course be in effect, but that is just standard industry boilerplate and nothing anyone needs to worry about. In the unfortunate event that an individual is unable to make payments, debt can be repaid by manual labor in one of our many acid mine operations."

*The starting interest rate of 3% is subject to change based on a variety of factors such as market pressures, multiple payment penalties, weather conditions, outcomes of professional and/or college athletic competitions, coin flips, crop circles and management whim.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Make-A-Wish Foundation Asks John Stamos to Dedicate Proceeds from New Album to Another Organization.....

Phoenix, AZ-In a press conference held today at their national headquarters, Make-A-Wish Foundation president David Williams asked that John Stamos please choose a different charity to receive proceeds from the sale of his new album.

"It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture," Mr. Williams explained. "I just don't want to have to make a big deal out of this. I mean, if he does this we'll have to make announcements and work this into our promotional material which isn't cheap. I don't think the 5 bucks we'd get out of this deal would cover it to be honest."

When told of the foundation's request, Mr. Stamos responded "I just don't get what he is all worked up about. This album is gonna be huge. Who wouldn't want to hear my reggae intepretation of 80's classics like Jessie's Girl and Pac-Man Fever?"

Friday, September 14, 2007

Solomon Grundy Calls for More Research into Pediatric Cancer.....

Memphis, TN-During a widely publicized press conference held today at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Solomon Grundy, a former member of both the Legion of Doom and Lex Luthor's Injustice Gang, called for an increase in government financial support of research that may lead to a cure for childhood cancers.

"This is a real shock to the pediatric oncology community," St. Jude spokesperson Jim Whitstock explains. "We really didn't see this coming from someone so, well, I mean, he's an evil two hundred year old zombie for pete's sake."

Grundy, a frequent nemesis of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern explains "Me Solomon Grundy think children are future. Also me have niece with leukemia."

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Child's Comments to be Censored by Principal's Office.....

San Antonio, TX-In what Catholic League President Bill Donohue has condemned as a "vulgar, in-your-face brand of hate speech.", local 7-year-old Pedro Delacruz denied the importance of Jesus in helping him win the 2nd grade spelling bee held today in the school cafeteria.

Several religious organizations in addition to the Catholic League have called for cenorship of Delacruz's remarks when the film of the event is shown during the upcoming Parent's Night event, as well as immediate intervention in the form of counseling and behavior therapy. School principal Waldo Weatherbee has declared that "This young man's offensive remarks will not be a part of this institutions Parent's Night festivities, which include a spaghetti dinner, silent auction of the children's artwork, and reasonably priced fruit punch."

Delacruz, unshaken by the controversy surrounding his comments, explains "My little brother Jesus is a pain. He kept me up all night crying. I won the spelling bee anyway though, no thanks to him. Can I have my cake now?"

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge Sucked Into Black Hole.....

Los Angeles, CA-The latest installment of MTV's popular reality series, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, which pits cast members from recent seasons against each other in a competition for cash and prizes ended in disaster today when all but one of the participants was killed by a black hole.

"I'm not exactly sure what happened out there," Theo Von, the only survivor of the current cast, explains. "We were all crawling around in a mud pit, looking for the key to that sweet Hummer H3, and then all hell broke loose."

A black hole, typically thought of as a region of space whose gravitational field is so powerful that nothing can escape, have in the past only been observed in the farthest reaches of space. Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking reveals "This is definitely a first. Yes, this black hole was rather small on a cosmic scale, however it was more than powerful enough to slowly rip their bodies apart molecule by molecule in what can only be described as an astronomically painful process. Thankfully nobody important was injured."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Mysterious Force Blamed in Airplane Disaster.....

Washington, DC-Following an intense investigation of the recent crash of a Boeing 747 near Long Island, New York, FAA investigators have concluded today that an as of yet unknown force played a major role in bringing the large plane down.

"We don't know what to call it yet," lead investigator Chuck Yeardley explains. "But we do know that this plane was travelling at a very high speed, and was located several thousand feet above the ground when the engines malfunctioned. It was as if something just pulled it. Just pulled that plane straight down. Our best scientists are working on this."

This isn't the first time that an as of yet unexplained, and powerful, force has been blamed in an airplane disaster, at least according to Andrew Hurt, a former FAA official who was fired for what was called a mental breakdown. "I tried to warn them but they wouldn't listen. It's out there right now preying on anything that dares leave the ground. You can't stop it. You can try but it's patient. It will wait until you make a mistake."

Monday, September 10, 2007

Chinese Vitamins Contaminated with Acid.....

Rockville, MD-Adding to growing concerns about the safety of products imported into the United States from other countries, the FDA announced today that virtually all Chinese produced vitamins are contaminated with acid.

"This is just a scary, scary discovery and I truly hope that a recall is enough to prevent any injury to American consumers," FDA spokesperson Carla Hamburger revealed. "So far we've discovered measurable levels of ascorbic acid, folic acid and pantothenic acid, as well as a number of metals such as iron, copper, zinc and nickel. Who knows what we'll find next!"

A number of the recalled Chinese vitamins are marketed to children, something that has one mother outraged. "Someone really should do something about China," Joan Vandervort, community activist and mother of three explained. "Those communist fat cats have dominated the world economy at our expense for far too long!"

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Recycled Can of Diet Shasta Ends Threat of Global Warming.....

Franklin, TN-Suburban housewife Katherin Cortez effectively ended the growing threat of global warming today by recycling a partially filled can of Diet Shasta.

Climatologist Cliff Bankston has been tracking the effects of the recycled aluminum soft drink container. "Glaciers are reforming, mean temperatures are plummeting and atmospheric carbon dioxide levels are stabilizing, and in some areas even trending sharply down. This is why recycling programs were started in the first place, that is, to alter the global climate like this."

"I was just trying to do my part for the environments," Ms. Cortez explains. "Think globally and act locally you know. One person can make a difference." Not satisfied with the ending of one of the single greatest threats to mankind's existence, Ms. Cortez has now set her sights on curing breast cancer by wearing a pink ribbon lapel pin.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Survey: Sorghum Least Popular Grain Amongst Tweens.....

Omaha, Nebraska- The results of a nationwide survey on grain usage were released today revealing sorghum as the least popular cereal crop amongst pre-teens and adolescents, despite its being widely considered by experts as the 5th most important cereal crop in the world with over 440,000 square kilometers devoted to its production.

"This comes as a shock to the entire sorghum industry," Sorghum Council representative Wes Engle admits. "We honestly thought that sorghum was a grain with the kind of rebellious edginess and in your face attitude that today's youth responds to. I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Industry insiders feel that sorghum is going to have to perform a major overhaul of their image if they are going to compete with more popular cereals such as buckwheat and millet. Grain analyst Casey Steinberg explains "They have to get their product out there with some key product placement deals. I mean, look what High School Musical 2 did for quinoa. I'm seeing Hannah Montana with a piping hot bowl of sorghum porridge or maybe Paris Hilton drinking gluten-free sorghum beer!"

Friday, September 7, 2007

Today's Gerbils Sleeker, More Aerodynamic.....

Cape Canaveral, FL-Compared to gerbils from even just a few years ago, today's "desert rats" are more aerodynamic and emit fewer pollutants into the atmosphere than their predecessors.

"The evidence is pretty solid," NASA rodentologist Frank Hines explained today on Good Morning Flint. "Extensive wind tunnel testing shows that gerbils suffer one third of the wind resistance, or drag, that effects other rodent."

The repercussions of these findings are likely to stir up controversy in a number of related fields. Astrobiologist Fran Gernstrawn stated in a NASA press conference held to announce the results of the study that "These findings vindicate our call for financial support of research on gerbil powered space flight." It is unclear if the shockwaves of these findings will reach as far as the International Olympic Committee, which has just approved rodent hurling as an demonstration sport.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Study Shows American Diets Deficient in Fudge.....

Battle Creek, MI-The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge.

"The data is pretty compelling," Chief researcher Ernie Keebler stated from his research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, delicious goodness of quality fudge."

Based on the findings of the KRISP study, Congress is considering new laws to combat this growing threat. Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) explains "There are a lot of ideas on the table, the two frontrunners of course being fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation."

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Alien Overlord Loses Millions to Nigerian Email Scam.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy-Despite a number of warnings from high ranking members of his elite personal guard, as well as a majority of the Supreme Galactic Senate, ruling Overlord Zorg XII was swindled out of millions of dollars by a Nigerian advanced fee fraud today.

"I can't believe this was a hoax," His Excellency, the immortal wielder of unyielding power and infinite mercy, explained. "My heart went out to Mr. Moses Odiaka, the only surviving son of a murdered sultan. I really wanted to help him acquire his deceased father's riches from his evil uncles. I just don't know what to believe anymore."

Zorg XII, ruler of thousands of planets across the galaxy and known by his many billions of loyal subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and the World Eater, has lost respect in the eyes of some of his followers. Commerce Droid BX-419 revealed "You'd think he would have learned his lesson after the Amway MLM scheme or when he invested the royal treasury in that Emu farm."

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Breaking it Down: How American Relax.....

14%- Virtual falconry

21%- Connecting Blackberry to neuroendocrine system

25%- Feasting on the blood of the innocent

13%- Reductive amination of phenylacetone with methylamine using Adam's catalyst

15%- Taking advantage of loopholes in restraining order

12%- Colon irrigation

Monday, September 3, 2007

Third Blue's Clue Found in Horrific Murder Investigation.....

Milwaukee, WI-After weeks of investigation, the Milwaukee Police Department has finally uncovered the third of Blue's three clues to the identity and location of the perpetrator of a grisly triple murder that has left the city's inhabitants fearing for their personal safety.

"The murder was so random, so expertly executed," lead investigator Joe Hewitt explained. "Folks around here have been wondering who might be next. If not for these Blue's Clues, and Steve, I don't know if we would have been able to solve this one."

Holding the rusted and bloodstained machete while sitting in his Thinking Chair, Blue's owner Steve revealed "At first I couldn't understand what Blue was trying to tell me with the severed ear and the picture of an abandoned lighthouse but now it's so clear. So who's the cold-blooded killer boys and girls?"

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Adrien Brody Announces Endorsement of Syntech Chemicals.....

Houston, TX-In a press conference held today at Syntech Chemical's Global Headquarters, Oscar winner Adrien Brody announced his full endorsement of the companies vision for the future.

"From simple reactions to multi-step batch reactions, Syntech Chemical is committed to delivering a quality product, on time, and to precise performance specifications," Brody, the star of such films as Jailbreakers and King Kong stated. "I don't trust anyone but Syntech for my centrifugations, distillations, tolling, vacuum and other chemical processes!"

Syntech Vice-President James Gordon remarked "This really is a shock. We didn't go to Mr. Brody, he came to us. We had no idea he was such a fan of our work. Robert Downey Jr. sure but this is honestly a big suprise to all of us. I might have seen that piano movie but I'm not really sure. Was it any good?"

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Breaking it Down: How Americans are Saving Money.....

14%- Increasing their cardboard to beef ratio

21%- Exchanging platinum mouthwear for more economic gold or sterling silver

25%- One pork chop! One!!!

13%- Imagination Christmas

15%- Bankruptcy

12%- Installing a bidet