Wichita, KS-According to University of Kansas School of Medicine-Wichita researchers during an emergency press conference, the number of obese American ninjas has increased dramatically over the past few decades with almost 25% having a body mass index (BMI) of greater than 30 kg/m2.
"This is just plain disgraceful," American ninja, and lead researcher, Michael Dudikoff explained. "Everywhere I go these days I see obese American ninjas. They look like they would rather infiltrate a bag of pork rinds than the impenetrable defenses of a rival shogun."
Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General and longtime supporter of the ninja community, has been concerned about rising obesity rates amongst American ninjas since his appointment to the position in 1998. "The etiology of ninja obesity is most likely a combination of several issues. In the past, ninjas obtained a significant amount of daily exercise taking part in such routine activites as sabotage, espionage, scouting and assassination missions in an attempt to cause social chaos and subsequent destabilization of enemy territory. Since the early 1970's there has been a sharp rise in ninja inactivity and a gradual shift from a high protein macrobiotic diet to one consisting largely of carbohydrate and fat heavy meals."
Dr. Moritsugu has established a government agency whose sole purpose is to decrease this disturbing trend. But not everyone agrees with the conclusions of these experts, calling their announcement "more propaganda that is agenda driven and completely unfounded". Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, an outspoken ninja obesity epidemic skeptic, cites the increasing average ninja life expectancy as just one of many findings that do not support an alarmist approach to ninja healthcare. "Right now there are folks telling ninja children that they will be the first generation of ninjas to live shorter lives on average than the generation of ninjas before them, ignoring the evidence that today's ninjas are healthier than they have ever been, and every bit as active. This shameful war on ninja obesity is directly responsible for the steady increase in ninja anorexia. I long for a day when young female ninjas are no longer told by the mainstream media that despite the fact that they possess superhuman stealth, can silently kill an enemy using a variety of unique weapons and, depending on which clan they belong to, concoct a powerful explosive powder for use in offensive maneuvers or in aiding escape, they still aren't good enough."