Wednesday, October 31, 2007
"He was just so creepy," the visibly shaken Perkins explained. "He kept staring at me with vacant and soulless eyes as he sharpened an 8-inch chef knife repeatedly. He was so cold, so inhuman. He smelled like death."
Fran Carter, Associate Vice-President of Ginsu's parent company Douglas Quikut, stands by Rouse's approach. "It is vital that potential Ginsu customers be aware of the potential safety hazards involved with unsafe use of our knives. They need to know that improper use can lead to some pretty serious injuries.
Rouse, who is returning to the world of door-to-door sales after completing a stint at nearby Fort Bend Coundy Maximum Security Prison for aggravated assault with a Kirby vacuum cleaner, revealed that "I don't know why that old broad got so spooked. I just told her how I could cut through bone, like hers or her families, or her pets. And how I could, you know, do it over and over again if I wanted to do. What's the big deal?"
After discussing the incident with Rouse, Douglas Quikut Vice-President Fran Carter again stated her full support of his technique, saying that "Potential customers also need to know that our quality cutlery never need resharpening. I'm at a loss for why this is being so bandied about in the press. Isn't there a war or something going on?"
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
"I don't know what happened to them," Wilson explained. "I swear I left them right here in the garage. Maybe this is some kind of quantum entaglement or a very small black hole. I think I saw something about this on the internet."
This is not the first time that Wilson has provided stange and improbable excuses for alleged unneighborly behavior. Mortenson, who is demanding that the missing hedge clippes be replaced, revealed, "I don't buy it for a second. This is the same guy that last year told me a sasquatch must be leaving those tightly coiled piles on my front yard. All I know is that the same day he brings his mutt home from the animal shelter, my yard turns into a mine field."
Monday, October 29, 2007
"This is not going to be an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination," Trudea explained. "Representatives of this organization are everywhere. They are in our schools. They are in our homes. The mere fact that you have probably never heard of or had any problems with this insidious organization is all the proof you should need that it is pure evil."
Nicholas P. Kostan, Superintendent of Lynn's public school system isn't buying Trudeaus claims of a sinister side of the PTA. He answered those claims in a statement released to the press. "The PTA is a voluntary organization bringing together parents and teachers of pupils in a particular school or school district, usually for fund-raising, building parental involvement at school and other activities relating to the welfare of the school. There is nothing going on that the general public needs to worry about. Especially if they know what is good for them."
PTA National President Jan Harp Domene has heard these types of accusations before. "Trudeau is just trying to make a name for himself and obviously is running out of groups to denigrate. The PTA is not, and never has been, involved in supplying arms to inner city gangs. We have never stockpiled plutonium. And we are not brainwashing student's into a zombie-like state of subservience as soldiers in our quest for dominion over humanity. To even suggest such things is absurd. Stupid humans."
Trudeau's new book will trace the history of the PTA back to the Dark Ages where a group of druids, witches, and stranded aliens began monthly gatherings to discuss ways of improving their lackluster fundraising efforts to support the wiping out of the human race. Legend has it that these early meetings spawned the first documented bake sales and spaghetti dinners, only instead of the auction of a new wagon or a sack of flour the unwary peasant villagers were lured to their doom.
When it was discovered that merely asking for the villager's money, instead of devouring their flesh, improved both the weight of their coin purses and their reputations, the group decided to go legit. At least by appearances that is. Trudeau claims that modern descendant of these dastardly cabals is today's PTA. "These guys are so afraid of what I have to say that they have tried to stop me from writing this book. But if you order now, I'll throw in copy of my new CD, the one that the PTA doesn't want you to know about, on which I expose how they use Ice Cream Socials and Back to School Pancake Breakfasts to manipulate us all."
Sunday, October 28, 2007
"We are all going to die! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh," Cornish explained. "Game over man, game over. The only thing left to do now is pray. I'm talking minutes, just minutes."
Dr. James Bernard, an expert in global emergency management, disagreed stating that "This is beyond prayer. It's a done deal. Humanity will very soon cease to exist and nothing is going to change that unless someone out there has the ability to bend time and space."
"Local man Sherman Leach, who was born with the ability to bend time and space, was found dead today," anchor Trip McDermott revealed. "But first, before we head back to Caroline Cornish with an update on the now unavoidable destruction of the human race, Jim Tucker has the latest sports scores. And later, Tricia Sloan has our Consumer Watchdog report. Stay tuned to learn a few simple ways to avoid home repair scams."
Saturday, October 27, 2007
"We at the FDA feel that the removal of these medications from store shelves is vital to the safety of young children," FDA Commissioner Andrew C. von Eschenbach explained. "And this is a big step forward for us in our goal of rendering ourselves obsolete."
Parents and healthcare providers of varying legitimacy appear to have mixed feelings, and some are less than happy about the FDA decision. Roberta Lambarts, medical doctor and fourth generation carny, is concerned that "This is more than doubling the average time I spend with patients and this is just unacceptable. What am I, a homeopath? I don't have time to talk to my patients!" Homeopathic physician Brynt Sierra is pleased with this development. "This is great. Now there is less competition from alopathic placebos."
Representing parents in a class action lawsuit against the FDA is retired defense attorney Pamela Sessions. "We are going to run those bastards into the ground for this. As a parent, I have a God given right to give my child a completely ineffective medication or to drug them into a coma so that I can sleep!"
Friday, October 26, 2007
"There are many well established benefits to formula feeding," Enfamil representative Brooke Mayweather explained. "Formula is scientifically designed to provide infants with all the nutrition that they might need, and is a much better fit for the active lifestyle of today's on-the-go babies who don't necessarily appreciate being forced to rely on a caregiver for meals."
The commercials will show a series of images of young infants engaged in a variety of activities such as tennis and water polo, non-athletic but equally involved undertakings like public speaking and city planning, and moments relaxing at the beach with their baby friends. The slogan, "For Fitness or Fun, Think Formula!", has been chosen to accompany these images. Hallie Berry has signed on as a celebrity spokesperson.
Mayweather further revealed that "Formula companies are first and foremost interested in promoting ways to help newborns and older infants live active and healthy lives. We are expecially concerned about the growing threat of infant obesity." This dedication to infant health has led to formula companies' involvement with promoting infant exercise programs in an effort to stem the tide of this very serious problem. "Our studies show that this generation of babies will need size 5 diapers earlier than any before it. We really have an opportunity to do something about this but people have to buy more formula.'
The companies are planning to use these public service announcements as a platform for not only promoting awareness of the benefits of formula but also the unveiling their new lines of diet baby formulas. These new light formula products will have half the calories of conventional formula and will also be available in low-fat as well as a Atkins, Zone, South Beach, and Hollywood Miracle Diet varieties.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explains, "That is what makes a subluxation such a threat to public health. Medical doctors call high blood pressure the silent killer but at least that condition, whatever it is, is rare. Studies have shown that every single person that visits a chiropractor is found to have a subluxation. That's pretty scary because a lot of people don't even see a chiropractor regularly. They see a dentist twice a year but ignore the recommendations of the World Chiropractic Alliance, International Chiropractors Association, and American Chiropractic Association on regular spine exams."
The exact definition of the spinal subluxation has changed somewhat over the years as chiropractic science advanced. Earlier notions of a spinal segment having to be demonstrably out of alignment and pinching a spinal nerve were discarded for the more exact Vertebral Subluxation Complex or VSC. This is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health. Dr. Grimes points out that "The process of coming up with a unified definition of the subluxation was very scientific, involving a show of hands and I believe someone had a calculator."
The difficulty in locating these spinal subluxations even with advanced imaging such at CT scans and MRI has, in large part thanks to chiropractic researchers over the years, been overcome by the development of a number of high-tech diagnostic modalities such as low resolution electronic chiropractic thermography and supine leg length differential estimation. Some chiropractors with advanced training are even able to locate subluxations on xrays of the spine that regular medical radiologists would miss.
But the most vital aspect of any chiropractic evaluation remains the hands on palpation required to diagnose more subtle subluxations. Grimes reveals, "This is where the art of chiropractic, as opposed to the science, comes into play. Sorting out those hard to find subluxations can be difficult but eventually you'll find one in pretty much everybody. It's a nice feeling to catch one early before any catastrophic nervous system damage or immune dysfunction has taken place."
Typically, subluxations can be easily treated with a series of chiropractic adjustments, which consist of a series of highly skilled, manipulations of your spine with varying degrees of force, or with certain instruments, and in a variety of locations depending on where the subluxation is found along the spine and what particular technique your chiropractor uses. There are hundreds of different adjustment techniques, all of equivalent efficacy at treating subluxations and improving health. Patients tend to respond better to more frequent visits, some even requiring daily and weekly adjustments. Grimes adds, "Once the patient is out of danger, visits to maintain alignment and prevent subluxations are a must. You don't stop brushing your teeth once a cavity is filled!"
Of growing concern to the chiropractic community is the increasing incidence of adjustment resistant subluxations, and the recent discovery of subluxations resistant even to advanced chiropractic treatments such as non-surgical spinal decompression systems and Applied Kinesiology. Grimes explains, "If this trend continues, we may soon see a day where chiropractors become obsolete. It's a good thing I know how to do acupuncture."
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
"A caterpillar!" Hannah exclaimed proudly as her mother held up a card featuring a lepidoptera in its larval form. Her mother sighed. "Caterpillar won't get you into Harvard sweetheart."
"Flowers!" She excitedly yelled out, a frown formed on her mother's face. "It's only partial credit. These are Siam Roses. Come on Hannah, you know these!"
After a quick run through the alphabet and the first 5 prime numbers, Wallace kissed her daughter goodbye and headed off to work with a look of concern on her face. "Hannah just isn't progressing like she should be. If she doesn't excel now, then how can we expect her to rise to the challenges of a competitive kindergarten. And if she drops the ball in kindergarten just forget it. She'll be flipping burgers for sure!"
Wallace may come across as a little high strung, and perhaps she is placing too much emphasis on the academic performance of a 3-year-old, but today's stressful learning environment is leading to more and more encounters such as this. It is becoming increasingly more difficult for children to keep up with the rigorous lesson plans and homework, let alone to stand out as stellar students. It is this pressure to perform that experts believe is behind the increasing numbers of preschool dropouts.
But rising truancy rates are not the only problem that school officials are experiencing. Tina Crabbins, a teacher at the Primrose Academy Preschool where Hannah Wallace is enrolled, has seen sharp increases in cheating as well. "Yesterday I caught a student with the names of the primary colors written on her wrist during a pop quiz. She can't even read. How did she think that was going to help? She's a little slow."
Another disturbing trend is the increasing number of 2 and 3-year-old students being diagnosed with learning disabilities. Crabbins explained that "Since more is being expected of these young scholars, hidden learning disabilities are bound to be exposed in more children than in the past. If something isn't done, the weaker students are at high risk of slipping through the cracks of the system. It is difficult for a 3-year old to make it in the real world without at least a basic understanding of the four seasons."
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
"Far too many families throw their hard earned money away based on the overhyped claims of potential future benefit they hear from these private cord blood banking companies," NCH Executive Director Sharon Stevenson explained. "Conventional allopathically processed cord blood might only help one child but a nationwide system of homeopathic donation facilities would lead to a much greater positive impact on pediatric health. We could literally provide potent stem cells, or at least a memory of their energy, for every child in the world with just one donation."
Their campaign, which will debut in print, radio, and television spots early next month, will consist of images of happy and healthy appearing families juxtaposed with images of those same families gathered around an ill child in a hospital bed. Readers and listeners will be encouraged to donate their newborn children's cord blood so that potentially lifesaving stem cells might be harvested, diluted and potentized, and then used in homeopathic treatments. The slogan, "Are You the One?", will be used to convey the sense that an individual's donation might save millions of lives.
The homeopathic community is very excited to be taking part in such a potentially world changing endeavor. Local homeopath Josh Billings revealed that "As a scientist and a healer, it just feels nice to be able to help so many people."
Monday, October 22, 2007
"This is awesome man, just awesome," Jindal exclaimed at the victory party held in his honor at the Fox and Hound Pub on Corporate boulevard. "Seriously man, I don't want to talk about politics and junk. I just want to play some pool, drink a few pints, and have fun. You want a beer?"
With 56% of the votes in his favor, Jindal feels that he has the support to go ahead with a number of controversial initiatives. "I truly feel that the Playstation 3 is the better platform but the Wii has a broader appeal. It is a gaming system that I feel best represents what we stand for here in Louisiana and there should be one in every home."
Sunday, October 21, 2007
"I knew this would happen," explained Red, a Fraggle who is thought to now be the last surviving member of the species. "It was only a matter of time before Gobo went and got himself killed, and I always worried that he'd drag the rest of us down with him with his silly "exploring". This is that damn Traveling Matt's fault!"
A number of theories have been proposed as to why the near entirety of the Fraggle population was gathered in one of the lesser-known caves. Fraggleologists are convinced that, based on the 5-year long documentary of Fraggle life which was televised from 1983 to 1987, the group was searching for a fresh supply of tasty Doozer scaffolding. A competing theory involves the establishment of a Fraggle cult, built around the worship of an all-knowing all-seeing Trash Heap.
Not everyone is upset about the unfortunate demise of these colorful, radish eating critters. Ma Gorg, self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe revealed, "Good riddance to those pest. Fraggles are nothing but vermin. Radish stealing vermin." Silly creature from outer space, and former North American Society of Tinkerers "Man of the Year" Jerome Crystal seemed unconcerned by the deadly turn of events, asking "What's a Fraggle? Did Shimmelfinney put you up to this?"
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Just hours ago, while preparing to open the diner that has been in her family for 5 generations, Rhonda Huxley grabbed a day old cheese danish out of a countertop display case. What Rhonda didn't know was that this simple action would soon put her, and this very special pastry, in the middle of an event of scientific proportions.
"I didn't know who it was," Huxley explained. "It just looked like an old man with a scruffy beard. But there's this guy Jim who eats here who knows everything so I saved it to see if he could figure it out."
What Jim Balhoff, a custodial engineer at nearby Columbia Community College, saw when he gazed into the cheese filled concoction of flour, milk, yeast, eggs and butter, was a perfect likeness of Charles Darwin, the man who first proposed and provided scientific evidence that life has evolved over time from common ancestors through the process of natural selection. Balhoff revealed, "I saw him on an episode of The 700 Club. They had a cartoon where he marries a monkey and then they have monkey babies. I didn't come from no monkey!"
As word spread through the scientific community, researchers from a variety of fields have been making their way here to view the image of Darwin. "I just had to see it up close," zoologist Derick Sazuki explained. "I had to bask in its presence, to soak in its healing essence."
A makeshift encampment has been built by the growing mass of scientists and throughout the crowd there can be heard expressions of joy and exaltation. Many of these men and women faint upon the sight of the danish, some even erupting into long sequences of ones and zeros. A number of scientists, upon touching the pastry have thrown away their glasses claiming to have restored vision. One man stood straight, he claimed, for the first time in years because his scoliosis was completely corrected. "It's a vastly improbable occurrence! I give my life to you!"
Friday, October 19, 2007
"Genetical modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and the Bible."
Meeting coordinator Tim-Bob Alvarez, a Doctor of Tobaccology, further revealed that "Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists who aren't in the pocket of the GM crop industry are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes."
Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than natural varieties according to some of the attending experts. Dane Cook, a comedian and environmental activist serving as the keynote speaker, stated that "This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option of choosing between natural and GM crops."
Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. Alvarez, always the skeptic, pointed out that "This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects?"
Not suprisingly, today's meeting of the minds actually raised more questions than it answered. But those taking part have sworn to continue their tireless efforts to root out the hidden dangers of genetically modified crops, even in the face of contrary evidence. "Ignoring data that fails to support one's conclusion isn't easy," Dr. Grimes explained. "But it is the mark of a true hero to stand up for one's beliefs no matter how wrong they might be."
Thursday, October 18, 2007
"We felt that owning the rights to such an important aspect of the lives of an ovewhelming majority of American citizens was definitely worth the asking price," Donald J. Hall Jr., current president of the company explained. "Plans are already underway to legally change the name to a more appropriate word, that is once a few minor bumps in the road are smoothed over."
Representing Hallmark in the current legal battle over the company's ownership of love is Daniel Weeb, who may be recognized as the lead attorney in Kevin Federline's failed attempt to purchase rights to the 1991 Gerardo smash hit "Rico Suave". "I Hallmark the opportunity to represent Hallmark in this case, which is essentially meritless."
The current lawsuit involves the claim, by Joel Osteen Ministries, of having ownership of agape love, or asexual spiritual love, for the past several years having won them in a high stakes poker game with Christodoulos, the Archbishop of Athens and All Greece. He is asking for a portion of any profits coming from the use of the human emotion formerly known as love.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Since the year 2000, when Brown released her inexplicably accurate list of 40 general predictions for the next 100 years, including such revelations as "Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and green and lavender lights." and "There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek Senate structure.", she has continued to produce lists of even more amazing predictions in order to better fill in the gaps in our knowledge of the future. Her previous list of predictions, "The Next 100 Years of Electronics", sent shockwaves through Wall Street as investors scrambled to dump stocks of future losers. Her list of breakfast predictions also stands poised to rock the very foundations of our modern society:
1. By 2015, breakfast will be eaten almost entirely with a fork, even cereal, but cereal will be the new word for eggs. Cereal will no longer be eaten because of the discovered toxic effects of genetically modified crops.
2. The Trix Rabbit will obtain a box of the coveted cereal which shares his name by clandestine means in early 2019 only to have it snatched away by a group of unruly children. Their demise at his hands, which will forever be known as the Murdery Massacre, will be the first step on a long and winding road to the electric chair.
3. At the age of 57 in 2030, Dig 'Em Frog will finally decide to escape the shackles of type casting and move to the Broadway stage. He will eventually star in a revival of "A Chorus Line" as Gregory but first he will legally change his name to Dig Them to symbolize his newfound maturity.
4. A clinically depressed Tony the Tiger will lose much of his fan base when he abruptly changes his slogan to "They're Fi-i-ne I guess if you like that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter because we are all going to die anyway!"
5. After a bitter feud lasting several decades, Count Chocula and Franken Berry will reconcile and reunite in 2053, forming a Bobby Brown cover band. Senator Brown, whose brain will have been uploaded into the Internet will successfully sue the duo for royalties from their popular albums.
6. Emerging from the closet in the year 2065, now openly gay Crackle! will be forced out by born again Evangelical Christians Snap! and Pop!. Crackle will join with Bang! and Whack! to back a new breakfast cereal for gays. Snap! and Pop! will ascend to Heaven during The Rapture, which will take place in 2090 as opposed to 2091 due to a clerical error. They will be disappointed to learn that Heaven has been bought by Microsoft and renamed The Holy Vista version 1.0.
7. Finally succumbing to his lifelong love of Super Sugar Crisp cereal, Sugar Bear will suffer his third and final heart attack in 2095. Having lost both legs to diabetes years earlier, Sugar Bear had been spending his time as unlikely first mate to Horation Crunch who had resigned from the Navy to shrimp the New Gulf of Mexico, which is the same as the old Gulf of Mexico really but there will be this whole attempt to improve its image that won't really work that well because of the toxic jellyfish infestation.
8. King Vitamin will assume the position of Supreme Overlord of the Earth in 2098. His reign will last one day as he will die in a tragic accident secondary to an innocent misunderstanding. His last words will be "Not me! The cereal!"
9. I see nothing past 2099. This perhaps means that the end of all existence occurs during that year, or maybe just the end of breakfast.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
"This isn't final, but after a thorough and exhaustive examination of the deceased, the only abnormality I found was a total absence of good nerves," Lafayette Parish Deputy Chief Medical Examiner Frank Cataldie explained. "The most intact nerve, which was very likely her last good one, was worked pretty hard. It has to be what killed this woman."
This would not be the first death blamed on an overworked last good nerve and University of Louisiana at Lafayette neuroanatomist Steve Harkey should know. He's been studying this phenomenon for the past 15 years. "Usually these events can be traced back to misbehaving children, with a full quarter of them directly resulting from sassmouth. The rest are divided up between not mindin', actin' a fool, and botherin' your sister."
Monday, October 15, 2007
"This wreckage you see behind me is just the latest in an unprecedented series of attacks on research labs," Agent Bill Tanner explained. "At first glance, the planning that must have gone into these terrorist acts would seem to have only been possible with a number of highly trained men and women working together in a concerted effort to avoid collateral damage and loss of human life. Perhaps some kind of a PETA supported group of individuals seeking to put an end to animal research, to liberate them if you will."
Not everyone accepts the FBI's conclusion that the diminutive alien from Melmac is to blame for the multiple counts of arson. Fan club president Derek Holloway continues to claim Alf's innocence. "He wouldn't care about lab animals. We are talking about a creature that thinks cats are a delicacy. This is ridiculous!"
Sunday, October 14, 2007
"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."
Naturally these findings will serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of manipulating the behavior of others. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."
The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results from the beginning. In a leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The LSUHSC Department of Internal Medicine has just completed an exhaustive 6 month research project involving cats with SCIDS, or Severe Combined Immunodeficiency Syndrome. Scientists were able to use the cats as test subjects for a variety of experimental procedures not yet deemed safe for human subjects. And now that the testing is complete the men and women who have worked day in and day out with these frisky felines feel that they deserve a loving home.
Normally test subjects from projects such as this would be incinerated but these cats, though physically and emotionally challenged, would make a loving pet for anyone and are just too cute and cuddly to be autoclaved. However, as they were born without a working immune system, they have lived their lives encased in a metallic, germ free environment and do have certain special needs. But oh boy do they love to snuggle as long as the hull of their sterile containment unit is not breached. If this were to occur they would surely die within a matter of hours as their blood would quickly run rampant with a number of lethal opportunistic microbial predators.
Their complete lack of both T and B cells does not mean that they are deficient in fun. In fact, they love to run around and chase a vast array of toys held safely out of reach just outside of their 3 inch viewport. SCIDS may have cut down on their humoral and cell-mediated immunity, but not their appetite. These playful little furballs go nuts over their 15ml of vitamin rich nutrient and tuna solution injected intravenously twice daily. But the best part of owning one of these cute kitties would be the satisfaction of knowing you are making a difference in their lives. And that difference would be obvious with every purr if they had a larynx.
Friday, October 12, 2007
"Starbucks is leading the way for businesses to better serve their customer base through some pretty amazing and cutting edge advances in technology," company president Jim Donald explained today in a press conference held at the company's headquarters in Seattle. "Making this all possible is our teaming with IBM, who has produced for us a one of a kind supercomputer that is the most powerful of its kind and capable of crunching through a thousand trillion mathematical operations every second. Keeping track of the spending habits, personal information, whereabouts, and medical information of a few million people shouldn't be a problem."
The chip, which is being manufactured by TriStigma Industries, will be offered to all Starbucks customers on a voluntary first come, first serve basis, and upon consent will be injected into the subcutaneous tissue of the chosen forearm. The chip will then slowly imbed itself into the recipients neuroendocrine system, for monitoring purposes only, and begin to transmit information to the company's orbiting satellite. Plans are already underway to begin challenging laws that require informed consent before placing the chips.
Donald further revealed that "In the very near future, patrons will be able to order and pay for their favorite Starbucks beverage with a mere swiping of their arm under a scanner. The chip's sensors, and the millions of nanobots that will spread throughout the body, will track trends in vital signs, neurotransmitter release, and sexual arousal all in an effort to better serve our customers. But this is just the beginning. Eventually our customers will be scanned as they walk through the door, allowing for our staff to begin preparing their coffee of choice right away. The offensive capabilities of our chips will of course only be used as is deemed necessary by our board of trustees. Starbucks has only your best interests at heart and you have nothing to fear."
Thursday, October 11, 2007
"We're very sorry, just very sorry," Mr. Mars explained. "If we have mislead our customers into thinking that the only place inside which our delicious candy coated chocolates can melt is the human mouth, then we apologize. It was not intentional. This is a time in the history of our company that is as dark as our new gourmet 70% cocoa dark chocolate M&M's."
A federal judge has ruled that Mars Incorporated must produce a nationwide public service announcement to educate consumers on the myriad locations so far shown to result in M&M meltage such as blast furnaces, nuclear reactor cores and deep sea hydrothermal vents.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
"This new crop will revolutionize the way rice is grown around the world, particularly in Asia where around three billion people depend on it to survive," Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant explained. "This monumental achievement will become even more important on a global scale as climate change leads to more and more extreme weather."
Johnny Moseley, Olympic gold medalist in men's freestyle skiing and legendary X-Games competitor, has signed on to promote Monsanto's new product around the world. "When I first heard about Monsanto's rad new product X-Treme Rice, I just had to be involved because being extreme is what I'm all about to the extreme. And the more I learned about this totally in your face product the more stoked I became. But seriously, global warming is not cool."
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
"Bullies all over the world should appreciate this milestone," team leader Dr. Joey "The Gooch" Edwards explained. "Once we fully understand the genetic building blocks of the nerd, we will be one step closer to understanding geeks, dweebs, goobs and the elusive hyperdweeb. Once that is accomplished, we may finally come to grasp just who we are and why we are here."
Not everyone appreciates the recent advances in bully science, and its social implications, including powerful nerds and goobs like Bill Gates, Dustin Diamond and Alfonso Ribeiro. Gates revealed from his orbiting control center that "This is nothing but more bully propaganda being pushed on the American public under the guise of scientific progress." Ribeiro added that "When fascism comes to America, it will migrate through polyacrylamide gel and give atomic wedgies!"
Monday, October 8, 2007
"It's taken a lot of time, some intense psychotherapy, and gastric bypass surgery to get me where I am today," the now svelte Grimace explained. "I'm not going to dwell on the past though. This is my chance to make a fresh start and a new name for myself."
Grimace's performance, The Milkshake Monologues, can be seen at the Garden City Rumpus Room all week and promises to clear up a lot of misconceptions about his life, in particular the rumors of his off-set romance with Birdie the Early Bird. "I had really hit rock bottom. I remember once when Ronald walked in on me snorting strawberry milkshake off of Birdie's stomach. It wasn't pretty. It's all in the show."
Sunday, October 7, 2007
"This is a real tragedy.....I guess," current Friar's Club Abbot Jerry Lewis explained. "He wasn't even invited and I'm not sure how he got in the building."
Long time Friar's Club member Don Rickles, nonplussed by Dick's horrible demise, was overheard saying that "I mean we knew the guy was flaming but this is ridiculous. Am I right or am I right? This guy's career went down in flames years ago and I guess nobody told him not to take that literally. Seriously, the guy makes Schindler's List look like Caddyshack. You've been great, don't forget to tip your waitress folks!"
Saturday, October 6, 2007
"Dammit I usually get that no problem man," Mr. Simon explained. "I have been feeling a little under the weather though, and I forgot to carb load this morning. Not getting warmed up like I usually do probably didn't help either. Plus all the stress I'm under what with my new job and, you know, the war and all that junk."
Fellow gym members aren't entirely convinced by Mr. Simon's excuses. Trainer Steve McDougal is especially skeptical. "I've never seen that guy do that much weight before. I think he's full of it. He was probably trying to impress the ladies or something stupid like that. Dude's gonna hurt himself if he's not careful."
After completing his weight workout, Mr. Simon was overheard blaming his poor basketball performance on that fact that his in-laws are in town and are just "stressing him out".
Friday, October 5, 2007
A number of astrologers are convinced that a new celestial body will, based upon their scientific calculations and measurements, forever alter the way forecasting future events is done. "A new planet changes everything,"American astrologer Clancy Simmons explained. "Before the existence of this new planet was known I might have predicted that a Libra born on October 5th, 1976 might face an obstacle or make a new friend. Now I can accurately say that the person will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That's how science works. The process is refined as new information comes in."
Not all astrologers support Mr. Simmon's stance. Dr. Joseph Conway, Hollywood Astrologer and pawn shop owner, is one of them. "I make my predictions based on the movements and locations of the stars so a new planet really doesn't effect what I do. Regardless of how many planets there are, if Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia is out you should probably just stay at home."
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Rhonda Sinclair, Timmy's International Toddler Union (ITU) representative, has been present for the duration of the fit. "My primary responsibility in these matters is to establish, wherever possible, a cooperative and reciprocal relationship between the two parties and to hopefully facilitate the settlement of complaints before they become formal grievances. But ultimately I am looking out for Timmy's best interests. And right now that is applesauce."
Family lawyer "Uncle" Carl Tuminello has been keeping the press updated throughout the conniption. "This could have been avoided folks. My clients entered discussions with Timmy early on in a good faith effort to defuse the situation and Timmy has been unreasonable in his demands. They are not going to budge on this. There will be absolutely no applesauce. The kitchen is closed, end of story."
ITU's Sinclair has made it clear that a strike is a possibility if Timmy is not granted at least a fruit cup. "It's an option we are considering. I don't think it will come down to a strike though. They seem like reasonable people who wouldn't want the guilt of a worldwide toddler meltdown on their conscience."
But the Watkinses don't appear to be concerned. "A strike. They don't have the guts. Look, it's almost naptime, he's been up all morning screaming, and we benadryled his orange juice. This will all be over soon."
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
"We at Nickelodeon feel that children need more encouragement to turn off the television and exercise," Nickelodeon president Cyma Zarghami explained. "Our experts tell us that the most effective way of providing this encouragement is by having one of the many channels that kids enjoy go down for three hours right after lunch every Saturday. Kids won't know what to do and their only recourse will be vigorous exercise. The only potential roadblock would be if some evil genius were to invent a device which allows for easy changing of the channels, but our sources put this kind of technology many years in the future. The obesity epidemic will be a non-issue by that point."
Seventh grader Sara Grimble, a fan of such tween oriented programs as Drake and Josh and Zoey 101, revealed that "At first I was like, great, now even Spongebob thinks I'm fat. But then I thought, what a great idea. With this, and the pulling all of their junk food ads, I think that Nickelodeon is really going to make a.....oh, they aren't pulling junk food ads. Well then what the hell is this gonna do!"
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Los Angeles, CA-A meeting of the world's foremost experts on neurodevelopmental disorders and vaccine science, moderated by autism authority and former co-host of MTV's Singled Out Jenny McCarthy, will be held today at UCLA's Schoenberg Auditorium.
"For years now, the scientific community has lagged behind the overwhelming anecdotal evidence that has been collected and compiled in places like Google and YouTube," Dr. McCarthy explained. "This meeting is the perfect opportunity to bring together research scientists, physicians and lay people treating disorders such as autism, and the speakers we have lined up are just amazing."
Simon Baron-Cohen, Professor of Developmental Psychopathology at the University of Cambridge, was very impressed with the scheduled presenters. "Where else are you going to hear Oprah discuss her work on mapping autism risk loci using genetic linkage and chromosomal rearrangements or Holly Robinson Peete expounding on studies of peripheral blood mononuclear cells from children with autism spectrum disorder."
The highlight of the symposium will very likely be the expert panel discussion on the role of environmental toxins, in particular mercury and childhood vaccinations, in autism. Panelists will include Montel Williams, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and the Phillie Phanatic.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Ms. Jenkins was found dead in her home today, face down in several inches of water and crushed under the weight of literally thousands of brooms and buckets. A copy of The Secret was found clutched in her right hand. Police were mystified by the presence of arms on the brooms and a large axe. Chunks of wood were found on the blade of the axe but there was no evidence it played a role in her death.
"A year ago I could have said that I'd never seen anything like this before," Detective Mike Hollingsworth explained. "But scenes like this have become suprisingly common in the past ten months. And every time that book turns up somewhere."
Dr. George Grimsley, a psychic healer and expert in quantum mechanics, revealed that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for occurences such as this. "Humans experience manifestations of reality that correspond to their intentional thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. Individuals therefore have direct control over their reality. This is the Law of Attraction, or the secret as it is known by lay people not familar with the the ins and outs of quantum theory. It's all in the book."