Campbell, CA-At last, Sylvia Brown's long awaited list of psychic predictions for the next 100 years, this time involving all things breakfast related, was published today in her popular newsletter, the Sylvia Brown Newsletter.
Since the year 2000, when Brown released her inexplicably accurate list of 40 general predictions for the next 100 years, including such revelations as "Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and green and lavender lights." and "There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek Senate structure.", she has continued to produce lists of even more amazing predictions in order to better fill in the gaps in our knowledge of the future. Her previous list of predictions, "The Next 100 Years of Electronics", sent shockwaves through Wall Street as investors scrambled to dump stocks of future losers. Her list of breakfast predictions also stands poised to rock the very foundations of our modern society:
1. By 2015, breakfast will be eaten almost entirely with a fork, even cereal, but cereal will be the new word for eggs. Cereal will no longer be eaten because of the discovered toxic effects of genetically modified crops.
2. The Trix Rabbit will obtain a box of the coveted cereal which shares his name by clandestine means in early 2019 only to have it snatched away by a group of unruly children. Their demise at his hands, which will forever be known as the Murdery Massacre, will be the first step on a long and winding road to the electric chair.
3. At the age of 57 in 2030, Dig 'Em Frog will finally decide to escape the shackles of type casting and move to the Broadway stage. He will eventually star in a revival of "A Chorus Line" as Gregory but first he will legally change his name to Dig Them to symbolize his newfound maturity.
4. A clinically depressed Tony the Tiger will lose much of his fan base when he abruptly changes his slogan to "They're Fi-i-ne I guess if you like that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter because we are all going to die anyway!"
5. After a bitter feud lasting several decades, Count Chocula and Franken Berry will reconcile and reunite in 2053, forming a Bobby Brown cover band. Senator Brown, whose brain will have been uploaded into the Internet will successfully sue the duo for royalties from their popular albums.
6. Emerging from the closet in the year 2065, now openly gay Crackle! will be forced out by born again Evangelical Christians Snap! and Pop!. Crackle will join with Bang! and Whack! to back a new breakfast cereal for gays. Snap! and Pop! will ascend to Heaven during The Rapture, which will take place in 2090 as opposed to 2091 due to a clerical error. They will be disappointed to learn that Heaven has been bought by Microsoft and renamed The Holy Vista version 1.0.
7. Finally succumbing to his lifelong love of Super Sugar Crisp cereal, Sugar Bear will suffer his third and final heart attack in 2095. Having lost both legs to diabetes years earlier, Sugar Bear had been spending his time as unlikely first mate to Horation Crunch who had resigned from the Navy to shrimp the New Gulf of Mexico, which is the same as the old Gulf of Mexico really but there will be this whole attempt to improve its image that won't really work that well because of the toxic jellyfish infestation.
8. King Vitamin will assume the position of Supreme Overlord of the Earth in 2098. His reign will last one day as he will die in a tragic accident secondary to an innocent misunderstanding. His last words will be "Not me! The cereal!"
9. I see nothing past 2099. This perhaps means that the end of all existence occurs during that year, or maybe just the end of breakfast.