Bangor, ME-WLBZ-TV reporter Caroline Cornish announced today during a segment that we are all going to die.
"We are all going to die! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh," Cornish explained. "Game over man, game over. The only thing left to do now is pray. I'm talking minutes, just minutes."
Dr. James Bernard, an expert in global emergency management, disagreed stating that "This is beyond prayer. It's a done deal. Humanity will very soon cease to exist and nothing is going to change that unless someone out there has the ability to bend time and space."
"Local man Sherman Leach, who was born with the ability to bend time and space, was found dead today," anchor Trip McDermott revealed. "But first, before we head back to Caroline Cornish with an update on the now unavoidable destruction of the human race, Jim Tucker has the latest sports scores. And later, Tricia Sloan has our Consumer Watchdog report. Stay tuned to learn a few simple ways to avoid home repair scams."