Monday, December 31, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 31st, 2007.....

by Steve

On December 31, in the year 1997, Quaker Oats and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology settled a lawsuit regarding their involvement in experiments which exposed more than 100 institutionalized mentally retarded children to radioactive oatmeal from 1945 to 1956. Though under the deceptive guise of attempting to prove that the nutrients in Quaker oatmeal travel throughout the body, the true goal of the experiments were to create an army of superhuman mutants to aid in Quaker Oats' mission of world domination.

It is well known that the founders of the company chose to use the trademarked smiling man in Quaker garb because Quakers, in addition to standing for good quality and honest value, have long desired to rule the nations of the earth with rosy cheeks and an iron fist. But it was not until the company's fateful choice to use actor Wilford Brimley in their now infamous 1980's ad campaign that the board of directors truly focused on complete control of the planet and all of its inhabitants.

The ads, which ran simultaneously on every television station in the world at the top of each hour for almost 15 years, showed a piping hot bowl of oatmeal being handed to a young disheveled child who stood in the front of a long line of equally dirty and malnourished men, women, and children. The boy's eyes light up as he begins to devour the oatmeal, and he is stood against a wall where he is shot through the back of the skull. The camera zooms in on the half eaten bowl of oatmeal, which is now beginning to fill with the bright red blood pouring from the dead young child. Brimley's voice then booms over a loudspeaker placed above the muddy pen where more people are held, saying "Complete subservience. It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."

If not for the heroic efforts of the surviving super soldiers created by the radioactive oatmeal some 40 years before, this grim picture of the future may have become a reality. Although some experts fear that the company is beginning to once again work on their nefarious plans to hold dominion over mankind. This time, with the FDA in the pockets, as well as the bulk of the medical establishment, Quaker Oats is primed to make significant advances in doing just that. Their products have already been legally allowed to claim heart health benefits, and soon they will be allowed to advertise as preventing cancer, autism, erectile dysfunction, and male pattern baldness. Once the doctors are in league with them, the lawyers will be next, and then the pathway to ultimate power is clear.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 30, 2007.....

On December 30th, in the year 1974, the Church of Scientology was officially recognized in the United States, marking the first significant progress made in undoing the dastardly machinations of a galactic dictator over 75 million years ago, and his evil minions in the psychiatric community that continue to oppress the citizens here on planet Teegeeack.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Fox Puts Hold on New Reality Show.....

Beverly Hills, CA-In response to the recent tragedy involving the death of a 17-year-old boy after being mauled by an escaped 350-pound tiger at the San Francisco Zoo, Fox television has chosen to withdraw its upcoming special When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America from the schedule.

According to a press release from the network, the program, which involves ten untrained adult Siberian tigers, "pits a series of amateur animal trainers against each other in a contest of wits, as well as the will to harness the ferocious nature of both the wild tiger and man, culminating in America choosing which two trainers will face off in the climactic final battle inside the Death Dome. It's time to put your tiger where your mouth is!"

"We at Fox are deeply sorry for the loss of this young man's life and feel that airing When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America might be considered by some to be in poor taste," Fox owner Rupert Murdoch explained. "In working to put shape and form on programs at Fox, there will be shows with no outer limits, and the only rules that we will enforce on these programs is they must have taste, they must be engaging, they must be entertaining and they must be original."

Fox executives have narrowed the replacement of When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America down to a handful of fine programs:

1. A live action remake of ThunderCats starring real cats with Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of Snarf.

2. The Early Birds: Operation Iraq, an epic mini-series starring Ernest Borgnine as a crotchety former army sergeant who re-enlists and is sent to the northern Iraqi settlement of Qahtaniya. In the process of helping a ragtag bunch of misfits defend the villagers from wave after wave of Al-Qaeda soldiers, he must find a way to forget the past and open his heart.

3. Reruns of When Tigers Attack VI: Who Wants to Marry a Tiger.

4. Temptation Broom Closet

5. Monkey Medium, a thriller about a psychic chimpanzee who teams up with a very skeptical Burt Reynolds to solve a new case each week, with hilarious results. Tony Shalhoub makes an unforgettable guest appearance as a depressed zoo employee with a heart of gold.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Life Expectancy of Classical Musicians Suprisingly Low.....

Liverpool, UK-Long thought to be a low-risk lifestyle, classical music is slowly coming to be known as one of the more dangerous occupations according to a new study out of the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool's John Moores University, and published in the prestigious Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

"Most people associate early death with rock and roll stars and not classical musicians," Lead researcher Dame Shinga Salisbury explained in an emergency press conference held today in the family room of a local Judy Dench's Fish and Chips. "Between 1956 and 2005 there were 100 deaths among the 1,064 musicians we examined. What we are trying to do is expose the sordid underbelly of the industry in the hopes that a number of future casualties might be avoided."

The study found that classical musicians were most at risk in the first five years after being named first chair in their respective orchestra, with death rates more than three times higher than normal amongst woodwinds and up to 5 times higher in the brass section. But Dame Salisbury discovered a suprising correlation between stringed instruments and premature demise. "The violinists in our study seemed to drop like flies. And while the brass section deaths typically resulted from blunt trauma to the skull, the violinists often went down with a bow to the neck, severing the jugular vein."

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 27th, 2007.....

On December 27th, in the year 1831, Charles Darwin embarked on his journey aboard the HMS Beagle, where he would first formulate his theory of evolution. Franklin Pierce Robertson, great-grandfather of Pat Robertson declared in response that "I’d like to say to the good crew of the Beagle. If there is a storm in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your vessel. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God off your ship. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there." Robertson would go on to call for United States covert operatives to "take him out".

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 26th, 2007.....

On December 26th, in the year 1793, the wedding of Prince Friedrich Ludwig of Prussia and Duchess Frederica of Mecklenburg-Strelitz took place. After a beautiful ceremony, a reception was held in the royal palace ballroom where entertainment was provided by The Magical Flutes, a Mozart cover band. A wonderful time was had by all, however the bride was quite embarrased when Uncle Steve took to the dance floor and did the robot during a rousing performance of "Wer ein Liebchen hat gefunden" from Act I Scene II of Die Entf├╝hrung aus dem Serail.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

New Book of the Bible to be Published.....

Vatican City-In response to sagging book sales, and the loss of a number of readers to the enormously successful Harry Potter series and popular television programs such as Heroes and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, religious authorities have hired a ghostwriter to pen a new installment to the Gospels of the Bible, the best selling literary work of all time.

"One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the Bible is the poor character development of the character known as Jesus," ghostwriter Frank Sarpong explained. "He's got a mysterious past, exciting superpowers, and the kind of tormented angst that today's 18-35 crowd can relate to, but just when things are getting going, bam he's dead, buried, and ascended."

In addition to providing some new details regarding the events that took place during his 30 years as a carpenter, a time largely left shrouded in mystery in other books of the Bible, the new books will focus on the origin of Jesus's supernatural abilities such as altering the density of his body, changing the chemical make-up of fluids, and creating matter. Sarpong is looking to give Jesus a modern take. "The whole God did it reason isn't flying with today's more savvy readers anymore. I haven't decided whether to go with genetic mutation or alien technology yet, but either way he's going to be fighting crime, and possibly dinosaurs."

Monday, December 24, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 24th, 2007.....

On December 24th, in the year 1906, Reginald Fessenden transmitted the first radio broadcast out of Brant Rock, Massachusetts. This first program, called Reggie F and the Morning Zoo Crew, consisted of a Bible reading, violin solo, and a review of Upton Sinclair's novel The Jungle. Fessenden was fined $1.25 by the fledgling Federal Communications Commission for the brazen use of the words bum and tarnation as well as for encouraging local women to join him in the studio to show off their ankles. Halfway through the broadcast, the tenth caller won a pair of tickets to see Tobiath Keith in concert.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Biblical Scientist Unable to Find Evidence Supporting Whale Evolution.....

Chicago-When Bible Scientist Clair Fortson heard of the recent discovery of a possible evolutionary link between modern whales and a now extinct land animal from India, a raccoon-sized creature with the body of a small deer known as Indohyus, she went to work looking for corroborating evidence.

"I've read the literature on this again and again," Dr. Fortson, S.T.D explained. "And in double-blinded placebo controlled Bible readings, there just isn't anything I can find to support this supposed link. This is just another example of the wealth of scientific data revealing the special creation by God of all life on earth."

A long-time skeptic of the theory of Darwinian evolution, and its driving force known as natural selection, Fortson has designed a variety of research protocols to test its validity. "First off, you have to have a full grasp of these processes before you can start finding the weak areas. Natural selection, at least as proposed by some scientists around the world, occurs when heritable traits that are favorable increase in prevalence in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, while unfavorable traits become less common. It sounds nice, but it just doesn't tend to pass muster when put to the test in properly designed scientific studies."

Dr. Fortson, S.T.D. has proposed a list of questions for the supporters of Darwinian evolutionary theory to answer. She reveals, "This is the heart of my research. I've spent years exploring every aspect of this issue and to be quite frank, if evolution is really happening, then these are questions that not only could be answered, they should be."

1. If we are the result of an evolutionary progression from monkey to man, why are there still monkeys?

2. How could humans have evolved from single celled organisms in only 6,000 years?

3. Why are there no documented cases of a cats giving birth to dogs?

4. Why can't scientists create life in a laboratory?

5. Why are fossils always buried underground? What are you trying to hide?

6. Why are there no transitional fossils that capture the process of evolution happening in real time such as a cat turning into a dog or a fish into a walrus?

7. Why do you want to burn in hell?

8. What is DNA?

9. Why do bananas fit so perfectly into the human hand, proving that they were designed for us specifically in mind?

10. What is the deal with the platypus?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences, to assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invicible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that today the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than yesterday, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 21st, 2007.....

On December 21st, in the year 1968, Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, was launched from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. The crew would go on to become the first humans to leave the Earth's gravity field. While in orbit around the moon, the crew made a Christmas Eve television broadcast in which they read from the book of Genesis and sacrificed a goat to thank God for their safe journey. On the return trip, and prior to reentering Earth's atmosphere, astronaut Jim Lovell released several doves. While most were burned up in the mesosphere, one returned to the shuttle bearing an olive branch.

Nancy Grace's Babies Not Eaten Yet.....

Atlanta, GA-Despite general expectations of the public, and the recent statements from a variety of news outlets, eye-witness and photographic evidence has revealed that Nancy Grace has not eaten her babies.

"I heard that she ate them last week on Fox News," amateur photographer Mark Flemming explained. "And when I saw her with one of them at a Krispy Kreme the other day I figured that maybe she had just eaten one of them. But then I saw the other kid in the car. I don't know what to believe anymore."

Disturbed by the false information being reported in the mainstream press, Grace held a press conference today to clear up any misconceptions regarding her plans to eat her 6-week-old twins. "Don't get me wrong America, I'm going to eat my babies when it feels right. The holidays are coming up so maybe I'll eat them on Christmas or perhaps on New Year's Eve. I haven't decided yet, but it's my decision."

Grace plans on returning to her hit CNN program, "Nancy Grace", on January 7th. In the meantime, you can catch her on most nights, prowling around Atlanta back alleys biting the heads off of rats, stray cats, and the occasional homeless person in order to drain their life essence.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Old Man Warns Local Children to Keep Out of Yard, Shakes Fist Menacingly.....

Green River, WY-After verbal warnings, parent notifications, police reports, and the placement of a perimeter fence were ultimately unsuccessful at detering neighborhood children from entering his yard, Green River native Werp Fishbein announced at today's neighborhood council meeting that he has no other choice but to take drastic measures.

"It's about time this nonsense comes to an end," Fishbein explained as he unrolled razor wire. "Any incursions into my land will be taken as an act of aggression and will be dealth with swiftly and harshly."

Local children are not impressed with Fishbein's escalation in tactics to prevent their use of his front yard for activities ranging from digging for dinosaur bones and buried treasure to racing bikes and go-carts. 9-year-old Timmy Pritchard revealed that "I don't care what that old man says. He's got the biggest yard in the neighborhood and some sweet hills too. I can get like 10 feet in the air on my bike. Really!"

After the razor wire, and the perimeter tar pit, the children will need to navigate a pretty heavy placement of anti-personnel landmines. Fishbein has also hired a Columbian paramilitary force, which he will pay based on the number of kills, to man a lengthy series of machine-gun nests and concrete bunkers. If the kids do manage to penetrate beyond this point, Fishbein has placed a number of motion sensitive sensors that, if activated, will set off a self-destruct mechanism resulting in the detonation of a 10 megaton explosive device. As a last resort, he has added a new underground sprinkler system that he will turn on.

Knudsen's History: December 20th, 2007.....

On December 20th, in the year 2005, United States District Court Judge John E. Jones III ruled against mandating the teaching of the scientific theory of Intelligent Design in the Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District trial. This proved to be a serious blow to those who have struggled for years to bring the truth of the literal interpretation of the Bible into our public schools where, sadly, many young schoolchildren flagrantly round the corners of their beards without fear of being stoned to death.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Rejected Area Man Blinded by Rage and Diabetes.....

Paw Paw, MI-Area man Alfred Rosenblatt, blind in both eyes secondary to complications of his type 2 diabetes, had to be forcibly removed from the Strand Theater today after an altercation stemming from the manager's refusal to allow him to take up an extra seat while only paying for one.

"The last time I checked, the United States Constitution didn't have a BMI requirment," Rosenblatt explained. "Is it too much to ask for me to come in, butter my coke, and lose myself in the meliferous instrument that was Diane Keaton's voice in Because I Said So or in the comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy in Norbit?"

Theater owner Melfred Strand was concerned about the possibility of bad press leading readers to making an unfair judgement about the inhabitants of this small Michigan town. "I don't want people thinking that the good folks in Paw Paw don't know how to treat people in a fair and decent manner. Most folks 'round here don't care if you're fat, skinny, black, white, mexican, or chinese cause we're all God's children. I mean we aren't like those stupid muslims who'd just as soon kill ya as look at ya."

Knudsen's History: December 19, 2007.....

On December 19th, in the year 1986, American author V. C. Andrews, who penned such classics as Flowers in the Attic and If There Be Thorns died at the age of 63. Her passing was a sad day, leaving future generations of American children without a proper means of discovering the joys, and realities, of consensual underage incest.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Number of Subprime Adoptions Going Into Default on the Rise.....

Nashville, TN-As the economy struggles to absorb the impact of increasing numbers of foreclosures, resulting from slumping sales and plummeting prices of homes across the nation, analysts are just now beginning to see a rise in the number of subprime adoptions going into default as well.

"I can't believe this is happening to me," Dan Gergles, a Nashville native whose 15-month old adopted son Trevor was recently auctioned on the Davidson County courthouse steps, explained. "I didn't even realize that my son was a subprime adoption. I mean, if a 24-year-old college drop-out making $7,000 dollars a year delivering pizzas can't obtain a quality adoption in this country who can? Bill Gates? Madonna?"

I asked financial advisor, cult leader, and radio talk show host Deek Rimley, whose Church of Monetary Placidity is located in nearby Franklin, Tennessee, about subprime adoptions.

According to Deek, subprime adoptions have higher rates than equivalent prime adoptions, and they're frequently given to folks who shouldn't be adopting in the first place. These adoptions often have a prepayment penalty, balloon payment, or an adjustable rate, but people are drawn to them though because they often have low initial payments. A sturdily constructed child with no concerning history of maternal drug abuse, congenital malformations, or developmental delays is very hard to pass up for a lot of people.

Deek's advice is pretty simple: If you're being offered a subprime adoption, there is a decent chance you just aren't ready to become a parent, at least not of a quality child with no obvious defects or deformities, and without a severe attachment disorder.

If you are in debt, have a poor credit score, or a history of anger management issues, you probably aren't ready. Perhaps you are better off waiting to get settled financially, and psychologically, before taking on being a full-time parent. But if you are determined to adopt, there are options that won't leave you stuck with a subprime adoption.

1. Try adopting the natural way, by impregnating, or being impregnated by, a stranger during a one night stand. If you play your cards right, and take enough incriminating photos while they are under the influence of any one of a number of drugs that can be easily disolved into their cocktail, you may even be able to avoid the hassle of a lengthy custody trial.

2. Adopt an irregular infant or toddler. Who says that children have to be perfect, to be perfect for you? There are literally millions of children in the world with chronic diseases, missing limbs, and sociopathic personality disorders that disqualify them from being adopted by more financially secure families.

3. Many agencies are perfectly willing to work with you financially without resorting to a subprime adoption. Often you'll find that paying cash up front for a child will lead to substantially reduced prices, and some agencies may even take trade-ins. If you don't ask you'll never know, so don't be shy.

4. Consider renting to own, a fantastic way to obtain a child without taking on debt. Rent to own stores won't even ask for a down payment and the child can be returned at any time without penalty. And many transactions will include an early buyout clause that could come in handy should you win the lottery or find a bag of money just lying around.

5. Lots of people have more children than they need, and it isn't fair now is it. Just take one. But be sure to leave a note explaining how badly you want a child, and what a good parent you will be. And remind them of how many children they have left and how perhaps they should stop being so selfish.

Knudsen's History: December 18th, 2007.....

On December 18th, in the year 1737, Italian violin maker Antonio Stradivari died. He is widely regarded as the creator of the finest stringed instruments ever made by humans and his death tipped the cosmic scales such that balance would not be found again until, coincidentally, Christina Aguilera was born on the same date in 1980.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 17th, 2007.....

On December 17th, in the year 1969, the USAF closed its study of UFOs, known as Project Blue Book, stating that sightings were generated as a result of "A mild form of mass hysteria, individuals who fabricate such reports to perpetrate a hoax or seek publicity, psychopathological persons, and misidentification of various conventional objects."

The obvious flaw in this conclusion is that it did not take into account the existence of a vast conspiracy involving the executive, judicial, and legislative branches of the United States government, the entirety of the United States military, government workers across all levels, city and state police and fire departments, the medical establishment, the pharmaceutical industry, the aliens, the abductees, thousands of eye witnesses and film developers, the movie industry, the Italian Maffia, the Yakuza (Japanese Maffia), Bill Gates, Ted Turner, me, and many thousands of addition parties.

Thankfully there are those brave men and women who face certain death in revealing the existence of this conspiracy to the world.

Chiropractic Researchers Find Dangerously Few Medical Doctors Practice Standard of Care Chiropractic.....

Alta Vista, KS-Sending shockwaves throughout the complementary and alternative medicine community, a new study by chiropractic researchers reveals that the number of American medical doctors that do not practice chiropractic standard of care when treating patients has not budged in the past 100 years.

"We knew that the numbers wouldn't be up to where they should be, but this was a very unexpected finding," Head researcher Lance Buckstern explained. "It isn't clear yet why the near totality of conventionally trained physicians appear to be ignorant of the healing powers of chiropractic techniques, so more study in this area is imperative. But according to our preliminary data, scientific medicine can almost be defined by its near complete lack of interest in chiropractic techniques, diagnostic devices, or even in holistic spinal health in general. That's pretty scary."

Not alone in his concern, many chiropractors across the nation are stepping up and offering special discounted rates to new customers, with some even waiving the costs of xrays and other standard diagnostic devices in an effort to bring the established benefit of chiropractic to more people in their communities. Dr. Frank Grimes D.C. of Belvidere, Nebraska explains that "If you come in before January 1st, I'll include the intial exam, full spinal series of xrays, thermal spine imaging, nutritional evaluation, the first month in our extended maintenance spinal health plan, and bottles of my SuperGreen anti-oxidant supplements, StemSupport vitamins, and anti-aging cream for only $135.99. And if you bring in the kids, I'll see them for half the price!"

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Knudsen's News: December 16th, 2007.....

On December 16th, in the year 1937, Theodore Cole and Ralph Roe attempted one of the most daring prison breaks in the history of the American penal system when they escaped from the federal facility on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. Neither of the men were ever seen again, and many experts have expressed doubts that they could have survived in the strong currents and freezing cold water.

Amazingly, Nostradamus himself had predicted the event in the recently discovered 43rd quatrain from Century VII in the third edition of The Prophecies:

"On the night of repose amongst the stocks;
the armament shall yield to a single defect.
Moonlight and a cold reception awaits the brothers,
and the depths accept their brazen entreaty."

During a recent taping of world-renowned psychic John Edward's television program Cross Country, which took place Alcatraz Island, the best-selling author and communicator with the deceased contacted two men with first names that started with a J, T, M, R, Z, Q, L, or Y who enjoyed being around the water. It was later confirmed by both an independant psychic and a Ouiji Board that the two men were the Theodore Cole and Ralph Roe.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 15th, 2007.....

On December 15th, in the year 1791, the United States Bill of Rights became law when it was ratified by the Virginia legislature. The First Amendment, also known as the Establishment clause, has for years confused judges and other government officials, even as high up as the Supreme Court, because of a rather unfortunate series of typographical errors in the first printing. The original wording is as follows:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except for Jesus, or prohibiting the free exercise of placing the Ten Commandments in federal court houses alongside inflatable nativity scenes; or abridging the freedom of speech about accepting Jesus into our hearts, or of the press, especially The 700 Club or anything said or written by Pat Robertson; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble to worship Jesus in public school classrooms and during football halftimes, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances from evil atheists who want to take Christ out of Christmas. Dear Lord, Our Heavenly Father, please bless this Bill of Rights, We Praise you, Amen."

Naturally this flies in the face of those misinformed secularists who claim that there is no mention of God, or Jesus, or even The 700 Club in the United States Constitution.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 14th, 2007.....

On December 14th, in the year 1902, the Commercial Pacific Cable Company placed the first Pacific telegraph cable, which ran from Ocean Beach, San Francisco to Honolulu, Hawaii. Sadly, this technological advancement would only incur the wrath of Pele, the goddess of fire and volcanoes. This curse has long been blamed for a number of calamities ranging from the 1906 earthquake that crippled the city, leaving over 400,000 inhabitants without homes, to the rising cost of living. Thankfully the curse was lifted by the efforts of the Brady family, who in 1972 returned a stolen tiki idol to its burial cave. Don Ho also played a pivotal role.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 13th, 2007.....

On December 13th, in the year 1973, Claude Maurice Marcel Vorilhon claims to have met an extraterrestrial being named Yahweh, during an alleged UFO encounter in Puy de Lassolas, France. He would go on to take the name Rael, and to find the courage in a world already saturated with countless phony religions and cults to cry out "me too!". He eventually founded and became leader of the Raelian Movement, lending further support to the scientific consensus that French people ain't right.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Knudsen's History: December 12th, 2007.....

On December 12th, in the year 1899, George Grant patented the wooden golf tee. Suprisingly it was not until nearly 50 years later that Alfred "lefty" Mcgillicuddy would, in an attempt to gain notoriety, forego the use of a wooden tee and allow a fellow golfer to hit a ball off of his crotch while lying down.

Monday, December 10, 2007

On Assignment.....

Zoo Knudsen is on an undercover assignment and will return, with more of the hard hitting and factually opaque news you won't get anywhere else, on Monday December 17th.

Other events of historical significance having occured on December 17 in the past, or destined to at some point in the near or distant future:

1. 1903 - The Wright Brothers made their first powered and heavier-than-air flight in the Wright Flyer at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.
2. 1953 - Birth of Bill Pullman, American actor.
3. 1969 - Project Blue Book: The USAF closes its study of UFOs, stating that sightings were generated as a result of "A mild form of mass hysteria, Individuals who fabricate such reports to perpetrate a hoax or seek publicity, psychopathological persons, and misidentification of various conventional objects."
4. 1989 - Premiere of hit animated television series The Simpsons.
5. 2015- Chiropractic reform movement will denounce the existence of the subluxation however it's sole member Stephen Pearle will be jailed without trial under the recently enacted anti-reason legislation pushed through congress by President Trudeau.
6. 2023- A new imaging technique, harnassing the power of human energy fields and the injection of radioactive material directly into acupuncture points, will prove the existence of meridians and forever change the way humanity approaches the study of medicine and science as a whole.
7. 2038- Deepak Chopra will achieve a higher quantum plane of existence and will use his newfound limitless power to declare himself emperor of the Universe and the "Eater of Worlds".
8. 2047- Homeopathic scientists, now achieving unheard of dilutions, will push the envelope one succussion too far thus wiping humanity off of the face of the earth.
9. 187,234,968- Humanity, having again come into existence via the process of natural selection will blame the coming of night on the anger of the Sun God, thus reinventing religion.
10. 191,387,211- Birth of Bill Pullman, American actor.

See you in a week!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Perfect Storm Impacts Already Dwindling Global Gerbil Supply......

Cleveland, OH-Individuals and businesses that rely on the worldwide supply of gerbils, which had stabilized after a record low in 2006, now must brace themselves for the impact of a "perfect storm" of production problems that experts predict will further decimate the availability of these valuable rodents.

A number of unrelated problems has led to the supply shortage, beginning with a new plant in Algeria ramping up production later than anticipated, and with half the expected capacity. A plant in Qatar is also coming online slower than expected. And with the world's largest source of commercial grade gerbils, the Exxon Gerbil plant in Wyoming, operating at only 80 to 85 percent of capacity, you have a recipe for disaster.

In response to the shortage, the Bureau of Gerbil Manaqement (BGM), which provides the crude unrefined gerbils to refiners, has begun to put new restrictions in place on the number of crude gerbils that can be taken by each refinery. And the price of gerbils has more than doubled in the past few years. Yet the demand is unlikely to drop off as gerbils have become such a vital part of so many industries, from NASA to medical technology, and such popular pets thanks to their many amazing properties, not the least of which is their use in producing the superconducting magnets used in MRI machines.

The inability to obtain a steady supply of quality gerbils is already affecting the beleaguered freight locomotive industry, which relies on gerbils to power its fleet of trains. "One of the biggest advancements in locomotive technology was the discovery that the combustion of a single gerbil released many times more energy than a herd of gerbils could produce running in an exercise wheel," locomotive industrialist Mathias W. Baldwin Jr. explained. "We'll make do with lower octane rated gerbils for a while, but eventually we'll just have to start hurling hamsters and kittens in those furnaces."

Experts do not foresee an end to this crisis for at least two years. But scientists are assuming that gerbil production may never return to pre-2006 levels and are already busy developing new methods and techniques to use gerbils more efficiently, or not at all.

Sine the early years of the 20th century, gerbils were the only rodents stable enough to use in dirigibles and other lighter than air aircraft. The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company's now infamous experiment with muskrat induced bouyant lift during last year's Superbowl resulted in the deaths of countless thousands of spectators however there was some recent success with the use of a vole/lemming combination during the recent Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Studies have revealed that this combination provides 92.6% of the lift seen with gerbils but is equivalent in regards to toxicity and corrosiveness.

The answer may also be found in improved gerbi recycling technologies, but organizations such as Greenpeace and the Gerbil Liberation Front (GLF) have for years been calling for an end to any use of the rodents, even for home heating. Wild unrefined gerbils have kept many a down-on-his-luck hobo warm during a harsh winter, but GLF and PETA feel that this violates the inherent rights of gerbils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of seeds and small bits of cheese. PETA representative have declared and undertaken a war on homeless people until gerbils are allowed to vote.

But regardless of how this crisis is resolved, many people are going to be deeply affected. In situations such as this it is difficult to find a silver lining. Some people will lose their livelihoods, and some will almost undoubtedly lose their lives. This is the bed we made by developing a world so dependant on gerbils.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Senior Citizens Recruited to Police Nation's Malls.....

Houston, TX-Responding to growing concerns over the safety of American shopping malls, Houston Mayor Bill White has issued a call today for the cities' senior citizens to help police the many retail complexes that operate in the area.

"This is really a win-win solution for the city," Mayor White explained. "The elderly are usually the first people to arrive at our malls, which they use to fulfill their social and leisure needs in a desperate attempt to fill the glaring void left by their near total abandonment by younger and more productive friends and family members. This is a chance for these now useless drains on society to give something back instead of just taking all of the time."

Not everyone is satisfied with the Mayor's plan however. Chauncey Jergens, the chief security officer at Houston's upscale Galleria shopping center revealed that “Customer safety, comfort and convenience have always been of the utmost importance here at The Galleria. Our comprehensive security program includes foot, bicycle and vehicle patrols seven days a week by uniformed and non-uniformed mall public safety officers and our canine patrols are particularly effective at keeping out undesirables.”

According to Jergens, all mall entrance personel perform thorough searches of bags, clothes, and body cavities in an effort to better ascertain the worthiness of potential shoppers to have access to The Galleria's many classy boutiques, specialty shops, and restaurants. Background checks are quickly performed in order to assess their socioeconomic status as well. "If you've got a credit score below 750 you can pretty much forget getting in here."

Friday, December 7, 2007

Young Designer Chosen To Revamp Classic Fashion Line.....

Paris, France-French fashion house Emanuel Underoo has announced today that 23-year-old Esteban Cortazar will take over as the new chief designer of children's cartoon themed underwear. He succeeds Norwegian designer Peter Dundas, who left in July after three seasons at the house.

"We were looking for someone young," Underoo Chief Executive Mounir Moufarrige explained. "The house needed a designer whose mind wasn't tethered to mediocrity by the loathsome abominations that were churned out in the past."

Cortazar plans on throwing out more classic lines, like Superman and Wonder Woman, in favor of heading in a new direction. "The old lines were all about heroes and one-dimensional do-gooders. Times have changed. People have changed. Today's children are into the bad guys because they are the characters with the most depth."

Cortazar's new line of undergarments will feature a host of both classic and contemporary villains such as Solomon Grundy, Mr. Myxlplyx, and Tony Soprano. Also, in addition to the standard small, medium, and large sizes, there will be a new husky size geared towards more calorically dense children. Sets of 3 100% cotton tee-shirt and briefs combos will run for around $800.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

New Children's Film Angers Some Christian Organizations.....

Los Angeles, CA-Christian groups are expressing serious concern over the new children's film "The Golden Compass", based on an award-winning novel by British author Philip Pullman, because of its anti-religious content.

"This movie, and the books that inspired it, should never be experienced by children being raised in the faith," Catholic Coterie of America president Burton Shoemaker explained. "Even the slightest introduction of a contrary idea might result in their turning to atheism and its complete lack of morality. Religion is the only thing that has so far prevented our nation's youth from drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sexual relations."

Even more outraged are the members of SSSA, a group of sailors who support the use of sextants and astrolabes for navigating the world's oceans. "Arrrr! Right there in the title it be! If these bilge rats don't avast, and smartly, the children will come to think that a compass be the only instrument what be helpin a man find their way through these dark waters."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Vatican Angry Over Tacky Cell Phone Saints.....

Rome, Italy-High ranking Catholic Church officials are dismissing as tacky and sacriligious a new cell phone service, offered in Italy, that provides images of the believer's favorite Saint for their mobile telephone.

"This is an outrage and a blatant misuse of these sacred images," Bishop Ralphio Macchiovito De Miyagieschi, a member of the Italian Bishops Conference Committee for Dotrinal Matters, explained. "Such praiseworthy icons belong on more appropriate surfaces like grilled cheese sandwiches, tortillas, pine doors, and greasy office building windows. This is clearly the work of the Satan."

The controversy has even reached the United States, where battle lines are being clearly drawn. Trucker Dermot McCurdy is less concerned about the images of Saints than the potential that this might inspire copycat services making use of other personally meaningful images. "I'd be pretty offended if anybody put a picture of Old Glory on a cell phone. That would only tarnish its image, and detract from the awe inspired by seeing our beloved flag painted on stock cars and women's underwear."


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

US Soldier Court-Martialed for Eyeballing.....

The Iraq-For the first time in nearly 3o years, a United States soldier will be standing before a military court today to face charges of eyeballing a superior officer.

"It's been a while since the last case," Investigative officer Captain Emil Foley explained. "The current conflict is no picnic and high levels of stress, and the constant fear of death, seems to bring out the worst in some people. Some of these soldiers are just kids, you know."

The Manual for Courts-Martial defines eyeballing as the act of looking directly at a superior officer, particularly during training exercises while in line formation, when use of peripheral vision is preferred. Punishment resulting from a conviction of eyeballing could range from a dock in pay to being skull-fucked to death.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Spice Girls Named as Suspicious Persons in Lubbock Murder.....

Lubbock, TX-The Spice Girls, a British female pop group that rose to fame last decade selling over 50 million records before going their seperate ways in 2000, have been named today as suspicious persons in the investigation of the murder of a Lubbock family.

"We aren't used to these kinds of horrific crimes in Lubbock," Chief of Police Wayne Payton explained. "We were really at a loss until we heard the news about the Spice Girls."

The news that Detective Payton is referring to was the announcement that the Spice Girl's reunion and world tour had kicked off with a bang in Vancouver on December 2nd, just one day prior to the grisly events in Lubbock.

"There was plenty of time for them to make it to Lubbock, shoot the 7 victims execution-style, dismember their corpses with a machete, cook and eat the victim's genitals, and return to Vancouver for the concert. We don't have a motive yet, but this is just too big of a coincidence to be ignored."

The Spice Girl's have so far refused to comment on these serious allegations.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Homeopathic Post.....

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Knudsen's News of the Wacky: Zany Forgotten Laws.....

Belvidere, NE-The small southern Nebraska town of Belvidere, known locally for its $3 Dollar Meatloaf, secret underground missile silos, and Lucky the 5-legged cow, also has some zany old laws still on the books:

"Law 137.9a: There shall be no picking of turnips after Founder's Day until the first full moon of the new year. Violaters of this law shall be buried unto their waist for a sixth night."

"I'm a big fan of Law 137.9a," Mayor Spooner Jenkins explained. "It's still very much applicable to today's modern Belvidere. Seriously, who hasn't been frustrated with late season turnip pickers?"

"Ordinance 214.G1: The breeding of irregular sheep is henceforth to be punishable by hanging. Spontaneously occuring irregular sheep are to be slaughtered and buried with haste."

"We've had 3 executions already this month," Jenkins revealed. "It's good for moral to see what can happen if you break the law around here."