Sunday, December 9, 2007

Perfect Storm Impacts Already Dwindling Global Gerbil Supply......

Cleveland, OH-Individuals and businesses that rely on the worldwide supply of gerbils, which had stabilized after a record low in 2006, now must brace themselves for the impact of a "perfect storm" of production problems that experts predict will further decimate the availability of these valuable rodents.

A number of unrelated problems has led to the supply shortage, beginning with a new plant in Algeria ramping up production later than anticipated, and with half the expected capacity. A plant in Qatar is also coming online slower than expected. And with the world's largest source of commercial grade gerbils, the Exxon Gerbil plant in Wyoming, operating at only 80 to 85 percent of capacity, you have a recipe for disaster.

In response to the shortage, the Bureau of Gerbil Manaqement (BGM), which provides the crude unrefined gerbils to refiners, has begun to put new restrictions in place on the number of crude gerbils that can be taken by each refinery. And the price of gerbils has more than doubled in the past few years. Yet the demand is unlikely to drop off as gerbils have become such a vital part of so many industries, from NASA to medical technology, and such popular pets thanks to their many amazing properties, not the least of which is their use in producing the superconducting magnets used in MRI machines.

The inability to obtain a steady supply of quality gerbils is already affecting the beleaguered freight locomotive industry, which relies on gerbils to power its fleet of trains. "One of the biggest advancements in locomotive technology was the discovery that the combustion of a single gerbil released many times more energy than a herd of gerbils could produce running in an exercise wheel," locomotive industrialist Mathias W. Baldwin Jr. explained. "We'll make do with lower octane rated gerbils for a while, but eventually we'll just have to start hurling hamsters and kittens in those furnaces."

Experts do not foresee an end to this crisis for at least two years. But scientists are assuming that gerbil production may never return to pre-2006 levels and are already busy developing new methods and techniques to use gerbils more efficiently, or not at all.

Sine the early years of the 20th century, gerbils were the only rodents stable enough to use in dirigibles and other lighter than air aircraft. The Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company's now infamous experiment with muskrat induced bouyant lift during last year's Superbowl resulted in the deaths of countless thousands of spectators however there was some recent success with the use of a vole/lemming combination during the recent Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Studies have revealed that this combination provides 92.6% of the lift seen with gerbils but is equivalent in regards to toxicity and corrosiveness.

The answer may also be found in improved gerbi recycling technologies, but organizations such as Greenpeace and the Gerbil Liberation Front (GLF) have for years been calling for an end to any use of the rodents, even for home heating. Wild unrefined gerbils have kept many a down-on-his-luck hobo warm during a harsh winter, but GLF and PETA feel that this violates the inherent rights of gerbils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of seeds and small bits of cheese. PETA representative have declared and undertaken a war on homeless people until gerbils are allowed to vote.

But regardless of how this crisis is resolved, many people are going to be deeply affected. In situations such as this it is difficult to find a silver lining. Some people will lose their livelihoods, and some will almost undoubtedly lose their lives. This is the bed we made by developing a world so dependant on gerbils.


Dreaming again said...

Simply brilliant my man!

The Laundress said...

much of this hardship could be alleviated if more people were made aware of the the ultimate mega-gerbil: Shaw's Jirds (Meriones shawi).

Yes, they are spectacular beasts and just a few dozen of them can fulfill the gerbil requirements of a community of 50,000+...

hoppers said...

This is so incredibly clever. It should remind us all that our dependance on gerbils (particularly foreign gerbils) can have some very dire consequences.