Thursday, July 3, 2008
Toledo, Ohio-While attending a reading by psychic Jim Edwins today, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed when the clairvoyant began to communicate with a deceased family member.
"I don't know how he did it, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Mr. Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W."
On his gift of communicating with the dead, Edwins revealed that he has no control over what come through from the other side. The spirits seek me out to deliver messages that they feel must be passed on to the living. For example, how they might have once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
"This is the first time that any fetus, let alone premature twins, have signed with a major motion picture company," Universal president Ronald Meyer explained. "This kind of thing may happen all the time at the Sundance Institute, but those fetuses pale in genetic comparison to our newest stars."
Staff maternal-fetal medicine specialist Mort Fishman, also in attendance today, expressed some reservations about exposing such immature neonates to the stresses of a Hollywood lifestyle. "I admit that when filming for their first picture, "The Parent Trap V: This Time It's Placental", began at the 20-week ultrasound, I got caught up in all of the glitz and glammer. But as a physician I have to question whether this will continue to be in the best interest of the twins, or the studio, once birth has taken place considering their likely deficiency in pulmonary surfactant and the flat and lifeless lighting from the phototherapy."
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
"The evidence is nearly conclusive at this point," Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Warwick Blair explained. "We have a variety of hair and tissue samples, as well as nearly a pint of various bodily fluids, and they are essentially made up of varying degrees of ethanol, heroin, crack and nicotine, with trace amounts of benzene and other industrial solvents."
Concerned for the safety of the citizens of London, who have only just begun to recover from the recent destruction of Heathrow Airport by an enraged Naomi Campbell, Blair has elevated Winehouse to a Category 5 hazardous material and is asking that a 500-foot safety zone be kept around the Grammy-winning artist until a suitable underground containment facility can be constructed.
Monday, June 30, 2008
"I've been living a lie all these years," Uppercut explained. "If I don't know something as simple as which cola beverage I prefer than how do I know anything at all? Has my entire life been a charade?"
Shaken by the experience, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Uppercut has left his wife and three children and relocated to nearby Eureka Springs."I just want to say, to Sharon if she's reading this, I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."
Friday, June 27, 2008
"We just didn't see this coming," acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson explained. "Who would have thought that these kids were turning to adults to acquire ethanol for illegal consumption. This changes everything."
The results of the nationwide survey go against the grain of current accepted thinking on the subject of underage drinking. Until now, epidemiologists had believed that teens and adults under the age of 21 were making use of an underground network of moonshine production and distribution run by adolescent hillbillies. That and atheists.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
"We have officially confirmed that the days of senseless and unnecessary murder of our winged brethren in the skies has come to end," PETA UK spokesperson Lord Tannington Somersby of West Puddingshire explained. "Let us welcome a new age of cooperation and cohabitation with the animal kingdom!"
In place of the highly trained marksmen, a state-of-the-art but highly experimental particle beam weapon will be put into use by event coordinators. The weapon's discharge of a concentrated beam of electrons will disrupt the molecular structure of any offending birds, leading to a harmless descent into the waiting arms of PETA volunteers who will be prepared to nurse the temporarily stunned creatures back to health in preperation for their release back into the wild in a nearby animal sanctuary. Scientists estimate that the number of human casualties, made up primarily of those sitting in the bleachers underneath the device but also of anyone within a 5-mile radius that is improperly shielded, will run well into the thousands.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
"I really can't believe I pulled it off," Taylor explained from her thirties inspired bungalow kitchen. "I just hope that there aren't any serious repercussions for humanity."
Culinary experts, like Food Network Vice-President Bob Tuschman, have in the past expressed concern that pushing the envelope of the number of grains added to bread may be asking for trouble on a global scale. "I am seriously afraid that shoving any more grains into bread may tip the scales in the cosmic battle between good and evil and hasten the oncoming of the now unavoidable apocalypse."
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, University of Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.
"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."
Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed that "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."
Monday, June 23, 2008
"We can't believe the results," Chief Medical Officer Mort Fishman explained. "I walk around and see cleaner floors, fewer medical errors and, most importantly, more satisfied patients. The staff is really on their best behavior and they are able to put more away for the future. Everybody wins."
But not all the employees are as excited about the improvements at Fisk Memorial, including Central Supply technician Hector Sanchez. "The random killings are a problem, but the benefits are really good here now. Still, I'm thinking about quitting."
Friday, June 20, 2008
“Our indoor tanning scienticians have discovered that UVB from indoor tanning converts cholesterol into vitamin D,” Medical doctor, Assistant Manager of Darque Tan Malibu, and Physician's Institute for Ethical Progress lead researcher Mort Fishman explains. "Now getting the vitamin D you need to survive is as easy as driving to a conveniently located Darque Tan."
The study reveals how only 5 minutes of indoor tanning is able to produce 4,000 International Units (IU) of Vitamin D, which is far more than the daily 400 IU recommeded for most people. But Fishman is concerned that recommendations based on this data may be premature. "The last thing we want is for people to think that only 5 minutes of indoor tanning is sufficient to stave off Vitamin D Collapse Syndrome. In our opinion, the safest course to take until more data is available is to visit your local Darque Tan as frequently as possible in order to build up body stores of Vitamin D."
Thursday, June 19, 2008
"This is an absolute outrage," Milroy, who lives in a one bedroom apartment with her cats and a subscription to The American Conservative, explained. "There they were, 900 yards away and naked as the day they were born trying to push their filth on us decent folk, and to turn the innocent children of Westmore into delinquents and sex fiends."
The elderly shut-in, who hasn't been offended to this degree since witnessing the Jenkins boy feel up Constable Wilson's niece in the backseat of his Subaru Forester while parked up on Mt. Pisgah, plans to continue watching the beach. "It is my duty as an upstanding citizen of this fine town to personally witness and log each and every sweat and sand caked nook and crevice displayed by those naked heathens!"
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Nashville, TN-Suprising medical professionals and fast-food diners across the nation, Ronald McDonald himself announced during a press conference today that Vanderbilt Children's Hospital has been purchased by the McDonald's Corporation. The hospital, which has long served the children of Nashville, as well as the rest of the state, will now be dishing out delicious healthcare McDonald's style. Something that, according to Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell, comes as no suprise.
"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."
Cody Carpenter, a third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."
In addition to replacing the cafeteria with one of their high quality eateries, there will be hospital wide policy changes reflecting the new administration. The executives at McDonald's, through their liason Grimace, have worked day and night along with the nurses, doctors and other hospital staff to establish a number of cutting edge approaches to medical care:
1. Instead of asking what brings you here today, doctors will now say "Welcome to Children's Hospital may I take your order?"
2. All medical terminology used at the hospital will now have the prefix Mc added to it. For example, nurses will use a McRectal thermometer to take your Mctemperature.
3. In addition to the regular medical tests and procedures, a 99-cent test menu will be available at the hospital. It will include such items as the McCBC and the McThird-Year Medical Student History and Physical.
4. Popular menu items will be liquefied for use in total parenteral nutrition.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
"All indications are pointing towards a worsening trend as more and more children ages 2 years and up with subprime loans are simply unable to make payments on their Classic Castles, Country Cottages, and Endless Adventures Patio Playhouses," Timmy Duncan, senior analyst for the Federal National Mortgage Association's Toddler Division, explained. "Their Piggy Banks are emptying fast and it is no wonder that many are turning to afternoons of crime."
As growing numbers of these houses are going into foreclosure, suburban police forces are adapting to the resulting increases in toddler crime. Many are installing child car seats within patrol car suspect transport enclosures and Fisher Price Corn Poppers are fast becoming standard-issue equipment. A race to develop profitable non-lethal methods of incapacitation and containment are being developed by both Lego and Play-Doh.
Monday, June 16, 2008
"We can now finally say with scientific certainty that our recommendations are actually paying off," pirate physician Mort Fishman explained. "Our data shows that among pirate babies born today there are 15% fewer peglegs, 30% fewer hook hands, and a suprising 70% drop in unilateral eye-patches when compared to buccaner infants from just ten years ago."
Known for their poor nutrition while on long voyages, and high rates of scurvy and other deficiencies in micronutrients, attempts at improving pirate health were met with much skepticism among pirate epidemiologists. But the evidence is compelling that the dietary changes begun in 1998 have led to major advances in pirate health, particularly amongst newborns. The decade old dietary recommendations include increased intake of vitamin C and folic acid, as well as reductions in high fructose grog and rancid weevil infested refined carbohydrates.
Friday, June 13, 2008
"Nothing like this has ever happened before," Ed Sutton, office manager of Dental Dan's House of Dentistry, explained. "But I'm starting to question why we even include the option of lobotomy on the patient information forms. It isn't even a dental procedure."
The error appears to have occured when Mr. Bossier, who has been reduced to a childlike state of giddy abandon after having the connections to and from his prefrontal cortex hacked away with the use of a standard universal curette, a dental tool that is more commonly used to scrape deposits from teeth enamel, checked a box requesting a lobotomy in addition to a standard cleaning and xray imaging package. "I like horsies!"
Bossier's mother, who plans to keep the former collector of hand-painted tin soldiers locked in a cage in the basement of their family home, remains upbeat in the face of such a devastating setback. "A lot of people would have trouble finding the silver lining in all of this. But despite having a significant portion of his brain severely and permanently impaired, John has already found new ways of communicating. He can point to the things he wants, he laughs when he's happy, he cries when he's sad, and when he's scared he tinkles."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
“This is something that I have been interested in doing for such a long time,” Alba said. “I was just waiting for the perfect opportunity for it to be done right so that I wouldn't let down my fans, or the world at large, which looks to celebrities, and the aesthetically elite, to produce beautifully crafted newborns for a variety of important uses such as genetic research and societal placation, or as Gifts of State for visiting foreign dignitaries."
But Alba hopes that people will come to see her work as more than just another line of babies designed by yet another celebrity. “I want my spawn to be loved by the public as well as to be taken seriously by the critics. I am constantly amazed at how my uterus was able to listen to my ideas and truly bring them to life, and I think that the hard work I've put into this effort really shows.”
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Lancaster County, PA-Amos Lapp, a highly respected member of the Lancaster County Amish community, was forced to reconsider his disbelief in electricity after being struck by lightning during a severe thunderstorm last month.
"I want to give thanks to God for his blessings and his merciful sparing of my life," Mr. Lap explained during a press conference held today in the auditorium at Lancaster General Hospital in recognition of his discharge home. "But to be honest, I've got a lot of thinking to do. A lot of thinking."
"Mr. Lapp's personal physician Mort Fishman described his recovery from the extensive electrical burns, and subsequent multiple organ dysfunction syndrome, as an example of the wonders of modern medicine. "A hundred years ago we would have thought that Mr. Lapp had an excessive amount of one of four bodily humors. Today we know that he has a small troll living in his belly."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
"I knew it was going to happen sooner or later," Willet explained. "The question now is where do I go from here. What else do the heavens have in store for 'ol Cleve?"
The citizens of Homewood, no strangers to divinely inspired revelations regarding convenience stores, supermarkets, and discount department stores, are now looking forward to City Council President J. “Ginger” Busby's announcement that Chick-fil-A cashier Ernestine Goodford will very soon buy a back-up generator from Lowe's.
Friday, June 6, 2008
"Our portrayal in this movie is an outrage," Thuggee leader Rola Mam explained during a press conference held today in Pankot Palace. "We are simple folk, eeking out a living by befriending naive travellers and strangling them with our scarves. Even the thought of enslaving children to aid us in our quest for world domination is preposterous. May they all suffer the sleep of Kali Ma!"
Mam is considering pursuing legal action to put a halt to the film's rerelease, citing severe emotional and psychological trauma as well as loss of income as motivating factors. A statement from cult psychiatrist Mort Fishman reveals that Mam has been diagnosed with both clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. "He basically feels like the heart has been plucked from his very chest. Sure he'll take part in a dangerous mine car chase when the need arises, but the joy is gone."
Thursday, June 5, 2008
"I remember when catching on fire wasn't much more than a minor and temporary inconvenience," NFPA President and CEO James M. Shannon explained. "But lately it seems like a day doesn't go by that I don't see some poor bastard rolling around in flames and frankly it's about time we stepped up and tried to do something about it."
In addition to rising numbers of acute fire related conditions, chronic inflamedness related to stop, drop and roll resistant fire, or SDRRF, is also being seen more frequently according to fire epidemiologists like Blue Paulson. "Recent studies have revealed that about one out of every 450 people is chronically on fire. That's pretty scary."
The updated technique will continue to feature the familiar three initial steps, but includes a complicated fourth maneuver developed by a Blue-Ribbon Panel of fire safety experts and choreographers. The fourth step involves a series of jumps and twists, and culminates in a lengthy shimmy. The NFPA is planning to reveal the improved technique to the world during the upcoming Beijing summer olympics, where the American Men's 4 x 800 meter relay team will complete while entirely engulfed in flames.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Savannah,Georgia- Classmates of Becky Belval were shocked this morning when the previously awkward and unpopular Chess Club president arrived, having become the most beautiful girl in the school and now certain to win the Homecoming Queen election in which she had been entered as a joke.
"This whole year I've had this crush on Brad, the arrogant captain of the football team, but I've been shy and he hasn't noticed me," the now radiant Belval explained. "But now I've realized that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, or how popular you are. All that really matters is what's on the inside."
After the intial wave of excitement set off by Ms. Belval's transformation into a super sexy and confident vision of beauty by simply removing her glasses and letting her hair down, senior Brad Remington remarked "Dude, I'm totally going to nail that chick at prom! Unless the goofy nerd that's been in love with her since they were kids figures out some way to foil my plan."
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
"Once negotiations fell apart, and non-lethal methods of dispersing the crowd of suspicious marsupials met with considerable resistance, we had no choice but to unleash hell," General Zane Yabsley, Chief of the Anti-Kangaroo Defense Force, explained. "If only we had realized earlier the folly of engaging the vicious macropods in close quarters combat, we could have avoided the loss of so many young lives in the ensuing melee."
One of the least among the combatants would become the true hero of the battle when Private Fred "Digger" Macpherson discovered the kangaroos' weakness against military artillery. "When I noticed that a well placed M107 155mm high explosive shell from one of the M198 Howitzers would take out every one of the hopping bastards in a 50 meter radius, I knew that the day would be ours despite their superior boxing skills."
Monday, June 2, 2008
The study, published today in the Journal of the Medical-Industrial Complex (JMIC), evaluated randomly chosen organic cloth diapers being worn by infants in Franklin's Cool Springs Galleria, and concluded that "the observation of fecal matter, and the presence of fecal microorganisms, in significant numbers of the organic cloth diapers studied was unexpected, and lends support to claims by some experts that these products are not safe for use by human infants."
"The numbers speak for themselves," principle investigator Juanita Gomstock explained. "And it isn't just fecal material. We found yeast, fungi and large amounts of urea as well, so I can't in good faith support the use of organic cloth diapers. I just can't."
Friday, May 30, 2008
"I don't know if I'm going to survive the Summer," specialized contractor Deet Mortenson explains. "If someone had told me ten years ago that the demand for panda bones would sink to such low levels, I would have laughed in their stupid hippy faces."
If current trends continue, experts like Mortenson believe that the housing industry will see more builders setting classic materials aside in favor of green alternatives like bamboo, cork, and sunflower seed husks. "I predict that the days of average red-blooded americans being able to count on sturdy houses made out of black rhino horn and bald eagle heads are numbered thanks to those liberal fatcats!"
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"Princess Leonora, wielder of the mystical scepter of power and the source of all beauty and love in our great kingdom of Gumdrop Island, has some rough months ahead of her," palace physician Mort Fishman explained during a press conference held today in the Royal Hall of Eternal Happiness. "True love's kiss or no true love's kiss, her muscles have wasted considerably and there are significant contractions of her extremities. She may not have the strength to feed herself for weeks, let alone to walk or to reunite the three segments of the Fairy's Crystal for the Festival of Unity."
Fishman went on to discuss the need for Princess Leonora to continue to receive nutrition via a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tube until her strength returns, as well as for round-the-clock care of her Stage IV pressure ulcers. "How much function she will eventually regain is anyone's guess. One thing is for certain, however. Prince Charming over there is going to need to learn how to do an "in and out" catheterization."
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
"There isn't a big focus on autism in the medical field right now," McCarthy explained during a Talk About Curing Autism (TACA) gathering today. "It is up to us, the mother warriors, to fight for the health of our children and this new system is the perfect way for busy shoppers to reduce any unnecessary risk of their children developing autism!"
Beginning next month, the 5-star Autism Risk Assessment Score (ARAS) will be seen on products ranging from toothpaste to talcum powder, as well as on individual and combination vaccines, making comparison shopping for autism conscious buyers and healthcare consumers, like architect and mother of three Brenda Kern, possible for the first time. "Finally I can work autism avoidance into my hectic daily schedule without all of the hours of research on google or asking our pediatrician!"
For a malady so complex, the rating system is suprisingly easy to master according to McCarthy, who nearly graduated from Southern Illinois University. "If you see five stars on a Chinese made teething ring or a vaccine insert, it causes autism plain and simple. Five stars means that the overwhelming weight of the scientific evidence falls on the side of it directly leading to autism with perhaps only a few minor holdouts, like the CDC or the FDA, remaining in disagreement."
McCarthy adds that a one star rating, which means that a product has not been shown to cause autism, isn't written in stone. "Just because we don't think it causes autism now, doesn't mean that we won't decide that it does at some point in the future. That's how science works."
Friday, May 23, 2008
"This is a complete departure from what consumers have come to expect from the iPod line of products," Jobs explained. "I have a pretty good feeling that the Neuro is going to sell big, and that it is going to serve as a catalyst for bigger and better things for Apple."
Hooked directly into the buyers neuroendocrine system, the iPod Neuro is designed to integrate itself fully into its host, eventually assuming control of a significant number of organ systems and their functions. This biological interface will allow almost instantaneous control over the Neuro's functions without the need to fumble with clumsy scroll wheels. Some concerns emerging from the Spring trade shows, however, are the price, coming in at just under $800, the tendency of users to suffer spontaneous and seemingly random episodes of bowel and bladder evacuation, and the leaked Apple memo revealing plans to create an army of cyborg early adopters.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Napa Valley-While visiting the Flora Springs Winery today, Dale Southerland, a 40-year-old accountant from Van Nuys, noted 27 distinct flavors in the 2006 Barrel Fermented Chardonnay.
"Sure, we've had people note ten, maybe fifteen flavors, describe the aroma a little bit and comment on the finish, but this is just incredible," Winemaker Ken Deis explained. "Nobody has taken it to this level before. It's just a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are much better at this than others. And Dale is just a really impressive guy. We are all just very impressed."
Mr. Southerland, who noted a hint of gooseberry and autumn leaves as the 26th and 27th flavors, thinks that there may be even more subtle flavors in the wine but he would need more time to sort them out. "I'm not entirely sure, but right at the end I almost think I noted just a splash of black currant with bing cherry undertones. And, could it be? Yes, it is. Just a trace of squirrel's feet and chalkboard erasers. Sublime."
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Washington, DC-Despite nearly complete bipartisan support for the effort, the United States House of Representatives ended its weeklong attempt to reanimate the corpse of singer and Academy-Award-winning actor Frank Sinatra today, instead settling on a resolution naming May 13th as Frank Sinatra Day.
"Sure I'm disappointed," Rep. Jose Serrano(D-NY), sponsor of the resolution and Level 3 Necromancer, explained. "I think we all would have liked for things to have gone differently, and you have no idea how hard it was to get the corpse past security. But at least the resolution passed."
From the beginning, the ill-conceived ritual to retrieve the "Chairman of the Board" from the land of the dead, or at least convert his lifeless body into some kind of crooning zombie, met with its share of criticism. Leading the backlash was Mike Pence, a conservative Republican out of Indiana. "Look, I'd like to have a resurrected Ol' Blue Eyes stumbling around here singing classics like "Softly as I Leave You" and "My Way" as much as the next guy. Hell, I'd love to have the entire Rat Pack shuffling around Capitol Hill just singing and dancing, and eating brains, but apparantly those bozos didn't learn anything from the Elvis fiasco. Some things should just stay dead. Sometimes dead is better."
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Papua-A group of Christian missionaries bringing the teachings of the Bible to the Korowai people of southeastern Papua, a province of Indonesia located on a large island north of Australia, were shocked to discover this morning that several of their members were eaten during the night.
"This is the third time this month too," John Yeardly of the Mormon Church Missionary Explorers for Christ, or MEC, explained. "I don't understand what this is about to be honest. I mean we came here, covered their nakedness, taught them shame, showed them the path to eternal salvation. Come on, we brought chocolate for Christ's sake!"
When approached for comment, village Chieftain Anduop Bailom stated, "I really liked those guys too. Steve was like my best bud. And chocolate. Can I just say, wow! But eating people is kind of our thing here. Frankly it's all we know."
Monday, May 19, 2008
"The new film is going to cover some pretty toxic topics," the Academy Award-winning documentarian explained. "It's something I shouldn't make, something that is dangerous, but there are things about this president that people need to know and, well, frankly they are going to be shocked."
An inside source at the White House has confirmed that high ranking officials are aware of the new film and its content but states that as of right now, plans to continue providing a standard American diet to Moore are thought to be an adequate means of silencing him. But in the event that Moore should survive long enough for the film to enter production, the government is prepared to release new dietary guidelines, effectively tripling the daily requirement of beef drippings.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Chicago, IL-To the delight of friends and family, area woman Claire Petrie shocked her doctors at Chicago's St. God Medical Hospital today when she awoke from the comatose state she had been in since a 2005 automobile accident.
"I can't believe they cancelled Gilmore Girls," Petrie revealed. "Did Luke and Lorelai stay together? Wait, don't tell me!"
Neurologist Sam Gillford, though pleased with Ms. Petrie's sudden return to conciousness, is concerned that she will be distracted from the long and difficult rehabilitation ahead. "Look, if I were in her shoes I'd probably be going throught the same emotional roller coaster. I mean, she has a lot to get through in the coming weeks. Luke and Lorelai split up. Lane becomes pregnant, and with twins! And don't even get me started on the whole Rory and Logan debacle. I just don't see why those two couldn't work things out, you know."
Saturday, May 17, 2008
"What really concerns me is that it goes completely against everything we thought we knew," cosmetologist Scott Riddlemark explained during a press conference held in the shampoo lab at the Tennesse School of Beauty, the planned future site for a Generation II Super Large Hadron Collider. "I've spent the past 6-months studying hairstyling, skin care, cosmetics, manicures, pedicures, and even electrology, with an additional 30 hours of online research in Seasonal Color Analysis, and I have never encountered a pulsar in anything but a perfectly circular orbit."
As the dust slowly settles, theories are beginning to emerge that may answer the questions raised by this suprising discovery and advance our understanding of the universe considerably. Riddlemark, a master stylist with an advanced degree in theoretical cosmetology, believes that it all boils down to split ends. "If reality is composed of hairs 10−20 times the diameter of a proton, each vibrating at unique resonant frequencies and collectively determining the different fundamental forces of nature, perhaps some events can be explained by the stripping away of a hairs protective quantum cuticle thus resulting in a cosmic split end."
Friday, May 16, 2008
"Injuries like this are pretty unusual during morning playtime activities," Donna Krebs, an assistant teacher at Children First, explained. "We haven't had to break out the sodium pentobarbital in weeks."
As news of the toddler's euthanasia is spreading around the tightknit community of just over 3,000, the townspeople have begun to voice their concerns. Tip Armstrong, a veteran bagger at the nearby Food Cow Mini Market, questions whether injuries like this are really as isolated as official records show. "It's that damn playground surface. Ain't no young kids should be running around on asphalt in this day and age. Those little ankles snap like Chinese toothpicks!"
Mayor Tom Chesterton is placing blame on local parents, who for years have been breeding toddlers for speed and thin bones, which has resulted in a steady increase in both sprains and strains. "Every year it seems like these youngins are getting skinnier and more fragile, and somebody ought to do something about it."
Timmy Dean's mother, also an assistant teacher at Children First, has come to terms with the loss of her son. "Sure I miss my boy, but I don't see how we had any choice. Toddlers live for running around and gettin into things, and a sprain like that'd take weeks to heal."
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
"A number of strategies to improve compliance among teens were devised by our team and have been studied for effectiveness over the last decade," Dickey Mopper MD, a researcher for the University of Alaska Fairbanks Adolescent Mind Research Institute explained. "The study, which involves the initiation of a randomly assigned compliance improvement program at age 13-years, is the first of its kind."
At first the team's methods, which include texting reminders, point-reward systems, peer pressure from more popular older patients, threatening corporal punishment and ankle bracelets that administer an incapacitating electric shock, failed miserably. It wasn't until they took into account the turbulent nature of the adolescent mind that they began to first see the inklings of success. And though the waters our slightly less murky, discovery of any definitive solutions is still likely years away.
Mopper and his team began to see a pattern emerge as the program followed the teenage subjects. The researchers saw a slow but steady improvement in one subset of patients and they became increasingly confident that the first step to understanding poor compliance had finally been revealed. "Regardless of the assigned method, a positive correlation between time and compliance emerged, particularly once subjects were enrolled for greater than 5 years. The next step is to now go and try to figure out what makes this subset of subjects respond to compliance improvement programs while newer subjects do not."
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
"I just can't believe it," the visibly shaken Lamont explained to the large crowd of fellow reporters and station crew members that had gathered to watch history in the making. "I've really got to give a lot of the credit to the boys in editing for this one."
Beginning with Lamont's opening statement describing the local parents' horror upon discovering the true nature of their young child's unsettling condition, an image of the boy smiling and wearing a comical oversized baseball cap spiraled into focus. The same image, which was the only picture able to be obtained by the station, was repeatedly shown using a dizzying array of entry effects, some of which had never been seen on a television news report. All in all, well over 100 entry effects were utilized for the 10-minute segment.
"We've all seen images fade, fly, and stretch into the background during television news reports before," media historian Reginald Boom revealed. "But the bar has been set very high with Ms. Lamonts effort today. I was especially impressed when the picture of the diseased child leapfrogged over the image of a bloated intestinal parasite and into an open grave."
Monday, May 12, 2008
Gilead, Nebraska-Angela Purdy, a field reporter for Gilead's Channel 7 News, expressed concern today while interviewing local woman Lois Simpson amidst the smoldering wreckage of her husband's 2000 Honda Accord.
As the charred remains of Simpson's husband and three children were put in bags in preperation for transport to the Gilead morgue, Purdy explained to the sobbing widow how tragic the situation was and asked if she had begun the painful process of coming to terms with the loss of her family.
"What a horrible tragedy, I mean, losing your entire family like that," Purdy explained to the ashen-faced Simpson. "Please tell us, how are you feeling? Are you sad? You must be very, very sad right now. Could you tell us what is going through your head right now? It's sadness right?"
Purdy, a 10-year veteran of the station, has encountered enough pain and misery while reporting the news to know how to handle interviews involving such a sensitive subject. "I felt it was my duty as a journalist to make certain that she was aware of how utterly wretched she should have been feeling, and to help her achieve closure." Thanks to the deftly handled interview, Channel 7 viewers were able to take comfort in the fact that Ms. Simpson was despondent about the whole situation and just wanted to be left alone.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Teachers May Be Worried About Your Child Part I: Your Child has a Fever
by Zoo Knudsen
Recent studies have shown that a daycare teacher becomes worried about a child every 7 seconds in this country, but often this concern goes unreported until the parent arrives to pick the child up at the end of the day. In fact, nearly 70% of episodes of Concerned Daycare Teacher (CDT) exist for greater than 5 hours prior to parental notification. So why are so many daycare teachers concerned? One of the most common reasons cited in surveys regarding cases of CDT are fevers.
The established scientific consensus on fever, which is when a child's body temperature rises above 99 degrees or when the child feels kind of hot, is that it is very, very dangerous. It has been linked in studies to a variety of concerning conditions such as meanness, teething, and ear infections, as well as blindness, baby rage and brain damage, and it should prompt an immediate parental notification. Luckily, most daycares have emergency fever protocols in place.
"We take every case of CDT seriously, but the minute that one of our teachers detects a fever in a child, or feels that the child might be feverish, the wheels of our fever containment plan go into motion," Victoria Sanchez, School Director at Penrose Institution for Toddlers, explains. "We run so many fever drills that it really is like we are on autopilot when a real fever emergency occurs. Parents are usually aware of the fever and on their way to remove the infectious child within 5 minutes."
But what do daycares do when the parent is unable to rapidly retrieve the infected infant or toddler? Most facilities are prepared for this eventuality. "We have a number of options, depending on the age of the child," Sanchez reveals. "Older children can be placed into the sterile containment unit which we maintain in our basement, where they can color and read while waiting for their caregiver to arrive. Babies are submerged in disinfectant and then placed gently in a closet." Sanchez adds that parents are charged a dollar for every minute it takes for them to arrive.
Experts recomend keeping any child with fever at home in order to avoid spreading their disgusting disease to other children. They especially warn parents to avoid premedicating children with tylenol and ibuprofen in order to prevent fever and thus avoid the need to waste a day of paid time off. They add that it works, and quite well, however it isn't very nice.
Coming soon: Teachers May Be Worried About Your Child Part 2: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Thursday, May 8, 2008
"We would like to take this opportunity to honor the hardworking men and women who have chosen to dedicate their lives to nursing," hospital chief of staff Steve Atkins, MD explained in the announcement. "It is because of them that Boothbay Downtown Medical Hospital is widely regarded as the best non-veterinary Hospital in Boothbay, and I can think of no better way to express our gratitude! In addition, I would like to caution anyone entering the dialysis unit that there has been a muskrat sighting."
Kim Juban, a nurse in Boothbay Downtown Medical Hospital's 8-bed pediatric ward who has been at the hospital for nearly a decade, was impressed with the gesture. "Yeah, this is great I guess. Usually I'd have to go to the gift shop in the basement to see this stuff. It's so nice and shiny up here under the lights." Juban would go on to purchas a three dollar pair of gold colored hoop earrings which she plans to put on her 6-week-old daughter tonight after CPS is done checking everything out at the house.
In addition to the jewelry sale, the hospital held a discount luncheon in the hospital cafeteria where nurses showing proper identification received a complementary piece of cake and free drink refills. Steven King, owner of a local Enema Hut medical supply store and namesake of the recently constructed third floor smoking lounge, was the keynote speaker. Plans to end the day with a fireworks extravaganza were unfortunately cancelled when the fireworks were reported missing. Boothbay Animal Hospital, located across the street, did however put on a beautiful display that evening.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Lafayette, LA-Despite all of her expertise in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3 month old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family picture.
"I don't know what happened in there," Milton explained. "The baby wasn't responding to anything, not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"
After a thorough investigation by store management, it will be decided what the most appropriate course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."
Monday, May 5, 2008
"I truly believe in the importance of obtaining an education," the 34-year-old singer of such hits as "Politically Uncorrect" and "He Ain't Even Cold Yet" explained. "And as my daughter grows up, I want her to be able to look at me as an example of how a little hard work and academic discipline can really take you places."
Wilson also plans on using the knowledge she has gained through preparing for the GED exam to take her music to new heights. She went on to reveal that "My newfound understanding of the natural laws of the universe has opened my eyes to a world of possibilities that I never knew existed before, and I can't help but allow my recent intellectual achievements to influence my writing."
Knudsen's News has obtained exclusive information on Wilson's upcoming fourth album, including a list of the songs recorded so far:
1. "You Control-Alt-Deleted My Heart"
2. "You've Caught My Eye For Now, But You Can't Know Where It's Wanderin' (The Uncertainty Principle Song)"
3. "I Selected Your Love, Naturally"
4. "Our Family's Group Velocity Exceeds the Speed of Love"
5. "Ain't Nuthin' Cuter Than an Obese Rural Neonate Ingestin' Prunus persica Off a Hardwood Floor"
Friday, May 2, 2008
After compiling data from nationwide telephone surveys of almost twenty thousand men, and follow-up examination and testing at participating centers across the country, researchers found that a suprising variety of male phenotypes have been affected. "We found surgeons and investment bankers as often as we found bartenders and personal trainers," lead researcher Frank Plemmons explained. "Some commonalities did emerge however, such as tribal or barbwire armband tattoos."
According to the study, the majority of individuals found to have had their penis shrunken or stolen expressed shock and, in a suprising twist, relief. "I can't imagine why they would single me out as a target of their evil black magic," Chicago financial advisor and penis theft victim Huntington Riegel Stockton Heatherly III revealed. "I've never even been to Africa. But I'm just happy to finally have some answers. Now the healing can begin."
Not every victim of the recent wave of witchcraft related phallus snatching is as positive about the experience however. New York bartender and aspiring actor Brody (no last name given), like many others, has been unable to come to terms with the loss. "They're just jealous man. Jealous of how I nearly hook up with so many hot chicks almost half the time. I need a Red Bull and Grey Goose before I hit the tanning beds!"
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
"I just don't know what to say other than I waited about two seconds to call once I got their letter in the mail," McCarthy, who is the current spokesperson for Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), explained. "It's a really big honor to be recognized by my peers like this, and I hope that this proof of my credibility will allow me to reach even more parents with my message of healing autism."
Claire Olson, an inbound telemarketing representative for Who's Who Among Autism Researchers publisher Steve's Publications, felt "honored to include the current inhabitants of [address removed] in our directory and to accept their payment of $799.99 for the Platinum Level membership, which is a lifetime membership that provides an additional free copy of the publication as well as permission to list the honor on resumes and CVs for a reduced membership price."
Monday, April 28, 2008
"Our film starts by exposing the weaknesses inherent in Darwinism, weaknesses that have never been addressed by Darwinists such as the lack of videotape evidence of speciation occuring in real-time," director Nirk Davenport explains. "We go on to show that the blueprint for what has become reality television is rooted in Darwinism and one need look no further than shows like Flavor of Love and Farmer Needs a Wife to see how Darwinsim is wearing away the moral foundation of our society."
The makers of the film further contend that "Big Reality" suppresses criticism and claim that writers who believe that there might be a place for "Intelligent Scripting" in the reality genre are being persecuted for these beliefs. "If a writer approaches a network about a scripted reality program, where everything is created and planned beforehand with the outcomes already known, those executives are going to say that they don't belong in the reality television business," host Wallace Shawn reveals. "This is America right?"
The producers and writers of the film, as well as Davenport and Wallace, recently held an invitation only discussion amongst themselves over the content of the film that was open to select members of the press who had passed a background check and polygraph testing. Their conclusion was that the film is valid and beyond reproach. The film was funded with taxpayer dollars through the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives and viewing has been declared mandatory under penalty of treason.
Critics of the film, all Darwin worshipping atheist supporters of reality television programs like Moment of Truth and Temptation Island, have already made efforts to suppress the ideas put forth in the new documentary. One covert operation involving a number of Darwinists, disguised as moral United States citizens, was foiled by a gaurd cleverly placed outside of the theater to check IDs against a guest list obtained from the online forms used to sign up for the free public screening. Tactics such as this have so far assured that all persons holding opinions contrary to those espoused in the film have been kept from unfairly distracting potential moviegoers.
Friday, April 25, 2008
"We have no other recourse but to wait this thing out," Stringer explains. "I mean, if Woody Harrelson's word that Snipes has led an exemplary life and doesn't deserve hard time isn't enough for the judge then there isn't any hope left."
Longtime fans of the popular 1970's sitcom, which delighted the nation with the comic adventures of Roger "Raj" Thomas, Dwayne "Hey, Hey, Hey!" Nelson and Freddy "Rerun" Stubbs, have been holding prayer vigils and picket signs outside of the courthouse ever since Snipes' February 1st conviction. The numbers had begun to dwindle somewhat, but protesters were in full force at the Thursday sentencing with estimates of a crowd of nearly 5 participants.
Snipes, who has starred in such big-budget Hollywood movies as Major League, Blade and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, is slated to fill the role of Raj. Actor Anthony Anderson will be playing the coveted role of Rerun and, in a suprising move that is as of yet unsubstantiated by Sony, comedian Dane Cook is on board as Dwayne. The plot, so far kept secret by Sony, is rumored to be based on a combination of several of the show's classic episodes, but will also involve a dramatic sci-fi element with Shirley, the wise-cracking waitress at "Rob's Place", who will be portrayed by academy award winning actress Halle Berry, uncovering a vast government conspiracy regarding alien technology buried somewhere in the Mojave desert.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"We don't know how bad this is going to be yet because we only just discovered the sad reality that such low numbers of babies are being taught sign language," Dr. David Tayloe, president-elect of the American Academy of Pediatrics explains. "But it is clear that there are going to be a lot of stupid babies out there. And I mean really stupid babies."
Fighting to stem the rising tide of infant stupidity for over 20 years, the team that developed the Little Hands Program, the world's leading sign language program for infants, claims to offer the only program created by child development experts specifically for babies. Dr. Sharon Williams, co-inventor of Little Hands, reveals that "Our program is designed for all kinds of babies. Fussy babies. Stinky babies. Mean babies. And yes, stupid babies. It is especially designed for stupid babies."
Joan Renolds, a stay-at-home mother of 3-month old twins Jayden and Jalen, is convinced of the benefit of infant sign language classes. "If not for the Little Hands Program, how else would I know that my boys only want organic lactose free vanilla flavored soy based formula and to not be vaccinated?"
Monday, April 21, 2008
"Everyone knows that the best meals are prepared with a little love," agronomist Norman Borlaug explains. "With use of the most advanced equipment by the world's leading scientific minds, we may soon live in a world where all recipes, from apple pie to rhubarb cobbler to peach fritters, contain nearly 30% more love than in years past."
But not everyone believes that the introduction of genetically modified crops into the food supply, even with higher levels of love, to be a good idea. Auntie Gladys McCorkle of Verdon, Nebraska, winner of the Richardson County Bake-Off three years running, has begun a letter writing campaign to put an end to the practice. "It isn't right messin' with nature like that. You just can't go foolin' with the natural order of things without brewin' up a mighty mess of trouble. Trouble like increased rates of cancer and other degenerative ailments, the breeding of superviruses with near human intelligence, and more children born with cabbage heads!"
Friday, April 18, 2008
Disney World Provides a Magical Opportunity for People of Various Cultures to Come Together
By Amy Jones
I will never forget my magical journey to Disney World. From the moment I arrived, my education began as the wonders of the world were opened up to me. I was able to experience the coming together of people from across the globe and my curiousity for adventure and discovery was met without even the need to cross an ocean.
Only at Disney World, where dreams truly do come true, can a simple southern girl from Memphis come to see the wonders of the diverse customs and characters of different countries and cultures from around the world. At Disney's amazing Epcot World Showcase, I travelled from country to country, soaking in every ounce of their unique cultural experiences. And did you know that the shops and restaurants are staffed by actual citizens of each country? Those accents aren't fake because they are the real deal!
But at Disney World, it isn't just about the staff and attractions. My fellow visitors hailed from around the world as well. Just people-watching in the lobby of my hotel taught me more about the ways of the world than any college course. If the spirit of mutual respect and admiration infused in every nook and cranny of Disney World is any indication, then there is hope for all people to one day join together in peace and harmony.
I'm Not Mulan!
By Nancy Chien
I'm not Mulan! For the love of god please stop asking for my autograph. Do I look like a Disney Princess? Can I please just eat my giant soft pretzel in peace?
Oh my god! Seriously people! I've never even been to China. I was born in Chicago. I've never even seen the movie!
I realize you want to get autographs for your kids. But didn't the fact that there wasn't a line and a 90-minute wait to approach my table seem a little odd? No? Fine, just give me the damn book! Who do I make this out to?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
"These other bobbleheads cannot be called ‘bobbleheads’ in the proper sense,” current Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, His Most Illustrious and Reverend Eminence William Joseph Cardinal Levada S.T.D. explained. "This is not to say that, despite their obvious defects, the Spirit of Christ has refrained from using them as instruments of zany fun. Yet they lack the fullness of grace and of truth which has been entrusted to the Catholic Church."
The Holy See has also declared that unapproved Papal travel mugs, though perfectly capable of transporting hot liquids, will open the gates of oblivion which gaurd the pathway to eternal torment in the fiery lakes of Hell.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Today, thanks to the wonders of methodological naturalism, we live in a world where the raw and bloody face associated with using razors with only one or two blades is a long forgotten memory. In fact, pioneering companies like Gillette, who have continually pushed the envelope beyond what would seem decent and ethical, in essence playing God with our very faces, have achieved the impossible not only in harnassing the mighty power of 5 blades but also battery powered microchip guided micropulses. Thus, a man might live his entire life never needing endure the horrors of razor burn or embarassing afternoon stubble. But some researchers, concerned about the potential global impact of even more advanced shaving devices in the pipeline, are beginning to question this seemingly wreckless drive for closer and closer shaves.
"It isn't right and somebody needs to put a stop to it," nuclear safety officer Walter Wagner explains. "Right now the only thing standing between the consumer and total facial annihilation is my tireless effort in the courts."
What Wagner is referring to is the latest advancement in shaving technology, only recently revealed by Proctor and Gamble, owners of the Gillette name. According to company spokesperson Lance Pearsall, "We considered a sixth blade. We considered a softer grip. These things would have certainly revolutionized shaving but they pale in comparison to the Gillette Cosmos. It's really gonna knock your socks off."
Due to hit store shelves next month, the Gillette Cosmos makes use of the latest advances in particle physics in their patented Quantaglide technology, which actually coats each of the razors 5 blades with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. When exposed to this technology, even the toughest beards are gently lifted away from the face allowing the hairs to come into contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction then ensues, utterly destroying the hair.
Not satisfied with reassurances from Gillette, Wagner is asking for the courts to intervene. "We are requesting a few months to investigate and to better understand the risk involved," he reveals. "Black holes and strangelets that close to the face may have some pretty nasty consequences. The attractive and destructive powers of these forces of nature may at best only bring about the end of goatees, soul patches and fu manchus, and at worst leave a trail of bloody headless corpses in their wake!"
Friday, April 11, 2008
The act of upturning the collar of tennis shirts, first initiated in the late 1920's as a means of protecting one's neck from the heat of the sun during athletic activity, has over the years come and gone as a non-sport related fashion trend. Recently it has experienced a spike in popularity, particularly amongst douchebags and other related taxonomic classifications of humans. But the typical collar popper has, until now, been considerably younger than Milloy and experts are baffled.
"I think about popping my collar every single day," Milloy explained. "So far I haven't done it, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to soon. I already have a sense of smug self-satisfaction and the firm belief that I am better than other people, so naturally the collar is going to come up eventually."
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
"The early data is concerning," lead researcher Bryan Mintz explains. "Initial animal data shows a pretty solid link between pixie dust and a highly malignant and rapidly fatal form of lung cancer. This particular cancer, dubbed imaginothelioma, seemed to appear out of nowhere in 1955, when the first case showed up in Anaheim. If this bears out, we will have a real crisis on our hands because that stuff is everywhere around here."
Walt Disney Company executives are taking the situation seriously, but are cautioning against panic. Disney icon Mickey Mouse, in a press conference held today on the third floor of the Haunted Mansion, announced that "everything that can be done to better understand this alleged link is being done. In the meantime, all the patients are enjoying the magic and wonder of Disney at our Disney Princess Cancer Hospital for Customers."
Patient care, which runs daily from 9am until 7pm except for Saturdays when evening Extra Therapy Hours are in effect until 11pm, is covered by the Deluxe Treatment Plan with each round of chemotherapy or radiation counting as 1 bedside service. Because of popularity of the hospital, wait times for patients taking part have run as high as 90 minutes at hospital attractions such as Goofy's Phlebotomy Playhouse and the Lilo and Stitch Chemotherapy Hut. Always striving to pack as much entertainment as possible into every encounter, Disney is planning a reservation only fireworks extravaganza to be held on tuesdays and thursdays in the hospital courtyard for a minimal fee.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Coming in as the unsexiest organ this year according to the team of scientists at Maxim Science, the "spleen is the least sexy organ in a group of very unsexy organs." They reveal that the unfashionable and hopelessly unhip mass of lymphoid tissue is pivotal in cleaning up old or diseased red blood cells and plays a key role in the immune system's ability to protect the body from microbial predators. But, says Yale anatomist and Maxim Science consultant Sam McCluggage, the spleen is "so last decade it's not even funny!"
As word of the list has made its way around the scientific community over the past few weeks, defenders of the maligned organ, present in the abdominal cavity of most humans and many animal species, have been speaking out. Carmen Electra, an American actress and part-time faculty member of University of California at Irvine's Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy department who lost her spleen in a tragic encounter with a wheat thresher as a young child growing up in a Latvian farming community, has expressed outrage over the magazine's list and concern over the potential negative health consequences.
"Does the spleen fit some ideals and standards of some researchers writing in a men's science magazines? Maybe not," the star of 2006's hit film Hot Tamale explained. "Is it really the unsexiest organ in the world? Wow! It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. I can't help but worry what may happen if people begin to neglect their spleen health in favor of focusing on more glamorous but less important organs."
The listing of the world's unsexiest organs comes on the heels of the science magazine's recent unveiling of their annual sexiest organ rundown. Not suprising to many experts, and longtime readers, repeating with top honors was the vagina, followed by the breasts. Making the list for the first time this year, the gallbladder came in third.
Monday, March 31, 2008
"My work conclusively supports the hypothesis that early sexual debut, which is the initiation of sexual activity at an age less than 15 years, is associated with increased popularity and a higher likelihood of being invited to Senior Prom," Eversoll explained.
The results, though scoffed at by both the faculty, and members of the Chess, Audio/Visual, and MMORPG clubs, has already led to unprecedented interest in science amongst student populations not typically involved in the subject. Sophomore Matt McCowen, second-string tight end for the Shady Acres Mighty Sasquatch, is excited about his plans to replicate Eversoll's study. "Science is about the process, not the conclusion. I plan on following Clancy's methodology exactly and I'll accept the outcome whatever it is. And if that outcome helps me doink some freshman girls then I'm pretty much okay with that."
Friday, March 28, 2008
The Mayan Calendar, considered by many to predict the end of the world on December 21, 2012, is well known for the sometimes controversial images chosen to represent various calendric cycles. As of late, the calendar has shifted towards more acceptable pictures, ranging from babies sitting in flower pots and other containers to anthropomorphized animals. The calendar has certainly come a long way considering that just 1500 years ago it was common to find depictions of human sacrifices and horrifying drawings of the Mayan gods of death and putrefaction.
"I couldn't be prouder of the accomplishments of my team," archaeologist and lead researcher Dirk Fletcher explained. "The cat is just adorable, and it's something that everyone can relate to because we've all had days like that, you know. I can't imagine a better image to represent the horrendously violent and bloody destruction of all humanity."
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Declining Quality of Drug Company Sponsored Dinners is Really Pissing Me Off
By Chevy Newbank MD
West Jefferson Medical Center
Is it just me, or are drug companies phoning it in these days? I remember just a few years ago when, in exchange for my presence at a discussion of a new or existing pharmaceutical agent, I could expect a gourmet meal with expertly chosen wine at a fine restaurant. Now I'm happy to get a dry steak and a glass of lifeless and thoroughly corked 2002 Renwood Grandmère Zinfandel at the local Ruth's Chris. It's not just me, right?As a physician, I have spent years honing my skills as a healer. I have cultivated my natural innate ability to comprehend complex historical information, assimilating sometimes subtle physical exam findings, and translating that into effective patient care. My time is important to me, and it's important to my patients. Is it really too much to ask for a chill-filtered 21-year-old Northern Highlands single malt scotch to complement my 20-ounce ultra-tender Kobe beef burger with exotic mushrooms and microgreens. No, it isn't. Or at least it shouldn't be.
I realize that the issue of accepting meals from pharmaceutical representatives is a controversial issue. But not if you really think about it. I make a living handling complex social situations. Dealing with people has always been easy for me. Other physicians may be swayed by free lunches, note pads, and trips to exotic locales, but my noble spirit remains untarnished and free, free to enjoy my crème brûlée of foie gras with tonga beans and imperial gingerbread pyramid with caramel and salted butter ice-cream without altering my presciption patterns.
Do You Have Any Food To Spare?
I have travelled far from my village, on foot, to search for food. I happened upon the rotting carcass of a lion today, but the scavengers had picked it clean of meat. To think of the many days it might have provided sustenance for my family is almost too much to bear.
Anything you might be able to provide would be fine. I have so little strength left. Perhaps a morsel of your fine feast would allow me to continue my search for food and clean water for another day. I have never heard of foie gras. Is it some kind of plant? A grain that does not grow in my country? Might I try just a taste?
Monday, March 24, 2008
"Energy in the materialist paradigm is typically thought of as measurable with specific instruments, such as with heat, light, or cosmic radiation," head researcher Clemp O'Callahan, a mind-body healer with over 30-years of experience in energy, explained. "The subtle but powerful aura of energy surrounding each and every human being is equally real, though until now it has been largely ignored by closed-minded skeptics. But with the use of an advanced generation two Superconducting Quantum Interference Device, or SQUID, we have finally proven that our bodies are receiving stations for energy and also, and this is where our research focused, transmitters of this energy."
To the awe and delight of the crowd gathered to hear the team's presentation, a demonstration of the power of human energy involving the connecting of team member Phinneaus McClintock to a 2006 used Honda Insight, was run to illustrate the principles of transforming human energy into mechanical work. "It was amazing," excited bystander Geraldine McClintock revealed. "Everyone could just feel the increased raw power in the car when Phinny was hooked up to it. It sounded like it could drive for miles without any need for a carbon based power source."
Unfortunately, the demonstration was ended before a team of physicists from nearby St. Augustine Technical College could perform tests on the car. Health related concerns were to blame according to the team, which revealed that McClintock had suddenly begun to suffer from aura disturbances. "When I went from my usual orange-red to a dark brown, almost black, I knew I had to call it off." The team is postponing any further demonstrations in order to focus on fundraising.
Now that science has finally caught up with the potential of subtle human energy fields, something that has been well-established in the mind-body medicine community for centuries, the next step according to O'Callahan is translating the bench work into large-scale results. "If we are going to decrease our dependence on fossil fuels, we are going to need a lot of human energy."
O'Callahan and the team are considering a variety of options, ranging from portable devices designed to syphon energy on an individual basis for personal use to massive power plants where literally millions of humans are held against their will as their life energy is slowly drained. He admits that there are pros and cons to each approach. "With one, we may not end up being able to significantly decrease the global carbon footprint, and with the other, there are some potential issues regarding human rights violations."
Further complicating the problem is the need, if the team ends up going with the enslavement of a third of the human population as a clean energy source, to devise a means of meeting the psychological needs of the human batteries. "We're pretty sure they will need entertainment but are torn between plugging them into some kind of illusory simulated reality or just buying a bunch of Wiis."
Monday, March 17, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
"The average dairy cow expels anywhere from 26 to 132 gallons of methane per day," respected cryptozoologist Jay Helgenberger explained. "That's a lot of methane, about what a car produces in a day in fact. If you take into account the established fact that the average sasquatch weighs roughly 2,030 pounds, I don't think you need a plaster mold of that carbon footprint to see it's pretty impressive. And don't even get me started on Nessie!"
The panel of experts made their announcement after a full week of reviewing the cryptozoological literature pertaining to global warming, and watching a number of amateur videos of the phenomenon. "I don't think even the hardiest skeptic could maintain their denial after viewing eleven hours of grainy long distance footage of El Chupacabra clearing millions of acres of rainforest." revealed Helgenberger.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fear of corneal ulceration and eternal torment in a lake of fire got you down?
Redemption is finally at hand!
OPTI-WASH Redemption contact solution maintains a thin layer of righteous moisture on the surface of your lenses, so they feel fresh and moist for divine comfort throughout the day. And only new OPTI-WASH Redemption, with its complex blend of lubricants, moisturizers, preservatives, and holy water, washes away both lens debris and the day-to-day build up of sin.
When contact lenses are soaked in OPTI-WASH Redemption contact solution, the surface of the lens is reconditioned and blessed every night by adsorbing a proprietary reconditioning and sanctification system. This allows a layer of moisture from your natural tears to be formed on the lens surface, and for the accumulation of transgressions to easily rinse away .
OPTI-WASH Redemption incorporates new ingredients to a disinfection/purgation system that has been used for nearly 2,000 years. Alcon, in cooperation with the Catholic Church continues to develop biblically based technology to care for the new types of contact lenses available. This focus has allowed OPTI-WASH Redemption to continue to achieve a high level of disinfection against both bacteria, fungi, and iniquity.
Always use the contact solution prescribed by your eye doctor or priest. Ask your eye doctor or priest if OPTI-WASH Redemption is right for you. Remember, only your eye doctor or priest can determine the contact lens, solution, and reconciliation combination that is right for you.
*OPTI-WASH is a subsidiary of Globodyne Industries, a proud member of the medical-industrial complex. All hail Maximus VII!
Monday, March 10, 2008
"She kept asking how she looked, and if I thought that the dress was fancy enough for some stupid office party we were going to last night," Grimley explained. "I told her, like a million times, that she looked fine and all I kept thinking was how I was missing the Michigan State game and how fat she looked. I can't believe she heard me. I mean, she's got like bat ears or something. It's just uncanny. She's pretty pissed now but she'll hop back on board the Grimley express in no time."
When approached for comment, the visibly shaken Balhoff expressed remorse over the events. "I'm sorry for just wanting to look pretty for one night. I mean, is it too much to ask for a night out of the house where nobody farts or yells at their Playstation."
Update: According to sources inside the home, it has now been confirmed that Ms. Balhoff has reboarded the Grimley express.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Askimus Maximus: Advice for Daily Living from the Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex.....
(Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex and CEO of Globodyne Industries)
Don't worry, just Askimus Maximus. Maximus VII that is.
As the reigning Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, and CEO of Globodyne Industries, Maximus VII may not have all of the answers, but he can easily fund a study to find them. And whether you're wondering how to get that cute guy at work to notice you, or stressed about the encroachment of governmental regulatory agencies into your business, just Askimus Maximus.
Controlling the actions of every medical doctor in the United States isn't any easier today than when I first wrested control of the medical-industrial complex from Maximus VI nearly 100 years ago in a epic and bloody coup. And in order to maintain complete obedience from my medical and pharmaceutical minions, I've had to learn a few things about conflict management. It's like when someone discovered the cure for cancer in the oil gland secretions of the sasquatch back in 1958. What? You say the sasquatch doesn't really exist? It's a hoax? Exactly. And it took the near total extent of my power to ensure that peons like you think that.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
"Students rely on memory for a variety of school-related tasks, such as remembering things they have heard or read," lead researcher Heathcliff Barclay explained. "Intuitively we've always figured that memory played a role in academic success, but it's taken until now to prove it."
In order to test their theory, the team of scientists developed a cutting edge technique of mimicking the poor memory found naturally in some children, which is believed to be genetic in origin. Using functional MRI, neurosurgeons were able to remove varying amounts of the parts of the brain associated with memory from over 3,ooo children purchased from local families with grant money provided by Globodyne Industries. A direct correlation between the degree of brain reduction and difficulty remembering items from a list was revealed, and shown to be statistically significant.
"We hope that this study will lead to increased awareness and improved recognition of children with poor memory so that they can be properly contained and isolated from society," Barclay revealed. "Only then can these young boys and girls be properly prepared for their role as human cattle in Globodyne's apocalyptic vision of the future."
Monday, March 3, 2008
"It is frustrating knowing that every few weeks we have to completely rewrite our charts because somebody with a telescope in their backyard wanted to be famous," Intenational Society for Astrological Research spokesperson Warrick Gerges explained. "Every time a new comet, asteroid, or dwarf planet is discovered we have to start from scratch."
Astrologers aren't the only ones interested in curbing the seemingly unstoppable advance of our understanding of the universe and the cataloguing of astronomical objects. Newspaper editors spend many sleepless nights worrying over these discoveries. New York Times astrology editor Edward Wang has had to stop the presses several times because of newly found future altering entities. "What keeps me up at night is the fear that one day an edition of this paper is going to go out with readings based on old information. Eventually it's going to happen, and someone is going to end up getting hurt waiting for an exciting business opportunity or a compliment from a co-worker that isn't really going to come."
Friday, February 29, 2008
"We spent countless hours following the evolution of ass grooves left by thousands of children over the past decade," lead researcher Matt Simpson explained. "There is a pretty dramatic correlation between increasing obesity and couch indentations that are larger in both width and depth."
Critics of the study, such as outspoken obesity epidemic skeptic Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, are urging caution and warning that correlation does not necessarily equal causation. "The methodology in this study is so flawed it is impossible to tell if obesity leads to larger ass grooves or if the ass grooves are somehow an etiological factor in obesity."
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
"This is bad, just really bad," Cardinal Gary Castigliano explained. "There hasn't been a recall of this magnitude since 1583 when nearly a million souls were doomed to eternal torment in a lake of fire because of an improperly blessed batch."
The source of the contamination that has left thousands of churchgoers questioning the existence of a supreme being, and the legitimacy of church dogma, has been traced to the factories of Globodyne Industries. Globodyne has been working with the church to produce the recently unveiled probiotic holy water, which is claimed to strengthen the immune system and help regulate bowel function in addition to opening the door to salvation through baptism.
Church microbiologists have isolated the infectious organism Lactobacillus atheistophilus from cultures obtained at the production facility. Decontamination teams are performing a thorough exorcism/bleaching of the facility, and the Pope is asking that anyone with any doubts regarding their faith seek immediate assistance.