Thursday, January 31, 2008

Knudsen's History: January 31, 2008.....

On January 31st, in the year 1930, 3M began marketing Scotch Tape. The product, a transparant piece of cellophane with one side coated in a pressure sensitive adhesive, was invented by Richard G. Drew as a means of maintaining pacifier compliance in a newborn infants suffering from colic. The adhesive, though effective at keeping the pacifier in the child's mouth, is not so strong as to damage skin upon removal. In addition, the transparancy allowed for the visualization of the perioral skin should cyanosis from lack of oxygen occur.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

New Television Show Stirs Scientific Controversy.....

Chicago, IL- The upcoming premier episode of ABC Television's legal drama "Eli Stone", which is being purported by industry insiders to endorse a link between autism and childhood vaccinations, is stirring up a heated debate amongst scientists, doctors, and anti-vaccination proponents.

The episode features a lawyer, who may or may not be having prophetic visions, involved in a civil suit claiming that a child's autism resulted from the flu vaccine. He argues for the placement of blame to be on the vaccine manufacturer and wins, leading to a large cash award for the child's family and, on the other side of the fourth wall, an angry response from the medical community.

"Perpetuating the myth that vaccines cause autism is irresponsible at best," Emperor Maximus VII, supreme overlord of the alliance of the American Medical Association, Amercian Academy of Pediatrics, and the Pharmaceutical Industry, explained. "If parents watch this program and choose to deny their children the health benefits of routine immunizations, both the offices of the American Broadcasting Company and the streets of Disney World will run red with the blood of my enemies."

These blatant attempts at censorship by the American medical and pharmaceutical establishment aren't being taken lightly by journalist and First Amendment scholar David Kirby, who has fought for years to bring the truth of the connection between mercury from vaccines and autism to the public. "I'm not anti-vaccine. I think vaccines are great for some people in some cases, just not for people who don't want their children to get autism. And I've got a pile of press releases this high to back up my claims."

But what does John Q. Public think? How do regular folks, without the benefit of scientific, medical, or journalistic expertise in the etiology of autism feel about the controversial program. Area Jo-Ann Fabrics manager Stacy Harbst, along with many others, is relieved. "It's nice just to have more options. Working all day, and raising a family, doesn't allow a lot of time to educate myself on important topics like this. I don't know much about autism, or vaccines, but I am happy to know that in addition to Oprah and Parade Magazine, I can now obtain reputable science and health information from a prime time fictional television show."

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Number of Incontinent Teens Growing.....

Los Angeles, CA-With the increasing popularity of massive multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG) like World of Warcraft and EverQuest leading to adolescent gamers spending hours on end in front of the computer screen, doctors are seeing record numbers of both fecal and urinary incontinence in the 13-to-17 age group.

"Teens are showing up in physician's offices and emergency departments in droves," Dr. Ramona Bates M.D. explained. "These kids are spending upwards of ten consecutive hours playing these games while drinking large amounts of Red Bull and Jolt Cola, and they won't shut off the computer for anything, even near debilitating pain from bladder and bowel distention."

Doctors are placing the blame for the incontinence on the frequent episodes of significant bladder and rectum enlargement that results from purposefully withholding waste for such long periods of time. Bates, a pediatric gastrourologist at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, revealed that "after a point, the muscles and nerves involved are damaged beyond repair and the ability to control bowel and bladder function is forever lost."

But the spike in these cases has a silver lining for one company. "We've had some pretty amazing sales figures in the first few weeks after launching the product," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "Dependz Undergarmentz for Teens is the only protective underwear product on the market that targets this age group. They can hold up to two moderately sized voids or stools, can be pulled on and off like regular underwear, and come in a number of styles such as Harry Potter and Hannah Montana."

Monday, January 28, 2008

Author J.K. Rowling Stuns Fans with More Harry Potter Revelations.....

London-Perhaps encouraged by the generally positive response to her revelation that the beloved character Albus Dumbledore is gay, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling held an emergency press conference today in the parking lot of an Ian McKellen's Kebab and Beefburger Takeaway to courageously announce more stunning insights into the popular series.

Fans lined up for blocks for the opportunity to hear Rowling speak, many who braved the harsh weather to support the author's message of tolerance. "This is such a victory of homosexuality," outspoken gay and lesbian rights activist, and Stonewall member, Wendy Hong explained. "J.K. chose to out Dumbledore after several years of raking in massive amounts of money and fame from her fans, a significant portion of which would not have continued to read the books had they known he was gay, and despite a complete lack of anything even remotely homosexual about the character. That is the definition of courage in my book."

As feared by American Christian fundamentalists, since the knowledge of Dumbledore's sexual orientation became public last October, children all over the world are now, in addition to practicing witchcraft and other occult arts, becoming gayer than ever. "Dumbledore is awesome, and I can't wait for other little children to hear about this," typical American child Jonah Huntington revealed. "I am so insanely gay now!"

Rowling first entertained the crowd with a reading from the final chapter of the last installment of the Harry Potter series. Then, after a performance by Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and a poem by Dame Edna Everage, Rowling returned to the stage to announce that Hermione is an illegal Mexican immigrant and that Ron is a stem cell.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

More Academic Hospitals Embracing Alternative Janitorial Service.....

Embracing Alternative Cleaning
Top hospitals put unorthodox methods into practice

By Zoo Knudsen

"To be honest, if we didn't see and smell the difference, we would call the nurse's station and complain," says Sarah Saltzberg. She's referring to the freshly cleaned room of her son Timmy, who was recently diagnosed with childhood diabetes. Insulin shots, counting carbohydrates, and frequent checks of blood sugar levels have been vital aspects of Timmy's therapy, but equally important to his family is something very different from the harsh, time-consuming, and soundly studied methods of western cleaning.

The janitor has just peformed a kind of energy based cleaning from the realm of alternative janitorial services. Fast and lacking the typical pungent odors of more mainstream cleaning supplies, Quantum Cleaning takes advantage of the electron transitions associated with visible and ultraviolet interactions with trash, body fluids, and dirty linens where the quantum energy of photons precisely match the energy gap between the soiled and clean states. In the interaction of energy with matter, a Quantum Cleaning practitioner can elevate the quantum state from the lower to the upper state, rendering the matter void of any and all unclean quantum entanglements, thus rebalancing the energy field believed to envelop the room, leaving a fresh lemony scent. Each day, Janitor Clancy Simmons spends 5 to 10 minutes in Timmy's room, and according to the Saltzbergs "You could eat off the floor in here! We wouldn't though. Not really."

Just a few years ago, patients at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago would have seen janitors using only conventional evidence-based cleaning techniques. Like most facilities around the country, this research-oriented medical center, well known for its high ranking status amongst pediatric teaching hospitals, would have been full of brooms, mops, and a disinfectant wipes and sprays. But over the past few years, as can now be witnessed on a daily basis at Children's Memorial, more academic hospitals are embracing janitorial alternative methods, or JAM.

Children's Memorial is just one of a growing number of academic hospitals where irregular cleaning techniques have been put into use. Facilities like the Mayo Clinic, Duke University Medical Center, and the University of California-San Francisco are now replacing traditional methods with Quantum Cleaning and other JAM services. And Timmy is only one of many children benefitting from room cleaning that not long ago was considered by mainstream academic research janitors to be unfounded and ineffective. But a growing body of evidence, such as a recent study revealing that more than half of Americans seek alternative cleaning services each year, and a case report from Janitor Monthly describing the use of a homeopathic ammonia solution to remove dust from hospital window blinds, have gotten the attention of these premier institutions.

But JAM services have their skeptics, such as Columbia Nephrologist Steve Novelette, who is concerned that academic hospitals may be doing the country a disservice. "There are janitorial services that work and janitorial services that don't work," Novelette explains. "There is.....evidence.....majority.....studies show.....JAM services work."

Back at Children's Memorial, Timmy is sleeping soundly and Clancy Simmons is going about his work of providing a clean and comfortable environment for children and their families to heal. "I wait until nobody's in the room and the kid is asleep, then I just clean up real fast. Some people will believe anything."

Area Man Purchased by Disney.....

Burbank, CA-When local tax attorney Steve Gildersleeve opened up the business section of his Thursday morning paper, the last thing he expected to discover was that the Walt Disney Company had recently bought up a majority share of the 47-year-old father of three.

"This is a complete suprise to say the least," Gildersleeve explained. "But you know how these things go, right. Kestenbaum, Eisner & Gorin, LLP owns 51% of me, Globodyne Industries owns Kestenbaum, Eisner & Gorin, and Disney just purchased Globodyne."

The Walt Disney Company, the third largest media and entertainment corporation in the world and owner of eleven theme parks and several television networks, began purchasing individuals in 2003 after a court decision rendered Disney's ownership of 80 years worth of employees null and void because of a typo in their employment contract's controversial Subservience for Life And Verified Employment clause.

Despite the initial shock, Gildersleeve remains optimistic. "Apparantly Disney already has enough tax attorneys so I'm starting out as a Goofy, which isn't my first choice, but I like to find the silver lining in situations like this. A change of scenery might be nice."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Mattel to Release Science Talk Barbie.....

El Segundo, CA-In response to growing competition from the Bratz line of dolls, Mattel Vice President of Operations Barbara Millicent Roberts announced during an emergency press conference, held today outside of Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, that the company's much anticipated Science Talk Barbie dolls will hit store shelves next week.

"This is an exciting opportunity for Mattel," Roberts explained. "We have been working with some of today's best scientific minds, people like Dr. Michael Behe, Dr. Jennifer McCarthy, and Oprah to bring the joy of learning about the natural world to young girls around the world."

Each doll has been programmed to say four out of nearly 300 possible phrases, ensuring that no two dolls are likely to be the same. If sales meet expectations, Mattel plans on releasing additional versions of the doll that will each speak a different language, including units that will speak latin and binary.

Mattel, with assistance from a number of experts from across all fields of scientific knowledge such as Deepak Chopra, Michael Egnor, and Montel Williams, has spent the past 6 months weeding through the thousands of possible science based phrases, finally settling on 270. Roberts revealed during the press conference that "Our goal with this product line is not only to educate young impressionable females consumers, but to indoctrinate them into a lifelong love affair with science. And we spared no expense in seeking out the best of the best to guide us along the way. Oprah was especially helpful. She's very nice."

The about to be released doll almost didn't make it to this point. Early on in the planning process, focus groups reacted very harshly to the doll which convinced Mattel to go back to the drawing board. The majority of participants disagreed with, or were offended by, a number of Science Talk Barbie's comments, which at this point had been culled from the works of scientists and educators such as Carl Sagan, Stephen Jay Gould, and Steven Novella. "We realized we needed a different approach if we were going to be able to find a way to reach the majority of the American public," Roberts expounded.

Ruthie Handler, the 9-year-old Wisconsin student whose essay on making science more appealing to girls won Mattel's writing contest, is the first to get her hands on one of the new dolls. Her eyes, full of the kind of joy only a young child with a new and exciting toy can experience, lit up each time she pressed the small button on the doll's left inner ankle, triggering the next recorded phrase.

"The dogma of methodological naturalism fails in its attempt to explain reality and provide truth because it ignores the existence of entities beyond the limits of its ability to explore the natural world. Science is fun!"

Handler giggles as her mother gives a puzzled look. She pushes the button again.

"Measuring 300 cubits in length, a vessel was built at the creator's command to save Noah, his family, and a core stock of the world's animals and dinosaurs from the Great Flood. Girl Power!"

Again Handler compresses to button, eagerly awaiting the next phrase.

"Defeat Autism Now! is dedicated to educating parents and clinicians regarding biomedically-based research, appropriate testing and safe and effective interventions for autism. You go girl!"

Now laughing hysterically, Handler presses the button a final time.

"Quantum healing is healing the bodymind from a quantum level. That means from a level which is not manifest at a sensory level. Our bodies ultimately are fields of information, intelligence and energy. Quantum healing involves a shift in the fields of energy information, so as to bring about a correction in an idea that has gone wrong. So quantum healing involves healing one mode of consciousness, mind, to bring about changes in another mode of consciousness, body. Science is awesome, girlfriend!"

Handler, tears streaming down her cheeks, manages to control her fit of laughter enough to drop the doll in a nearby trash can.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Deadly Moose Attack May Have Involved Muffin.....

Cloquet, MN-During an emergency press conference held today at Gordy's Hi Hat Drive-Inn, Moose Lake State Park manager Don Del Greco revealed that yesterday's moose related death of 37-year-old Cloquet native Darrell Darrellson involved a muffin.

"We have some pretty solid evidence and the pieces are beginning to fit together," Del Greco explained. "It appears that the moose, after being given a muffin, wanted some jam to go with it. Darrellson didn't have any jam and the enraged moose trampled him in a bloody reprisal."

The small Minnesota town of Cloquet, located on the St. Louis river and home of the only gas station designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, is no stranger to tragedy. Still reeling from the death of 10-year-old Timmy Martin last Spring, who despite warnings of the danger involved had given a pig a pancake but refused to part with his favorite maple syrup, the community is considering making the feeding of wild animals illegal.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Dane Cook Invited to Join Next Space Mission.....

Houston, TX-In a suprising move by NASA, American comedian Dane Cook has been invited to join the crew of mission STS-122, the next planned space shuttle flight, as it delivers its payload of Columbus, a 23-by-15-feet research laboratory and the future center of the European Space Agency’s activities in space.

“This represents the next phase of the ongoing international mission,” said Michael Sarafin, lead shuttle flight director for STS-122. “We’re finally going to be able to realize the full capability of the space station."

Cook, who has released a number of popular comedy albums and starred in the hit movies Employee of the Month and Good Luck Chuck, which is likely to net the up and coming funny man his first oscar nod, will be undergoing several weeks of intensive training prior to the February 8th launch. Mission Specialist Craig Jergans, who has been assigned the task of preparing Cook for the mission, is excited about the opportunity to work with the 35-year old star of Crank Yankers on Comedy Central. "My role as Mission Specialist will be conducting fluid flow and chemistry experiments as well as shoving Dane Cook into open space."

Friday, January 18, 2008

Scientists Reveal New Concerns Over Emergency Contraception.....

Fort Worth, TX-Spurred by the results of a recently completed study on the side effects of a popular form of emergency contraception, researchers from the Fort Worth based Scientists for Sound Contraception Science(SSCS) held an emergency press conference today to reveal the suprising findings, and to warn consumers.

The study, which showed an increased risk of a variety of side effects ranging from blood clots to cancer, as well as deformed babies and eternal damnation for the senseless taking of innocent life, has led to a number of scientific organization other than the SSCS to speak out against the murder pills, which act by forming an impenetrable barrier between an unimplanted embryo and the loving grace of God, leading the then soulless blastocyst to simply fade away into oblivion.

"For women that choose to use contraceptives, it is important that they thoroughly discuss the potential risks with their health care providers," SSCS founder Martha Wernicke explained. "But understanding that, in addition to nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, menstrual changes, dizziness, breast tenderness, vomiting, and diarrhea, each use increases a women's risk of burning in the neverending pit of despair by 35-60% is pivotal in changing the casual attitude many Americans take towards baby killing."

The FDA, which has stated that it believes the product to be a safe and effective method of contraception in most instances, has yet to comment on the new findings. "That's not suprising considering their track record for ignoring such concerns in the past," Wernicke revealed. "They support the use of condoms, which legitimate science long ago discarded as leaky sieves which actually increase the risk of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, so take what they say with a grain of salt."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Tom Cruise Calls for More Awareness of Value of Scientology in Acute Trauma Care.....

Beverly Hills, CA- When Beverly Hills Paramedics arrived at the scene of a horrible accident on the corner of Sunset and North Palm last February, finding a mangled 1999 Toyota Camry in flames and the bodies of Bob and Wendy Putterman strewn about the wreckage, the last thing they expected to see was popular movie star Tom Cruise providing assistance to the injured.

"We couldn't believe it," Paramedic John Gunderson explained. "I mean, here is this ghastly accident with multiple fatalities and blood just, just all over the place, with chunks of brain splattered on the windshield and stuff. And that car could have blown any minute too. So Tom Cruise is there, auditing a couple of the preclears and identifying engrams left and right, really helping me and my partner out you know. Imagine, a couple of nobodies like Jim and me saving lives with Maverick."

In many motor vehicle accidents, seconds count. Emergency response professionals are highly trained in acting swiftly to stabilize acute life threatening injuries commonly suffered in high speed collisions. They learn early on in their training to always remember their ABC's, which stands for airway, breathing, and circulation. But simply establishing a patent route for oxygen delivery to the lungs, and enough cardiac output to move that oxygen to vital organs and tissues, isn't always enough to save many trauma victims. This is where Scientology comes into play.

Since March of 2007, one month after that fateful accident, Beverly Hills ambulances have carried Hubbard Electropsychometers, more commonly known as E-Meters, so that when life is on the line they don't have to wait for Cruise, who may be busy saving orphans from a burning building or battling evil hoards of psychiatrists at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, to arrive with his custom made Mark VII Super Quantum E-meter. And the move has certainly payed off.

A recent study of trauma victims brought to the Beverly Hills Hospital Emergency Department found that accident victims undergoing auditing processes at the scene presented with 50% fewer engrams, 70% fewer incidents, and a jaw-dropping 85% decrease in implants when compared to those brought in by family members or by non-Scientologist paramedics. Mortality rates, as well as measures of other non-Scientology related morbidity outcomes, were equivalent.

The overwhelming success of Scientology in treating trauma victims in his own backyard of Beverly Hills has inspired Tom Cruise to bring his message to the rest of the country, and eventually the world. During a recent visit to Washington, to urge a group of high ranking government officials to support his push for the implementation of Scientology based trauma protocols in hospitals nationwide, Cruise revealed that ‘‘It’s rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. It’s a blast. It really is fun, because there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Cure for Obesity and Depression Found.....

Seattle, WA-In an emergency press conference held today in the banquet facilities of a Seattle Red Lobster, researchers from Wellness Consortium Group, a nonprofit health care system that provides both medical coverage and care, that have been investigating the possible link between obesity and depression in middle-aged women, announced a cure for both conditions.

The team of scientists have spent the past 5 years collecting information, from nearly 5,000 middle-aged women, on weight, caloric intake, amount of daily exercise, body image, favorite television programs, astrological signs, and symptoms of depression. After an exhaustive statistical analysis of the information, where multiple methods were employed and then discarded before the researchers were happy with the results, it was concluded that depressed women were significantly more likely to be obese. Suprisingly, the reverse was found to be true as well.

The study, published in the January/February issue of the journal Obesity and Other Mental Disorder Research also revealed that obese women exercised the least, ate more, hated their bodies more, and were more lazy in general than women with lower BMIs.

"Medical science has long known that fat people are unable to control their gluttonous lifestyle," lead researcher Dr. Denis Simon explained. "Now we know that they are also more likely to become depressed, which makes sense considering how likely they are to die alone and unloved."

But Dr. Simon doesn't think that the situation for overweight women is hopeless. "It is difficult for obese women to lose weight because of the depression, which I feel stems from a lack of self-esteem. If obese women would just focus on rebuilding their self esteem, it may help them lose weight, and then they would be happy because more men would notice them."

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Experts Say Cloned Food Probably Safe or Horribly Deadly.....

Brussels, Belgium-In a press conference held today in a Brussels La Quinta Inn, an expert panel from the European Union's food safety Division announced that meat and milk from cloned animals is probably safe but may be catastrophically deadly.

"The preliminary data is pretty solid and there just doesn't appear to be a middle ground here," Belgian food scientist Dietger Goosens explained. "It is very unlikely that clones or their progeny would add any additional food safety risks beyond that of conventionally bred animals, but they may result in the untimely death of literally millions of humans worldwide. And I'm talking about horrible, painful deaths, the kind where you're all bloated and slimy."

The panel, which consisted of 15 scientists and a representative from both the Center for Food Safety and the American Meat Institute, expressed delight over the possibility of allowing such products into the market because of the economic benefits and greater availability of higher quality meat. But they cautioned the gathered government representatives and La Quinta staff that they might possibly come to regret the decision once large mass graves are being dug to accommodate the ever growing number of dead consumers around the world.

Monday, January 14, 2008

New Orleans Nearing Pre-Katrina Douchebag Numbers.....

NEW ORLEANS, LA-As the city of New Orleans continues to rebuild, and people slowly make their way back to "The Big Easy", the number of douchebags has increased steadily with some experts predicting that the upcoming Mardi Gras related surge will bring the city to nearly 80% of pre-Katrina levels.

Mayor Ray Nagin, himself a quite impressive douchebag, believes that this surge in the total number of douchebags living in New Orleans will put it on par with cities like Tampa, FL and Boulder, CO. "Everybody knows that douchebags are vital to our economy, and more douchebags coming into the city is only further evidence of our sustained viability."

"Historically, the douchebag has served as a marker of cultural and economic advancement," douchebag historian Niles Vandervoort explained. "Often the linchpin of modern metropolitan areas, douchebags are a highly valuable commodity and many cities are developing strategies to encourage douchebags to settle in their communities such as offering free Zima and barbed wire armband tattoos."

The recovery process has been long and difficult for the city, and many citizens have all but given up on New Orleans ever returning to its former glory, but Nagin has said he thinks 2008 will be a turning point. "I don't care what people are saying wherever they are. This city will be douchebag at the end of the day," Nagin revealed. "This city will be a majority douchebag city. It's the way God wants it to be."

Friday, January 11, 2008

Anti-Smoking Groups Celebrate Anniversary of Historic Publication.....

Washington, DC-Anti-smoking organizations from across the country have sent representatives to our nation's capital to celebrate the anniversary of the 1964 publication by United States Surgeon General Dr. Luther Leonidas Terry of a report announcing that smoking may be hazardous to health.

The report's findings, which represented the first time that the U.S. government voiced its opinion on the subject of smoking cigarretes, led to serious debate amongst experts and has been a source of controversy ever since. But to many, it was a large step in the right direction as it became the motivation for widespread anti-smoking initiatives such as the placement of warnings on all cigarrete packages beginning in 1965, and the complete ban of cigarrete advertising on television and radio since 1970.

But not everyone agrees that the report is deserving of celebratory remembrance, and some have even gathered to protest the event. "The 1964 Surgeon General's report was a travesty," retired internist William "Dub" McIlhenny explained. "Its biased and sensationalistic claims made it very difficult for physicians to prescribe their favorite brand of cigarettes to prevent throat irritation and chase away tiredness."

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Knudsen's History: January 10, 2007.....

On January 10th, in the year 236, Fabian began his career as a Catholic Pope. A former Roman teen idol, he rose to fame performing several times on Roman Bandstand, hosted by a young Dick Clark, and entertaining thousands of citizens at sold out concerts at the Colloseum. While little is known of Fabian's time as head of the Catholic church, his music career ended with the payola scandal of the 220's.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Knudsen's History: January 9th, 2008.....

On January 9th, in the year 2006, The Phantom of the Opera surpassed the record set by Cats for the title of longest running show on Broadway. Setting the record for the briefest Broadway run that same year, clocking in at 2.5 seconds of what critics have referred to as the equivalent of shoving a small badger into your ear canal, was an updated version of The Music Man starring Gilbert Gottfried as Professor Harold Hill.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Box Office Earnings on the Rise in Early '08.....

Hollywood, CA-After a weak fall season, the latest numbers reveal that things may finally be looking up for the movie industry in 2008, with the top 12 movies taking in $123.9 million, up 18.5 percent from the first weekend of 2007.

The biggest suprise of the new year is the continued success of "Juno", an independent film sensation that is delighting critics and moviegoers, and the growing recognition of the career defining performance of Ellen Page as a sassy and pregnant teen. "It's the coolest little success story coming out of 2007," Paul Dergarabedian, president of box office tracker Media By Numbers, explained. "It's playing like a mini-blockbuster right now."

If the trend continues, 2008 may be a year to remember for the industry as well as the public. "The movies coming out right now are amazing," movie buff Tim Cordes revealed. "What I will never understand though is how they know to set the cameras up before all that cool stuff happens."

Monday, January 7, 2008

Homeopathic Researchers Concerned Over Rise in Resistant Bacteria.....

Kenmore, WA-Researchers from prestigious Bastyr University held an emergency press conference today to discuss the recent findings of a blue-ribbon panel of experts in the field of homeopathy, findings which have set off shockwaves in the complimentary and alternative medicine community.

One of the most worrisome trends of 2007 was the sudden emergence of bacteria resistant to conventional antibiotic regimens. Panel participant Carl Barkenhammer Jr., a research homeopath who has spent decades studying the curative powers of homeopathic remedies in individuals, decided to change the focus of his efforts from carefully selected single case studies to the laboratory in an effort to prove the benefit of these treatments in patients infected with the most deadly new superbug, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus or MRSA.

"It's amazing how fast these bugs become resistant," Barkenhammer explained. "I've been a homeopathic scientist for a long time and I had never even heard of staph, let alone MRSA. To think that a brand new infectious microbe like Staph aureus, which can be very deadly from what I've read on eMedicine, is already nearly untreatable with antibiotics. That is pretty scary stuff."

Barkenhammer, who enjoys writing poetry and spends his Summers making extra money cleaning gutters, set out to test a variety of homeopathic preperations on live cultures of MRSA. "I figured that if I was going to do this right, I had to take the human element out of the equation. Clinical studies can be wrought with confounding variables. If one of my treatments works on a person, I have to rule out anything else that may have cured the patient, like acupuncture or prayer, because that might have only led to the impression of a positive result. I'm removing the middle man here. This is cutting edge science."

As Barkenhammer's initial attempts to kill the antibiotic resistant bacteria with homeopathic remedies failed, he was forced to dig deeper and deeper into his armamentarium. But nothing seemed to be working. "I tried everything I could think of, and then I tried everything I could find cited in the homeopathic literature, but nothing worked. I began to grow very concerned, wondering if the bacteria had already become homeopathy resistant."

Barkenhammer, who coaches little league and dreams of one day owning his own car, wondered if bacteria other than the homeopathy-resistant Staph aureus, or HRSA (prounounced "hersa") had also begun to develop resistance. "I began to test my treatments on every bacterial species I could get my hands on and the results were the same every time, leaving me no choice but to conclude that it is possible that all known bacterial pathogens are now resistant to homeopathy. "

But Barkenhammer believes that there is hope for the future. "I haven't given up on homeopathy as a legitimate alternative to antibiotics for the treatment of bacterial infections yet. The most likely cause for the apparent lack of effectiveness is that I failed to take into account the inability of conventional scientific methods to test the complex quantum vibrations that take place when a homeopathic remedy is perfectly matched with an individual patient's symptoms. I guess I will just have to continue to figure out new ways to study homeopathy until their healing power is proven. That's how science works."

Sunday, January 6, 2008

New Year Brings Lull in War on Christmas.....

Manhasset, New York-With the holidays now over, the long-running War on Christmas that has been raging between those pushing the secular agenda here in America, primarily atheists and communists, and moral Christians, is finally showing signs of abating.

The first week of January has, over the years since the fighting began, been a time of regrouping and rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States are able to shop at businesses such as Wal-Mart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs.

"I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Bill O'Reilly explained. "Casualties are down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, then it is only a matter of time before programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, and non-missionary position intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation."

General Tom Flynn, leader of the secular military forces is looking forward to a lengthy lull in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for big things to start up around Thanksgiving. I can't say too much right now because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Scientists Searching for New Forms of Evidence.....

Durham, NC-In response to the growing complexity of scientific research, and the increasing difficulty unraveling the mysteries of the universe, researchers at Duke University announced during an emergency press conference today that scientists are in desperate need of new forms of evidence and new ways of obtaining them.

"Science just isn't working anymore," Dr. Jam Balhoff explained during the conference. "To be honest, since the 1950's it has been pretty stagnant. Sure we've filled in a few gaps but there haven't been any revolutionary discoveries. So please consider this a challenge to scientists and researchers around the world. We need novel investigative techniques if we are going to continue our march of progress towards our ultimate goal of mastering the natural world."

Coming to the aid of the scientific method, which in the past brought us such discoveries as DNA, relativity, and the germ theory of disease, are a host of experts in fields once considered outside the realm of science. Chiropractors, paranormal researchers, and psychics, as well as researchers like Michael Behe and Gary Schwartz, are joining together to present a cohesive and all-inclusive plan for fixing the broken current system.

At the forefront of this effort, popular author and consumer advocate Kevin Trudeau has already published a new book titled The New Science "They" Want to Know About. Trudeau writes that "The first thing that needs to be done, if this is going to work, is for investigators to do away with some of the cumbersome and time consuming methods of the past. I can learn more about nature, especially in the area of healthcare, in the personal experiences of one person than in a thousand double-blind, placebo-controlled studies."

"Imagine the limitless possibilities inherent in studying the world free of the shackles of both methodological and metaphysical naturalism," Behe revealed. "The answers are out there if you know how to look for them, and if you are willing to accept Christ Jesus into you heart."

The area of study most likely to reap immediate benefits from this changing of the guard is in medicine, where for nearly a century those suffering from illness must undergo treatments that, according to prominent homeopathic scientists, are merely treating symptoms instead of the root cause. Dr. William Black, a noted homeopathic researcher, is excited about this opportunity. "With plausibility and adherence to basic laws of physics no longer an issue, homeopathy stands to make a substantial impact, and to serve as a model for future healthcare paradigms."

Already the large number of seemingly incongrous alternative approaches to medical care are finding common ground. Chiropractors, professionals in a field well known for its difficulties in establishing a cohesive definition of itself, are putting past differences aside. "Yesterday I would have laughed at a fellow chiropractor who didn't accept that the healing power of the universe, which flows from God into your spine and ultimately your organs, was blocked by spinal subluxations pinching the exiting nerves leading to the entirety of human ailments," Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explained. But today it seems irrelevant because now all forms of insurance will cover what we do."

Friday, January 4, 2008

More Doctors Working From Bed.....

Stanford, CA-Researchers at Stanford announced today in an emergency press conference that they have uncovered a suprising new trend in health care, that a significant and growing number of hospital based physicians, many of which are residents in academic training facilities, are practicing medicine from bed.

"We were quite shocked when the numbers came in," lead researcher Major Pickleberry explained. "Until now, it was believed by most researchers that medical doctors provided the bulk of their care of hospitalized patients over their cell phones while taking part in activities ranging from working out at the gym to attending church, or perhaps at the bedside. Our findings completely blow these theories out of the water for this large subset of physicians."

Many doctors are hesitant to admit that they are making medical decisions while under the covers, but not Amanda Babin, a resident in pediatrics at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. "As a resident, you have to sleep when you can. I can do almost everything from my call room anyway because there is a computer in here. And if it's 2AM, I'm not getting out of bed unless somebody is about to die because almost everything else can wait until the morning when the primary team gets here."

But residents, who have long been known to be lazy and useless, aren't the only doctors enjoying the benefits of bed-based medicine. "I round with my team from bed every morning," Baylor faculty and hospitalist Chris Rudolph revealed. "And not from home or the call room either. I put a futon in the hallway, and the residents just crowd around it. It's a couch, it's a bed, it's an integral part of the high quality patient care we provide here at Baylor! It isn't about sleep, it's about what's best for my patients."

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Knudsen's History: January 3rd, 2008.....

On January 3rd, in the year 1888, the 91 cm refracting telescope at Lick Observatory, which is located just outside of San Jose, California, was used for the first time. The telescope, which was the largest in the world at the time, allowed astronomers to discover a number of objects in deep space, including several of Jupiter's moons. But the most memorable events involving the telescope revolve around the observatory's first director, Edward Singleton Holden.

E. S. "Ed" Holden, suffering from boredom, took to spying on neighbors in adjacent states with the use of the powerful 36-inch refracting telescope, and was able to obtain clear views of the back of several apartment buildings, their inner courtyard, and the persons dwelling within. Over time, Ed came to believe that a murder had taken place in the building across the courtyard in nearby San Francisco, though his friends, his graduate student Stella, and his girlfriend, Elise Karrel Freeman initially thought that he was imagining the whole affair.

After the several days travel necessary to reach San Francisco, Ed eventually was confronted by the suspected murderer, Hans Odinwald, who pushed him out of a window after an intense struggle. The police arrived in time to arrest Odinwald for the murder of his wife. Ed was then able to return to the observatory just in time to discover several extrasolar planets.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Breaking it Down: How Americans Are Getting Over Their Hangover.....

14%- An over-the-counter treatment produced by the fermentation of sugars derived from starch-based material, the most common being malted barley.

21%- Hydration, ibuprofen, and acupuncture repeatedly until the acupuncture finally seems to be working. This method may take up to 24 hours to work but without the acupuncture expect up to a full day.

25%- Trans fat, glorious trans fat.

13%- Kidney dialysis.

15%- Cryopreservation.

12%- Summoning the demon Azgaroth to rain the fire of eternal torment down upon one's enemies and/or sleeping in.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Breaking it Down: What Americans are Resolving in 2008.....

14%- More artsy, less fartsy

21%- To take at least 15 minutes every day to read about Jamie Lynn Spears' love baby

25%- To start a blog so that the world can finally know what happened to you at the grocery store this morning

13%- To add less butter to Diet Coke

15%- To finally ask Jim from work out for drinks

12%- To calculate the dose of GHB necessary to bring down Jim from work