London-Perhaps encouraged by the generally positive response to her revelation that the beloved character Albus Dumbledore is gay, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling held an emergency press conference today in the parking lot of an Ian McKellen's Kebab and Beefburger Takeaway to courageously announce more stunning insights into the popular series.
Fans lined up for blocks for the opportunity to hear Rowling speak, many who braved the harsh weather to support the author's message of tolerance. "This is such a victory of homosexuality," outspoken gay and lesbian rights activist, and Stonewall member, Wendy Hong explained. "J.K. chose to out Dumbledore after several years of raking in massive amounts of money and fame from her fans, a significant portion of which would not have continued to read the books had they known he was gay, and despite a complete lack of anything even remotely homosexual about the character. That is the definition of courage in my book."
As feared by American Christian fundamentalists, since the knowledge of Dumbledore's sexual orientation became public last October, children all over the world are now, in addition to practicing witchcraft and other occult arts, becoming gayer than ever. "Dumbledore is awesome, and I can't wait for other little children to hear about this," typical American child Jonah Huntington revealed. "I am so insanely gay now!"
Rowling first entertained the crowd with a reading from the final chapter of the last installment of the Harry Potter series. Then, after a performance by Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and a poem by Dame Edna Everage, Rowling returned to the stage to announce that Hermione is an illegal Mexican immigrant and that Ron is a stem cell.