El Segundo, CA-In response to growing competition from the Bratz line of dolls, Mattel Vice President of Operations Barbara Millicent Roberts announced during an emergency press conference, held today outside of Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, that the company's much anticipated Science Talk Barbie dolls will hit store shelves next week.
"This is an exciting opportunity for Mattel," Roberts explained. "We have been working with some of today's best scientific minds, people like Dr. Michael Behe, Dr. Jennifer McCarthy, and Oprah to bring the joy of learning about the natural world to young girls around the world."
Each doll has been programmed to say four out of nearly 300 possible phrases, ensuring that no two dolls are likely to be the same. If sales meet expectations, Mattel plans on releasing additional versions of the doll that will each speak a different language, including units that will speak latin and binary.
Mattel, with assistance from a number of experts from across all fields of scientific knowledge such as Deepak Chopra, Michael Egnor, and Montel Williams, has spent the past 6 months weeding through the thousands of possible science based phrases, finally settling on 270. Roberts revealed during the press conference that "Our goal with this product line is not only to educate young impressionable females consumers, but to indoctrinate them into a lifelong love affair with science. And we spared no expense in seeking out the best of the best to guide us along the way. Oprah was especially helpful. She's very nice."
The about to be released doll almost didn't make it to this point. Early on in the planning process, focus groups reacted very harshly to the doll which convinced Mattel to go back to the drawing board. The majority of participants disagreed with, or were offended by, a number of Science Talk Barbie's comments, which at this point had been culled from the works of scientists and educators such as Carl Sagan, Stephen Jay Gould, and Steven Novella. "We realized we needed a different approach if we were going to be able to find a way to reach the majority of the American public," Roberts expounded.
Ruthie Handler, the 9-year-old Wisconsin student whose essay on making science more appealing to girls won Mattel's writing contest, is the first to get her hands on one of the new dolls. Her eyes, full of the kind of joy only a young child with a new and exciting toy can experience, lit up each time she pressed the small button on the doll's left inner ankle, triggering the next recorded phrase.
"The dogma of methodological naturalism fails in its attempt to explain reality and provide truth because it ignores the existence of entities beyond the limits of its ability to explore the natural world. Science is fun!"
Handler giggles as her mother gives a puzzled look. She pushes the button again.
"Measuring 300 cubits in length, a vessel was built at the creator's command to save Noah, his family, and a core stock of the world's animals and dinosaurs from the Great Flood. Girl Power!"
Again Handler compresses to button, eagerly awaiting the next phrase.
"Defeat Autism Now! is dedicated to educating parents and clinicians regarding biomedically-based research, appropriate testing and safe and effective interventions for autism. You go girl!"
Now laughing hysterically, Handler presses the button a final time.
"Quantum healing is healing the bodymind from a quantum level. That means from a level which is not manifest at a sensory level. Our bodies ultimately are fields of information, intelligence and energy. Quantum healing involves a shift in the fields of energy information, so as to bring about a correction in an idea that has gone wrong. So quantum healing involves healing one mode of consciousness, mind, to bring about changes in another mode of consciousness, body. Science is awesome, girlfriend!"
Handler, tears streaming down her cheeks, manages to control her fit of laughter enough to drop the doll in a nearby trash can.