Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Number of Incontinent Teens Growing.....

Los Angeles, CA-With the increasing popularity of massive multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG) like World of Warcraft and EverQuest leading to adolescent gamers spending hours on end in front of the computer screen, doctors are seeing record numbers of both fecal and urinary incontinence in the 13-to-17 age group.

"Teens are showing up in physician's offices and emergency departments in droves," Dr. Ramona Bates M.D. explained. "These kids are spending upwards of ten consecutive hours playing these games while drinking large amounts of Red Bull and Jolt Cola, and they won't shut off the computer for anything, even near debilitating pain from bladder and bowel distention."

Doctors are placing the blame for the incontinence on the frequent episodes of significant bladder and rectum enlargement that results from purposefully withholding waste for such long periods of time. Bates, a pediatric gastrourologist at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, revealed that "after a point, the muscles and nerves involved are damaged beyond repair and the ability to control bowel and bladder function is forever lost."

But the spike in these cases has a silver lining for one company. "We've had some pretty amazing sales figures in the first few weeks after launching the product," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "Dependz Undergarmentz for Teens is the only protective underwear product on the market that targets this age group. They can hold up to two moderately sized voids or stools, can be pulled on and off like regular underwear, and come in a number of styles such as Harry Potter and Hannah Montana."

6 comments:

Dreaming again said...

GRIN

Spaceboy Spif said...

You are an inspiration to us all, Zoo.

Sid Schwab said...

I hear Nintendo Wii is coming out with an interactive enema game, which should go a long way to solving the problem. Still a few issues with the controller unit.

Zoo Knudsen said...

They will need to solve the issues with the faulty controller wrist band or else that will only lead to an increase in ER visits and surgical consults.

Anonymous said...

Fake. "Dependz" don't exist; try Googling them. Furthermore, no sources are cited here. I am a diaperist, so I would be selfishly excited if this were true, but it's not.

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