Friday, February 29, 2008

New Study Links Childhood Obesity to Larger Ass Grooves.....

Evansville, IN-In an emergency press conference, held today in the basement of Maynard's Shop 'N Go, Ivy Tech Community College researchers announced the results of their ten-year study which links the rise in childhood obesity with larger ass grooves.

"We spent countless hours following the evolution of ass grooves left by thousands of children over the past decade," lead researcher Matt Simpson explained. "There is a pretty dramatic correlation between increasing obesity and couch indentations that are larger in both width and depth."

Critics of the study, such as outspoken obesity epidemic skeptic Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, are urging caution and warning that correlation does not necessarily equal causation. "The methodology in this study is so flawed it is impossible to tell if obesity leads to larger ass grooves or if the ass grooves are somehow an etiological factor in obesity."

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Vatican Announces Holy Water Recall.....

Vatican City-Senior church officials announced today that the largest recall of tainted holy water in the history of the Roman Catholic Church is currently underway, with priests around the world emptying fonts, stoups, and asperoniums into biological containment units specially designed by Vatican scientists and sanctified by the Pope.

"This is bad, just really bad," Cardinal Gary Castigliano explained. "There hasn't been a recall of this magnitude since 1583 when nearly a million souls were doomed to eternal torment in a lake of fire because of an improperly blessed batch."

The source of the contamination that has left thousands of churchgoers questioning the existence of a supreme being, and the legitimacy of church dogma, has been traced to the factories of Globodyne Industries. Globodyne has been working with the church to produce the recently unveiled probiotic holy water, which is claimed to strengthen the immune system and help regulate bowel function in addition to opening the door to salvation through baptism.

Church microbiologists have isolated the infectious organism Lactobacillus atheistophilus from cultures obtained at the production facility. Decontamination teams are performing a thorough exorcism/bleaching of the facility, and the Pope is asking that anyone with any doubts regarding their faith seek immediate assistance.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Experts Warn Some Sex Education Teachers Lack Expertise.....

Otterville, IL-According to researchers from the Illinois branch of the Captain Abstinence Institute of Studies in Mexico(CAISM), a nonpartisan organization dedicated to applying sound science to the study of abstinence as a means of preventing unsafe sexual practices, a growing number of sexual education teachers are failing to cover the basics of appropriate instruction.

A recent study performed by CAISM, which involved a scientifically designed telephone survey of former students of sex ed teachers at over 200 Illinois schools, revealed that more than a quarter of instructors did not meet sound scientific standards of sexual education as defined by CAISM. And many teachers may have no special training in sexual education of students.

"We really set the bar for high for this study," lead researcher Doctor Clemp Shook explained. "We didn't want this to end up as just another study that so-called experts and skeptics claim has bad methodology and flawed conclusions. It's unfortunate to report, but the evidence is conclusive that up to one out of three programs possibly fails to meet our standards."

The researchers warn that teenagers may need to help filling the large gaps in their sexual education, and unlearning the misinformation picked up in some classes. According to Shook and his team at CAISM, many of today's students are learning a number of medical myths as fact. To aid in the education of young adults, CAISM has published a pamphlet discussing these myths and providing the information to dispel them.

Here is just a sample of the scientifically based information included in the pamphlet:

"Myth #1
Condoms prevent STD's.

Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Captain Abstinence Institute of Studies in Mexico(CAISM) have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases.

Myth #2
Condoms prevent pregnancy.

Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the CAISM have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded.

Myth #3
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.

This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger God and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.

Myth #4
It's okay to have sex once you are married.

While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the CAISM, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Experts Predict Possible Extinction of the Letter "S".....

New Haven, CT-In an emergency press conference held today in the parking lot of Vinny's Food Store in New Haven, Yale orthographer Giff Gundersen announced that the letter "s", as in salamander and sensible salty soup, may be almost entirely fazed out of the english language in the next 5 to 10 years.

"It is possible that words beginning with the letter will survive this alphabetological genocide," Gundersen explained. "But current trends are pointing to a near total loss of the letter in other positions, particularly in words ending with "s", where the more popular letter "z" is being substituted."

The business community, primarily companies that market to kidz, first initiated the increasingly commonplace replacement of "s" with "z" with the now infamous Lawn Dartz for Totz campaign that gained notoriety for Hasbro in the late 1980's as legions of children were impaled by the razor sharp 8-inch spikes, which for an as of yet undisclosed reason were coated with a powerful neurotoxin isolated from a rare species of tree frog. Some of these children, now well into their third decade of life, remain permanently riveted to the ground. A class action lawsuit filed against the company by a number of them has been tied up in the court system for nearly twenty years.

But most companies incorporating the linguistic switch into their products are seeing huge benefits. The latest of which is of course the now ubiquitous Dependz Undergarmentz for Teenz, a must-have product that swept the nation this winter. "We've had some pretty amazing sales figures in the first few weeks after launching the revised product," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "Dependz Undergarmentz for Teenz is the only product on the market that targets this age group and can hold up to two moderately sized voids or stools. We're predicting even better sales this election year with our politically inspired ObamaBottoms line of products about to hit store shelves."

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Medical Test That Might Keep You Healthy.....

(As seen in Procession Magazine)

It Isn' Routine, So Ask Your Doctor About This Test Today.....

The Medical Test That Might Keep You Healthy
by Zoo Knudsen

In the complex world of modern medicine, where the established ancient truths from traditional folk medicine, insight from manipulative practices, study of human energy fields, mind-body medicine advances, and the steady progress of the science-based examination of the natural world are sometimes difficult to keep up with, it's easy to get confused. But as the list of newly discovered scourges of humanity, from Morgellons syndrome to chronic Lyme disease, grows ever more long and deadly, it is becoming increasingly important for us to be aware of the latest medical tests, particularly the ones that are able to diagnose conditions with vague symptoms that are difficult to differentiate from stress or common age-related complaints.

This test may not be accepted by every single doctor practicing medicine in the world today, but few tests are. And with more and more people facing near certain death from medical errors, drug reactions, and not being treated holistically and naturally, being armed with the most up-to-date means of appropriately preventing or diagnosing a condition so that you can quickly seek the aid of a qualified Integrative Medicine specialist at your local academic hospital can make the difference between life and death. Your doctor may not be aware of this test, and your insurance company may consider it to be not "medically necessary", but here is why you owe it to yourself to seek it out by any means necessary.

Serum Antibiotic Level

This is a simple blood test that can tell you if your level of antibiotics is high enough. Studies have shown that low peak and trough levels of antibiotics can have disasterous health effects, with patients dying from illnesses such as meningococcal meningitis, MRSA pneumonia, and Legionnaires Disease. You may think that yours is high enough, but some experts have questioned the effectiveness of antibacterial soaps and lotions, and the frequent prescribing of systemic antibiotics for viral infections, in maintaining appropriate serum levels over the long haul. It is important to understand that not every antibiotic works for all conditions, so focusing on stable levels of a variety of them is the key. Talk to your doctor for help raising your levels. And if they are in the pocket of the medical-industrial complex, the internet and/or Mexican pharmacies are excellent and safe options.

Monday, February 18, 2008

New Disney Movie Too Good to be Released in Theaters.....

Anaheim, CA-During an emergency press conference held today inside one of the vessels from the Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage attraction, Disney Chairman and CEO Robert Iger announced that the upcoming Disney/Pixar release, The Lion King 4: The Little Merlion Meets Buzz Lightyear, will be released straight-to-video.

"We at Disney feel that this movie is too good, and too important, to be wasted on a theatrical release," Iger explained. "Bringing the entire family to a movie is pretty expensive so going directly to the DVD format for distribution will allow for more people to experience this powerful story of sacrifice and redemption."

Critics across the country are in agreement that The Lion King 4: The Little Merlion Meets Buzz Lightyear might just be the best Disney movie to be released since the January 2008 direct-to-video releases of Tron 2.0 and Bambi Reloaded. Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times said that "The Lion King 4: The Little Merlion Meets Buzz Lightyear is the best movie of the year so far, maybe ever, and will lead even the hardest heart to believe again in the magic of movies."

Friday, February 15, 2008

U.S. to Bring Democracy to Malfunctioning Spy Satellite.....

Washington, DC-In an emergency press conference held today, the Pentagon announced that it will attempt to bring democracy to a malfunctioning U.S. spy satellite predicted to be on a collision course with the Earth.

"It is our mandate both as a country and as a nation to do what must be done to insure the continued momentum that freedom has achieved over the past twenty years," President Bush explained. "And that includes objects that, like the sun and the rest of the known universe, are orbiting the Earth."

The military hopes to bring democracy to the satellite in the next few days, so that the bus-sized device might enjoy competitive elections and the freedoms of speech and the press before it enters Earth's atmosphere, and claims an over 80 percent chance of democratizing the satellite if action is taken during this crucial window of opportunity. This will mark the first time that the United States has attempted to bring democracy to an object drifting in near-Earth orbit.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

President Bush to Address Nation with Help of Facilitated Communication.....

Washington, DC-As his final term draws to a close, current United States President George W. Bush has announced that he is planning to address the nation in the upcoming months with the assistance of facilitated communication.

Facilitated communication, or FC, is an established method of assisting communication used by people without functional speech secondary to a variety of potential conditions such as autism, mental retardation, brain damage, or cerebral palsy. It involves the help of a facilitator, who supports the hand or arm of the severely handicapped person, thus allowing communication via a computer keyboard or, as will be put to use by Bush, a device consisting of a series of large buttons with pictures of simple words, phrases, and farm animals.

"To be honest, I'm suprised that it took this long for the President to make use of this proven technique," New York University Provost Dirk Ragland, a major proponent of FC, explained. "Finally the public will see that behind the vacant looks and peculiar phrases is a man not hopelessly retarded but who is either normal or perhaps even above normal in intelligence."

Monday, February 11, 2008

New Beck Album Pushes Musical Envelope.....

Los Angeles, CA-Continuing his streak of innovative creative efforts, musician, singer-songwriter, and multi-instrumentalist Beck announced the release his latest album, Silent Sounds, in an emergency press conference held today in the party room of an area Jump N Jungle family recreation center.

Never shy of venturing into unexplored musical territory, Beck promised that his new collection would be sure to delight his hardcore fans while still enticing novice listeners. The album, which will hit stores on Friday with a purchase price of $19.99, consists of 23 seperate tracks ranging anywhere from two and a half to nine minutes in length that are completely devoid of both music and lyrics.

"Leave it to Beck, easily one of America's most original musical artists, to attempt something so daring," record executive David Geffen explained. "If anyone else put out an album of complete silence, and charged twenty bucks for it, I think that the public would be outraged. But since it's Beck, the idea is completely hip and I wouldn't be suprised if he takes home a few Grammys."

John Travolta, an American actor who had a string of popular television programs and movies in the 70's and 80's, and a brief resurgence in the 90's, is voicing his support for Beck's new record. "I can see this album being very popular with pregnant scientologists," the former celebrity revealed. "My wife would have loved to have had something to listen to during childbirth that didn't violate the principles of our religion."

Travolta, whose 2000 film Battlefield Earth was hailed by Freedom Magazine as "pretty good", even claims to have suggested a similar approach for the soundtrack of the movie. His idea was ultimately rejected by the executive producers, but may have served as an inspiration for Beck. Beck understudied the role of Johnnie Goodboy Tyler, which was eventually portrayed by actor Barry Pepper, who remembers the film as "one of my paychecks in between Saving Private Ryan and Flags of Our Fathers."

"I was actually one of the few people in the crew that supported Travolta on that," supervising sound editor Allen Smithee explained. "I think it would have really improved the quality of the movie. Unfortunately, they also rejected my suggestion that the cameraman leave the lens cap on."

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Knudsen's History: February 7, 2008.....

On February 7th, in the year 1978, as prophesied in the ancient texts of a number of cultures, including the inhabitants of southern Mesopotamia in the 4th millenium BC, the Egyptian Book of Life, and the Heichalot literature of Kabbalah, American actor Ashton Kutcher was born. It has been foretold that, in addition to being nominated for the 2001 MTV Movie Award for Breathrough Male Performance for his role in Dude, Where's My Car?, he shall lead a great army of man and angels in open warfare against an evil hoarde of demons and alien invaders.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Pope Says Some Household Appliances Shatter Human Dignity.....

Vatican City-In an emergency press conference held today in the ball pit of a Vatican City Chuck E. Cheese's, Pope Benedict announced that some household appliances had "shattered" human dignity.

"The Church, with its immense wisdom and love for mankind, is obligated to defend the great values that are at stake in the area of home electronics," Pope Benedict explained. "The Church is not against appliance progress but insists that it must have a foundation of ethical and moral principles, especially in the kitchen."

According to the pontiff, devices such as the iwavecube personal microwave, which has all the electronic controls and safety features you expect while taking up less than a cubic foot of space, have "shattered the barriers meant to protect human dignity."

His Holiness revealed that "When a portable, battery-powered can opener that works on round cans of almost every size, cuts a smooth edge just below the rim, and automatically lifts the lid without any sharp edges is availabe for purchase by humans, how can one deny that such a practices bring the concept of the dignity of man into question?"

After warning against the beguiling nature of science, and the ease of pushing the envelope beyond what is right, the Pope went on to express his desire for the Church to take a more active role in the development and availability of household appliances more in keeping with Christian ideals. "It is time for the Church to take a stand!"

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

How to Stay Healthy at the Gym.....

Hazardous to Your Health or Life Extending Fitness Facilities

Despite claims of amazing health benefits, fitness clubs are also home to a number of dangerous microbial predators. Finally the experts reveal just how to keep from catching more than just a great workout.

By Zoo Knudsen

Gym membership is known by the majority of unbiased health experts and sound scientists to be good for your health and immune system, but if you forget to remember a few simple tips, it may not be healthy as much as you might have thought it was before. Killer germs love to hide on a variety of surfaces found in fitness clubs. In fact, anywhere from exercise mats and weight benches to the place where water comes out of the water fountain can be teeming with microbial predators with nothing better to do than make you and your entire family sick.

And don't even get me started on locker rooms, which are the ideal place in gyms to change clothes and make new friends, but they're also ideal for bacteria and funguses to grow strong and healthy. But lowering your risk of death at the hands of microscopic germs, including the cold and Epstein-Barr viruses, athlete's foot, and especially the near unavoidable and overwhelmingly deadly staph infection known as methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), isn't as hard as you might think. Bunkie, LA sports medicine enthusiast Carl O. Spunkmeyer offers these tips:

1. Be sure to avoid any and all contact with the gym environment. Simply covering breaks in the skin isn't enough when facing a scourge of bugs with a blinding hatred for mankind. Even intact skin can be invaded eventually, which is why experts like Spunkmeyer recomment exercising in a state of the art protective suit that completely covers the body and is coated in a nonporous layer of metalized mylar. But keep an eye on your temperature, which may increase rapidly if the suits liquid helium cooling system were to fail. Watch out for the danger signs: excessive sweating, fatigue, 3rd degree burns, and instantaneous hydrolysis of all body proteins.

2. Avoid the urge to snack during your workout as MRSA may take it as a sign of weakness. Avoid looking directly into MRSA's eyes as well as any sudden movements. MRSA, like the mighty and equally antibiotic resistant tyrannosaurus rex before it, hunts based on movement.

3. Use industrial strength disinfectant, reapplying frequently throughout your workout. And instead of water, shower with an undiluted bleach solution when you're done. The searing pain you are feeling means that it's working and that you are safe.

4.Change your clothes several times during each workout. This may confuse infectious organisms, buying you enough time to get in and get out alive. And if you are cornered, don't be ashamed to use nearby women and children as human shields.

5. Use Zicam at the first sign of illness.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Knudsen's History: February 4, 2008.....

On February 4, in the year 2008, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) beamed the Beatles song "Across The Universe" to the star Polaris, located some 431 light years from the Earth, costing taxpayers 37 billion dollars. Not to be outdone, the China National Space Administration has sent a cryogenically frozen Jackie Chan into deep space aboard a state of the art Change Zheng 6 expendable launch system.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Music Industry Calls for More Heroin Addicts to Work on Their Music.....

New York-As increasing numbers of the elite talents in the music industry are being lost to the ravages of time and mental illness, experts are predicting that the major labels may soon face an insurmountable lack of new singers and songwriters, prompting representatives from the "Big Four" to call for more heroin addicts to work on their music.

At an emergency press conference, held today on the roof of a Manhattan International House of Pancakes, a panel of industry executives urged struggling singer-songwriters to pick up the needle.

"Last year was pretty rough for us," Sony BMG CEO Rolf Schmidt-Holtz explained. "Don Ho and Ike Turner died, American Idol proved useless once again, and Brittney is one buzz cut away from complete psychosis. We are in desperate need of an influx of fresh talent, and historically heroin addiction has played a large role in the maturation process of up and coming artists."