St. Augustine, FL-The growing threat of a global warming induced ecological disaster has led many in the scientific community to begin research into cleaner alternative energy sources, and the cutting-edge investigators from the Quantum Quest School of Advanced Energy Healing are no exception. In an emergency press conference, held today in the show room of a local Honda dealership, members of the team of energy specialists from Quantum Quest announced that they have discovered a virtually limitless source of clean energy.
"Energy in the materialist paradigm is typically thought of as measurable with specific instruments, such as with heat, light, or cosmic radiation," head researcher Clemp O'Callahan, a mind-body healer with over 30-years of experience in energy, explained. "The subtle but powerful aura of energy surrounding each and every human being is equally real, though until now it has been largely ignored by closed-minded skeptics. But with the use of an advanced generation two Superconducting Quantum Interference Device, or SQUID, we have finally proven that our bodies are receiving stations for energy and also, and this is where our research focused, transmitters of this energy."
To the awe and delight of the crowd gathered to hear the team's presentation, a demonstration of the power of human energy involving the connecting of team member Phinneaus McClintock to a 2006 used Honda Insight, was run to illustrate the principles of transforming human energy into mechanical work. "It was amazing," excited bystander Geraldine McClintock revealed. "Everyone could just feel the increased raw power in the car when Phinny was hooked up to it. It sounded like it could drive for miles without any need for a carbon based power source."
Unfortunately, the demonstration was ended before a team of physicists from nearby St. Augustine Technical College could perform tests on the car. Health related concerns were to blame according to the team, which revealed that McClintock had suddenly begun to suffer from aura disturbances. "When I went from my usual orange-red to a dark brown, almost black, I knew I had to call it off." The team is postponing any further demonstrations in order to focus on fundraising.
Now that science has finally caught up with the potential of subtle human energy fields, something that has been well-established in the mind-body medicine community for centuries, the next step according to O'Callahan is translating the bench work into large-scale results. "If we are going to decrease our dependence on fossil fuels, we are going to need a lot of human energy."
O'Callahan and the team are considering a variety of options, ranging from portable devices designed to syphon energy on an individual basis for personal use to massive power plants where literally millions of humans are held against their will as their life energy is slowly drained. He admits that there are pros and cons to each approach. "With one, we may not end up being able to significantly decrease the global carbon footprint, and with the other, there are some potential issues regarding human rights violations."
Further complicating the problem is the need, if the team ends up going with the enslavement of a third of the human population as a clean energy source, to devise a means of meeting the psychological needs of the human batteries. "We're pretty sure they will need entertainment but are torn between plugging them into some kind of illusory simulated reality or just buying a bunch of Wiis."