Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Jenny McCarthy Selected for Who's Who Among Autism Researchers.....

Upper Saddle River, NJ-Despite a lack of formal medical training, and a complete absence of publications in the field, Jenny McCarthy stunned the scientific community today when she announced that she has been selected for listing in the 2008 Who's Who Among Autism Researchers.

"I just don't know what to say other than I waited about two seconds to call once I got their letter in the mail," McCarthy, who is the current spokesperson for Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), explained. "It's a really big honor to be recognized by my peers like this, and I hope that this proof of my credibility will allow me to reach even more parents with my message of healing autism."

Claire Olson, an inbound telemarketing representative for Who's Who Among Autism Researchers publisher Steve's Publications, felt "honored to include the current inhabitants of [address removed] in our directory and to accept their payment of $799.99 for the Platinum Level membership, which is a lifetime membership that provides an additional free copy of the publication as well as permission to list the honor on resumes and CVs for a reduced membership price."

Monday, April 28, 2008

New Documentary Links Darwinism to Reality Television.....

Seatlle, WA-Fresh on the heals of the controversial documentary Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, which attempts to blame the mass slaughter of millions of Jews during the Holocaust on Darwinism, a new film set to be released next month seeks to link the rise of reality television to the underlying concepts of evolution and natural selection as put forth by Charles Darwin.

"Our film starts by exposing the weaknesses inherent in Darwinism, weaknesses that have never been addressed by Darwinists such as the lack of videotape evidence of speciation occuring in real-time," director Nirk Davenport explains. "We go on to show that the blueprint for what has become reality television is rooted in Darwinism and one need look no further than shows like Flavor of Love and Farmer Needs a Wife to see how Darwinsim is wearing away the moral foundation of our society."

The makers of the film further contend that "Big Reality" suppresses criticism and claim that writers who believe that there might be a place for "Intelligent Scripting" in the reality genre are being persecuted for these beliefs. "If a writer approaches a network about a scripted reality program, where everything is created and planned beforehand with the outcomes already known, those executives are going to say that they don't belong in the reality television business," host Wallace Shawn reveals. "This is America right?"

The producers and writers of the film, as well as Davenport and Wallace, recently held an invitation only discussion amongst themselves over the content of the film that was open to select members of the press who had passed a background check and polygraph testing. Their conclusion was that the film is valid and beyond reproach. The film was funded with taxpayer dollars through the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives and viewing has been declared mandatory under penalty of treason.

Critics of the film, all Darwin worshipping atheist supporters of reality television programs like Moment of Truth and Temptation Island, have already made efforts to suppress the ideas put forth in the new documentary. One covert operation involving a number of Darwinists, disguised as moral United States citizens, was foiled by a gaurd cleverly placed outside of the theater to check IDs against a guest list obtained from the online forms used to sign up for the free public screening. Tactics such as this have so far assured that all persons holding opinions contrary to those espoused in the film have been kept from unfairly distracting potential moviegoers.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Actor's Jail Time Puts What's Happening!! Movie On Hold.....

Culver City, CA-Adding further grief to the legions of Wesley Snipes fans around the world, Sony Corporation Chairman and CEO Howard Stringer announced today that plans for a What's Happening!! movie are being put on hold until 2010.

"We have no other recourse but to wait this thing out," Stringer explains. "I mean, if Woody Harrelson's word that Snipes has led an exemplary life and doesn't deserve hard time isn't enough for the judge then there isn't any hope left."

Longtime fans of the popular 1970's sitcom, which delighted the nation with the comic adventures of Roger "Raj" Thomas, Dwayne "Hey, Hey, Hey!" Nelson and Freddy "Rerun" Stubbs, have been holding prayer vigils and picket signs outside of the courthouse ever since Snipes' February 1st conviction. The numbers had begun to dwindle somewhat, but protesters were in full force at the Thursday sentencing with estimates of a crowd of nearly 5 participants.

Snipes, who has starred in such big-budget Hollywood movies as Major League, Blade and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, is slated to fill the role of Raj. Actor Anthony Anderson will be playing the coveted role of Rerun and, in a suprising move that is as of yet unsubstantiated by Sony, comedian Dane Cook is on board as Dwayne. The plot, so far kept secret by Sony, is rumored to be based on a combination of several of the show's classic episodes, but will also involve a dramatic sci-fi element with Shirley, the wise-cracking waitress at "Rob's Place", who will be portrayed by academy award winning actress Halle Berry, uncovering a vast government conspiracy regarding alien technology buried somewhere in the Mojave desert.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

AAP Calls for Increased Awareness of Stupid Babies.....

Elk Grove Village, IL- On the heels of a recent survey revealing that fewer than 5% of infants under 6 months of age are being taught to use sign language, the AAP has released a statement calling for pediatricians and other child healthcare professionals make preperations for an epidemic of stupid babies.

"We don't know how bad this is going to be yet because we only just discovered the sad reality that such low numbers of babies are being taught sign language," Dr. David Tayloe, president-elect of the American Academy of Pediatrics explains. "But it is clear that there are going to be a lot of stupid babies out there. And I mean really stupid babies."

Fighting to stem the rising tide of infant stupidity for over 20 years, the team that developed the Little Hands Program, the world's leading sign language program for infants, claims to offer the only program created by child development experts specifically for babies. Dr. Sharon Williams, co-inventor of Little Hands, reveals that "Our program is designed for all kinds of babies. Fussy babies. Stinky babies. Mean babies. And yes, stupid babies. It is especially designed for stupid babies."

Joan Renolds, a stay-at-home mother of 3-month old twins Jayden and Jalen, is convinced of the benefit of infant sign language classes. "If not for the Little Hands Program, how else would I know that my boys only want organic lactose free vanilla flavored soy based formula and to not be vaccinated?"

Monday, April 21, 2008

Genetically Modified Baked Goods Contain 30% More Love.....

Verdon, NE-According to food scientists from the University of Nebraska's Agricultural Advancement Center, a recent breakthrough in the genetic modification of plants has led to foods, particularly baked goods, with considerably higher percentages of love.

"Everyone knows that the best meals are prepared with a little love," agronomist Norman Borlaug explains. "With use of the most advanced equipment by the world's leading scientific minds, we may soon live in a world where all recipes, from apple pie to rhubarb cobbler to peach fritters, contain nearly 30% more love than in years past."

But not everyone believes that the introduction of genetically modified crops into the food supply, even with higher levels of love, to be a good idea. Auntie Gladys McCorkle of Verdon, Nebraska, winner of the Richardson County Bake-Off three years running, has begun a letter writing campaign to put an end to the practice. "It isn't right messin' with nature like that. You just can't go foolin' with the natural order of things without brewin' up a mighty mess of trouble. Trouble like increased rates of cancer and other degenerative ailments, the breeding of superviruses with near human intelligence, and more children born with cabbage heads!"

Friday, April 18, 2008

Point/Counterpoint: Disney World as a Global Melting Pot.....

Disney World Provides a Magical Opportunity for People of Various Cultures to Come Together

By Amy Jones
Optometry Student
Memphis, TN

I will never forget my magical journey to Disney World. From the moment I arrived, my education began as the wonders of the world were opened up to me. I was able to experience the coming together of people from across the globe and my curiousity for adventure and discovery was met without even the need to cross an ocean.

Only at Disney World, where dreams truly do come true, can a simple southern girl from Memphis come to see the wonders of the diverse customs and characters of different countries and cultures from around the world. At Disney's amazing Epcot World Showcase, I travelled from country to country, soaking in every ounce of their unique cultural experiences. And did you know that the shops and restaurants are staffed by actual citizens of each country? Those accents aren't fake because they are the real deal!

But at Disney World, it isn't just about the staff and attractions. My fellow visitors hailed from around the world as well. Just people-watching in the lobby of my hotel taught me more about the ways of the world than any college course. If the spirit of mutual respect and admiration infused in every nook and cranny of Disney World is any indication, then there is hope for all people to one day join together in peace and harmony.

I'm Not Mulan!

By Nancy Chien
Harvard University

I'm not Mulan! For the love of god please stop asking for my autograph. Do I look like a Disney Princess? Can I please just eat my giant soft pretzel in peace?

Oh my god! Seriously people! I've never even been to China. I was born in Chicago. I've never even seen the movie!

I realize you want to get autographs for your kids. But didn't the fact that there wasn't a line and a 90-minute wait to approach my table seem a little odd? No? Fine, just give me the damn book! Who do I make this out to?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Pope Denounces Non-Vatican Approved Bobbleheads.....

New York, NY-With his visit to New York rapidly approaching, the Holy Pontiff Benedict XVI today approved a document denouncing non-Vatican approved Papal bobbleheads as defective and not true embodiments of the spiritual leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

"These other bobbleheads cannot be called ‘bobbleheads’ in the proper sense,” current Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, His Most Illustrious and Reverend Eminence William Joseph Cardinal Levada S.T.D. explained. "This is not to say that, despite their obvious defects, the Spirit of Christ has refrained from using them as instruments of zany fun. Yet they lack the fullness of grace and of truth which has been entrusted to the Catholic Church."

The Holy See has also declared that unapproved Papal travel mugs, though perfectly capable of transporting hot liquids, will open the gates of oblivion which gaurd the pathway to eternal torment in the fiery lakes of Hell.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Scientists Raise Concern Over Advances in Shaving Technology.....

Cincinnati, OH-Over the past few thousand years, mankind has developed depilatory technology that has advanced far beyond the use of simple shells and crude copper instruments, and allowed humanity to creep closer and closer to the evolutionary pinnacle of manly facial aesthetics. Recent discoveries, such as the Nobel prize winning development of an enhanced Lubrastrip infused with vitamin E and aloe, and the incorporation of a 5th blade into the Gillette Fusion shaving system, have truly taken shaving into the 21st century.

Today, thanks to the wonders of methodological naturalism, we live in a world where the raw and bloody face associated with using razors with only one or two blades is a long forgotten memory. In fact, pioneering companies like Gillette, who have continually pushed the envelope beyond what would seem decent and ethical, in essence playing God with our very faces, have achieved the impossible not only in harnassing the mighty power of 5 blades but also battery powered microchip guided micropulses. Thus, a man might live his entire life never needing endure the horrors of razor burn or embarassing afternoon stubble. But some researchers, concerned about the potential global impact of even more advanced shaving devices in the pipeline, are beginning to question this seemingly wreckless drive for closer and closer shaves.

"It isn't right and somebody needs to put a stop to it," nuclear safety officer Walter Wagner explains. "Right now the only thing standing between the consumer and total facial annihilation is my tireless effort in the courts."

What Wagner is referring to is the latest advancement in shaving technology, only recently revealed by Proctor and Gamble, owners of the Gillette name. According to company spokesperson Lance Pearsall, "We considered a sixth blade. We considered a softer grip. These things would have certainly revolutionized shaving but they pale in comparison to the Gillette Cosmos. It's really gonna knock your socks off."

Due to hit store shelves next month, the Gillette Cosmos makes use of the latest advances in particle physics in their patented Quantaglide technology, which actually coats each of the razors 5 blades with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. When exposed to this technology, even the toughest beards are gently lifted away from the face allowing the hairs to come into contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction then ensues, utterly destroying the hair.

Not satisfied with reassurances from Gillette, Wagner is asking for the courts to intervene. "We are requesting a few months to investigate and to better understand the risk involved," he reveals. "Black holes and strangelets that close to the face may have some pretty nasty consequences. The attractive and destructive powers of these forces of nature may at best only bring about the end of goatees, soul patches and fu manchus, and at worst leave a trail of bloody headless corpses in their wake!"

Friday, April 11, 2008

Middle-Aged Men Facing Difficult Fashion Crossroad.....

Casa Grande, AZ-When 53-year old stockbroker Eric Milloy looks into the mirror these days, he worries about the same things that most middle-aged men do, like his career, his health, and his family. But, like a growing number of men over the age of forty, Milloy faces the daily fashion dilemma of whether or not to pop his collar, and teeters precariously on the edge of a new look and perhaps a new outlook, on life.

The act of upturning the collar of tennis shirts, first initiated in the late 1920's as a means of protecting one's neck from the heat of the sun during athletic activity, has over the years come and gone as a non-sport related fashion trend. Recently it has experienced a spike in popularity, particularly amongst douchebags and other related taxonomic classifications of humans. But the typical collar popper has, until now, been considerably younger than Milloy and experts are baffled.

"I think about popping my collar every single day," Milloy explained. "So far I haven't done it, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to soon. I already have a sense of smug self-satisfaction and the firm belief that I am better than other people, so naturally the collar is going to come up eventually."

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Study Links Cancer Surge to Pixie Dust Exposure.....

Orlando, FL-The preliminary results of a 10-year investigation by Walt Disney World Resort epidemiologists into mounting public concerns of an apparent rise in a rare form of lung cancer amongst Disney resort patrons appear to finally shed some light on the troubling phenomenon.

"The early data is concerning," lead researcher Bryan Mintz explains. "Initial animal data shows a pretty solid link between pixie dust and a highly malignant and rapidly fatal form of lung cancer. This particular cancer, dubbed imaginothelioma, seemed to appear out of nowhere in 1955, when the first case showed up in Anaheim. If this bears out, we will have a real crisis on our hands because that stuff is everywhere around here."

Walt Disney Company executives are taking the situation seriously, but are cautioning against panic. Disney icon Mickey Mouse, in a press conference held today on the third floor of the Haunted Mansion, announced that "everything that can be done to better understand this alleged link is being done. In the meantime, all the patients are enjoying the magic and wonder of Disney at our Disney Princess Cancer Hospital for Customers."

Patient care, which runs daily from 9am until 7pm except for Saturdays when evening Extra Therapy Hours are in effect until 11pm, is covered by the Deluxe Treatment Plan with each round of chemotherapy or radiation counting as 1 bedside service. Because of popularity of the hospital, wait times for patients taking part have run as high as 90 minutes at hospital attractions such as Goofy's Phlebotomy Playhouse and the Lilo and Stitch Chemotherapy Hut. Always striving to pack as much entertainment as possible into every encounter, Disney is planning a reservation only fireworks extravaganza to be held on tuesdays and thursdays in the hospital courtyard for a minimal fee.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Elderly Journalist Finds His Inner Child.....

Going undercover at Disney World. Back in a week.....or so.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Spleen Named Unsexiest Organ.....

New York, NY-Hitting newsstands today, the latest edition of Maxim Science, the popular science magazine for men, will reveal the highly anticipated results of their controversial annual listing of the world's unsexiest organs.

Coming in as the unsexiest organ this year according to the team of scientists at Maxim Science, the "spleen is the least sexy organ in a group of very unsexy organs." They reveal that the unfashionable and hopelessly unhip mass of lymphoid tissue is pivotal in cleaning up old or diseased red blood cells and plays a key role in the immune system's ability to protect the body from microbial predators. But, says Yale anatomist and Maxim Science consultant Sam McCluggage, the spleen is "so last decade it's not even funny!"

As word of the list has made its way around the scientific community over the past few weeks, defenders of the maligned organ, present in the abdominal cavity of most humans and many animal species, have been speaking out. Carmen Electra, an American actress and part-time faculty member of University of California at Irvine's Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy department who lost her spleen in a tragic encounter with a wheat thresher as a young child growing up in a Latvian farming community, has expressed outrage over the magazine's list and concern over the potential negative health consequences.

"Does the spleen fit some ideals and standards of some researchers writing in a men's science magazines? Maybe not," the star of 2006's hit film Hot Tamale explained. "Is it really the unsexiest organ in the world? Wow! It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. I can't help but worry what may happen if people begin to neglect their spleen health in favor of focusing on more glamorous but less important organs."

The listing of the world's unsexiest organs comes on the heels of the science magazine's recent unveiling of their annual sexiest organ rundown. Not suprising to many experts, and longtime readers, repeating with top honors was the vagina, followed by the breasts. Making the list for the first time this year, the gallbladder came in third.