Quincy, MA-For the first time in nearly fifty years, the National Fire Protection Association has issued an update to its highly succesful "Stop, Drop and Roll" technique in an effort to combat increasingly resistant fires.
"I remember when catching on fire wasn't much more than a minor and temporary inconvenience," NFPA President and CEO James M. Shannon explained. "But lately it seems like a day doesn't go by that I don't see some poor bastard rolling around in flames and frankly it's about time we stepped up and tried to do something about it."
In addition to rising numbers of acute fire related conditions, chronic inflamedness related to stop, drop and roll resistant fire, or SDRRF, is also being seen more frequently according to fire epidemiologists like Blue Paulson. "Recent studies have revealed that about one out of every 450 people is chronically on fire. That's pretty scary."
The updated technique will continue to feature the familiar three initial steps, but includes a complicated fourth maneuver developed by a Blue-Ribbon Panel of fire safety experts and choreographers. The fourth step involves a series of jumps and twists, and culminates in a lengthy shimmy. The NFPA is planning to reveal the improved technique to the world during the upcoming Beijing summer olympics, where the American Men's 4 x 800 meter relay team will complete while entirely engulfed in flames.