LONDON-People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) United Kingdom announced today during a press conference held at the historic All England Club that Wimbledon organziers had promised to discontinue the use of sharpshooters to prevent pigeons from distracting tournament participants.
"We have officially confirmed that the days of senseless and unnecessary murder of our winged brethren in the skies has come to end," PETA UK spokesperson Lord Tannington Somersby of West Puddingshire explained. "Let us welcome a new age of cooperation and cohabitation with the animal kingdom!"
In place of the highly trained marksmen, a state-of-the-art but highly experimental particle beam weapon will be put into use by event coordinators. The weapon's discharge of a concentrated beam of electrons will disrupt the molecular structure of any offending birds, leading to a harmless descent into the waiting arms of PETA volunteers who will be prepared to nurse the temporarily stunned creatures back to health in preperation for their release back into the wild in a nearby animal sanctuary. Scientists estimate that the number of human casualties, made up primarily of those sitting in the bleachers underneath the device but also of anyone within a 5-mile radius that is improperly shielded, will run well into the thousands.