Friday, May 30, 2008
"I don't know if I'm going to survive the Summer," specialized contractor Deet Mortenson explains. "If someone had told me ten years ago that the demand for panda bones would sink to such low levels, I would have laughed in their stupid hippy faces."
If current trends continue, experts like Mortenson believe that the housing industry will see more builders setting classic materials aside in favor of green alternatives like bamboo, cork, and sunflower seed husks. "I predict that the days of average red-blooded americans being able to count on sturdy houses made out of black rhino horn and bald eagle heads are numbered thanks to those liberal fatcats!"
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"Princess Leonora, wielder of the mystical scepter of power and the source of all beauty and love in our great kingdom of Gumdrop Island, has some rough months ahead of her," palace physician Mort Fishman explained during a press conference held today in the Royal Hall of Eternal Happiness. "True love's kiss or no true love's kiss, her muscles have wasted considerably and there are significant contractions of her extremities. She may not have the strength to feed herself for weeks, let alone to walk or to reunite the three segments of the Fairy's Crystal for the Festival of Unity."
Fishman went on to discuss the need for Princess Leonora to continue to receive nutrition via a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tube until her strength returns, as well as for round-the-clock care of her Stage IV pressure ulcers. "How much function she will eventually regain is anyone's guess. One thing is for certain, however. Prince Charming over there is going to need to learn how to do an "in and out" catheterization."
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
"There isn't a big focus on autism in the medical field right now," McCarthy explained during a Talk About Curing Autism (TACA) gathering today. "It is up to us, the mother warriors, to fight for the health of our children and this new system is the perfect way for busy shoppers to reduce any unnecessary risk of their children developing autism!"
Beginning next month, the 5-star Autism Risk Assessment Score (ARAS) will be seen on products ranging from toothpaste to talcum powder, as well as on individual and combination vaccines, making comparison shopping for autism conscious buyers and healthcare consumers, like architect and mother of three Brenda Kern, possible for the first time. "Finally I can work autism avoidance into my hectic daily schedule without all of the hours of research on google or asking our pediatrician!"
For a malady so complex, the rating system is suprisingly easy to master according to McCarthy, who nearly graduated from Southern Illinois University. "If you see five stars on a Chinese made teething ring or a vaccine insert, it causes autism plain and simple. Five stars means that the overwhelming weight of the scientific evidence falls on the side of it directly leading to autism with perhaps only a few minor holdouts, like the CDC or the FDA, remaining in disagreement."
McCarthy adds that a one star rating, which means that a product has not been shown to cause autism, isn't written in stone. "Just because we don't think it causes autism now, doesn't mean that we won't decide that it does at some point in the future. That's how science works."
Friday, May 23, 2008
"This is a complete departure from what consumers have come to expect from the iPod line of products," Jobs explained. "I have a pretty good feeling that the Neuro is going to sell big, and that it is going to serve as a catalyst for bigger and better things for Apple."
Hooked directly into the buyers neuroendocrine system, the iPod Neuro is designed to integrate itself fully into its host, eventually assuming control of a significant number of organ systems and their functions. This biological interface will allow almost instantaneous control over the Neuro's functions without the need to fumble with clumsy scroll wheels. Some concerns emerging from the Spring trade shows, however, are the price, coming in at just under $800, the tendency of users to suffer spontaneous and seemingly random episodes of bowel and bladder evacuation, and the leaked Apple memo revealing plans to create an army of cyborg early adopters.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Napa Valley-While visiting the Flora Springs Winery today, Dale Southerland, a 40-year-old accountant from Van Nuys, noted 27 distinct flavors in the 2006 Barrel Fermented Chardonnay.
"Sure, we've had people note ten, maybe fifteen flavors, describe the aroma a little bit and comment on the finish, but this is just incredible," Winemaker Ken Deis explained. "Nobody has taken it to this level before. It's just a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are much better at this than others. And Dale is just a really impressive guy. We are all just very impressed."
Mr. Southerland, who noted a hint of gooseberry and autumn leaves as the 26th and 27th flavors, thinks that there may be even more subtle flavors in the wine but he would need more time to sort them out. "I'm not entirely sure, but right at the end I almost think I noted just a splash of black currant with bing cherry undertones. And, could it be? Yes, it is. Just a trace of squirrel's feet and chalkboard erasers. Sublime."
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Washington, DC-Despite nearly complete bipartisan support for the effort, the United States House of Representatives ended its weeklong attempt to reanimate the corpse of singer and Academy-Award-winning actor Frank Sinatra today, instead settling on a resolution naming May 13th as Frank Sinatra Day.
"Sure I'm disappointed," Rep. Jose Serrano(D-NY), sponsor of the resolution and Level 3 Necromancer, explained. "I think we all would have liked for things to have gone differently, and you have no idea how hard it was to get the corpse past security. But at least the resolution passed."
From the beginning, the ill-conceived ritual to retrieve the "Chairman of the Board" from the land of the dead, or at least convert his lifeless body into some kind of crooning zombie, met with its share of criticism. Leading the backlash was Mike Pence, a conservative Republican out of Indiana. "Look, I'd like to have a resurrected Ol' Blue Eyes stumbling around here singing classics like "Softly as I Leave You" and "My Way" as much as the next guy. Hell, I'd love to have the entire Rat Pack shuffling around Capitol Hill just singing and dancing, and eating brains, but apparantly those bozos didn't learn anything from the Elvis fiasco. Some things should just stay dead. Sometimes dead is better."
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Papua-A group of Christian missionaries bringing the teachings of the Bible to the Korowai people of southeastern Papua, a province of Indonesia located on a large island north of Australia, were shocked to discover this morning that several of their members were eaten during the night.
"This is the third time this month too," John Yeardly of the Mormon Church Missionary Explorers for Christ, or MEC, explained. "I don't understand what this is about to be honest. I mean we came here, covered their nakedness, taught them shame, showed them the path to eternal salvation. Come on, we brought chocolate for Christ's sake!"
When approached for comment, village Chieftain Anduop Bailom stated, "I really liked those guys too. Steve was like my best bud. And chocolate. Can I just say, wow! But eating people is kind of our thing here. Frankly it's all we know."
Monday, May 19, 2008
"The new film is going to cover some pretty toxic topics," the Academy Award-winning documentarian explained. "It's something I shouldn't make, something that is dangerous, but there are things about this president that people need to know and, well, frankly they are going to be shocked."
An inside source at the White House has confirmed that high ranking officials are aware of the new film and its content but states that as of right now, plans to continue providing a standard American diet to Moore are thought to be an adequate means of silencing him. But in the event that Moore should survive long enough for the film to enter production, the government is prepared to release new dietary guidelines, effectively tripling the daily requirement of beef drippings.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Chicago, IL-To the delight of friends and family, area woman Claire Petrie shocked her doctors at Chicago's St. God Medical Hospital today when she awoke from the comatose state she had been in since a 2005 automobile accident.
"I can't believe they cancelled Gilmore Girls," Petrie revealed. "Did Luke and Lorelai stay together? Wait, don't tell me!"
Neurologist Sam Gillford, though pleased with Ms. Petrie's sudden return to conciousness, is concerned that she will be distracted from the long and difficult rehabilitation ahead. "Look, if I were in her shoes I'd probably be going throught the same emotional roller coaster. I mean, she has a lot to get through in the coming weeks. Luke and Lorelai split up. Lane becomes pregnant, and with twins! And don't even get me started on the whole Rory and Logan debacle. I just don't see why those two couldn't work things out, you know."
Saturday, May 17, 2008
"What really concerns me is that it goes completely against everything we thought we knew," cosmetologist Scott Riddlemark explained during a press conference held in the shampoo lab at the Tennesse School of Beauty, the planned future site for a Generation II Super Large Hadron Collider. "I've spent the past 6-months studying hairstyling, skin care, cosmetics, manicures, pedicures, and even electrology, with an additional 30 hours of online research in Seasonal Color Analysis, and I have never encountered a pulsar in anything but a perfectly circular orbit."
As the dust slowly settles, theories are beginning to emerge that may answer the questions raised by this suprising discovery and advance our understanding of the universe considerably. Riddlemark, a master stylist with an advanced degree in theoretical cosmetology, believes that it all boils down to split ends. "If reality is composed of hairs 10−20 times the diameter of a proton, each vibrating at unique resonant frequencies and collectively determining the different fundamental forces of nature, perhaps some events can be explained by the stripping away of a hairs protective quantum cuticle thus resulting in a cosmic split end."
Friday, May 16, 2008
"Injuries like this are pretty unusual during morning playtime activities," Donna Krebs, an assistant teacher at Children First, explained. "We haven't had to break out the sodium pentobarbital in weeks."
As news of the toddler's euthanasia is spreading around the tightknit community of just over 3,000, the townspeople have begun to voice their concerns. Tip Armstrong, a veteran bagger at the nearby Food Cow Mini Market, questions whether injuries like this are really as isolated as official records show. "It's that damn playground surface. Ain't no young kids should be running around on asphalt in this day and age. Those little ankles snap like Chinese toothpicks!"
Mayor Tom Chesterton is placing blame on local parents, who for years have been breeding toddlers for speed and thin bones, which has resulted in a steady increase in both sprains and strains. "Every year it seems like these youngins are getting skinnier and more fragile, and somebody ought to do something about it."
Timmy Dean's mother, also an assistant teacher at Children First, has come to terms with the loss of her son. "Sure I miss my boy, but I don't see how we had any choice. Toddlers live for running around and gettin into things, and a sprain like that'd take weeks to heal."
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
"A number of strategies to improve compliance among teens were devised by our team and have been studied for effectiveness over the last decade," Dickey Mopper MD, a researcher for the University of Alaska Fairbanks Adolescent Mind Research Institute explained. "The study, which involves the initiation of a randomly assigned compliance improvement program at age 13-years, is the first of its kind."
At first the team's methods, which include texting reminders, point-reward systems, peer pressure from more popular older patients, threatening corporal punishment and ankle bracelets that administer an incapacitating electric shock, failed miserably. It wasn't until they took into account the turbulent nature of the adolescent mind that they began to first see the inklings of success. And though the waters our slightly less murky, discovery of any definitive solutions is still likely years away.
Mopper and his team began to see a pattern emerge as the program followed the teenage subjects. The researchers saw a slow but steady improvement in one subset of patients and they became increasingly confident that the first step to understanding poor compliance had finally been revealed. "Regardless of the assigned method, a positive correlation between time and compliance emerged, particularly once subjects were enrolled for greater than 5 years. The next step is to now go and try to figure out what makes this subset of subjects respond to compliance improvement programs while newer subjects do not."
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
"I just can't believe it," the visibly shaken Lamont explained to the large crowd of fellow reporters and station crew members that had gathered to watch history in the making. "I've really got to give a lot of the credit to the boys in editing for this one."
Beginning with Lamont's opening statement describing the local parents' horror upon discovering the true nature of their young child's unsettling condition, an image of the boy smiling and wearing a comical oversized baseball cap spiraled into focus. The same image, which was the only picture able to be obtained by the station, was repeatedly shown using a dizzying array of entry effects, some of which had never been seen on a television news report. All in all, well over 100 entry effects were utilized for the 10-minute segment.
"We've all seen images fade, fly, and stretch into the background during television news reports before," media historian Reginald Boom revealed. "But the bar has been set very high with Ms. Lamonts effort today. I was especially impressed when the picture of the diseased child leapfrogged over the image of a bloated intestinal parasite and into an open grave."
Monday, May 12, 2008
Gilead, Nebraska-Angela Purdy, a field reporter for Gilead's Channel 7 News, expressed concern today while interviewing local woman Lois Simpson amidst the smoldering wreckage of her husband's 2000 Honda Accord.
As the charred remains of Simpson's husband and three children were put in bags in preperation for transport to the Gilead morgue, Purdy explained to the sobbing widow how tragic the situation was and asked if she had begun the painful process of coming to terms with the loss of her family.
"What a horrible tragedy, I mean, losing your entire family like that," Purdy explained to the ashen-faced Simpson. "Please tell us, how are you feeling? Are you sad? You must be very, very sad right now. Could you tell us what is going through your head right now? It's sadness right?"
Purdy, a 10-year veteran of the station, has encountered enough pain and misery while reporting the news to know how to handle interviews involving such a sensitive subject. "I felt it was my duty as a journalist to make certain that she was aware of how utterly wretched she should have been feeling, and to help her achieve closure." Thanks to the deftly handled interview, Channel 7 viewers were able to take comfort in the fact that Ms. Simpson was despondent about the whole situation and just wanted to be left alone.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Teachers May Be Worried About Your Child Part I: Your Child has a Fever
by Zoo Knudsen
Recent studies have shown that a daycare teacher becomes worried about a child every 7 seconds in this country, but often this concern goes unreported until the parent arrives to pick the child up at the end of the day. In fact, nearly 70% of episodes of Concerned Daycare Teacher (CDT) exist for greater than 5 hours prior to parental notification. So why are so many daycare teachers concerned? One of the most common reasons cited in surveys regarding cases of CDT are fevers.
The established scientific consensus on fever, which is when a child's body temperature rises above 99 degrees or when the child feels kind of hot, is that it is very, very dangerous. It has been linked in studies to a variety of concerning conditions such as meanness, teething, and ear infections, as well as blindness, baby rage and brain damage, and it should prompt an immediate parental notification. Luckily, most daycares have emergency fever protocols in place.
"We take every case of CDT seriously, but the minute that one of our teachers detects a fever in a child, or feels that the child might be feverish, the wheels of our fever containment plan go into motion," Victoria Sanchez, School Director at Penrose Institution for Toddlers, explains. "We run so many fever drills that it really is like we are on autopilot when a real fever emergency occurs. Parents are usually aware of the fever and on their way to remove the infectious child within 5 minutes."
But what do daycares do when the parent is unable to rapidly retrieve the infected infant or toddler? Most facilities are prepared for this eventuality. "We have a number of options, depending on the age of the child," Sanchez reveals. "Older children can be placed into the sterile containment unit which we maintain in our basement, where they can color and read while waiting for their caregiver to arrive. Babies are submerged in disinfectant and then placed gently in a closet." Sanchez adds that parents are charged a dollar for every minute it takes for them to arrive.
Experts recomend keeping any child with fever at home in order to avoid spreading their disgusting disease to other children. They especially warn parents to avoid premedicating children with tylenol and ibuprofen in order to prevent fever and thus avoid the need to waste a day of paid time off. They add that it works, and quite well, however it isn't very nice.
Coming soon: Teachers May Be Worried About Your Child Part 2: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Thursday, May 8, 2008
"We would like to take this opportunity to honor the hardworking men and women who have chosen to dedicate their lives to nursing," hospital chief of staff Steve Atkins, MD explained in the announcement. "It is because of them that Boothbay Downtown Medical Hospital is widely regarded as the best non-veterinary Hospital in Boothbay, and I can think of no better way to express our gratitude! In addition, I would like to caution anyone entering the dialysis unit that there has been a muskrat sighting."
Kim Juban, a nurse in Boothbay Downtown Medical Hospital's 8-bed pediatric ward who has been at the hospital for nearly a decade, was impressed with the gesture. "Yeah, this is great I guess. Usually I'd have to go to the gift shop in the basement to see this stuff. It's so nice and shiny up here under the lights." Juban would go on to purchas a three dollar pair of gold colored hoop earrings which she plans to put on her 6-week-old daughter tonight after CPS is done checking everything out at the house.
In addition to the jewelry sale, the hospital held a discount luncheon in the hospital cafeteria where nurses showing proper identification received a complementary piece of cake and free drink refills. Steven King, owner of a local Enema Hut medical supply store and namesake of the recently constructed third floor smoking lounge, was the keynote speaker. Plans to end the day with a fireworks extravaganza were unfortunately cancelled when the fireworks were reported missing. Boothbay Animal Hospital, located across the street, did however put on a beautiful display that evening.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Lafayette, LA-Despite all of her expertise in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3 month old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family picture.
"I don't know what happened in there," Milton explained. "The baby wasn't responding to anything, not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"
After a thorough investigation by store management, it will be decided what the most appropriate course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."
Monday, May 5, 2008
"I truly believe in the importance of obtaining an education," the 34-year-old singer of such hits as "Politically Uncorrect" and "He Ain't Even Cold Yet" explained. "And as my daughter grows up, I want her to be able to look at me as an example of how a little hard work and academic discipline can really take you places."
Wilson also plans on using the knowledge she has gained through preparing for the GED exam to take her music to new heights. She went on to reveal that "My newfound understanding of the natural laws of the universe has opened my eyes to a world of possibilities that I never knew existed before, and I can't help but allow my recent intellectual achievements to influence my writing."
Knudsen's News has obtained exclusive information on Wilson's upcoming fourth album, including a list of the songs recorded so far:
1. "You Control-Alt-Deleted My Heart"
2. "You've Caught My Eye For Now, But You Can't Know Where It's Wanderin' (The Uncertainty Principle Song)"
3. "I Selected Your Love, Naturally"
4. "Our Family's Group Velocity Exceeds the Speed of Love"
5. "Ain't Nuthin' Cuter Than an Obese Rural Neonate Ingestin' Prunus persica Off a Hardwood Floor"
Friday, May 2, 2008
After compiling data from nationwide telephone surveys of almost twenty thousand men, and follow-up examination and testing at participating centers across the country, researchers found that a suprising variety of male phenotypes have been affected. "We found surgeons and investment bankers as often as we found bartenders and personal trainers," lead researcher Frank Plemmons explained. "Some commonalities did emerge however, such as tribal or barbwire armband tattoos."
According to the study, the majority of individuals found to have had their penis shrunken or stolen expressed shock and, in a suprising twist, relief. "I can't imagine why they would single me out as a target of their evil black magic," Chicago financial advisor and penis theft victim Huntington Riegel Stockton Heatherly III revealed. "I've never even been to Africa. But I'm just happy to finally have some answers. Now the healing can begin."
Not every victim of the recent wave of witchcraft related phallus snatching is as positive about the experience however. New York bartender and aspiring actor Brody (no last name given), like many others, has been unable to come to terms with the loss. "They're just jealous man. Jealous of how I nearly hook up with so many hot chicks almost half the time. I need a Red Bull and Grey Goose before I hit the tanning beds!"