Monday, June 30, 2008
"I've been living a lie all these years," Uppercut explained. "If I don't know something as simple as which cola beverage I prefer than how do I know anything at all? Has my entire life been a charade?"
Shaken by the experience, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Uppercut has left his wife and three children and relocated to nearby Eureka Springs."I just want to say, to Sharon if she's reading this, I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."
Friday, June 27, 2008
"We just didn't see this coming," acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson explained. "Who would have thought that these kids were turning to adults to acquire ethanol for illegal consumption. This changes everything."
The results of the nationwide survey go against the grain of current accepted thinking on the subject of underage drinking. Until now, epidemiologists had believed that teens and adults under the age of 21 were making use of an underground network of moonshine production and distribution run by adolescent hillbillies. That and atheists.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
"We have officially confirmed that the days of senseless and unnecessary murder of our winged brethren in the skies has come to end," PETA UK spokesperson Lord Tannington Somersby of West Puddingshire explained. "Let us welcome a new age of cooperation and cohabitation with the animal kingdom!"
In place of the highly trained marksmen, a state-of-the-art but highly experimental particle beam weapon will be put into use by event coordinators. The weapon's discharge of a concentrated beam of electrons will disrupt the molecular structure of any offending birds, leading to a harmless descent into the waiting arms of PETA volunteers who will be prepared to nurse the temporarily stunned creatures back to health in preperation for their release back into the wild in a nearby animal sanctuary. Scientists estimate that the number of human casualties, made up primarily of those sitting in the bleachers underneath the device but also of anyone within a 5-mile radius that is improperly shielded, will run well into the thousands.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
"I really can't believe I pulled it off," Taylor explained from her thirties inspired bungalow kitchen. "I just hope that there aren't any serious repercussions for humanity."
Culinary experts, like Food Network Vice-President Bob Tuschman, have in the past expressed concern that pushing the envelope of the number of grains added to bread may be asking for trouble on a global scale. "I am seriously afraid that shoving any more grains into bread may tip the scales in the cosmic battle between good and evil and hasten the oncoming of the now unavoidable apocalypse."
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, University of Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.
"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."
Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed that "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."
Monday, June 23, 2008
"We can't believe the results," Chief Medical Officer Mort Fishman explained. "I walk around and see cleaner floors, fewer medical errors and, most importantly, more satisfied patients. The staff is really on their best behavior and they are able to put more away for the future. Everybody wins."
But not all the employees are as excited about the improvements at Fisk Memorial, including Central Supply technician Hector Sanchez. "The random killings are a problem, but the benefits are really good here now. Still, I'm thinking about quitting."
Friday, June 20, 2008
“Our indoor tanning scienticians have discovered that UVB from indoor tanning converts cholesterol into vitamin D,” Medical doctor, Assistant Manager of Darque Tan Malibu, and Physician's Institute for Ethical Progress lead researcher Mort Fishman explains. "Now getting the vitamin D you need to survive is as easy as driving to a conveniently located Darque Tan."
The study reveals how only 5 minutes of indoor tanning is able to produce 4,000 International Units (IU) of Vitamin D, which is far more than the daily 400 IU recommeded for most people. But Fishman is concerned that recommendations based on this data may be premature. "The last thing we want is for people to think that only 5 minutes of indoor tanning is sufficient to stave off Vitamin D Collapse Syndrome. In our opinion, the safest course to take until more data is available is to visit your local Darque Tan as frequently as possible in order to build up body stores of Vitamin D."
Thursday, June 19, 2008
"This is an absolute outrage," Milroy, who lives in a one bedroom apartment with her cats and a subscription to The American Conservative, explained. "There they were, 900 yards away and naked as the day they were born trying to push their filth on us decent folk, and to turn the innocent children of Westmore into delinquents and sex fiends."
The elderly shut-in, who hasn't been offended to this degree since witnessing the Jenkins boy feel up Constable Wilson's niece in the backseat of his Subaru Forester while parked up on Mt. Pisgah, plans to continue watching the beach. "It is my duty as an upstanding citizen of this fine town to personally witness and log each and every sweat and sand caked nook and crevice displayed by those naked heathens!"
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Nashville, TN-Suprising medical professionals and fast-food diners across the nation, Ronald McDonald himself announced during a press conference today that Vanderbilt Children's Hospital has been purchased by the McDonald's Corporation. The hospital, which has long served the children of Nashville, as well as the rest of the state, will now be dishing out delicious healthcare McDonald's style. Something that, according to Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell, comes as no suprise.
"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."
Cody Carpenter, a third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."
In addition to replacing the cafeteria with one of their high quality eateries, there will be hospital wide policy changes reflecting the new administration. The executives at McDonald's, through their liason Grimace, have worked day and night along with the nurses, doctors and other hospital staff to establish a number of cutting edge approaches to medical care:
1. Instead of asking what brings you here today, doctors will now say "Welcome to Children's Hospital may I take your order?"
2. All medical terminology used at the hospital will now have the prefix Mc added to it. For example, nurses will use a McRectal thermometer to take your Mctemperature.
3. In addition to the regular medical tests and procedures, a 99-cent test menu will be available at the hospital. It will include such items as the McCBC and the McThird-Year Medical Student History and Physical.
4. Popular menu items will be liquefied for use in total parenteral nutrition.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
"All indications are pointing towards a worsening trend as more and more children ages 2 years and up with subprime loans are simply unable to make payments on their Classic Castles, Country Cottages, and Endless Adventures Patio Playhouses," Timmy Duncan, senior analyst for the Federal National Mortgage Association's Toddler Division, explained. "Their Piggy Banks are emptying fast and it is no wonder that many are turning to afternoons of crime."
As growing numbers of these houses are going into foreclosure, suburban police forces are adapting to the resulting increases in toddler crime. Many are installing child car seats within patrol car suspect transport enclosures and Fisher Price Corn Poppers are fast becoming standard-issue equipment. A race to develop profitable non-lethal methods of incapacitation and containment are being developed by both Lego and Play-Doh.
Monday, June 16, 2008
"We can now finally say with scientific certainty that our recommendations are actually paying off," pirate physician Mort Fishman explained. "Our data shows that among pirate babies born today there are 15% fewer peglegs, 30% fewer hook hands, and a suprising 70% drop in unilateral eye-patches when compared to buccaner infants from just ten years ago."
Known for their poor nutrition while on long voyages, and high rates of scurvy and other deficiencies in micronutrients, attempts at improving pirate health were met with much skepticism among pirate epidemiologists. But the evidence is compelling that the dietary changes begun in 1998 have led to major advances in pirate health, particularly amongst newborns. The decade old dietary recommendations include increased intake of vitamin C and folic acid, as well as reductions in high fructose grog and rancid weevil infested refined carbohydrates.
Friday, June 13, 2008
"Nothing like this has ever happened before," Ed Sutton, office manager of Dental Dan's House of Dentistry, explained. "But I'm starting to question why we even include the option of lobotomy on the patient information forms. It isn't even a dental procedure."
The error appears to have occured when Mr. Bossier, who has been reduced to a childlike state of giddy abandon after having the connections to and from his prefrontal cortex hacked away with the use of a standard universal curette, a dental tool that is more commonly used to scrape deposits from teeth enamel, checked a box requesting a lobotomy in addition to a standard cleaning and xray imaging package. "I like horsies!"
Bossier's mother, who plans to keep the former collector of hand-painted tin soldiers locked in a cage in the basement of their family home, remains upbeat in the face of such a devastating setback. "A lot of people would have trouble finding the silver lining in all of this. But despite having a significant portion of his brain severely and permanently impaired, John has already found new ways of communicating. He can point to the things he wants, he laughs when he's happy, he cries when he's sad, and when he's scared he tinkles."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
“This is something that I have been interested in doing for such a long time,” Alba said. “I was just waiting for the perfect opportunity for it to be done right so that I wouldn't let down my fans, or the world at large, which looks to celebrities, and the aesthetically elite, to produce beautifully crafted newborns for a variety of important uses such as genetic research and societal placation, or as Gifts of State for visiting foreign dignitaries."
But Alba hopes that people will come to see her work as more than just another line of babies designed by yet another celebrity. “I want my spawn to be loved by the public as well as to be taken seriously by the critics. I am constantly amazed at how my uterus was able to listen to my ideas and truly bring them to life, and I think that the hard work I've put into this effort really shows.”
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Lancaster County, PA-Amos Lapp, a highly respected member of the Lancaster County Amish community, was forced to reconsider his disbelief in electricity after being struck by lightning during a severe thunderstorm last month.
"I want to give thanks to God for his blessings and his merciful sparing of my life," Mr. Lap explained during a press conference held today in the auditorium at Lancaster General Hospital in recognition of his discharge home. "But to be honest, I've got a lot of thinking to do. A lot of thinking."
"Mr. Lapp's personal physician Mort Fishman described his recovery from the extensive electrical burns, and subsequent multiple organ dysfunction syndrome, as an example of the wonders of modern medicine. "A hundred years ago we would have thought that Mr. Lapp had an excessive amount of one of four bodily humors. Today we know that he has a small troll living in his belly."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
"I knew it was going to happen sooner or later," Willet explained. "The question now is where do I go from here. What else do the heavens have in store for 'ol Cleve?"
The citizens of Homewood, no strangers to divinely inspired revelations regarding convenience stores, supermarkets, and discount department stores, are now looking forward to City Council President J. “Ginger” Busby's announcement that Chick-fil-A cashier Ernestine Goodford will very soon buy a back-up generator from Lowe's.
Friday, June 6, 2008
"Our portrayal in this movie is an outrage," Thuggee leader Rola Mam explained during a press conference held today in Pankot Palace. "We are simple folk, eeking out a living by befriending naive travellers and strangling them with our scarves. Even the thought of enslaving children to aid us in our quest for world domination is preposterous. May they all suffer the sleep of Kali Ma!"
Mam is considering pursuing legal action to put a halt to the film's rerelease, citing severe emotional and psychological trauma as well as loss of income as motivating factors. A statement from cult psychiatrist Mort Fishman reveals that Mam has been diagnosed with both clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. "He basically feels like the heart has been plucked from his very chest. Sure he'll take part in a dangerous mine car chase when the need arises, but the joy is gone."
Thursday, June 5, 2008
"I remember when catching on fire wasn't much more than a minor and temporary inconvenience," NFPA President and CEO James M. Shannon explained. "But lately it seems like a day doesn't go by that I don't see some poor bastard rolling around in flames and frankly it's about time we stepped up and tried to do something about it."
In addition to rising numbers of acute fire related conditions, chronic inflamedness related to stop, drop and roll resistant fire, or SDRRF, is also being seen more frequently according to fire epidemiologists like Blue Paulson. "Recent studies have revealed that about one out of every 450 people is chronically on fire. That's pretty scary."
The updated technique will continue to feature the familiar three initial steps, but includes a complicated fourth maneuver developed by a Blue-Ribbon Panel of fire safety experts and choreographers. The fourth step involves a series of jumps and twists, and culminates in a lengthy shimmy. The NFPA is planning to reveal the improved technique to the world during the upcoming Beijing summer olympics, where the American Men's 4 x 800 meter relay team will complete while entirely engulfed in flames.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Savannah,Georgia- Classmates of Becky Belval were shocked this morning when the previously awkward and unpopular Chess Club president arrived, having become the most beautiful girl in the school and now certain to win the Homecoming Queen election in which she had been entered as a joke.
"This whole year I've had this crush on Brad, the arrogant captain of the football team, but I've been shy and he hasn't noticed me," the now radiant Belval explained. "But now I've realized that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, or how popular you are. All that really matters is what's on the inside."
After the intial wave of excitement set off by Ms. Belval's transformation into a super sexy and confident vision of beauty by simply removing her glasses and letting her hair down, senior Brad Remington remarked "Dude, I'm totally going to nail that chick at prom! Unless the goofy nerd that's been in love with her since they were kids figures out some way to foil my plan."
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
"Once negotiations fell apart, and non-lethal methods of dispersing the crowd of suspicious marsupials met with considerable resistance, we had no choice but to unleash hell," General Zane Yabsley, Chief of the Anti-Kangaroo Defense Force, explained. "If only we had realized earlier the folly of engaging the vicious macropods in close quarters combat, we could have avoided the loss of so many young lives in the ensuing melee."
One of the least among the combatants would become the true hero of the battle when Private Fred "Digger" Macpherson discovered the kangaroos' weakness against military artillery. "When I noticed that a well placed M107 155mm high explosive shell from one of the M198 Howitzers would take out every one of the hopping bastards in a 50 meter radius, I knew that the day would be ours despite their superior boxing skills."
Monday, June 2, 2008
The study, published today in the Journal of the Medical-Industrial Complex (JMIC), evaluated randomly chosen organic cloth diapers being worn by infants in Franklin's Cool Springs Galleria, and concluded that "the observation of fecal matter, and the presence of fecal microorganisms, in significant numbers of the organic cloth diapers studied was unexpected, and lends support to claims by some experts that these products are not safe for use by human infants."
"The numbers speak for themselves," principle investigator Juanita Gomstock explained. "And it isn't just fecal material. We found yeast, fungi and large amounts of urea as well, so I can't in good faith support the use of organic cloth diapers. I just can't."