Monday, April 9, 2012

Askimus Maximus: Advice for Daily Living from the Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex.....



(Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex and CEO of Globodyne Industries)

Scared?

Confused?

Curious?

Don't worry, just Askimus Maximus. Maximus VII that is.

As the reigning Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, and CEO of Globodyne Industries, Maximus VII may not have all of the answers, but he can easily fund a study to find them. And whether you're wondering how to get that cute guy at work to notice you, or stressed about the encroachment of governmental regulatory agencies into your business, just Askimus Maximus.

Dear Maximus VII,

I'm up for a promotion at work, but Kathy from data processing always seems to be one step ahead of me. Just once I'd like to show my boss what an asset I am to the team and come out on top. And taking Kathy down a peg or two wouldn't hurt either. Any advice?

Perturbed in Peoria
Dear Perturbed,

If I had a dollar for every adversary I've mercilessly crushed over the centuries, I'd be only slightly more wealthy. All kidding aside, I do have a great deal of experience in competitive situations that call for more than a smidgen of guile. Just ask Maximus VI. Wait, you can't because he's being slowly eaten alive by genetically modified eels in the dungeon beneath my secret fortress/summer home on skull island.

In order to best an opponent, you have to think like they do so that you can anticipate their next move. Get to know this Kathy. Befriend her. Study her like one of my scientists studies a synthetically derived compound. Did you know that every single pharmaceutical agent every developed is just one simple tweak away from acting as a deadly neurotoxin with near limitless killing potential?. I don't plan on ever decimating the population of Earth, I just like knowing that I can with the flip of a large switch under my desk.

Once you can predict her behavior like I predict increased profits from the flu vaccine when one of our strains "drifts" into a more deadly form, you've got her right where you want her. It's time to make your move. Don't be afraid to really go for the jugular. And if all else fails, a few years slaving away in my acid mines should do the trick.

I hope this helped.


Maximus VII

1 comment:

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