Thursday, October 31, 2013

Local Women Ends Childhood Obesity Epidemic by Handing Out Raisins on Halloween.....

Brookline, MA- Taking a stand against childhood obesity, Brookline resident Jan Stilton will be handing out raisins this Halloween instead of candy.

"With so many people unhealthy and obese, and many of them young children, it's time somebody took a stand," Stilton explained. "If more people took action instead of just going along with the crowd, the world would be a better place! And raisins are nature's candy."

Obesity researchers, like Harvard's Elsie Taveras, have been waiting for a hero like Stilton to emerge. "Obesity is a major public health issue, and something that negatively impacts the health of millions of children. It's a complicated problem with myriad influences. Thankfully, its all about to be in the past."

The certain success of Stilton's campaign to end childhood obesity is already inspiring regular citizens all over the country to accomplish what the government and egghead scientists can't. We've only just received a report from downtown New Orleans that 54-year-old engineer Mark Foreman has loudly and purposefully had an exaggerated coughing fit as two smokers walked by him at a bus stop, thus ending tobacco's grip on the populace.

Study Finds 3 out of 4 American Colons Haunted.....

Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP)."We were suprised to find out how widespread this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. "The results of so many studies are ignored because of closed-minded attacks on the methodology and I didn't want to suffer the same fate." After using the standard paranormal investigation randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two seperate but equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP.

Team psychic and cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rod back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved recording sounds eminating from the remaining subjects abdomens and analyzing them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three out of four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now attempting to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. We just don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and painful gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Pet Owners Angered Over Unhealthy Dog Food, Death Toll in the Thousands.....

Gray Summit, MO- Thousands of angry pet owners, shocked by the discovery of unhealthy ingredients like chicken by-product meal in their regular dog food, stormed the headquarters of Purina today, leaving hundreds dead.

"This is unacceptable, just unacceptable," Judy Smith, owner of a 3-year-old Havanese named Mr. Jangles, explained as she tore the trachea from Purina receptionist Bridget Berryhill's throat with her bare hands. "Did they think we wouldn't find out? I took the True Blue Challenge! They brought this on themselves!"

Fooled by misleading packaging and seemingly sincere commercials for years, dog owners across the country have had to face the painful realization that the brands that they have been purchasing are lacking what makes up a healthy dog food. Kent Whitaker, Executive VP of Strategic Competitor Shaming at Blue Buffalo, believes that consumers should be angry about what they have been feeding the animals that depend on them for sustenance:

"These products are teeming with glutens, high fructose chicken waste, even dexahexylmethylquantanamobamacaramine. Just look at the labels, look at our label and compare. And we are the only dog food that contains actual Lifesource Bits, a precise blend of vitamins and antioxidants and a sliver of the Heart of Gaia."

Blue Buffalo is always searching for new and healthier ingredients. In addition to Lifesource Bits, the production of which will leave the Earth a barren husk devoid of all life by the year 2025, there are a number of candidates for inclusion in future products. These include acai berry pulp, coconut water and Soulsource drops, a nourishing liquid made from Gelfling essence and kale chips.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Klassic Knudsen: December 27th, 2007.....

New Book of the Bible to be Published

Vatican City-In response to sagging book sales, and the loss of a number of readers to the enormously successful Harry Potter series and popular television programs such as Heroes and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, religious authorities have hired a ghostwriter to pen a new installment to the Gospels of the Bible, the best selling literary work of all time.

"One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the Bible is the poor development of the character known as Jesus," ghostwriter Frank Sarpong explained. "He's got a mysterious past, exciting superpowers, and the kind of tormented angst that today's 18-35 crowd can relate to, but just when things are getting going, bam he's dead, buried, and ascended."

In addition to providing some new details regarding the events that took place during his 30 years as a carpenter, a time largely left shrouded in mystery in other books of the Bible, the new books will focus on the origin of Jesus's supernatural abilities such as altering the density of his body, changing the chemical make-up of fluids, and creating matter. Sarpong is looking to give Jesus a modern take. "The whole God did it reason isn't flying with today's more savvy readers anymore. I haven't decided whether to go with genetic mutation or alien technology yet, but either way he's going to be fighting crime, and possibly dinosaurs."

Sunday, October 27, 2013

New Sylvia Brown Book Just a Hundred Pages of Smeared Lipstick and Cigarette Burns.....

New York, NY- Touchstone publishing, a subsidiary of Simon and Schuster, held a press conference today to announce the upcoming release of Sylvia Browne's new book, The Truth About Famous Psychic Angel Pets Astrology Healing.

"We at Touchstone are very excited about Ms. Browne's new literary effort," Touchstone Vice President and Publisher Stacy Creamer explained. "And we are confident that this publication will both delight and educate the public."

The Truth About Famous Pyschic Angel Pets Astrology Healing, which is the 47th book written by Brown over a long career as a psychic and as a magical talking leather sofa on the set of the Emmy winning Montel Williams Show, consists of one hundred pages of lipstick smears and cigarette ash burns. Browne has predicted that sales of this book will reach the one hundred million mark and that in 2014 a cure for diabetes will be discovered just sitting there on Tony Danza's back porch.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Area Toddler is a Complete Asshole.....

Portland, ME- When Portland 2-year-old Tackle Lewinsky stumbles down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know its time to pack up and leave. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs and digging, is an asshole. A complete and total asshole.

"He seemed like such a sweet baby at first," Tackle's mother Lurleen Lewinsky explained. "But now I just look at him and wonder what I did wrong. He could just be sitting there watching the Disney Channel and still be such a complete asshole."

Some experts, like Harvard pediatrician Marsha Collins, are raising serious concerns about labeling such a young child with such a derogatory term. "A child this age is still developing his personality as he looks to those around him for social cues on how to behave. His brain is changing rapidly as new connections are being forged between neurons. Being labeled like this may negatively influence his...wait, Tackle. Yeah that kid is an asshole."

And Tackle, who is potty trained for the most part but still occassionally has accidents at nightime, is just one of a growing population of asshole toddlers who think that we should just stop whatever we're doing and pay attention to them. That's great, you found a shiny rock. Oh, you pointed at a train and said choo choo. Real damn cute. Assholes.

Love of Children Motivates Area Pedophile.....

Cincinnati, OH - When Cincinnati pedophile Marty Albright takes his daily walk, he is always sure to stop at the neighborhood park near the 2007 Chevy Express Cargo van he calls home. Why? Because he loves children.

"What can I say, I'm guilty. I'm extremely guilty," Albright explains. "I'm guilty of loving kids. Loving them a lot. A whole lot!"

And because of the special attention he gives their children, Albright's neighbors love having him around. Susannah Groves, a 37-year-old mother of two young boys and owner of the house where Albright often parks his van, is appreciative of how he is always available to babysit at a moment's notice. "In this day and age, with school shootings, internet bullying, even pedophiles, it's just nice to know that someone is watching them who will keep them safe from direct bodily injury. And when I get home the are always tucked in and quietly whimpering themselves to sleep. I don't even need to check on them!"

Albright, a vocal supporter of local youth gymnastics teams, is famous around the Mount Adams neighborhood for his festive Halloween costumes and his open van policy for children out trick-or-treating alone. Long time resident Earl Ashberry has seen a lot of pedophiles in vans during his 50 years in Mount Adams. "Pedophiles come and pedophiles go around here. Vans move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963. I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Klassic Knudsen: December 17th, 2007.....

Chiropractic Researchers Find Dangerously Few Medical Doctors Practice Standard of Care Chiropractic

Alta Vista, KS-Sending shockwaves throughout the complementary and alternative medicine community, a new study by chiropractic researchers reveals that the number of American medical doctors that do not practice chiropractic standard of care when treating patients has not budged in the past 118 years.

"We knew that the numbers wouldn't be up to where they should be, but this was a very unexpected finding," Head researcher Lance Buckstern explained. "It isn't clear yet why the near totality of conventionally trained physicians appear to be ignorant of the healing powers of chiropractic techniques, so more study in this area is imperative. But according to our preliminary data, scientific medicine can almost be defined by its near complete lack of interest in chiropractic techniques, diagnostic devices, or even in holistic spinal health in general. That's pretty scary."

Not alone in his concern, many chiropractors across the nation are stepping up and offering special discounted rates to new customers, with some even waiving the costs of xrays and other standard diagnostic devices in an effort to bring the established benefit of chiropractic to more people in their communities. Dr. Frank Grimes D.C. of Belvidere, Nebraska explains that "If you come in before January 1st, I'll include the intial exam, full spinal series of xrays, thermal spine imaging, nutritional evaluation, the first month in our extended maintenance spinal health plan, and bottles of my SuperGreen anti-oxidant supplements, StemSupport vitamins, and anti-aging cream for only $135.99. And if you bring in the kids, I'll see them for half the price!"

Knudsen's History: October 23rd, 1974.....

On this day in 1974, United States President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over subpoenaed audio tapes of his Oval Office conversations. Since that day the tapes have been shrouded in mystery, with only a few high level government officials having access. A number of conspiracy theories involving Nixon's cryptic ramblings have emerged, but none as prominent as the belief that hidden within them lies a prophecy of future events, perhaps even an apocalyptic end to the human race. 

The full message of the Nixon Prophecy is known only by the President of the United States, the Pope, Jesus and legendary blues guitarist Eric Clapton. Nixon, who died in 1994, asked that his prophecy only be revealed after his death, and the death of network television. President Barrack Obama announced that the time for revealing the prophecy is upon us, and is planning on a 6-month roll out during which single words and partial phrases will be leaked to major news organizations. Only the incredible but dormant genius of a 6-year-old child in Kansas City will be able to put them all together, that is if he can wake from his coma in time.

Many experts believe that the Nixon Prophecy, once revealed, will portend the end of human civilization. But other experts feel that an upcoming era of peace and prosperity will be ushered in by the prophecy's predictions. Additional experts, including some who have studied things for several years, think that something quite different may occur as a result of them. Still more experts are refusing to even offer an opinion on the matter but will be happy to explain the meaning of the prophecy once it is revealed.  

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Most Americans Now Born Underwater.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a new study looking into where Americans are having their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

"Although the study did set out to investigate how many people were delivering their babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix, explained. "People have apparently expanded delivery options beyond the more recognized non-traditional locations such as cars, elevators, or their kitchen table."

According to the study, greater than 50% of Americans are delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of a midwife or doula. Mort Fishman MD, medical director of Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that this study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and more natural drug free childbirth. 
"When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of Koi, you won't even consider another species for future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, calming aromatherapy, and this leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue." 
The results of this year long survey may not come as much of a surprise to celebrity watchers. A growing trend among the rich and famous over the past few years, so called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the entire event. Another episode documented Noah BublĂ©, son of singer Michael BublĂ© and Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute was deployed.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

New Study Finds Children in Constant Danger.....

Tucson, AZ-A new study out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix reveals that virtually all children, regardless of their age and location, are in constant and serious danger.

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Benjamin Rivera explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certainly going to die at any moment from something, and probably not anything you would think of either but something you've never heard of and can do nothing to prevent. Trust us, you won't see this coming."

The study, which consisted of interviews of a random sampling of Hollywood celebrities, hosts of nationally syndicated talk radio programs, politicians, members of the forums, and co-hosts of The View, does have its critics. Mort Fishman, pediatrician and UCLA faculty member, is concerned that the announcements of the study's findings might mislead some parents:
"The media coverage so far has only focused only on nebulous claims of imminent yet undefined danger facing all children everywhere, leaving families to come up with their own nightmare scenarios. And while the data clearly does support the near certainty of every child's painful and agonizing demise at any moment, caregivers must continually be made aware of known issues."

Fishman recommends that parents take at least a few hours of every day to worry about their child being murdered by a stranger, eating mouthful after mouthful of lead based Chinese-made toys, receiving Halloween candies full of shards of glass, catching a deadly communicable diseases like West Nile or multi-drug resistant super herpes, learning about evolution, or catching autism from vaccines. He also asks that they pay it forward by sharing their fears with other parents whenever possible.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Study Reveals Many Crop Circles Not Round.....

Wiltshire, England- Shocking the crowd of hundreds gathered today at the annual Crop Circle Research Symposium in Wiltshire, an international team of experts in the mysterious phenomenon announced the results of their year long investigation into the shape of crop circles.

"Despite what you may hear on the news, in popular magazine articles, or on The Learning Channel documentaries, many crop circles are simply not round," crop circle expert, and lead author of the landmark new study, Ham Willingsby IV explained. "This is something we've suspected in the crop circle research community for quite a while now, but having this kind of conclusive proof will allow us to move forward with several promising lines of research."

Crop circles, heretofore unexplained patterns found in fields of crops such as wheat and barley, that can be quite large and complex, have been documented for millennia in the historical record. Occurrences of these strange markings have increased over the past few decades, most likely because of increased extraterrestrial activity or genetic modifications of grain seeds. Monsanto is a company that I will mention because it is widely recognized and many people get very worked up over them, which may lead to more readers of this report.

Although unproven and less interesting to potential readers, the scientific consensus is that crop circles are predominantly man-made in origin, being produced as hoaxes or at times for the purpose of marketing. Leading theories that are more controversial and likely to bring in readers from Google searches who agree or disagree with them, are that crop circles are purposeful messages from visiting alien species, evidence of the planets intelligence or "Gaia", or plasma vortices.

So what is up next for this team of investigators? According to Willingsby IV, they will not limit themselves to only researching crop circles. "How large are Bigfoot's feet really? Does the Loch Ness Monster only reside in Loch Ness, and is it even really a monster or simply an aberrant miscreation? Do ghosts really shout "boo!" 


Monday, October 14, 2013

Pharmaceutical Companies Finding New Ways to Reach Consumers.....

New York- As a result of the phenomenal success of direct-to-consumer mass media advertising in increasing the awareness of, and prescriptions written for, a variety of medications since the 1970's, New York based pharmaceutical company Phizer Incorporated announced today that it would be expanding its promotional efforts in order to improve market visibility even further.

"Frankly, I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Phizer CEO Jeff Kindler explained. "There are so many children out there without parents or homes, and who haven't yet been named by the state-run facilities where they are stored. Product plugs are vital to our sales so we have worked out a deal where everybody wins!"

After holding newly christened 1-year-old former orphan twins Lipitor and Lyrica Phizer aloft to the throng of reporters at today's press conference, Kindler revealed the company's plans to purchase unwanted infants and toddlers for use in the new program. "Once legal ownership of the children is acquired by Phizer, our recruits will undertake a rigorous curriculum so that by age 5 they will be capable of discussing the fantastic benefits and minimal side effect profile of their namesakes in detail with playmates' parents, daycare workers and any random stranger within a 10-foot radius."

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

New Children's Program Discusses Link Between Vaccines and Autism.....

New York, NY- The premiere episode of a new weekday morning program called Jabby's Playhouse, which is set to air this week on The Learning Channel in most markets, aims to educate children ages 2 to 5 years on the link between autism and vaccines.

"We've done the research and come up with what we feel is a fairly close approximation of the scientific consensus on this issue," Kidz Fun Shop president and CEO Gurny J. Knievel, who is also a certified Doctor of Naturopathy, explained. "It's all about good science, good clean fun, and the kind of intelligent writing that children have come to expect from Kidz Fun Shop."

This is not the first Kidz Fun Shop program to tackle a controversial topic. The unconventional production company, co-owned by Jenny McCarthy and Charlie Sheen, also brought us the landmark 2001 show Goodnight Thermite, which dealt with the truth behind the September 11th tragedy. This was followed by a 2006 documentary on the faked moon landing, "Oh, the Places They Didn't Go!", which was narrated by Joe Rogan.

The initial broadcast of Jabby's Playhouse will not shy away from presenting a realistic portrayal of autism, as understood by McCarthy and a group of angry mothers that won a contest. The show's protagonist Jabby, a large hypodermic needle filled with mercury, antifreeze and aborted fetuses, departs on a quest to destroy the evil Baron Von Bigpharma and his wisecracking henchman Thimerosola, a vial of multidose influenza vaccine. Jabby's journey of adventure, and atonement for his condemning of so many young children to a life of neurodevelopmental stagnation, is already being held up by proponents of the autism-vaccine link as a powerful example of using information to promote a particular point of view. 

Using the power of facilitated communication and intravenous chelation, Jabby will liberate autistic children from around the world who have been imprisoned in their own bodies. Several guest stars are set to appear on the show as animated versions of themselves, including Charlie Sheen and Brent Spiner. The show's opening theme song is performed by Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan and the title character Jabby will be voiced by Rob Schneider.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Miracle Gerbil in Critical but Stable Condition.....

Beaufort, SC- Veterinarians at Beaufort's Hospital for Sick Animals held a press conference today announcing that local gerbil Screwball Jr. is in critical but stable condition following an eleven hour surgery to repair massive internal injuries suffered when the eight-inch-long rodent was inadvertently vacuumed by owner Randall Nachman.

"One minute he was there and the next he was just gone," the visibly shaken and intermittently sobbing Nachman explained. "This is exactly the kind of thing they warned us about in gerbil class. And I laughed about it...I laughed!!!"

Heading up the team of surgeons, subspecialists and critical care veterinarians involved in Screwball Jr.'s care, which is estimated to have cost a quarter of a million dollars thus far, is small animal vascular surgeon Mort Fishman. Fishman, who was once called upon to save the life of South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley's Peruvian chinchilla after it was lodged between her refrigerator and wine cooler for several days, and then the cat got it, discussed the complicated procedure and the uncertain road ahead for Screwball Jr.:

"Frankly I don't know how Screwball Jr. has come out of this alive. I mean, it was a mess in there. Whole organs were either missing or unable to be identified and most of his brain was left in the vacuum cleaner. He's going to live but just what kind of gerbil he's going to be in the future remains to be seen. He may never chew or dig again, but he's a pretty special little guy."
Undeterred by the desert rat's grim prognosis, Nachman believes that there is a master plan at work and is planning on writing an account of Screwball Jr.'s amazing life and miraculous recovery. He hopes that a movie may one day be in the works. Nachman denies any claims of financial motivation:

"It's not about the money. It's about inspiring people, and other gerbils, to never lose hope. It's a miracle that Screwball Jr. has survived, I just know it. So I guess Screwball Jr. is meant to do something pretty special one day or else God would have let him die wedged in that rotating brush-roll."

Nachman owns two additional pets, a dog and a parakeet, neither of which is very special at all. Nope, just regular pets.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Government Conspiracies Put on Hold During Shutdown.....

Washington, D.C.- American citizens across the country are struggling for a variety of reasons during the current government shutdown, but none more so than our nation's conspiracy theorists. These brave individuals have spent the better part of their lives investigating government conspiracy theories and warning the public, all under the threat of being silenced or worse, disappearing altogether. And until the government resumes business as usual, these men and women who are addicted to the thrill of chasing down hidden clues are forced to pursue other interests. Many have nowhere else to turn and are instead focusing on non-governmental conspiracies.

"It's like living in a different country," professional conspiracy theorist David Rickman explained. "For the past four days there have been no contrails, no covering up of any assassinations, no hiding alien artifacts. Nothing!"

Rickman, who has been uncovering government conspiracies for the past three decades, discovered evidence of the government's closure of all conspiratorial functions hidden in plain sight while deciphering the underlying meaning of a speech given by Senator Harry Reid [D-NV] two days into the shutdown. "If you take every third letter of every fifth word of every other sentence, some of the letters can be used to spell 'no state is no more lie'!"

Many conspiracy theorists, unaccustomed to a world where their government isn't setting up a new world order or pretending that their leader is a true U.S. citizen, have already begun to use their considerable talents to discover conspiracies in unlikely places. Rickman, who works part time as a grocery bagger in Oxon Hill, has noticed that many of the traffic lights appear to be linked to some outside force, possibly lizard people, which affects how quickly red turns to green. "I don't now what is going on, but something is, and it's big. 9/11 big. People need to know!"

Friday, October 4, 2013

Point/Counterpoint: The Failing American Economy.....

The Economy is Doing Just Fine Folks

By Willingsby Chesterfield III
Chief Financial Officer of Unlock Your Car, Inc
Laguna, CA
Despite what many doom-and-gloom naysayers in the media want you to believe, the economy is doing pretty good considering the events that have taken place over the past few year. In fact, it's weathered the failure of the subprime market and weakening American dollar with grace and aplomb, and it won't bat an eyelash as this here government shutdown. Yes sir, the economy is doing just fine folks.

I like to think of the economy as a fine, full-figured gal with legs that go all the way up and more sass than you can shake a stick at. Sure she may be a little shy at first, but with just a little bit of sweet talk, maybe a glass of wine and a ride in my Dodge Stratus, she'll take good care of you. Don't give up on the girl, am I right?

I know what you're thinking sport. You've got a shovel in one hand and your nest egg in the other, ready to squirrel your hard earned cashola away somewhere safe. But it isn't safe, not in the ground. You've got to spend to save is what my pop used to say. So the next time some Joe Palooka starts telling you how bad the economy is, remember what old Willingsby told ya.

It's Getting Harder to Sell My Babies on eBay

By Wanda Hebert
Unemployed Beautician
Lake Charles, LA
I can remember the days when a woman could make a respectable living selling their babies on eBay. Now you can't barely get enough to keep the electric on and the water running. Times has changed.

Some people try to tell me that it's because people don't need no babies off of eBay anymore cause of this in the vitro fertilizing that they can do. I reckon if people were having ten, twenty babies at a time they wouldn't need to go buying no babies off of eBay. But I don't see people walking around with that many kids at the Walmart or at the Arby's.

No, I think that people just don't have the kind of money to spare in this economy. When you can't afford to buy smokes, how could you affort no babies off of eBay. Unless I lower my prices and I promised my dogs I wouldn't do that.