"This is unacceptable, just unacceptable," Judy Smith, owner of a 3-year-old Havanese named Mr. Jangles, explained as she tore the trachea from Purina receptionist Bridget Berryhill's throat with her bare hands. "Did they think we wouldn't find out? I took the True Blue Challenge! They brought this on themselves!"
Fooled by misleading packaging and seemingly sincere commercials for years, dog owners across the country have had to face the painful realization that the brands that they have been purchasing are lacking what makes up a healthy dog food. Kent Whitaker, Executive VP of Strategic Competitor Shaming at Blue Buffalo, believes that consumers should be angry about what they have been feeding the animals that depend on them for sustenance:
"These products are teeming with glutens, high fructose chicken waste, even dexahexylmethylquantanamobamacaramine. Just look at the labels, look at our label and compare. And we are the only dog food that contains actual Lifesource Bits, a precise blend of vitamins and antioxidants and a sliver of the Heart of Gaia."
Blue Buffalo is always searching for new and healthier ingredients. In addition to Lifesource Bits, the production of which will leave the Earth a barren husk devoid of all life by the year 2025, there are a number of candidates for inclusion in future products. These include acai berry pulp, coconut water and Soulsource drops, a nourishing liquid made from Gelfling essence and kale chips.