Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.
"We decided to finally approach the question of
haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal
evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project
Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in
electronic voice phenomena (EVP)."We were suprised to find out how widespread
this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting
A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by
designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. "The results of so many studies are
ignored because of closed-minded attacks on the methodology and I didn't want to
suffer the same fate." After using the standard paranormal investigation
randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to
identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two seperate but
equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters
within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP.
Team psychic and cyber-dowser
Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rod back and forth
over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was
visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of
the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved
recording sounds eminating from the remaining subjects abdomens and analyzing
them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After
this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three
out of four Americans have a haunted colon.
Sagemiller is now attempting
to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to
dwell in our large intestines. We just don't know what, if anything, they want
from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical
ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and painful
gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the
treatment of these conditions is already underway.