Monday, November 18, 2013

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler.....

The Health Patrol

with Mitch Rangler

This country is sick. Down deep sick, like when my dog had a worm in his brain and Pappy made me shoot him in the head because that's what men do. There is a festering boil on America's posterior and its name is the pharmaceutical industry. I'm here with a rusty pocket knife and a handful of crumpled up tissues, and I'm gonna do what men do cause I'm a man.

Hello, I'm Mitch Rangler. And this is the Health Patrol. What is the Health Patrol? Who is Mitch Rangler? I'm just a man who will expose the sordid underbelly of Big Pharma and closed-minded doctors who pump us so full of drugs and lies we don't know our own shit from a tin of Shinola. I'm the guy that going to bring you information that those Wall Street fat cats and Washington bureaucrats are afraid of. I'll tell you what's shit, and what you can rub on your shoes. That's who Mitch Rangler is!

Doctors Cover Up Effective Home Remedies for the Common Cold!

I never get colds. It's a fact. But when I do, I know just how to stop it and get back to work, like a man. Doctors say there's no cure for a cold. But if they told you the truth they would lose out on the billions of dollars spent on phony baloney cold treatments like drugs and antibiotics. For every prescription they write for a cold medicine, they get paid and you get sicker! 

Or could they just be ignorant? Could they really not know about the many natural cures for colds and flus? The kind that Big Pharma can't buy and sell on the Sick Market! They must not live in my kitchen! That's too bad because I'm serving sandwiches...knuckle sandwiches! And I like mine heavy on the knuckle and light on processed store bought mayonnaise. I wouldn't eat that crap with somebody else's mouth. 

My kitchen is full of cold killing natural health remedies:

Tapioca Pudding: Pudding alone has restorative properties, which is why it's a part of every meal at the Rangler house. But tapioca will hang that cold virus out to dry. It's a mystery where this wonder fruit even comes from, but studies have show that if you eat tapioca pudding you feel better.

Prunes: A lot of people say the worst thing about a cold is the stuffy nose or the sore throat. Those people are idiots, plain and simple. Prunes are all natural, full of vitamins and antioxidants, and they keep me running as regular and consistent as a soft serve ice cream dispenser at a Marlon Brando impersonator convention.

Liver and Onions: When I get a cold, I double my intake of liver and onions. That's like ten times the cold fighting power! Liver is full of protein for stamina and vigor, and onions are full of minerals. I once ate 5 pounds of the stuff at a Luby's in Waco and didn't get sick for 6 months!

Chicken Soup: Chicken soup has been used centuries to cure colds. And science, which I usually don't care much for, has proven that it induces cold fighting immune systems! And if you eat a bowl with liver and onions, and a side of tapioca, that cold will pack its bags and move into somebody else's body. Maybe even a democrat!

Garlic: Common household garlic is a great treatment for colds and flus and can prevent them in the first place. Raw garlic has antifungal, antibacterial and antiviral properties. I rub it on my feet every time I go to the gym. Research proved garlic boosts healing and the immune system. That's why Italians don't get colds.

So the next time you get a cold, or think you are about to get one, try these options before heading to the doctor. And if you do go, don't mention my name. They will probably send you packing because you know the score, friends!  

I'm Mitch Rangler, and this has been The Health Patrol!

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