Monday, December 30, 2013

Brarbara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2014.....

Psychic Predictions for the year 2014
By Brabara Bloodstone

World famous psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone
Every December people ask me, "Brabara, what's going to happen next year?" They know that because of my spiritual connections with ghosts, ancient Atlantean sorcerers, a robot from the 25th century and the vibrational fabric of reality, I am in tune with events yet to pass. Like in December of 2012 when I predicted that a bomb would go off in a major city somewhere in the world this year and that there would be heavy wind in some parts of the United States.

I'm tired of being bothered by people asking if they'll find a husband or get a job. I don't waste my amazing psychic abilities on such trivial matters. I focus on world changing events like natural disasters, assassinations, and major scientific breakthroughs. Like when I predicted the discovery of some kind of energy in space and the death of a celebrity.

I've spent the past week entirely focused on my predictions for 2014. Like trying to find a radio station while driving in the middle of nowhere, at times my vision of the future is clear and sometimes it's full of static. I don't promise 100% accuracy. My spirit guide may be from Andromeda VIII, but I am a simple human from the planet Earth. Here are my top twenty predictions:

1. Water is big in 2014. It's everywhere. I see large bodies of water all the way down to small puddles. Some people will be happy about it, and some people will be very upset. Thanks to a scientific breakthrough in Russia, water will become one of the most important substances on Earth and not just a mealtime beverage.
Water in a concrete lined hole in the ground

2. I see that at some point in 2014, probably during the middle or end of the year, but perhaps during the months of January through April, a previously unknown species of animal will be discovered. This animal will be unlike any animal every discovered in that it will have feelings and be as intelligent as humans.

3. Weather will be erratic, with long periods of the year being warm in many areas but then followed by lower temperatures. Some areas will have more consistent temperatures.

4. Florida will experience a massive earthquake, with half of the state slipping into the Gulf of Mexico and Atlantic ocean. Disney World will be relocated to low Earth orbit.
A Florida beach just prior to the cataclysmic event!

5. I am worried about guns. They may be involved in a number of shootings.

6. Police should watch trucks coming into major cities. They may contain spoiled fruit.
An old banana like this may be entering your town next year!

7. Taxes will be collected by the government, these taxes will be spent on a variety of things including infrastructure and healthcare. Some people will gripe about them while others will accept them as inevitable. Aliens.
Should aliens pay taxes?

8. A cure will be found for headaches, but it will cause back pain. People will agonize over the choice with some choosing the sweet release of death.

9. What is the deal with these e-cigarettes?
I just don't understand these things! 

10. Human stem cells will be implicated in a number of diseases. Congress will put legislation in place to ban stem cells and most of the human population will die trying to remove theirs.

11. Obesity.

12. Obama will announce that he will not run for re-election in 2016.

13. A fourth branch of government will be put in place late in the year. It will consist of randomly chosen citizens.

14. Gay marriage will be legalized in another ten states, with 2 of these making it mandatory.

15. People will return to the Catholic church because of its softer stance on homosexuality, birth control and abortion. Bigfoot.
On his way to a compulsory gay wedding?

16. More people will have their pets spayed or neutered when an over-the-counter kit is released in mid-June.

17.  Global warming.

18. Biblical scholars will reveal exciting new information regarding God's last name. It's Jenkins.

19. In April, the iPad Neuro, which hooks directly into the owner's neuroendocrine system, will hit store shelves. Designed to fully integrate itself into the host, rendering clumsy scroll wheels and distracting free will obsolete, the Neuro will eventually come to control the function of other organs. By November, over half of the American population will be "plugged in" to Apple's Neurointegration Network, known as iLife, where they will receive daily instructions and be able to purchase food, water, and more time.

20. Celebrity deaths.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Spontaneous Human Combustion Now a Chronic Condition?.....

Stockholm, Sweden- Researchers at the prestigious Swedish Institute of Modern Hyperdilutional Therapeutics have announced a breakthrough in the diagnosis and management of spontaneous human combustion (SHC), a condition long considered to be undetectable and incurable.

"SHC patients typically are only identified after a pile of greasy ash and singed hands and feet are discovered by a landlord or family member," lead researcher Scorch Magnusson explained. "But with our recent advances in screening for SHC, and prophylactic hyperdilutional therapy, people don't need to live in fear of erupting into flames anymore."

Until now the possibility of developing spontaneous human combustion, a condition which many experts believe originated in Africa when spontaneous simian combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans while training chimpanzees to participate in early NASA suborbital flight missions, has deserved its terrifying reputation. Unlucky sufferers are often simply unwinding with a bottle of liquor and a cigarette after a long day. Adding to the mystery and suspense is the fact that there has never been a witnessed case, which has helped lead to a variety of unproven etiological hypotheses such as ball lightning or a new subatomic particle.

After more than a year of intensive research and testing, Magnusson and his colleagues developed a screening test for SHC. According to Magnusson, the test consists of a panel of fifty questions and takes family history, environmental exposures, diet and a number of other factors into account. But identifying who is at risk is only half the battle.

The team also formulated a cocktail of plant and animal parts with the intent of preventing SHC events in high risk patients. Mangusson, who was unwilling to reveal any of the ingredients, wasn't shy about touting their success and pointing out the obvious implications. "We are taking people, usually the elderly or infirm, who at any moment, though usually when smoking alone while sedated from the use of drugs or alcohol, might have literally melted to death and we are giving them their lives back. And as long as they continue the preventive treatment, we expect them to live long enough to die of something much less cancer."

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Strange New Teen Diet Fad Sweeping the Nation.....

Atlanta, GA- The CDC has issued a report aimed at increasing awareness of a new diet fad, known as strafing, that is increasingly common among teenagers looking to lose weight.

"Strafing is an approach to dieting that minimizes caloric intake and, in the still developing mind of an adolescent, enhances the act of eating by incorporating an element of challenge and in some cases even risk," pediatric endocrinologist and nutrition expert Mort Fishman explained. "Participants in strafing stand anywhere from a few to several feet apart and attempt to throw food into each other's mouth. It's quite messy and very little food is actually consumed."

Some experts, like child psychologist Yerma Brownbeck, are more optimistic. They point to the fact that strafing requires interaction with peers in a world where most teens, although connected by a variety of social media outlets, have become more physically isolated than in any previous generation. "Strafing typically requires more than one person, so it may be a great means of encouraging healthy socialization and physical activity, but there have been reports of solo-strafing. So far these are sad and unsubstantiated." 

The American Academy of Pediatrics, a group dedicated to the health and well-being of children, has raised concerns about the risk of choking inherent in strafing. Seven deaths have already been attributed to the fad, although the official causes of death have not been released by authorities at this time. If accurate, and taking into account the surge in popularity after reports that Miley Cyrus was recently seen strafing in a London nightclub, the number of fatalities may be on the rise.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Daniel Tosh Invited to Join Next Chinese Space Mission.....

Beijing, China- In a surprising move by the Chinese National Space Administration, American comedian Daniel Tosh has been invited to take part in Project 921-2, specifically as part of a crew of taikonauts scheduled to dock with China's Tiangong-2 space laboratory sometime before 2015.

“This represents the next phase of our ongoing effort,” said Zhang Xiaoguang, lead shuttle flight director for the mission. “Our ultimate goal is to be able to realize the full capability of the Chinese space program, and establish a permanent and fully functional low orbit research facility."

Tosh, who is known for a controversial style of comedy that is often intentionally racist, sexist and homophobic, coincidentally graduated from Astronaut High School near Kennedy Space Center. In preparation, he will be undergoing several months of intensive training prior to the launch date, which has yet to be released. Taikonaut Wang Yaping, who has been assigned the task of preparing Tosh for the mission, is excited about the opportunity to work with the 38-year old star of Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. "My role as engineer will be to oversee the connection between our shuttle and the Tiangong-2 as well as ensuring that Mr. Tosh be placed into a capsule and launched directly into the Sun."

Friday, December 20, 2013

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences and assisting our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Grizzly Bears Bounce Back From Near Extinction, Find Jobs.....

Kalispell, MT-Despite being listed as near extinction for over three decades, and widely considered to be unemployable by a large percentage of Americans, the grizzly bear has may be mounting a surprising comeback according to the results of a $4.8 million, five-year study by the U.S. Geological Survey.

"Our preliminary estimate shows approximately 765 bears in northwestern Montana alone," explained lead researcher Katherine Kendall. "There have been some huge investments of time and money towards this recovery, and legislation that restricts hunting and development into grizzly habitats have helped immensely, but a large amount of the credit belongs to the work done to help integrate them into society."

5 years ago, ursine social worker Jonel Thaller took on the arduous task of finding jobs and accommodations for hundreds of grizzly bears in Kalispell, which is the closest city to Glacier National Park. Years of strained human-bear relations, and a reputation of having anger management difficulties, have made it exceedingly difficult for these majestic beasts to find employment, especially in densely populated areas. But last year, after fast food giant McDonald's became the first of several eateries to relax their restrictions on hiring bears, things finally began to look up. 

"It's been a long and difficult road to get where we are today," Thaller revealed. "But finally people are beginning to see that the grizzly bear, if properly medicated and in the presence of armed professionals at all times, can make a positive impact on the service industry. Interesting fact about these noble beasts is that the correct wording for more than one of them is grizzlies bear, not grizzly bears."

Thaller, who touches base with restaurant managers on a daily basis for updates on her clients, says that the bears have led to big improvements in food quality and customer satisfaction. "Complaints are down, wait times are noticeably shorter, and even former problem human employee are shaping up when grizzlies are allowed to do what they do best, which is interacting with people and food in enclosed spaces." But Thaller points out that their success might not last forever. "All it would take is for one bear to devour a family for this to fall apart."

Monday, December 16, 2013

Klassic Knudsen: October 17th, 2007.....

In honor of Sylvia Browne 1936-2013

Sylvia Browne's "The Next 100 Years of Breakfast" Predictions Released

Campbell, CA-At last, Sylvia Browne's long awaited list of psychic predictions for the next 100 years, this time involving all things breakfast related, was published today in her popular newsletter, the Sylvia Browne Newsletter.

Since the year 2000, when Browne released her inexplicably accurate list of 40 general predictions for the next 100 years, including such revelations as "Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and green and lavender lights." and "There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek Senate structure.", she has continued to produce lists of even more amazing predictions in order to better fill in the gaps in our knowledge of the future. Her previous list of predictions, "The Next 100 Years of Electronics", sent shock waves through Wall Street as investors scrambled to dump stocks of future losers. Her list of breakfast predictions also stands poised to rock the very foundations of our modern society:

1. By 2015, breakfast will be eaten almost entirely with a fork, even cereal, but cereal will be the new word for eggs. Cereal will no longer be eaten because of the discovered toxic effects of genetically modified crops.

2. The Trix Rabbit will obtain a box of the coveted cereal which shares his name by clandestine means in early 2019 only to have it snatched away by a group of unruly children. Their demise at his hands, which will forever be known as the Murdery Massacre, will be the first step on a long and winding road to the electric chair.

3. At the age of 57 in 2030, Dig 'Em Frog will finally decide to escape the shackles of type casting and move to the Broadway stage. He will eventually star in a revival of "A Chorus Line" as Gregory but first he will legally change his name to Dig Them to symbolize his new found maturity.

4. A clinically depressed Tony the Tiger will lose much of his fan base when he abruptly changes his slogan to "They're Fi-i-ne I guess if you like that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter because we are all going to die anyway!"

5. After a bitter feud lasting several decades, Count Chocula and Franken Berry will reconcile and reunite in 2053, forming a Bobby Brown cover band. Senator Brown, whose brain will have been uploaded into the Internet will successfully sue the duo for royalties from their popular albums.

6. Emerging from the closet in the year 2065, now openly gay Crackle! will be forced out by born again Evangelical Christians Snap! and Pop!. Crackle will join with Bang! and Whack! to back a new breakfast cereal for gays. Snap! and Pop! will ascend to Heaven during The Rapture, which will take place in 2090 as opposed to 2091 due to a clerical error. They will be disappointed to learn that Heaven has been bought by Microsoft and renamed The Holy Vista version 1.0.

7. Finally succumbing to his lifelong love of Super Sugar Crisp cereal, Sugar Bear will suffer his third and final heart attack in 2095. Having lost both legs to diabetes years earlier, Sugar Bear had been spending his time as unlikely first mate to Horatio Magellan Crunch who had resigned from the Navy to shrimp the New Gulf of Mexico, which is the same as the old Gulf of Mexico really but there will be this whole attempt to improve its image that won't really work that well because of the toxic jellyfish infestation.

8. King Vitamin will assume the position of Supreme Overlord of the Earth in 2098. His reign will last one day as he will die in a tragic accident secondary to an innocent misunderstanding. His last words will be "Not me! The cereal!"

9. I see nothing past 2099. This perhaps means that the end of all existence occurs during that year, or maybe just the end of breakfast.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Elf on the Shelf Only Witness to Horrific Double Homicide.....

Strang, NE- When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time was of the essence. Every minute that passed without finding missing 3-year-old Gert McDonald decreased the likelihood that he would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, as was the search for the kidnapped toddler.

For several days that search came up empty, until investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time. They were shocked to discover that they had missed one very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf. 
"We knew the rules going into the interrogation," Lead investigator Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gert still missing!"

But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. "We tried everything we could think of, even advanced techniques like hot cocoa boarding." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there. Another mysterious aspect to this troubling case.

With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gert and solving his parent's murders. Elves on Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. Billings is counting on this. "If that little spying bastard told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

Thursday, December 12, 2013

American Academy of Pediatrics Releases New Guidelines on Corporal Punishment.....

Elk Grove Village, IL – The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the primary professional organization responsible for establishing pediatric healthcare standards, has finally released updated recommendations on dosing of infantile spanking (IS) and corporal punishment (CP) in children.
“This represents a huge step forward for pediatricians and parents,” Head of Disciplinary Pediatrics at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Dr. Mort Fishman explained. “Until now, parents have had to call the pediatrician, make an appointment and travel to the office sometimes hours to days after the undesired behavior has occurred. Or they visit urgent care facilities and emergency departments. Sometimes they just wing it.”
It is this “winging it” by many parents that has concerned pediatric medical professionals for decades. Since the discovery of CP almost accidentally in the 1930s when a Harvard researcher inadvertently dropped a heavy glass beaker on the head of a stubborn lab assistant, a number of children have overdosed. Some have suffered permanent injury. A few have even died. Researchers have long blamed the lack of pediatric guidelines and inappropriate extrapolation of adult dosing, shouting out the oft repeated axiom that kids are not simply smaller adults. Recent studies have even revealed an alarming upward trend in the inappropriate use of home corporal punishment.
The usual suspects are frequently mentioned by pediatricians, researchers and public officials. “Anybody can publish anything on the internet,” Fishman, who co-authored the AAP paper, adds. “There are literally thousands of websites offering up unproven techniques, inconsistent dosing, and pseudoscientific mechanisms of action.”
Parent groups have also become a loud voice in the discussion of pediatric corporal punishment over the past several years, calling for more research and for guidelines for home use. Members of such organizations as Mother’s Against Time Out and the more influential National Spanking Society have raised awareness and millions of dollars with 5K running races, bake sales and van-based mobile spank clinics. Many pediatricians are giving credit to these groups for speaking out on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves, and for pushing the AAP to act.
Dr. Fishman and the AAP hope that the new guidelines will help pediatric healthcare professionals to not only appropriately dose corporal punishment, but to better educate parents and other caregivers such as teachers, daycare workers and babysitters. As stated in the paper’s conclusion, “Empowered and educated caregivers can now confidently dole out safe and effective corporal punishment in a timely fashion without the need to clog up an already overburdened medical system.”
So are the new infantile spanking and corporal punishment guidelines useful for parents as well as pediatricians? They couldn’t be simpler according to Matt Stevens, a mechanical engineer and parent of 3 young children, one of which is kind of a jerk. “When one of my kids talks back or forgets to do a chore, usually Matty Jr., we have a handy flow chart taped to the wall by the fridge. After a few calculations, I know just how hard to smack him.”
But the responses to the new guidelines are not all positive. A vocal minority of pediatricians are raising concerns over the ability for caregivers without medical training to decipher the recommendations. Dr. Percival Boudreaux, academic pediatric hospitalist and discipline researcher, is one of the more prominent voices of opposition. “Is Timmy just being sassy or is he exhibiting stage 3 lollygagging? Is he a smart aleck or a wisenheimer? I trained in pediatrics for almost ten years and sometimes I can’t tell the difference!”

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Point/Counterpoint: Is Helicopter Parenting Delaying the Transition to Adulthood....

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL

Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Deepak Chopra Endorses New Line of Steam and Serve Meals.....

San Diego, CA- Following in the footsteps of other self help and actualization gurus, Deepak Chopra has announced his endorsement of a low calorie line of steam and serve snacks and entrees.

"Around the still point of the present moment galaxies evolve, the universe expands," Chopra revealed during a press conference held on the lavishly landscaped grounds of the Omni La Costa Resort and Spa where the Chopra Center is located. "The point of arrival is now. There is never a time that is not now. Cosmic consciousness."

Chopra's reasonably portioned meals, all made with high quality organic ingredients are vegan, gluten free and kosher. In addition, each individual meal was prepared and packaged by a mother who is actively breastfeeding a child being carried in an authentic Chinese Mei Tai. Chopra, who personally oversaw the development of this product, is confident that these meals will appeal to today's savvy consumers and stand out in an already overcrowded marketplace. "We experience the contents of our consciousness as the world. We are not in the world, the world is in us. Only pure awareness is creative."

Just a handful of choices will be available initially, but Chopra announced that more options will be on store shelves, or available for purchase from his website, over the next few months. According to the world renowned former endocrinologist, there will eventually be over 30 different meals. "Your brain is the observation deck for the universe to see itself. Nothing does not exist. It is full of activity. Quantum vacuum, plenum, fullness, virtual particles."

What is Chopra's favorite selection? The alternative health expert and author of over 50 books says he loves them all, or else he wouldn't have approved them. "What appears to us as the unpredictable movement of atoms ends up manufacturing a universe with mind and life. Every addiction is to a thought. The ticket to freedom is in the gap between thoughts. Also I really enjoy the oatmeal with apples and cinnamon."

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dial Corporation to Market All Natural Holistic Underarm Deodorant.....

Scottsdale, AZ- Attempting to take advantage of the growing trend among consumers towards all natural products, the Dial Corporation's Right Guard brand is releasing a new formulation of underarm deodorant that should appeal to consumers who are concerned about toxic chemicals and who desire a product that takes a more holistic approach to personal hygiene.

"This is like nothing we've ever done before," Henkel AG & Company CEO Kasper Rorsted explained. "Right Guard Vortex is based on no science whatsoever. In fact, we very purposefully avoided the involvement of anybody with even a remote understanding of the biochemical processes that lead to underarm odor. Being based in Arizona, this wasn't really very hard to do."

Right Guard Vortex doesn't contain any synthetic chemicals. In fact, there are no conventional deodorants or antiperspirants at all. It works by combining a number of powerful and ancient approaches to preventing odor, some of which have been around for thousands of years. According to the manufacturer, the following techniques and ingredients are involved:

1. Each and every batch of Right Guard Vortex is blessed by a Native American shaman.
2. Rare Earth magnets are incorporated into product packaging, helping to stabilize electron spin and intrinsic angular momentum energy, ensuring unaffected quality while sitting on store shelves for long periods.
3. Pulverized green apophyllite and serpentine crystals are incorporated into the product's gelatinous matrix. These remove toxins from the body that lead to underarm odor and help create a healing environment.
4. Anti-odor quantum nanoparticles developed in Europe by NASA, and previously unavailable without a prescription, seek out odor particles and neutralize them.
5. Each applicator is made in the exact relative dimensions of the Egyptian pyramids. This facilitates the users tuning into cosmic energy radiating from an advanced and high-ranking spiritual entity. Once connected, knowledge of the true constitution and workings of human existence will be transferred.

According to Rorsted, Right Guard Vortex will sell for about $399 for a one month supply of applicators, making it the most expensive underarm deodorant on the market by hundreds of dollars. But he isn't worried about sales. "Yeah, people will totally buy this crap."