Scottsdale, AZ- Attempting to take advantage of the growing trend among consumers towards all natural products, the Dial Corporation's Right Guard brand is releasing a new formulation of underarm deodorant that should appeal to consumers who are concerned about toxic chemicals and who desire a product that takes a more holistic approach to personal hygiene.
"This is like nothing we've ever done before," Henkel AG & Company CEO Kasper Rorsted explained. "Right Guard Vortex is based on no science whatsoever. In fact, we very purposefully avoided the involvement of anybody with even a remote understanding of the biochemical processes that lead to underarm odor. Being based in Arizona, this wasn't really very hard to do."
Right Guard Vortex doesn't contain any synthetic chemicals. In fact, there are no conventional deodorants or antiperspirants at all. It works by combining a number of powerful and ancient approaches to preventing odor, some of which have been around for thousands of years. According to the manufacturer, the following techniques and ingredients are involved:
1. Each and every batch of Right Guard Vortex is blessed by a Native American shaman.
2. Rare Earth magnets are incorporated into product packaging, helping to stabilize electron spin and intrinsic angular momentum energy, ensuring unaffected quality while sitting on store shelves for long periods.
3. Pulverized green apophyllite and serpentine crystals are incorporated into the product's gelatinous matrix. These remove toxins from the body that lead to underarm odor and help create a healing environment.
4. Anti-odor quantum nanoparticles developed in Europe by NASA, and previously unavailable without a prescription, seek out odor particles and neutralize them.
5. Each applicator is made in the exact relative dimensions of the Egyptian pyramids. This facilitates the users tuning into cosmic energy radiating from an advanced and high-ranking spiritual entity. Once connected, knowledge of the true constitution and workings of human existence will be transferred.
According to Rorsted, Right Guard Vortex will sell for about $399 for a one month supply of applicators, making it the most expensive underarm deodorant on the market by hundreds of dollars. But he isn't worried about sales. "Yeah, people will totally buy this crap."