Natural Therapies Are the Safest and Most Effective Means of Achieving True Health!
by Mitch Rangler
The Health Patrol (@TheHealthPatrol)
There's no doubt about it folks. Plants and animal parts hold the key to true health, and not a bottle filled with synthetic chemicals cooked up in some ivory tower laboratory in "San Francisco". Now I didn't go to college or a fancy Ivory League medical academy, and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. It was placed there to keep my tongue from blocking my air tube. I didn't need science then, and still don't need it now. In fact, I've worked my keister off for the past 60 years perfecting the scientific art of Nutritionology.
How do I know it works?
1. I've seen it work. Literally many times!
2. Lots of people use it. If it didn't work, people would just throw it out like yesterdays newspaper!
3. Really smart people recommend it. I'm smart and I recommend it!
4. Doctors and "modern medicine" can't cure everything and their drugs and surgeries aren't risk free. Trust your gut!
5. It's simple and easy to understand. The best solutions sometimes are!
Still not convinced? Well maybe a study performed in Europe will convince you. They took one hundred people and gave them a free coupon for a certified Nutritionology evaluation and treatment plan. Of the subjects that used the coupon and returned the survey one month later, more than half were happy with their health. But you won't see this on the cover of Time magazine. Why? Because Big Pharma controls the media. If you're healthy, they don't make money. I make money because you're healthy!
Now Where Did I Put that Vial of Weaponized Smallpox?
by Maximus VII
Supreme Overlord of the Medical Industrial Complex
When I placed the head of Maximus VI on a spike outside the headquarters of the CDC in Atlanta, I wasn't just making an example of those who would defy me. I was also showing the weak and impotent that there truly is no point in resisting. By removing all hope, I give you purpose. And that purpose is purchasing over-the-counter decongestants and bringing your sniveling brats to an emergency department so a highly trained doctor capable of restarting a heart can diagnose their mild ear infection and constipation.
Listen. Medicine isn't perfect. It actually kills a lot of people, some of which would make excellent prey for my genetically modified Broccosaurus. It's a mutant strain of cruciferous vegetable that I keep chained underneath the White House. But medicine helps more than it hurts. Trust me, If modern pharmaceutical agents and my physician minions batted a thousand, you wouldn't like it. It's the circle of life.