Friday, February 28, 2014

80's TV Fan Convention Erupts Into Spontaneous Scientific Conference.....

Los Angeles, CA- All it took was a simple question from a fan to turn the 2014 VH1 I Love the 80's Fan Convention, held last weekend in the Westin Los Angeles Airport Hotel's Grand Ballroom, into a scientific conference where a variety of topics from the safety and efficacy of childhood vaccines to advanced astrophysics were discussed by television stars from the "me decade".

"I was standing in line for the Charles in Charge table when somebody asked Scott Baio about global climate change," explained convention attendee Marshetta Wallace. "And then it just took off from there like a chain reaction. Who knew the stars of the 80's had such a breadth and depth of knowledge in so many scientific fields!"

Knight Rider star David Hasselhoff, shown here discussing the 2014 ACC/AHA guidelines for the use of cholesterol lowering medications with random people on the street

Highlights of the convention, in addition to the impromptu Baio-Aames debate on mankind's impact on rising global temperatures, included a plenary session on the role of childhood vaccines as a potential cause of autism which was moderated by the cast of T.J. Hooker. Adrian Zmed, a star of the show also well-known for his role in Grease 2 and a 2012 paper on the possible use of organic acids as potential biomarkers in the urine of autistic children, also weighed in on the effects of gravitation lensing on the cosmic microwave background. There was also a guy who solved a Rubik's Cube with his feet.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Louisiana Senate to Debate Proposal that Allows Some Businesses to Refuse Gay Dogs.....

Baton Rouge, LA- Democrats and Republicans in the Louisiana Senate are set to debate a controversial proposal today that would allow owners of animal grooming businesses to refuse services to gay dogs.

A Louisiana Catahoula Leopard dog puppy prior to choosing to be gay

"I believe that the Bible should dictate how we groom animals," local Christian dog groomer Ventress Witherspoon explained. "The Bible reveals God's wisdom with all things, be they how short to clip a Havanese, how often to express anal glands, and how gay dogs can just stay at home where they belong."

This is not the only law being discussed during the current legislative session that is raising concerns among the state's more liberal demographic. Louisiana gay human Max Remingsteele III, one of almost a hundred gay humans in the state, is worried that religious conservatives are trying to take animal rights back over a quarter century:
"It isn't just about gay dogs. Gay possums, alligators, grass snakes and pelicans all face potential hardships should the current slate of anti-gay animal bills reach Governor Bobby Jindal's desk for signature. And that goofball will sign anything." 
Also being debated during the coming weeks are bills that would put restrictions on gay cat adoptions and force pet owners to obtain special gay animal tags. Special walking times for gay dogs would also be enforced. Furthermore, owners would be required to carry a large sign while walking their gay dog that warns any nearby parents to keep their children at least one hundred feet away to avoid any accidental exposure to gay stuff.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Kinesio Tape Restarts Heart During Disney Half Marathon.....

Orlando, FL- Participants in the 2014 Disney Princess Half Marathon, which was held on February 23rd and took runners on a whimsical course through Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, witnessed a miracle of modern physiotherapy when an application of a popular brand of elastic therapeutic tape restarted the heart of an 81-year-old man.

"I've never seen anything like it before," cardiologist and runner Dr. Mort Fishman explained. "I was right there. One minute the man was pulseless, the next he was finishing the race covered in pink and lavender strips of elastic tape! It looked like some kind of futuristic war paint."

Kinesio Tape comes in pretty colors!
Use of Kinesio Tape, the most popular brand of therapeutic elastic tape currently on the market, has become increasingly prevalent over the past few years. Many high level athletes, even those competing in the Olympics, can frequently be seen with various body parts covered in strategically placed strips of multicolored tape. Typically the tape is applied to help correct the alignment of weak muscles and to facilitate joint motion as the tape stretches and recoils.

Some proponents claim that properly applied Kinesio Tape also increases blood flow and the circulation of lymphatic fluid, and limits pressure on pain receptors in the tissue. They believe that this decreases swelling, flushes away lactic acid and reduces the pain of sore muscles. But this is the first reported case of the product restoring electrical activity to a lifeless heart.

A few closed-minded skeptics, like David Gorski, who may or may not be a medical doctor, refuse to even entertain the possibility that Kinesio Tape could restart a man's heart. "It's literally impossible. It would violate everything we know about human physiology and adhesive technology!" But arguments from ignorance like these from people with uncertain credentials won't convince Maynard Jones, the man whose life was saved by Kinesio Tape near the marker for mile ten, and the many thousands of men and women who have benefited from its use in other ways.

"I remember a sharp pain in my chest and then waking up with my chest nearly completely covered in tape," Jones revealed. "It felt good and I thought I could finish the race. I'm just grateful that so many of the other runners were covered in the stuff and didn't mind sharing. If this stuff could bring me back from the dead, just imagine what else it could do!"

Monday, February 17, 2014

American Spine Association to Begin Offering Basic Subluxation Support Classes.....

Retired rodeo clown Moyce Evans practicing a basic subluxation support maneuver on a classmate
A 57-year-old man shoveling snow suddenly starts complaining of chronic Lyme disease, back pain, headaches and low testosterone just as you walk by. While shopping at a local mall, you overhear a mother complaining about her baby's gluten intolerance. While on a flight to Las Vegas, a woman experiences adrenal fatigue and the stewardess asks if there is a chiropractor on board the plane. 

What these people all have in common is a chiropractic subluxation of the spine. A subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health. Experts of the spine known as chiropractors undergo rigorous training in diagnosing and treating subluxations, which are potentially life threatening and can be found in virtually 100% of the population. Many are found in a dormant stage in seemingly asymptomatic individuals.

Historically, people with symptomatic subluxations have had to call and make an appointment to see a chiropractor, sometimes having to wait until later that afternoon or even the next day to be evaluated and receive treatment. But anecdotal experience compiled over the years since the discovery of chiropractic by Daniel David Palmer in 1895 has revealed that the sooner a patient is seen, and an appropriate course of spinal manipulation initiated, the better the outcome. Acting during the so called golden hour of subluxation management can mean the difference between a month of biweekly adjustments followed by lifetime maintenance adjustments, and 2 months of weekly adjustments followed by lifetime maintenance adjustments. 

In response to the clear need for more immediate assistance to be available for subluxation emergencies, the American Spine Association has developed a Basic Subluxation Support (BSS) course for the public. The American Spine Association is the nation's oldest organization devoted to spinal health through the diagnosis and correction of subluxations. Their BSS program delivers more than simply an algorithm for stabilizing a subluxation until more advanced chiropractic intervention can be arranged. It offers hope. 

The key to success for the BSS program will be increasing public awareness of how vital early spinal adjustments can be during subluxation emergencies, but also improving access to an activator. An activator is a handheld spring-loaded device that allows the targeted application of force to individual vertebral bodies. These low force adjustments can adjust the spine without causing injury.

An activator, shown here being used by a bystander on an infant with colic at an Olive Garden
The mission of the American Spine Association's BSS program is to reduce disability and death from spinal subluxation emergencies by improving the chain of manipulation in every community and health care system. Their goal is to increase the quality and timeliness of activator use, identify and expand training, document outcomes and improve effectiveness. This can be best conceptualized as interlocking pieces of a puzzle, with each piece necessary for visualizing the big picture, but not sufficient on its own.

The 5 pieces of the puzzle are

1. Immediate recognition of a subluxation
2. Early implementation of simple chiropractic adjustment techniques
3. Rapid use of an activator
4. Effective advanced subluxation support
5. Integrated post-adjustment care consisting of advanced acute and maintenance chiropractic adjustments

A completed puzzle can improve outcomes and reduce the likelihood of long term disabilities related to spinal subluxations.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Louisiana Chiropractors Now Licensed to Perform Death Investigations.....

Baton Rouge, LA- After a surprising victory in the Louisiana Supreme Court last year which removed the requirement of a medical degree, specially trained and licensed chiropractors are now clear to serve as a Parish coroner.

"The education that a chiropractor receives is equivalent if not superior to the typical medical school curriculum," East Baton Rouge Parish Coroner candidate Frank Grimes DC explained. "We undergo thousands of hours of training in physiology, biochemistry and pathology, and we log more clinical hours than most medical doctors prior to graduation."

The role of the coroner in death investigations is well known, but in Louisiana this elected official is also involved in the examination of alleged sexual assault victims and mental health determinations. The benefit of having a chiropractor serve as coroner is clear to Dr. Grimes:

"Only a licensed chiropractor who has gone through the Louisiana Chiropractic Association (LCA) Coroner diplomate course can determine the role that spinal subluxations may have played in a murder or rape. And we are adequately trained to determine the need for an individual to receive emergency psychiatric services, whether they consist of inpatient treatment or correction of any spinal misalignment or nutritional deficiencies."
The year long LCA Coroner diplomate course consists of 12 weekend didactic sessions followed by a 2 part online examination. Participants are also required to keep a journal and to submit an essay on "Why I Want to Be a Coroner". The winning essays are put on display in the lobby of the Louisiana State Capital building during Chiropractic Awareness Month every October. They also take a field trip to the county morgue in Ruston, Louisiana.

Dr. Grimes is currently offering a coupon for a free spinal exam and nutritional consultation, valued at $159, to family members of any murder or rape victims who were murdered or raped before the elections on November 3rd, 2015.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Traditional Chinese Medical Scientists Baffled by Man Born Without Meridians.....

Natick, MA- Traditional Chinese medical scientists flown in by the United States Government remain baffled by the recent discovery of Rab Garrett, a resident of Natick apparently born without meridians.

"This is unexplored territory and we don't exactly know what to make of this finding," explained Dr. Chulong Xue, head of qi dynamics for the United States Task Force on Traditional Chinese Medicine, which is headquartered in San Francisco. "But you may be certain that we will employ the full force of our scientific might in deciphering this mystery. For this man may be the key to our salvation, or a sign of our impending doom."

Xue and his team of researchers, which consists of some of the brightest minds in traditional Chinese medicine, have already come up with an intriguing hypothesis. After spending several hours examining Garrett's tongue and pulses for clues, they have gone so far as to request that he be placed in quarantine and kept under strict surveillance at all times. "He lacks the normal conduits for qi, or life energy, to flow, yet still maintains form and function. This can only mean one thing. Mr. Garrett is a Chinese hopping vampire, or jiangshi, and if allowed the chance he would absorb the qi of every last creature on Earth."

Monday, February 10, 2014

More Disturbing News About Conditions in Sochi.....

Sochi, Russia- As the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics stumble along, a steady stream of scathing reports and embarrassing photographs are making their way around the globe, revealing numerous problems with hotels and athletic venues. The latest news involves members of the United States Olympic treadmill team complaining of ramshackle equipment, the absence of appropriate practice facilities, and a seemingly complete lack of awareness of their events. Despite all 15 treadmill based events having already been completed, NBC has yet to even mention the newly added sport.

"I trained for 5 years to have the opportunity to represent my country in the Olympics." American Olympic team member Ashlie Stevenson, winner of the gold medal in the grueling 30-minute-long 8.0 mph run on a 5.0% incline event, explained. Her win in this event, referred to in competitive treadmill parlance as an "8 and 5", was the first for the United States but it was not shown on television. "We didn't expect to be competing in the Winter Olympics," Stevenson further revealed. "Honestly, it didn't make a whole lot of sense but the IOC said it was a better fit since treadmills are more popular when it's cold and snowing outside. So we're here, and we expected better."

American treadmill team captain Ace Anderson, bronze medal winner in the 15 minute backwards 5 and 10, is shown here competing in a qualifying heat
While the treadmill venue used for the actual competitions has been deemed adequate, having greater than 50% wall coverage with floor to ceiling mirrors and 3 randomly placed partially functional 5-feet-tall rusted metal floor fans, many of the complaints being voiced by members of the United States treadmill team have focused on the lack of appropriate practice or warm-up treadmills. Team captain Ace Anderson, who won bronze in the 15 minute backwards 5 and 10, compared the facilities to a third world country where the treadmills don't even have cup holders.

United States Olympic treadmill team practice and warm-up area
But not every aspect of the Sochi games have been negative for the treadmill team from the United States. According to Anderson, one of the best parts has been meeting other athletes from around the world and having the opportunity to serve as an ambassador for the sport. "It's a new event and people have a lot of questions. How do you know who wins is probably the most common, but also why. They ask why a lot. But after I explain the costumes and the judging, they get it."

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Competitive Eating Contest Ends in Tragedy, Fulfills Ancient Prophecy.....

Floral City, FL- Floral City's popular conch fritter eating contest, held during their annual Winter Wildflower Festival, ended in tragedy today as 57-year-old winner Murf Lewith died on stage while accepting the first place trophy and gift certificate for a complementary endless salad bar at Ruby Tuesday.

"Murf was a local legend," Floral City resident Angela Burtscamp explained. "He was real popular and always had a smile on his face. How many he'd ate again? 48? Murf sure loved them things! It's how he always said he wanted to go too. With a belly full of conch fritters."

Mort Fishman MD, a local family practitioner who supervised the eating contest said that Mr. Lewith, who worked as a part time birthday clown, was unable to be resuscitated. "I did what I could but it was just Murf's time. He lived a good life and he made children laugh. And he won that contest fair. That's his legacy I reckon."

In response to the tragic death of Mr. Lewith, the Floral City Council of Elders called what was only the third emergency session since the town was first surveyed in 1883 by Senator Austin S. Mann and a magical talking gopher tortoise, as the story goes. The first session, held during World War I, addressed the loss of the phosphorous mining industry in Floral City while a 1986 meeting involved making a blood pact with the demon Andrealphus. This pact, which would ultimately lead to the popularity of the Winter Wildflower Festival, thus saving the town from bankruptcy, required the future sacrifice of one of their own.

The Elders, who have led the people of Floral City for over a century, have decreed that the following safety measures be put into place during future competitive conch fritter eating contests:

1. All participants shall undergo a complete physical exam prior to the contest. This shall include an EKG, echocardiogram, and full complement of labs.
2. All participants shall only be allowed to consume up to 20 conch fritters.
3. Participants shall be required to take breaks from eating that last no less than 5 minutes and occur no less frequent than twice per thirty minute period.
5. There will be a full stoppage of eating at one hour into the competition so that each participant can undergo a complete physical exam, EKG and echocardiogram.
6. The winner of the conch fritter eating competition shall be decided by quality rather than quantity.

It is expected that these measures will bankrupt the town, thus fulfilling the prophecy of Andrealphus.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Children's Conference Explores Question of Spontaneous Younger Siblings.....

Washington, D.C.- On Saturday February 8th, a group of older brothers and sisters will convene in Washington to work on achieving a consensus on the question of not just where babies come from, but how children across the country can unite to better prevent the development of younger siblings.

"As with most questions of this nature, such as the origin and transmission of cooties, the answer is turning out to be extremely complex," Jake Swanson,10-year-old conference coordinator and older brother of Ike Swanson, explained. "Where do babies come from and what mechanisms can we put in place to prevent their seemingly random appearance and the subsequent negative impact on our lives? This concept has troubled children our age for as long as we can remember, which is roughly three to seven years."

Saturday's program will begin at 8 a.m. with a pancake and XBOX/Princess and Ponies breakfast. Several discussions will be held during the day which will range from historical theories on spontaneous younger siblings to recent advances in school age understanding of why mommy and daddy don't have as much time to play anymore. The event is open to oddly advanced 5-year-old through socially delayed 13-year-old children and will be held at the National Academy of Sciences at 2101 Constitution Avenue NW.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Picked up for Another Season.....

Brabara Bloodstone
Host of the E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker
The E! Science Channel announced today that its critically acclaimed reality program Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker has been picked up for another season, thanks in large part to a letter campaign organized by hardcore fans of the show.

"We could not be more proud of the impact the show has had on viewers," NBCUniversal President and CEO Steve Burke explained. "Numbers are important, but they don't always reveal the big picture. The ratings aren't there yet but clearly the show has found a niche. They deserve a chance to grow their audience."

Celebrity Ghost Matchmaker, which airs in the Sunday 8PM time slot, is hosted by world famous psychic Brabara Bloodstone. Bloodstone, a staple on the long running Emmanuel Lewis show, first achieved fame for her 1976 prediction of a boat sinking somewhere in the Pacific ocean. She parlayed that early success into a lucrative career, branching out into communication with dead pets and removing curses from celebrity meals, like beef stroganoff and clams flambe. It was during this time that she first had the idea of helping lonely dead celebrities find true love in the afterlife.

"What are you discussing with me Brabara?"
Webster Lewis on the set of his popular daily talk show

The show, which features Bloodstone sitting in the middle of a large brown leather sofa and chain smoking Pall Mall cigarettes while she either channels celebrity spirits or simply repeats what they are whispering in her ear, has been well received by critics, winning the Golden Globe for Best Dating Reality Series Involving Ghosts three out of the last four years. It lost to John Edward's Ghost Wife Swap in 2011. The most popular segments usually involve footage on location at various restaurants around Los Angeles during which Bloodstone describes what is happening. This typically involves a heated disagreement or romantic moment between the two deceased love birds.

Popular scene from season 2 where Marilyn Monroe has just slapped Giacomo Casanova after she caught him checking out an attractive younger ghost