Sunday, March 9, 2014

McDonald's Purchases New Orleans Children's Hospital.....

New Orleans, LA- Children's Hospital of New Orleans has been purchased by the world famous McDonald's Corporation.

The hospital, which has long served the children of New Orleans, as well as the rest of the state, will now be dishing out healthcare that is efficient, effective and delicious. Ronald McDonald himself was present at a press conference, held today in the hospital auditorium, where the announcement was made to a packed house by McDonald's PR Chairman the Hamburglar. He then spent the rest of the day taking questions from staff and entertaining patients and their families with his wacky antics.

Multiethnic nonthreatening toddlers with clown
The buyout is no surprise to Costa Dimitriades M.D., Chief Resident of the pediatric program at the hospital. "This only reflects a growing trend in this country where corporations outright buy a facility instead of simply obtaining naming rights," explained Dimitriades. "In fact, just last week Burger King purchased an outpatient orthopedic center in Pittsburgh. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac, but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me, and it's important to my patients."

Besides replacing the cafeteria with one of their high quality eateries, there will be hospital wide policy changes reflecting the new administration. The executives at McDonald's, through their liaison Grimace, have worked day and night with the doctors and nurses to establish a new set of rules and regulations:

1. Instead of asking what brings you here today, doctors will now say "Welcome to Children's Hospital may I take your order?"

2. All medical terminology used at the hospital will now have the prefix "Mc" added to it. For example, nurses will use a McRectal Thermometer to take your McTemperature.

3. In addition to the regular medical tests and procedures, a 99-cent value menu will be made available at the hospital. It will include such items as the McCBC and the McThird Year Medical Student History and Physical Exam.

4. Popular menu items will be liquefied for use in total parenteral nutrition.

Kristen Nelson M.D., a second year resident at Children's has reflected on the situation. "I think it will be a difficult transition, especially the drive through emergency department, but I know in my heart of hearts that this is what is best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."

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