Saturday, May 24, 2014

Area Man Accidentally Becomes One with the Cosmos While Stretching.....

Tonganoxie, KS- When Grint Richards began his morning stretching exercises on what seemed like a typical cool May morning in Tonganoxie last week, the last thing he expected to find was complete oneness with the cosmos.

Grint Richards, shown here mere seconds prior to achieving an orgasmic unity with the building blocks of the divine infinite

"I had just eaten half of a bagel and started a nice slow standing quad stretch," Richards explained. "The next thing I knew I had achieved an immaculate state of supreme bliss, mastered time, matter and space, and freed myself from cause and effect. Then I finished the other half of the bagel."

News of Richards' accomplishment quickly reached the leaders of the various Yoga communities. Bellur Krishnamachar Sundararaja Iyengar, one of the foremost yoga teachers in the world, welcomed the humble Midwestern sorghum farmer with open arms. "Most people take years to achieve this kind of connection to the universe. Mr. Richards must surely be the Chosen One who has come to fulfill the prophesy of the ancients."

Thursday, May 22, 2014

New Study Reveals 10% of Adult Cats are Morbidly Curious.....

Baton Rouge, LA- Researchers at the Louisiana State University School of Veterinary Medicine announced the findings of a year long study on feline health today, sending shock waves throughout the veterinary community. The key finding of the report, which focused on markers of health and associated mortality rates, was that over a third of adult cats are now curious, with ten percent of them meeting criteria for morbid curiosity.

A morbidly curious cat moments before dying from asphyxiation

"We have known for a long time that curiosity rates, even morbid curiosity, were on the rise," lead researcher and feline neuropsychiatrist Mort Fishman explained. "But to find that in some communities, particularly rural areas with a high prevalence of small rodents and hopping insects, that nearly half of kittens are above the 95th percentile for curiosity was upsetting to say the least."

Veterinarians have been seeing increased rates of curiosity and related injuries for years, and there has been a significant movement among primary care vets to screen kittens for the condition in order to institute lifestyle modifications and even pharmaceutical interventions as early as possible. The most commonly used marker, the FCI or Feline Curiosity Index, which is a simple index of friskiness-for-volume, allows veterinarians to focus on those cats that are most at risk of complications. But there are some experts who believe that the FCI is a poor indicator of overall health, and its use is fraught with false positives.

"Frankly, the FCI is bullshit," Joni Hasselhoff, a Canadian veterinarian who specializes in curiosity revealed. "It is a sloppy means of screening large populations and worthless when used on an individual basis, especially as a goal. Some cats are simply more aloof, which might raise the FCI without actually equating to higher levels of curiosity."

There is even controversy regarding the management of curious and morbidly curious cats and kittens when the diagnosis is clear. Over the past few years, most veterinarians have fallen into one of two camps: Lifestyle modification in the form of intradomicile containment versus drug therapy. Abbott Laboratories brought curiozapine, marketed as CurioCure, a drug which suppresses curiosity by decreasing sensitivity to the neurotransmitter dopamine to the market in 2010.

Still, a small but increasingly vocal third contingency of veterinarians endorses a more natural approach. So-called holistic or integrative veterinarians believe that locking a cat inside is unnecessary and that the risks of drug therapy outweigh the benefits. They recommend approaches that combine modalities such as feline massage, acupuncture and catnip enemas in order to restore a healthy energy balance and replace unhealthy curiosity with more of an adorable inquisitiveness.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

To Loop or Not to Loop: A Controversial New Parenting Strategy is Gaining Popularity.....

Brookline, MA- We've all seen them: toddlers attached to a caregiver at the zoo or shopping mall by a cord and a kid friendly backpack harness. Although not a favorite means of keeping tabs on toddlers for all parents, most would agree that this is a safe and effective way to keep a young child safe from harm while in a crowded place. The true controversy involves a new parenting technique, known by proponents as "looping", that is quickly becoming popular in some areas of the country.

A toddler safety harness prevents child from floating away while holding a large handful of balloons
Looping involves the continued attachment of a child to a parent, usually but not always the mother, even after their days of accidentally wandering off are long behind them. While the practice is most common in the elementary school-aged child, rates are even increasing among middle and high school students. Some school districts, particularly in more affluent neighborhoods like Brookline, Massachusetts, are seeing as many as half of children being "looped" with a parent. This is forcing schools to find innovative ways of accommodating the increased parental presence in classrooms.

The looping harness was historically made at home, using simple rope, but many parents have begun ordering specially designed gear online. These are preferred by children because of increased padding for comfort and by parents because Kevlar ropes and cables are resistant to cutting and burning. The harness is usually worn at at all times, even during sleep, although many parents allow for periods of time where they are unhooked to be earned by good behavior or the achievement of predetermined goals.

Why are these parents literally attached to their children? Although safety is offered up as a reason for some parents, the primary impetus for looping is the desire to encourage a more steady and reliable emotional and psychological development. Some parents see looping as a means of counteracting negative societal influences.

The National Looping Association (NLA), formed in 2012 by looping advocates Brit and Mitzi Miller, claims that there are a variety of social, psychological and medical benefits for both children and caregivers. Although published studies are lacking, there is no shortage of testimonials. According to the Millers, encouraging word-of-mouth from satisfied parents is their primary approach to advocacy.

"I talk to parents every week who are seeing their child blossom literally right in front of their eyes," Mitzi Miller explained. "When you're looped to your child, you are always there to assist with any difficulties, to encourage them when they are hesitant, to comfort them after any setback. In two years, I don't recall hearing one negative experience."

Well adjusted teen in loop harness enjoying some earned time "off the loop"

Not everyone agrees with the Millers. Harvard based Child psychiatrist and parenting expert Mort Fishman looked into looping after he noticed a number of local children raising the issue during counseling sessions. "I kept hearing unfamiliar terminology from my patients. They would talk about being "on the loop" or "off the loop". At first I thought there was a new street drug."

Fishman quickly put the puzzle pieces together and began a year long investigation into looping culture. What he found shocked him. In his soon to be published book on the subject, he will put looping into a historical context and discuss why, in his opinion, looping will likely backfire and result in children who are less prepared for the real world.

"This has all the markings of a bogus parenting fad," Fishman revealed. "I understand that parents want to protect their children, but at some point this type of anxiety and desire for control becomes pathological. And I am very concerned about the long term effects. What happens when they leave the home? Will parents follow them to college or into the workplace?"

For now, looping proponents are unfazed by what they see as an ivory tower incursion into the home. "Frankly I don't see what the fuss is all about," said Miller. "Looping provides a literal safety harness for your child. And they love it! You just know a looped kid when you meet one. That look of docile acceptance is unmistakable."

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Pfizer Announces Zithromax Flavor Blast™ Liquid Water Enhancer.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer held a press conference today to announce the planned release of Zithromax Flavor Blast liquid water enhancer.

"This is a first of its kind method of administering an antibiotic and a revolutionary means of enhancing water as a healthy beverage," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "We at Pfizer believe strongly that this will improve medication compliance, help consumers to maintain hydration, and support a healthy and active lifestyle."

Zithromax, a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, inhibits bacterial growth by disrupting the synthesis of proteins. It has been one of the most commonly prescribed antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia and parental anxiety. Although flavored liquid and chewable oral antibiotic formulations are not new, Zithromax Flavor Blast™ marks the first time that an antibiotic has been incorporated into a product meant to add flavor to a food or beverage.

Z-Blast enhanced water can also be applied topically for cooling and skin immune system support

According to Pfizer, each squeeze of Zithromax Flavor Blast will contain about 250mg of azithromycin as well as 20% of the daily requirments of B vitamins. According to Mort Fishman, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, Zithromax Flavor Blast, or Z-Blast, also contains significant quantities of guarana extract, and the amount of caffeine typically found in a 6-ounce cup of regular coffee. 

"Z-Blast gives discerning consumers more control over their beverage experience," Fishman said. "These are high quality ingredients and all natural flavors contained in a unique bottle with a secure valve and an innovative click closure system to maintain lid security. It provides sustained energy with no crash like you get with sugary drinks, and it complements the body's natural immune system with an antibiotic proven to be popular."

At rollout, several different flavors will be available by prescription. "If you asked me, all the flavors are delicious," Reed revealed. "The classics are there. Cherry. Watermelon. Strawberry. But we told the R and D guys to just have fun with it. I like our Tropical Rain flavor. It's a combination of pineapple, coconut and human tears."

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: The Ins and Outs of Gluten Intolerance.....


with Mitch Rangler

When you hear someone at a restaurant ask about "gluten-free" options, do you immediately think of a life devoid of enjoyment and meaning. An existence where every day is better than the next and the only relief will come with the sweet release of death? Well, you would only be half right. Fully apprenticed Nutritionologists are trained to design a diet plan that shifts the focus away from what you can't eat to all of the delicious and healthful foods you can shove down your obese American gullet. But what is gluten, and why are people who can't eat it such assholes?

What is a gluten?

A gluten is a protein often found in wheat, rye and barley. It's a structural protein that gives many popular foods like pizza dough, and California pizza dough, a distinctive chewy texture. Gluten proteins are a composite of gliadin, glutenin and pure concentrated evil.

Where is gluten found?

Gluten can be found in a surprising number of places. Anything made with gluten containing grains will contain it. Even beer, imitation crab meat and ice cream might have hidden pockets of the protein, probably put there by Monsanto. Though known best for giving elasticity to foods, gluten is also used in the manufacturing of a variety of cosmetic and hair products. But if you don't catch gluten sensitivity from foods or eating lipstick, some experts believe that gluten can even be transmitted via respiratory droplets, electromagnetic fields and contact with Italians, who are usually lousy with the stuff after hours of making fresh pasta.

How does gluten make people sick?

Once gluten gets into your system, it's probably too late for you and your family. The key is preventing exposure in the first place. Gluten insensitivity often starts in the genes for most people because of its autosomal dominant inheritance. Intolerance, which can be triggered by stress and lack of attention from a boyfriend or co-worker, occurs when the body's immune system begins to attack the lining of the intestines. This leads to poor absorption of nutrition and a variety of vague symptoms like painful hair and itching of the teeth. Though not a living organism itself, gluten's misfolded protein can propagate itself by inducing errors in the folding of other proteins it comes into contact with. Eventually it will find its way to the brain tissue where the gluten will encapsulate itself in a hard shell. In this state, gluten can remain dormant for years.

What are the symptoms of gluten intolerance?

The symptoms of gluten sensitivity manifest differently depending on the host's life experiences and willingness to admit that they are powerless over the gluten, and that their lives have become unmanageable. Some may simply have mild abdominal discomfort while others may remain asymptomatic despite eating a diet which consists primarily of fried dough, fatty meats and diet Coke. Researchers are currently working on a vaccine using the congealed blood of these resistant individuals.

A patient in the Pediatric Gluten Sensitivity Ward at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

What can Nutritionology do to help?

A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist is often able to reduce symptoms and even completely cure gluten intolerance. Many plant and animal parts have been proven to be effective, such as sea cucumber relish and echidna spine extract. But probably the most important aspect of our holistic management is strict lifelong isolation from others humans. Conventional medicine has made millions containing patients in extended care facilities, creating a generation of gluten babies that will never function normally in society. Nutritionology promotes home isolation.

I'm Mitch Rangler, and this has been The Health Patrol.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Psychic Contacts Man's Deceased Third Cousin, Once Removed.....

Toledo, Ohio-While attending a reading by psychic Jim Edwins today, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed when the clairvoyant began to communicate with a deceased family member.

"I don't know how he did it, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Mr. Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W."

On his supernatural gift of communicating with the dead, Edwins revealed "I don't have any control over this. The spirits come to me and give me whatever message they feel must be passed on to the living. For example how they might have once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Brain Changes Suggest Being an Asshole Starts in the Womb.....

San Diego, CA-Being an asshole may not be obvious until a child is a toddler, but some surprising new evidence is emerging that may prove that the condition begins in the womb.

Brain tissue obtained from patients with type 2, or early onset, Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD) who had died of unrelated causes revealed patches of disorganization in the cortex, a thin sheet of cells critical for learning, memory, and not being a complete asshole. Researchers were unable to demonstrate the same findings in brain samples obtained from kids who weren't assholes. The results of the study were published in the West Coast Journal of Medical Interest this month.

The organization of the brain, specifically in the cortex, begins early in pregnancy. "Something must have gone wrong at or before that time," PAD researcher and co-author of the paper Mort Fishman explained. "But I do want to be perfectly clear that parenting still plays a large role in this, especially the mother."

The developing brain in children, in particular the cortex, is arranged in a series of layers. Each layer contains different types of cells. In asshole kids, there are areas in the layers that lose distinction because the pattern of cells specific to each layer isn't there. According to Fishman, this disorganization may be the key to why some toddlers are just awful, awful people and everybody hates them.

Fishman, who is the director of the Institute for Asshole Science at the University of West Dakota in San (IASU-WDSD) Diego, believes that the findings add to a growing body of research on how genes control the development of the brain and play a role in PAD. "This tells us that perhaps initiating treatment early in childhood, when the brain has more potential to reorganize itself and circumvent impaired regions, might lead to improved outcomes. Maybe instead of an asshole, they'll just be really big jerks."

Fishman and the researchers at the Institute for Asshole Science are asking for help. They need more brains from both asshole kids and normal toddlers, and this is where the public can truly make a difference. "Unfortunately, parents of assholes don't typically agree to donate their child's brain to asshole science. Probably because they themselves are assholes." Parents can donate their child's brain pretty much whenever, but the IAS-WDSD prefers waiting until the child has died.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Energy Slamz! for Teens!.....

Energy Slamz! for Teens
The Only Probiotic Infused Energy Drink Formulated Just For Teens!
From the makers of ProbyoticZ! for Teens, the only probiotic formulated just for teens! 

I can has Energy Slamz! for Teens?
Did you know that over 90% of teenagers complain of not having enough energy?(1) In today's world of smart phones, Twitter, the knockout game and other popular teen activities, being tired just isn't an option. There are plenty of energy drinks on the market, but they are designed for adults. 

Adolescence is a unique period of transition from childhood into adulthood. Your teenage body is going through a lot of changes. It's totes chaos! I'm using popular teenage slang words so you relate to the product and keep reading. You wouldn't use your grandmother's dentures, right? So why would you drink an adult energy drink?

Energy Slamz! for Teens
Not Your Grandmother's Energy Drink!(2)

Hands off the Energy Slamz! Grandma!
Energy Slamz! for Teens is the first and only probiotic infused energy drink designed specifically with the teenage brain and intestinal environment in mind. It works with your body, not against it. And it won't cause embarrassing seizures or paralysis, so you enjoy teenage specific social functions and non-consensual transmission of nude selfies.(3) But what is energy anyway?

Science tells us that energy is a property of objects that is transferable among them via fundamental interactions, which can be converted in form but not created or destroyed. That's mad physics! Energy is everywhere. It's even in the cells in your body. 

Research has shown that energy is extremely important for your brain. In fact, your brain needs a constant supply of energy at all times. If your brain didn't have enough energy, you would die. There are lots of foods that contain energy, like cantaloupe rinds and oyster shells, but they are hard to find and often unpalatable. So you can spend hours a day getting energy from food, or get an entire day's worth from just one Energy Slamz! for Teens.  

5 non-paralyzed energized teens at graduation ceremony
Each 1oz bottle of Energy Slamz! for Teens contains the same proprietary blend of beneficial bacteria, like Lactobacillus jayzerii and Sacharomyces taylorswiftophilus, as our popular ProbyoticZ! for Teens probiotic supplement. But it also contains a variety of all natural energy containing compounds not specifically rejected by the FDA for consumption by humans, like guarana, ginseng, B vitamins and food grade dinitrogen tetroxide. 

Energy Slamz! for Teens comes in delicious flavors like grape and coconut lime. And getting your Slamz! on couldn't be any easier with our convenient 100 count Slamz! Bucket. Just grab a Slamz!, pop the top and slam it down!(4) What are you waiting for?

1. Based on survey of teens taken upon awakening by parent for church at 7AM 
2. In clinical trials, 4 out of 5 grandmothers died secondary to ingestion of Energy Slamz! for Teens
3. In clinical trials, 5 out of 6 teenagers were not paralyzed after ingestion of Energy Slamz! for Teens
4. Open Energy Slamz! for Teens carefully and never near a flame or other heat source. Prior to full consumption, place a small drop on any area of exposed skin to determine your risk for a violent reaction. If any areas of skin slough off, do not consume Energy Slamz! for Teens under any circumstances. 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Robotically-Assisted Acupuncture Brings Ancient Healing Technique Into the 21st Century.....

Sunnyvale, CA- Developed intuitively through painstaking trial and error over many thousands of years, traditional Chinese acupuncture has proven time and time again its ability to ameliorate and even cure a variety of medical conditions. But one of its greatest strengths, the intimate connection between practitioner and acupuncture needle, has also been its most significant weakness. Taking advantage of the robotic technology now used by surgeons to perform a variety of minimally-invasive procedures, cutting edge acupuncture providers are increasingly able to provide relief for patients that were once felt to be either poor candidates, or had failed to improve despite treatments with traditional acupuncture.

The healing art may be ancient Chinese, but the modern technology augmenting it in most cases is pure American. The da Vinci Surgical System involves state of the art robotic technology and features a 3D high-definition magnification system and instruments able to maneuver with greater precision than the human wrist and fingers. This allows the acupuncturists to both locate and successfully target hard to reach acupoints, such as those on the scrotum and anal verge. This expands the number of conditions amenable to acupuncture significantly.

An acupuncturist and acupuncture anesthetist perform robotically-assisted acupuncture on a patient who has been feeling kind of tired lately
"It's obvious to me that this is an improvement, a paradigm shift if you will. A leap forward in our ability to take care of our patients," da Vinci Gynecologic acupuncturist Mort Fishman explained. "It really comes down to the bottom line. If someone in my family needed acupuncture, would I want that provider to be trained in robotics? Yeah, I would."

The improved vision and manual dexterity enjoyed by providers using the da Vinci system has allowed acupuncture to catch up to other alternative medical fields, some of which have been incorporating modern technology into their treatments for years. Chiropractors, practitioners who treat a variety of musculoskeletal conditions and asthma for some reason, have historically used a variety of high tech electronic devices to locate abnormalities in the spine called subluxations. The subluxations can then be treated using a variety of manual spinal adjustment techniques.

Fishman, who is a pioneer in robotically-assisted minimally-invasive acupuncture fertility treatments, is already looking ahead. "As science progresses, and we continue to scale down robot technology, the practice of acupuncture will be taken completely out of the hands of the practitioner, allowing full mental focus on diagnosis."  He envisions a time in the future when even robot-assisted acupuncture will seem old fashioned and the practice of nanopuncture will cure us of all disease.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Improperly Performed Acupuncture Linked to Spontaneous Human Combustion.....

Experts in traditional Chinese medicine are warning patients to avoid unlicensed acupuncture practitioners after an apparent case of spontaneous human combustion.
Baton Rouge, LA-When investigators climbed from out of the smoldering debris that was the home of Hank Thomas, the looks on their faces told the gathering crowd what these hardened veterans of the Baton Rouge Fire Department couldn't put into words. Thomas, a yoga instructor and avid fisherman who had lived in Baton Rouge his entire life, had exploded. And as the grisly details slowly emerge, people are asking questions about what might be to blame and how they can prevent being the next Baton Rougian to erupt into a massive fireball of body parts and Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning.
Some local medical professionals have proposed a controversial theory. Based on reports that Thomas has undergone acupuncture treatments for sciatica several times in the weeks preceding his untimely fulmination, a group of local experts are speaking out. They are warning the community to beware of discount acupuncture clinics.
"We aren't saying that every incidence of spontaneous human combustion is linked to the incorrect placement of acupuncture needles," Kuang Zhu LAC, Chief of Pragmatic Acupuncture in the Health and Wellness division of Vic's Day Spa and Pet Grooming Center, explained during a recent press conference. "But in some cases, there is a temporal relationship that is hard to explain otherwise."
Zhu, a legally licensed acupuncturist in Baton Rouge, Louisiana for over thirty years and founder of the "Know Your Needler!" campaign, is reaching out to the Baton Rouge community because of concerns that there are patients seeking care from unlicensed and poorly trained practitioners that don't charge as much per session. "These rogue needle-wielding impersonators don't fully grasp the power of acupuncture, acupressure, sonopuncture, nanopuncture, nanopressure, electroacupuncture, cold laser therapy, robotic acupuncture or any of the other ancient techniques of stimulating specific acupoints. With great ability to heal comes an equal ability to harm."
Acupuncture, a component of Traditional Chinese Medicine developed sometime in the past 5 to 10,000 years, involves the insertion of small needles into specific points on the body in order to improve the flow of life energy or Qi. These points are found along meridians, major pathways in the body through which our life energy courses that are different from blood vessels, nerves and lymphatics in that Western science has been unable to locate them during anatomical investigation or with modern imaging techniques. When Qi is obstructed, it becomes stagnant and illness develops. Properly placed needles relieve this obstruction and improve our health in a number of ways. Needles placed haphazardly can, according to Zhu, lead to further obstruction, a worsening of one’s health, and perhaps even a fiery death.
Zhu states that the phenomenon of injury by inappropriate acupuncture is not new. He has seen countless milder cases over his three decades of practice in the United States. But the worst occurred during his childhood in China. “Neighborhood gangs and even local police forces would use purposefully incorrect acupuncture as punishment or as an interrogation enhancer,” Zhu revealed. “Once I saw a body with the hao zhen needles still inserted in acupoints I did not even know existed. Oh, the disharmony! My childhood ended that day. I’ve heard that the American military is even using acupuncture on the battlefield now.”
But not every local acupuncturist supports Zhu’s theory that excessive and erroneous needle placement is to blame for unexplained explosions of American citizens. Frank Grimes, a Baton Rouge chiropractor who incorporates acupuncture into his armamentarium of healing modalities, reminds us that correlation doesn't always equal causation. “Yes, some of the remaining body parts have been found with needles still in them,” He admits. “But my concern is that linking acupuncture to spontaneous human combustion is akin to the claim that chiropractic manipulation of the neck causes strokes. Perhaps people who are already about to explode seek out acupuncture for symptomatic relief.”
At the heart of this issue for Zhu and his colleagues is the health of their community. He admits that acupuncture-induced detonation is likely rare despite the recent occurrence, and that most people who receive acupuncture from improperly trained practitioners will at most only experience mild stagnation of Qi. “Thankfully most of these victims of acupuncture fraud do not suffer from serious conditions and will improve with the passage of time. My main concern is that the people who do have dangerous imbalances in their yin or yang might delay seeking out proper care just to save a few bucks.”
Zhu also expressed concern for subjects of clinical trials testing the effectiveness of acupuncture. “I worry that study participants exposed to phony acupuncture may be at risk for continued imbalances or worse.” In addition to raising awareness of the dangers of improperly performed acupuncture, the Know Your Needler! campaign is also calling for the immediate end to all placebo-controlled trials that incorporate sham acupuncture.