Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Vitamins Contain Dangerous Metals and Acids.....


with Mitch Rangler

I'm fed up with corporations treating American citizens like ATM machines. Whether it's Monsanto putting fish parts in my tapioca pudding or scientists growing human organs inside of abortions, regular folks like me and former In Syncope bad boy Lance Bass* are forced to live out our lives afraid of the food we put in our bodies. And if the harmful chemicals aren't coming from right here in the United States, products imported from other countries fill in the gaps, making every meal a high stakes game of Russian Backgammon.

The latest example comes from the billion dollar vitamin and supplement industry. It's terrifying to think that the products people turn to for immune boosting and liver detoxification are often full of dangerous metals and acids. I've found that there are measurable levels ascorbic acid, folic acid and even pantothenic acid in many vitamin and supplement products. In addition to these hard to pronounce acids, a number of products also contain metals like iron, copper, zinc and nickel. We aren't robots! And they put it right on the label for all to see because they think that they are untouchable. I've got some news for them!

What is so bad about acid in your vitamin or supplement? Acids have corrosive properties and are often used for industrial processes such as removing rust from metal. That's probably why they are included in the vitamins, so that they don't rust from all of the metal in them. Acids are also a major component of batteries. Would you eat a battery?

Some acids are used to make nonorganic fertilizers or even as an ingredient in soft drinks, which are a known contributor to diabetes and infantile dyspepsia. When an acid is mixed with alcohol, it makes an ester, one of which is nitroglycerin. That's right, vitamins and supplements are essentially time bombs waiting to explode!

I don't know why the vitamin and supplement industry purposefully wants to harm us by putting such dangerous chemicals in their products. But I'm not surprised because this is what happens when profits are a motivating force. It's probably cheaper to just fill a capsule with metals and acid instead of healthy foods like tapioca and purple hull peas. 

But we don't have to be helpless. We can fight back and WE CAN WIN! How? Sign my online petition today and let your voice be heard. Congress and the Supreme Court can't ignore the people who vote for them! Sign up for my newsletter, which I will send as soon as the mimeograph machine in our basement is fixed. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope to my P.O. Box along with five dollars and a DNA sample.

*Lance Brass is in the final stages of agreeing to meet with me about becoming the official spokesperson for The Health Patrol with Mitch Ranger.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

New Study Proves Sports Defeats Directly Related to Loss of Momentum.....

Bristol, CT- The results of a comprehensive study of the effect of momentum in sports competitions appear to confirm the popular belief that momentorrhagia, the excessive loss of momentum, is useful in predicting a negative outcome for a specific team or individual.

Professional baseball player demonstrating a .3mcg/dl drop in momentum

"We've suspected that relative momentum levels are a major determinant in wins and losses for decades," Sports scientist Lamarcus Brand explained. "But we also used to think that the ratio of games worn to consecutive victories predicted how lucky a pair of socks are. This is why we do the study."

The study, which employed a retrospective analysis of momentum levels in competing teams and individual participants in nearly 200 sporting events, looked specifically at the role of momentum loss in both performance and outcome. They found that teams suffering momentorrhagia during a competition lost without exception and that poor individual performance was a near ubiquitous result. According to Brand, who also provides color commentary for PBA events on ESPN 2, the study should serve as a template for scientific examination of sports anecdotes in the future. "We took a Bayesian approach, reevaluating momentum levels in light of the outcome. It's a more complicated way of interpreting the data, but ultimately much more satisfying."

Friday, June 20, 2014

Elizabeth Berkley to Play Self in Upcoming Saved By the Bell Movie.....

New York City, New York- Excitement for the "Saved by the Bell" television movie event, which is set to air on the Lifetime network September 1st, increased marginally when it was announced today that former cast member Elizabeth Berkley will be reprising her role as know-it-all social activist and one time caffeine pill addict Jessie Spano.

Elizabeth Berkley, shown here reenacting the infamous pool sex scene with Mr. Belding in "Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style"

"We were more than a little surprised when she approached us about the role," casting director Robin Lippin explained. "I asked if she understood what kind of project this was, that it wasn't a reunion movie and it would be exposing what happened behind the scenes of Saved by the Bell, and she didn't hesitate. It was a little sad watching her go through the audition process, but she really nailed the part."

Because of the grueling filming schedule, Berkley has been unable to comment on her decision to take part in the project. Her publicist, Blint Eversbee, held a brief press conference after the announcement. "Elizabeth would love to talk to you, she really would, but unfortunately there is just no time. There's never any time actually. She doesn't have time to study her lines...She'll never get into a bigger role. She'll let everyone down, is what she's worried about. She's so confused right now but so excited..and yet so scared."

Monday, June 16, 2014

Dead Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone Makes Contact from the Other Side.....

Dead Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here giving personal credit card information to a stranger over the phone

Shocking scientists and skeptics of the supernatural, world famous ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone has made a successful communication from beyond the grave.

"I'll be completely honest and just say that I never expected this day to come," renowned skeptic and debunker of paranormal claims Jim Randal explained. "But this is the real deal. It's safe to say that my entire career has been based on a belief that there is nothing after we die, and I was wrong."

Bloodstone first entered the spotlight in 1976 when she correctly predicted that a tornado would touch down somewhere in a state containing the letter S, M or A. She expanded her psychic communication empire over the years and even played an important role in the landmark 1993 Supreme Court ruling that allowed plants to testify in a court of law. Her true calling, however, was helping the ghosts of dead celebrities realize that it's never to late to find true love, which ultimately led to her development and hosting of the critically acclaimed E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker. In 2008, the show won an Emmy Award for Best Sofa or Love Seat in a Reality Program.

Bloodstone's communication from the land of the dead was discovered when a janitor at the SETI Institute accidentally bumped into the controls of one of the radio telescopes while vacuuming. Her message to the living consisted of a seemingly random assortment of words and phrases, often eerily similar to normal radio programming. In fact, in one segment Bloodstone revealed an uncanny ability to mimic a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Biblical scholars and government codebreakers are currently hard at work attempting to uncover the hidden meaning of her words.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Atheist Children's Book Teaches Random and Meaningless Nature of Existence.....

New York, NY-A new children's book, Pickles the Atheist Pig's Pointless Day, which teaches atheist children about the meaningless nature of existence is set to hit store shelves in time for the holidays.

"Finally the atheist community will have a guidebook for revealing how random forces render all of our efforts ultimately futile," book author Jake Leblanc explained. "The ideal audience for this message of purposelessness is the young school-aged child, but the delightful illustrations will certainly please toddlers as they are gently introduced to the cosmic joke we call life."

Pickles the atheist pig, shown here frustrated by the inability of his subjective moral system to guide him when facing difficult ethical dilemmas
Book critics, like Clandine Jones of Kirkus Reviews, are praising the new book's mix of fantasy elements and realistic fiction. "When children read the tale of this darling young piglet, driven into a life without belief after losing his parents to the abattoir, I truly believe that they will be well on their way to losing the ability to appreciate beauty and wonder in the world," Jones revealed. "Which is all any decent atheist parent really wants for their children."

Based on the large number of pre-orders for the book, Leblanc is already working on a sequel. "I haven't ironed out all of the details yet, but I can tell you that in the second book Pickles will be a little older, much angrier, and will be plotting to destroy Christmas."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

God Puts Hold on Near-Death Experiences, Cites Slumping Celestial Economy.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing a recent downturn in the celestial economy, today God announced the closing of the Gates of Heaven to all potential near-death experiences (NDE) until further notice.

Marketing and Economics campus at the University of West Florida

"It's unfortunate that I've had to take such a drastic measure," the Supreme Being and Creator of the Universe explained. "Frankly I'm tired of all these freeloading day trippers. It used to be fun, letting them talk to whichever dead relative was available. Sometimes I'd even trot out their favorite childhood pet. But that was before Manna cost eleven bucks a pound. Please just stay away from the light if at all possible."

A number of measures have been discussed to reverse Heaven's economic woes, including placing a tax on participants in NDEs. God's only begotten son Jesus, who is also God and holds a degree in Marketing and Economics from the University of West Florida, thinks that charging a premium for higher level memberships is a logical next step. "Who says everybody should get their young body back in Heaven? Did you love a good scotch while you were alive? Well who says you have to stop? It could all be negotiable."

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Turn Key versus Renovation When Looking for the Perfect New Home.....

This entire bathroom needs to be gutted!

by Lance and Wendy Gundersnap
1st time homebuyers
Lakeland, FL

We entered the home buying process naively, assuming that real estate professionals could be trusted to find and show properties that met our specifications. Sadly, after days of searching with the assistance of a "certified Realtor" we now know how trusting people can be taken advantage of by unscrupulous agents who care more about making money than making dreams come true! Not one of the three houses we have looked at so far have had all of the items and features that we clearly spelled out as must haves during the initial visit with our "agent."

The most recent fiasco is a perfect example. We did not ask to be shown homes with a 2-car garage or an unsightly water oak in the back yard. Lance needs extra space for his tools and he is allergic to leaves. We did not ask for a kitchen with dated appliances, appliances which will have to be removed and replaced with stainless steel. We did not ask for a home lacking hardwood floors in all rooms. Carpets are dirty. Nor did we specifically request a master bedroom with a single walk-in closet. I could perhaps chalk this up as the mistake of an incompetent Realtor, but then she took us into the guest bathroom.

When I saw the upstairs guest bathroom, I could only assume that our agent was on a personal mission to ruin our lives. It is very unlikely that we will purchase this money pit of a house as the sound of cars were easily heard from the backyard deck and it was not located on a cul-de-sac, as was CLEARLY requested on the paperwork provided to the real estate company by Lance's father, Attorney Steve Gundersnap. But if we did, the upstairs guest bathroom would need to be completely gutted and redone before I would allow any of our friends to set one foot inside.

Lance requires a comfort height toilet because of his lower back issues. The toilet in question was regular height. The bathtub was an alcove rather than the expected free-standing. The tile, while functional, was too large and the sink was not a pedestal. Finally, the cabinet space was less than optimal. It was literally like we were on a hidden camera show. I literally thought that this had to be some kind of a practical joke.

My home was carried off by a tornado.

Sue Ellen Groves
3rd grade
Washington, IL

I miss my kitty and it's hard to fall asleep at night in the shelter.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Minor Change in Medication Dosing Recommendation Proves Fallibility of Science.....

Bethesda, MD- Researchers working for the National Institutes of Health Intramural Research Program (IRP) are now recommending that the upper limit of dosing for Augmentin, an antibiotic commonly prescribed for upper and lower respiratory infections, be decreased slightly from 1000 mg twice daily to 875 mg twice daily in children and adolescents who weigh more than 40 kilograms.

A cancer researcher shown at the exact moment of realization that his entire life is based on a damned lie

"This decision was based on a growing body of evidence showing that a small decrease in the maximum dosing will result in fewer side effects without decreasing overall effectiveness," Deputy Director for Intramural Research Michael Gottesman explained. "We are all pretty shaken up, and I really don't know what to believe anymore."

Long rumored to be fallible, the scientific approach of observing the natural world, coming up with a hypothesis and then designing tests to determine the accuracy of that hypothesis, has now proven itself completely unreliable. Mitch Rangler, a fully apprenticed clinical Nutritionologist, has been speaking out about the failures of science for decades. "Those egghead scientists in their ivory towers have more fat in their heads than brains!"

Rangler isn't alone in questioning the ability of science to make successful predictions, especially after the damning Augmentin controversy. Many scientists are throwing down their pipettes and Bunsen burners in utter disgust as they question everything that they ever knew. Some, like microbiologist Ashlee Earl, are returning to school to learn new trades that don't rely on the now discredited means of organizing knowledge. "I've always wanted to learn how to paint the various synapomorphies of angiosperms. Dammit Ashlee, that's science talk! I mean fruits and flowers."

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Compounding Pharmacies Still Controversial Despite Popularity.....

Portland, ME- The practice of medicine is complicated, and the best remedy isn't always available in a formulation that works best for every patient. For years, citizens of Portland have looked to boutique compounding pharmacies for help. From turning a pill into a liquid, or adding flavor to an unpalatable prescription drug, all the way to manufacturing medications out of things you might find growing in your backyard or just laying around the house, compounding pharmacies play a key role in 21st century healthcare.

"Our patients come from all walks of life, and have a variety of specialized medical needs," Drummond's Drugstore owner Dub Drummond explained. "You won't find a pharmacist at Walgreen's who can whip up an inhaler full of a blood pressure medication and Prozac, and make it taste like white chocolate."

But not everyone supports compounding pharmacies. In fact, lawmakers around the country are calling for the federal government to improve regulation of the industry and restrict certain manufacturing practices. It is these restrictions that have folks like Drummond worried. "The American people really need to ask themselves if they want to live in a country where the government has the power to restrict their access to transurethral bovine testosterone implants."

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Globodyne Industries Introduces Gluten Free Cats.....

Are you one of the 15% of Americans intolerant to gluten, a protein inserted into wheat, rye and barley by Nazi scientists and Monsanto?

Do you suffer from one of the over 55 diseases linked to this killer protein? Diseases like gas, childhood constipation and Mad Cow Disease?

Have you been ostracized in your community, abandoned by friends and family, or fired from your job because of brain fog or adrenal fatigue? 

Do you sometimes feel off balance or dizzy? Do you have occasional headaches or multiple sclerosis? Have you been diagnosed with dental pruritis, piloalgia, or fecal luminescence?

Have you eliminated gluten from your diet without improvement in your symptoms?

Are there environmental sources of gluten other than your diet?

A 2001 study found that standard house cats contain as much gluten as a loaf of french bread!

The answer is yes!

Eliminating gluten entirely from the diet is crucial in combating gluten intolerance, but did you know that some house cats are also a source of gluten? Thankfully, researchers at Globodyne Industries have developed a process which removes all traces of the deadly protein from your feline companion. But how do you know if your cat contains gluten?

The single best way to determine if your cat is a gluten carrier is to cut all ties with the animal for at least 2-3 weeks and then slowly reintroduce it into the home. After this washout period, simply release your cat from its patented Globodyne Feline Gluten Containment Unit for gradually increasing lengths of time over several months to a year. Do not forget to feed your cat and provide fresh gluten free water. 

Keep a detailed dream journal in order to scientifically determine if you felt better while your cat was contained, and if symptoms returned after its release. Remember, in order for this test to work you must achieve complete separation from the animal. Not even eye contact is allowed because gluten was discovered in 2011 to have evolved into a collective intelligence by the action of millions of decentralized self-organizing individual proteins. 

The Globodyne Feline Gluten Containment Unit works using reverse ionic vibrational equilibrium and a fluffy ball on the end of a string

Still not convinced? 

In 1998, 5-year-old Timmy Sweetchild died from a severe case of electromagnetic hypersensitivity after exposure to massive levels of wifi emitted by Scamps, the family's Havanese puppy. Globodyne already had a canine wifi eliminator on the market but Mr. and Mrs. Sweetchild chose to ignore our warnings. Are you prepared to let your loved ones die? 

The adorable Scamps, mere moments before being put down for emitting lethal amounts of wifi