Thursday, June 12, 2014

God Puts Hold on Near-Death Experiences, Cites Slumping Celestial Economy.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing a recent downturn in the celestial economy, today God announced the closing of the Gates of Heaven to all potential near-death experiences (NDE) until further notice.

Marketing and Economics campus at the University of West Florida

"It's unfortunate that I've had to take such a drastic measure," the Supreme Being and Creator of the Universe explained. "Frankly I'm tired of all these freeloading day trippers. It used to be fun, letting them talk to whichever dead relative was available. Sometimes I'd even trot out their favorite childhood pet. But that was before Manna cost eleven bucks a pound. Please just stay away from the light if at all possible."

A number of measures have been discussed to reverse Heaven's economic woes, including placing a tax on participants in NDEs. God's only begotten son Jesus, who is also God and holds a degree in Marketing and Economics from the University of West Florida, thinks that charging a premium for higher level memberships is a logical next step. "Who says everybody should get their young body back in Heaven? Did you love a good scotch while you were alive? Well who says you have to stop? It could all be negotiable."


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