Saturday, July 19, 2014

Alternative Medical Adverse Events on the Rise, New Study Claims.....

Bethesda, MD- A new report out of the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) is calling into question the safety of Reiki, a technique which was developed in Japan in the early 20th century as a way to manipulate innate human energy fields in order to improve health.

The report, which will be published in the upcoming issue of The Vitamin Shoppe's Amazing Wellness magazine, reveals that the number of Reiki related deaths have increased by almost a quartile since the last assessment in 2007. Lead author Lance Unglesby, a Level IIB practitioner of Therapeutic Touch, estimates that as many as three to four thousand people and animals are injured each year at the hands of incompetent Reiki practitioners.

Mittensby J. Ticklepaws III, shown here mere seconds before suffering catastrophic cardiopulmonary failure during a botched Reiki session

"Many of these deaths occur in July, when new Reiki trainees are starting programs all over the country," Unglesby explains. "People go to a healer expecting to be healed. This is a crisis and something needs to be done about it."

Featured in the report is 10-year-old Timmy C., a boy whose life was tragically cut short when he was brought to a Reiki training facility for help managing his ADHD, which had been diagnosed earlier that week by the lady who cuts his hair. Timmy's mother describes in chilling detail how things turned from miracle to mayhem.

"We had a coupon for a free session and I figured it couldn't hurt, and at first it seemed to be working. The student meditated and then placed his hands over Timmy's body. It was like a light came on in his eyes and I could just tell that his ability to focus was returning. But something went wrong. I heard the Reiki student muttering something about how this shouldn't be happening. He called for help and two Master Teachers rushed in but it was too late."
Only after a full alternative medical autopsy was performed did an explanation for Timmy's death emerge. Parish Coroner Frank Grimes DC, who performed the examination in the basement of his clinic, found a number of vertebral subluxations and a touch of adrenal fatigue, but the true cause of death only became apparent when he hooked Timmy up to an Electro Interstitial Scanning (EIS) system and found a complete absence of resonance. "If you had asked me what killed him before the exam, I would have absolutely said it had to be Acute Severe Subluxation Syndrome, because that is the cause of 99% of non-traumatic deaths. But Timmy was one of those one in a million cases."

What Dr. Grimes DC discovered allowed him to piece together Timmy's final moments. During Reiki therapy sessions, a practitioner sends his own healthy energy into the patient in order to correct imbalances. Unfortunately, the normal flow of energy reversed during Timmy's session. While a well recognized complication, and one that countermeasures have been developed for, such as counting backwards from ten or crossing the big and second toe of the dominant foot, the unskilled student working on Timmy was unaware of these techniques because he not started chapter 4 ("Management of Energy Flow Reversal and Energy Stream Crossing Emergencies") in his Clinical Reiki textbook.

Devoid of any human energy, his body became riddled with dis-ease and he died, right there in his mother's arms. Sadly, had Timmy's mother been trained in Emergency Energy Replacement (EER) she might have been able to save him. An investigation by local authorities revealed that the Reiki training facility did not meet safety code, as it did not have a functional automated energy delivery device (AEDD) on site.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Health Blogger Calls for Diet Cola Warning Labels.....

Belvidere, NE- Mitch Rangler, the controversial advocateur, blogger and founder of The Health Patrol is calling for the placement of warning labels on diet colas containing what he claims are dangerous ingredients.

Controversial health blogger Mitch Rangler, shown here upset about immigrants or the cost of something these days.

"There is more than enough research to support the link between diet cola and a variety of health problems, like cancer, heart disease and obesity," Rangler revealed. "This stuff literally rots your brain from the inside out."

Potential graphical depiction of diet cola consumption side effects for use on proposed warning labels

The warning label would, according to Ranger and The Health Patrol, give consumers more autonomy when choosing which beverages are appropriate for consumption. It has the backing of both the Council of Supreme Nutritionology and the Enclave of Reform Nutrtitionologists. The specific wording was developed by a team of renowned and fully apprenticed Nutritionologists from around the world, but mostly hard to pronounce European cities like Mõisaküla and Cork:

"Warning: Drinking the concentrated evil within will rob you of your health and almost certainly be counted against you when the day of final judgement arrives."

Although Rangler is content with this label, he worries that it may not be enough. "We are talking about a public health tsunami that will claim more lives than actual tsunamis. And not everyone in America reads." Rangler is working on a series of graphical depictions of the harms of diet cola consumption for possible future inclusion on diet cola warning labels.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Area Woman's Birth Plan Revolutionizes Hospital Childbirth.....

Newton, MA- When expectant mother Sincy Bastion arrived at Newton-Wellesley hospital with a birth plan she had developed with her husband and Doula, hospital staff were understandably reluctant to allow an untrained lay person to dictate management of a delivery. But after reading the plan, the nurses and physicians involved in Bastion's care realized that this was no ordinary patient request. In fact, what they discovered would revolutionize hospital childbirth and forever change the course of human history.

Hospital birthing ward shown here having already incorporated the birthing hammock into standard delivery policy as dictated in The Plan

"Reading that birth plan was a career, no, a life altering experience," Obstetrician Mort Fishman explained. "It's very humbling when you realize that you've been wrong as a physician. But I can admit when I'm wrong, and I'll never approach the delivery of a non-aborted human fetus in the same way again!"

Bastion's birth plan, which has been laminated and tacked onto a wall in the nurse break room so that future generations of medical professionals can learn from its teachings, details a comprehensive and natural approach to the birthing process. Experts are predicting that long after the demise of our current civilization, probably at the hand of sentient robots or a mutated squirrel virus, The Plan, as it will come to be known, will serve as a source of both technical instruction for future childbirth and as a blueprint for post apocalyptic religious belief.

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) has already set in motion plans to disband as an organization out of shame. While practicing obstetricians will not yet be required by law to abide by The Plan's birth preferences, it is estimated that roughly 80% will alter their practices in response. Many hospitals around the country are already implementing new birthing policies and procedures, and High Priests and Priestesses of the Church of the Natural Birth, like Dr. Fishman, are going out into the community to share The Plan's pacifier-free vision of peace, harmony and labor hammocks.