Thursday, July 17, 2014

Health Blogger Calls for Diet Cola Warning Labels.....

Belvidere, NE- Mitch Rangler, the controversial advocateur, blogger and founder of The Health Patrol is calling for the placement of warning labels on diet colas containing what he claims are dangerous ingredients.

Controversial health blogger Mitch Rangler, shown here upset about immigrants or the cost of something these days.

"There is more than enough research to support the link between diet cola and a variety of health problems, like cancer, heart disease and obesity," Rangler revealed. "This stuff literally rots your brain from the inside out."

Potential graphical depiction of diet cola consumption side effects for use on proposed warning labels

The warning label would, according to Ranger and The Health Patrol, give consumers more autonomy when choosing which beverages are appropriate for consumption. It has the backing of both the Council of Supreme Nutritionology and the Enclave of Reform Nutrtitionologists. The specific wording was developed by a team of renowned and fully apprenticed Nutritionologists from around the world, but mostly hard to pronounce European cities like Mõisaküla and Cork:

"Warning: Drinking the concentrated evil within will rob you of your health and almost certainly be counted against you when the day of final judgement arrives."

Although Rangler is content with this label, he worries that it may not be enough. "We are talking about a public health tsunami that will claim more lives than actual tsunamis. And not everyone in America reads." Rangler is working on a series of graphical depictions of the harms of diet cola consumption for possible future inclusion on diet cola warning labels.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Area Woman's Birth Plan Revolutionizes Hospital Childbirth.....

Newton, MA- When expectant mother Sincy Bastion arrived at Newton-Wellesley hospital with a birth plan she had developed with her husband and Doula, hospital staff were understandably reluctant to allow an untrained lay person to dictate management of a delivery. But after reading the plan, the nurses and physicians involved in Bastion's care realized that this was no ordinary patient request. In fact, what they discovered would revolutionize hospital childbirth and forever change the course of human history.

Hospital birthing ward shown here having already incorporated the birthing hammock into standard delivery policy as dictated in The Plan

"Reading that birth plan was a career, no, a life altering experience," Obstetrician Mort Fishman explained. "It's very humbling when you realize that you've been wrong as a physician. But I can admit when I'm wrong, and I'll never approach the delivery of a non-aborted human fetus in the same way again!"

Bastion's birth plan, which has been laminated and tacked onto a wall in the nurse break room so that future generations of medical professionals can learn from its teachings, details a comprehensive and natural approach to the birthing process. Experts are predicting that long after the demise of our current civilization, probably at the hand of sentient robots or a mutated squirrel virus, The Plan, as it will come to be known, will serve as a source of both technical instruction for future childbirth and as a blueprint for post apocalyptic religious belief.

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) has already set in motion plans to disband as an organization out of shame. While practicing obstetricians will not yet be required by law to abide by The Plan's birth preferences, it is estimated that roughly 80% will alter their practices in response. Many hospitals around the country are already implementing new birthing policies and procedures, and High Priests and Priestesses of the Church of the Natural Birth, like Dr. Fishman, are going out into the community to share The Plan's pacifier-free vision of peace, harmony and labor hammocks.