Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Area Woman's Birth Plan Revolutionizes Hospital Childbirth.....

Newton, MA- When expectant mother Sincy Bastion arrived at Newton-Wellesley hospital with a birth plan she had developed with her husband and Doula, hospital staff were understandably reluctant to allow an untrained lay person to dictate management of a delivery. But after reading the plan, the nurses and physicians involved in Bastion's care realized that this was no ordinary patient request. In fact, what they discovered would revolutionize hospital childbirth and forever change the course of human history.

Hospital birthing ward shown here having already incorporated the birthing hammock into standard delivery policy as dictated in The Plan

"Reading that birth plan was a career, no, a life altering experience," Obstetrician Mort Fishman explained. "It's very humbling when you realize that you've been wrong as a physician. But I can admit when I'm wrong, and I'll never approach the delivery of a non-aborted human fetus in the same way again!"

Bastion's birth plan, which has been laminated and tacked onto a wall in the nurse break room so that future generations of medical professionals can learn from its teachings, details a comprehensive and natural approach to the birthing process. Experts are predicting that long after the demise of our current civilization, probably at the hand of sentient robots or a mutated squirrel virus, The Plan, as it will come to be known, will serve as a source of both technical instruction for future childbirth and as a blueprint for post apocalyptic religious belief.

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) has already set in motion plans to disband as an organization out of shame. While practicing obstetricians will not yet be required by law to abide by The Plan's birth preferences, it is estimated that roughly 80% will alter their practices in response. Many hospitals around the country are already implementing new birthing policies and procedures, and High Priests and Priestesses of the Church of the Natural Birth, like Dr. Fishman, are going out into the community to share The Plan's pacifier-free vision of peace, harmony and labor hammocks.

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