|A Kidz Krates! feeder bottle (shown here) can be replaced with a meal pellet dispenser as inconvenient children age|
"Our pregnancy with Cooper Evangeline was amazing," new mom Special Dorsi explained. "But once she was born, with all the feeding, incontinence and crying my DVR queue began to fill and I even lost some shows."
Special and Brad Dorsi, who decided to have a child so that the world might benefit from the unique combination of their genetic blessings, had a difficult time getting their daughter to sleep, void and evacuate her bowels on command, especially at night when civilized people should be asleep or reading The Fault In Our Stars on their Kindle Fire. After several days of inconvenience, the desperate couple turned to their pediatricians, Drs. Mort and Treacle Fishman.
The formerly conjoined twins of Fishman Pediatrics, in Seaford, N.Y., recently wrote "The Inconvenient Child: A Foolproof Method to Achieve a Life Unaffected by Children", a book on the subject of pediatric inconvenience based on their 3 decades of caring for the children of assholes.
"When the Dorsi family arrived, the inconvenience in their lives was obvious," Mort revealed. "I told them, 'I'm going to help you realize an existence that maximizes your personal fulfillment!' Special burst into tears of joy at the mere thought of her child serving as a status symbol to be paraded in front of friends and family, but otherwise put away like so much wedding china."
To decrease inconvenience levels in households, the Fishman brothers developed a revolutionary technique which borrows from proven veterinary practices.
The concept of crate training, which they adapted into the Kidz Krates! training method, allows a child of any age to be safely stored between uses. Infants will still need to be periodically fed, however this method allows for easier scheduling of feeds to fit into the lifestyle of the parents. For older children, a nutrient rich liquid meal substitute can be provided via a cage mounted feeder bottle.
"The hardest part of Kidz Krates! is burying that last vestige of human decency," Special said while refilling Cooper Evangeline's feeder with Organic Non-GMO Nature's Twat brand formula, which contains 3% human tears harvested from Romanian orphans. "Sometimes I would find Brad trying to pry open the Kidz Krate! door, but the lock is very strong and only opens at predetermined times. There really is no going back."
The Kidz Krates! method, although amazingly effective, is being attacked by members of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Treacle Fishman isn't surprised. "Truth goes through stages. Ridicule, opposition and then acceptance. And sometimes truth gets arrested for unfounded child abuse charges."
The Fishmans believe that their method represents a sea change in how we interpret infant communication, like crying. Mort told us that "Crying is a baby's way of demanding attention that it hasn't earned. The worst thing you can do is to negotiate with a terrorist! You might as well cancel your next dinner party or plan on skipping the silent auction to benefit that Cavalier King Charles Rescue."
Thanks to the Fishman brothers, the Dorsi family exists in a state of perpetual childlessness, despite the birth of their daughter. Special and Brad sleep peacefully without interruption each night thanks to the Kidz Krates! soundproof high grade acoustic foam panel removable shell.
"It's allowed us to maintain a quality of life where we can really enjoy doing the things we want to do, but also sometimes spend time with Cooper Evangeline. It's what we deserve."