Sunday, September 28, 2014

Homeless Area Sommelier Will Describe Things for Food.....

Detroit, MI- One of many in the Detroit fine dining industry to lose their jobs over the past few months, area wine sommelier Floynell Mirth has resorted to describing things on the street for money and food in order to survive.

Homeless sommelier Floynell Mirth, mere moments before pairing a half-eaten club sandwich found in a trash can with a delightful 2014 bottle of habanero-lime flavored Mad Dog 20/20 
"Detroit is still feeling the effects of the housing crash and subsequent economic slowdown nation-wide," Detroit-based economist Darnielle Admen explained. "Even historically stable markets are seeing significant job losses."

Mirth, a Gold-Pin member of the North American Sommelier Association, says that he will describe almost anything in exchange for spare change or a meal. Although he has trained for years to achieve a seemingly preternatural ability to detect and describe the flavors and aromas of wine, many of which cannot be appreciated by common palates, he appreciates the reality of the adage "beggars can't be choosers." "It's actually not that hard. You know we make all that shit up, right?"

Thursday, September 25, 2014

NIH Survey Reveals Fewer Mice Going into Medical Research.....

Bethesda, MD- Significantly fewer mice are going into medical research according to the results of  a nation-wide survey released today by the National Institutes of Health, raising concern that the future study of new pharmaceutical agents may be negatively impacted.

Champ McWhiskers, shown here working at Jethro's House of Snakes
"Mice pups just aren't as interested in the medical field anymore," lead researcher Catherine Felinesky explained. "The reasons are unclear, but it's likely because of negative perceptions of the field of pharmaceutical testing and a growing distrust of science in general."

According to the new data, young mice are increasingly turning to historically nontraditional careers like serving as house pets or participating in psychology experiments. Many are simply unemployed and living off of the grid. Some, seeking an more fulfilling lifestyle, are being enticed into working in dangerous dead end jobs in pet stores and zoo reptile houses.

Parents of these mice are having difficulty understanding and accepting the fact that so many of their offspring are avoiding the jobs that were highly respected and sought after just a few hundred generations ago last week. Some, like Mr. Furby McWhiskers, a research mouse at Pfizer, have simply given up. "He lives in a cage, a God damned cage. He's no son of mine!"

Monday, September 22, 2014

More Doctors Practicing Medicine from Bed.....

Stanford, CA-Researchers at Stanford have uncovered a surprising new trend in health care. After analyzing data from what is the largest survey of American physicians to date, they announced today that a significant and growing number of doctors are practicing medicine from bed. The bulk of recumbent medical practice is taking place in hospitals, and involves resident physicians in training and hospitalists. 

The WizPod 3000 allows for near complete medical practice from the comfort of your call room.
"We were quite shocked when the numbers came in," lead researcher Major Pickleberry explained. "Until now, it was believed that medical doctors provided most of the care required by hospitalized patients over their cell phones while at the gym or a nearby Starbucks, and also occasionally at the bedside. Our findings completely blow these theories out of the water for this large subset of physicians."

Many doctors are hesitant to admit that they are making medical decisions while under the covers, but not Amanda Babin, a resident in pediatrics at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. "As a resident, you have to sleep when you can. I can do almost everything from my call room anyway because there is a computer in here. And if it's 2AM, I'm not getting out of bed unless somebody is about to die because almost everything else can wait until the morning when the primary team gets here."

But residents, who have long been known to be lazy and useless, aren't the only doctors enjoying the benefits of bed-based medicine. "I round with my team from bed every morning," Baylor faculty and hospitalist Chris Rudolph revealed. "And not from home or the call room either. I put a futon in the hallway, and the residents just crowd around it. It's a couch, it's a bed, it's an integral part of the high quality patient care we provide here at Baylor! It isn't about sleep, it's about what's best for my patients."

Friday, September 19, 2014

Gluten Attack Victim Speaks Out for First Time.....

Brookline, MA- The victim of a horrific gluten-based attack last weekend, a Brookline woman is now speaking out in the hope that lawmakers will enact measures to protect gluten sensitive citizens.

Mary Bort Perkland, shown here mere minutes after ingesting bread containing gluten
"What happened to me could have happened to anyone intolerant to gluten," Mary Bort Perkland explained. "I didn't ask to bear the weight of this affliction, but I do have to live with it every day of my life. Strict anti-gluten laws would have prevented this from happening."

Perkland, a citizen of Brookline since 1984 who was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity last year by a waitress at Otto Pizza on Harvard Avenue, was accosted by an unidentified assailant while at the 2014 Brookline Day festivities at Larz Anderson Park. The man, described by witnesses as tall for his weight and probably from New York, was last seen handing Perkland a sandwich made with wheat laden bread. He then disappeared in the chaos that ensued after the attack.

Perkland is calling for a complete ban of gluten in the city of Brookline, but plans to push for more broad reaching changes at the state and federal level. "I felt bloated and gassy for 3 days, and I'm still a bit foggy headed, but I'll recover. Others may not be so lucky. I'm fighting for them."

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Chiropractic Organization Releases Updated Guidelines on Emergency Self-Adjustment.....

Arlington, VA- In an update to a 2004 policy statement which proscribed the practice of self-adjustment, the American Chiropractic Association (ACA) has reversed its position and is calling for increased public awareness of sudden-onset subluxation (SOS) symptoms.

Woman demonstrating proper use of ACA endorsed SA-9000X to correct a functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular change in one of her thoracic vertebrae 
Studies show that people with untreated chiropractic subluxations often suffer physical and mental health problems and an increased risk of death, usually from a seemingly unrelated condition. Chiropractors, experts in spine health who have gone to school for a really long time, have recommended regular assessment and correction of subluxations for years. But getting to the office when an SOS occurs can be challenging in the middle of the night or on weekends when the office is closed.

In a new policy statement published in their flagship journal Online Publishing Module 53 - Chiropractic, the ACA recommends that patients who develop symptoms consistent with SOS should administer self-adjustments at home. Doing so will help prevent the total collapse of the spine, known as Accordion syndrome since first being described by chiropractor Robert Accordion in 1907. Until appropriate chiropractic care can be obtained during regularly scheduled clinic hours, the patient should refrain from any activities which might exacerbate the subluxation such as birth trauma, wearing a backpack over one shoulder, or standing underneath a piano being hoisted through an upper-story window.

"Accordion syndrome is one of our "never events", chiropractor Frank Grimes, DC, FACA, lead author of the policy statement, revealed. "The research is clear that once the spine fully collapses down on itself the patient's quality of life can suffer in a variety of ways such as being unable to reach items on high shelves, poor self-esteem and the need for permanent assisted ventilation. A self-adjustment at home, done properly, might hold the spine together until your chiropractic home opens in the morning."

The policy statement is accompanied by a technical report, "The Role of the Sudden-Onset Subluxation in Accordion Syndrome: An Update on Preventive Strategies."

The ACA asks that local, state and federal governments help distributed information on SOS to the public (see Table 1), and that chiropractors in the community begin to incorporate education on proper self-adjustment techniques at every visit. The ACA is also offering the SA-9000X, an ergonomically designed self-adjustment device based on NASA technology, at a significant discount when ordered in bulk.

"The ACA is making a definitive and powerful statement about the importance of spinal integrity to the health, safety and well-being of our populace," Dr. Grimes explained. "By advocating for self-adjustment, the ACA is promoting compelling scientific evidence that taking an active role in one's own spine health is an important public health measure."

Table 1. Sudden-Onset Subluxation (diagnosis requires 2 major criteria or 1 major PLUS 2 minor criteria)

Major Criteria
  • Acute onset of any new symptom
  • Acute worsening of any chronic symptom
  • Exhibits all or most of the following traits: homeostasis, cellular organization, metabolism, growth, adaptation, response to stimuli, and reproduction
Minor Criteria
  • Back pain
  • Recent exposure to gluten or high-fructose corn syrup
  • A distrust of conventional medicine
  • The belief that healing energy flows from the cosmos or God down through the top of your head, through the spinal cord and into every cell of your body
  • Lack of critical thinking skills 
  • Extreme gullibility

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Survey Reveals Gluten Intolerance a Common Adversity Cited in College Applicant Personal Statements.....

Berkeley, CA- The results of a survey performed by the University of California at Berkeley Department of Sociology, and published in the September Online Publishing Module 24 - Education and Education Related Fields (Miscellaneous) are sending shockwaves through the college admissions community. According to the press release, gluten intolerance is now the 3rd most common life adversity discussed by prospective students in college application personal statements.

College applicant, shown here agonizing over decision to include Twitter handle and most retweeted tweets on resume
"The finding of gluten intolerance or sensitivity as a condition frequently used to anchor a personal statement wasn't that surprising," lead researcher Hammersmith Wiggins explained. "What we didn't expect was that it had risen so far in the rankings since the last survey went out ten years ago."

Not even cracking the top ten conditions applicants credited for defining their world in 2004, gluten intolerance is inspiring in millions of future college students a deep desire to help change the world in addition to the need to avoid wheat, barley and rye or suffer one or more of over 250 vague symptoms. These can include anything from bloating and abdominal discomfort to fatigue and the ability to communicate with animals.

Admissions experts, like UC Berkeley Provost Alvin Copping, are divided over the use of non-celiac gluten sensitivity as a life adversity. "On one hand, it isn't recognized by the medical community as a legitimate condition. On the other, it can be a real stumbling block for students that just might serve as an impetus for creative solutions or the development of a higher level of emotional intelligence."

Wiggins and his team of researchers are calling for increased awareness of gluten intolerance as a possible focus for applicant personal statements, and warning high school guidance counselors especially to be on the lookout. "We don't think that this is a fad. This finding almost certainly represents a very real shift in our society's approach to the process of introspection and self-evaluation, and it is likely too late to do anything about it. May God have mercy on us all."