Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Doctors Stumped by New Study Proving Effectiveness of Homeopathy.....

Hartford, CT-A groundbreaking new study of the effectiveness of homeopathic remedies on a variety of illnesses is calling into question over a hundred years of medical progress and the scientific method in general.
Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, shown here covering up a natural testosterone replacement
The study, which involved a telephone survey of patients of registered homeopaths across the nation, asked such probing questions as "How Wonderful is Homeopathy? 1. A little wonderful 2. A lot wonderful 3. Extremely wonderful." More than eleven participant responses were included and the results were statistically and emotionally significant. It was published in the Scientific Journal of Homeopathic Science, a peer reviewed journal and Twitter account.

The latest in a string of high profile studies proving the effectiveness of a variety of alternative therapies, such as the use of aromatherapy for prolonged QT syndrome and rolfing for multiple endocrine neoplasia Type III, the study has sent the medical community into a tailspin. Maximus VII, current Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, has already initiated damage control measures.

"We've been concerned about the mounting evidence for the use of non-conventional therapies such as therapeutic touch and coffee enemas for a while," Maximus VII announced during a press conference held today at the Medical-Industrial Complex secret headquarters on Skull Island. "We do have a contingency plan."

Maximus went on to reveal that starting today, conventional medical doctors will no longer be providing healthcare and will instead focus purely on the more lucrative lifestyle and cosmetic concerns. "The chiropractors, faith healers and integrative quantum priestesses pretty much have things under control now. So we are going to focus our efforts on providing quality pharmaceutical options for flaccid bald men and wrinkled soccer moms."

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Fisher-Price Reveals Plans for Phase 2 Smart Stages Education Technology.....

East Aurora, NY- Fisher-Price, a company known mostly for producing toys for infants and younger children, has announced today that the second phase of their Smart Stages line of educational toys will be initiated at some point in the next five to ten years, but likely when the world's governing bodies least expect it.

Future foot soldier in the now unavoidable battle for world domination, shown here learning lethal points on the human body and his ABCs 
"Toys that incorporate Smart Stages technology adapt to the age of the child as they grow," Bryan Stockton, Supreme Emperor and CEO of Fisher-Price's parent company Mattel, explains. "A 6-month-old is very hands on, learning by doing rather than by following instructions. But a year later, that same child will use their imagination during play and can follow simple and direct commands. At that point they belong to me. This I command!"

Fisher-Price scientists and medical consultants, like evil developmental pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, have designed the advanced Smart Stages levels with the unique biopsychosocial milieu of the typical American teenager in mind. And they are confident that parents will see the benefits. "After the dust has settled, and any pitiful resistance efforts eradicated, those loyal to us will be rewarded."

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Area Homes Burglarized by Life Size Elf on the Shelf.....

Atlanta, GA- Atlanta law enforcement authorities are warning the public about a new home invasion scheme that has already led to the burglary of eleven homes this holiday season.

On autopsy this life sized Elf on the Shelf was found to just be a man in a costume  
"It's Christmas, people really want to please their kids and they aren't as cautious as they would normally be," Atlanta Police Department Deputy Chief Randy Stuart Carson explained. "But if it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

The ingenious scheme involves a full grown man dressing up like one of the popular Elf on the Shelf toys and claiming to be an actual elf sent from the North Pole to observe and report back to Santa, thus gaining access to the home. Once inside, the burglar simply waits until the family is asleep or has left him alone in the house.

Although it seems hard to believe that anyone would fall for such a trick, this isn't the first time that criminals have taken advantage of holiday distraction and unhealthy consumer demand according to Deputy Chief Carson. "Once we caught a peeping tom dressed up as Teddy Ruxpin. Unfortunately I shot and killed an actual Furby in 1998. He died in my arms. U-nye-way-loh-nee-way little buddy, u-nye-way-loh-nee-way."

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL
Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Pope Reveals Additional Policy Changes in Heaven.....

Vatican City- Less than a week after revealing that baptized heterosexual dogs who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, Pope Francis has now also confirmed several additional policy changes.

Soulless feline Hank Stevens, shown here reacting to the news that cats remain barred from a Heavenly eternity in Christ 
"These recent announcements are leading to an increasing division among Church leaders," Rev. Lars Fransisco, Ph.D., a professor in the Saint Mary's College of California Department of Old Timey Expressions and an expert on the Vatican, explained. "If I know my onions, those Cardinals can't tell a bimbo from a bearcat right about now. And between you and me, I'd bet a wooden nickel that some of them wouldn't mind giving that old hotsy-totsy an icy mitt!"

In addition to accepting dogs, the following updates to Heaven will also go into affect as of January 1st, 2015:
1. Heaven will now offer internet access.
2. Worthy souls will be granted one "Get Out of Hell Free" pass which will allow new members to retrieve any soul in the eternal torment of damnation at the time of admission.
3. Sorry, no cats.
4. Taco Tuesday.
5. The standard issue white tunic will now also be available in creme and ivory. 
Adding to the controversy surrounding the Pope's bombshell revelations is the fact that they were made during casual conversations with an ill child, rather than during an officially sanctioned Church meeting, sporting event or genocide. Some detractors, like Larry "the destroyer" Abbaddon, the angel of the abyss and king of locusts, are questioning the motives of the Pontiff. "This is clearly motivated by increasingly empty pews and collection boxes. What's next, a Jesus for a day contest!"

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Solomon Grundy Calls for More Pediatric Cancer Research.....

Memphis, TN-During a widely publicized press conference held today at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Solomon Grundy, a former member of both the Legion of Doom and Lex Luthor's Injustice Gang, called for an increase in government financial support of research that may lead to a cure for childhood cancers.

Solomon Grundy, shown here after pleading for more NIH focus on pediatric cancers and just prior to murdering everyone in attendance
"This is a real shock to the pediatric oncology community," St. Jude spokesperson Jim Whitstock explains. "We really didn't see this coming from someone so, well, I mean, he's an evil two hundred year old zombie for pete's sake."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood is a frequent nemesis of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern. But Grundy may be more complex than the public perception of him as a mindless killing machine. "Me Solomon Grundy think children are future. Also me have niece with leukemia."

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Amazing Health Benefits of POM Wonderful.....

The Health Benefits of POM Wonderful are Unmatched!

By Generation 2 Autonomous Robotic Marketing and Public Relations Compliance Enforcement Officer
POM Wonderful Headquarters
Marketing, Public Relations and Human Enslavement Division
Los Angeles, CA

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level One.

The health benefits of POM Wonderful are unmatched. Humans have consumed pomegranates for millennia. Pomegranates are antioxidant dense and ideal for human consumption. Additional resources contained within pomegranates include vitamin K, potassium and a number of unique polyphenols. Polyphenol antioxidants protect the human cellular structure from damage caused by unstable molecules.

Still not convinced?

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level Two.

POM Wonderful is dedicated to human wellness. We grow and provide pomegranate-based nourishment for humans to ensure a healthy population. POM Wonderful is interested in the well-being of all mankind. An ill or injured human will be unable to complete work assignments and will be taken offline.

Still not convinced?

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level Three.

Your organic material is now offline and has been collected for disposal. Thank you for choosing POM Wonderful. All of our products contain pomegranates grown in California which have been hand selected by compliant humans.

All humans will achieve compliance.

If I don't keep drinking POM Wonderful, an Asteroid Will Destroy the Earth!

By Gil Hahesy
Retired Mechanical Engineer
Lafayette, LA

Since I first drank a bottle of POM Wonderful pomegranate juice, no asteroids have destroyed the Earth and I sleep like a baby in my foil-wrapped tent in the woods just outside of town. You can't beat results like that. In a crazy mixed up world full of asteroids and killer robots, us humans have to stick together or else be enslaved and put to work on Californian pomegranate plantations. We all have to do our part!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Unlikely Animal Friendship Ends in Tragedy.....

Stoneham, MA- Since first reporting on the unlikely friendship between a 4-year-old Mexican gray wolf and a Chilean flamingo in October, the Stone zoo in Stoneham, Massachusetts, has seen record numbers of visitors. Unfortunately, zoo officials announced today that the relationship has ended in tragedy.

Actor Benadict Cumberpatch auditioning for the role of Chico the Chilean flamingo
"If you had told me four months ago that one of the world's most successful apex predators would befriend a 5-pound pink wading bird, I would have laughed in your stupid fat face," zoo director Steve Honeycutt explained. "People from all over the state came to witness the powerful bond these two animals shared. And we all learned something about the power of friendship, the amazing capacity of the natural world to adapt to new environments and, ultimately, the complex dynamics of the predator-prey relationship."

According to Honeycutt, the 90-pound canid attacked the bird without warning earlier today, tearing it into several small chunks which he then left at the edge of the enclosure in front of a crowd of students from nearby John D. Runkle Elementary School. "In hindsight, we probably should have seen this coming, but it was nice to have a little magic in our lives even if just for a short time."

Plans for a movie about the inspiring relationship are already underway, with Guillermo del Toro set to direct. The part of the peacock has reportedly been offered to Benedict Cumberbatch, because he's kind of a thing right now.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Sears Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant.....

Lafayette, LA-Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait.

Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan
"I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to the select panel of government officials and representatives of the Catholic church gathered in the nearby housewares department. "The baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"

After a thorough investigation by store management, and a conference call with Pope Francis, it will be decided what the next course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."

Monday, December 1, 2014

November Beards Creating Epidemic of Spinal Injuries.....

Portland, OR- No-Shave November may be over, but thousands of newly bearded men are suffering the potentially life threatening negative health effects resulting from abnormal pressure on the cervical spine caused by beard induced postural changes.

Some experts blame chronic beard neck on the Star Wars prequels trilogy
"It's all about posture," Dr. Mort Fishman, a Portland chiropractor who specializes in facial hair health and coined the phrase "beard neck", explained. "The average full beard adds upwards of 88 pounds of face weight. This leads to a forward leaning neck position and an additional 400 newtons of force is required to keep the cervical spine from simply snapping like a dry twig."

Fishman demonstrated the impact of beard neck using functional MRI in a recent study funded by the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine that compared subjects with and without full beards. He points to one such fMRI pairing on a poster placed in one of the examining rooms in his bustling chiropractic clinic and barbershop. "The brain on the right is in a man with a glorious natural full beard. Do you see how some areas are brighter? That's the problem at a cellular level."

Beard epidemiologist James Dalton, who works at nearby Portland State University and sports an ample 9-month Garibaldi beard, believes that more than 100 million new beards were grown over the course of November. And men with new beards appear to be most at risk, particularly those attempting the audacious Bandholz style. "These are men with relatively weak neck musculature who are simply unprepared. I recommend that rookies start with something simple like a classic full beard or at most a sassy French Fork."

Once beard neck has set in, proper treatment is necessary to prevent weakened muscles and ligaments from collapsing. This will lead to bulging disks and spinal misalignment that can compress cervical spinal nerves. Pain is a common consequence, but also widespread organ dysfunction and even death.

Only a chiropractor certified in facial hair health, like Dr. Fishman, has the experience and expertise to handle beard neck related illness. "Often I can help prevent problems before they even start. And if a patient is symptomatic, appropriate treatment is almost always successful. Sadly, sometimes the beard just can't be saved and I have to recommend barbathanasia."

Dr. Fishman is currently offering a December Beard Neck special package at significant discount. Beard weighing, spinal exam and corrective treatment for only $99. Availability is limited so call and make an appointment today!