Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Traditional Chinese Medical Researchers Develop Invisible, Incorporeal Acupuncture Needle.....

Bethesda, MD- Traditional Chinese Medical Researchers at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) have revealed the development of a revolutionary acupuncture delivery system that may soon replace the surgical-grade, .25 millimeter thick stainless steel needles that have been in use for millennia.

A study subject rests comfortably after facial placement of several newly developed acupuncture needles that are undetectable by stupid people. You aren't stupid though? Right? 
"This is a true leap forward in our ability to bring the benefits of acupuncture to those in need," Kuang Zhu LAC, Head of Pragmatic Acupuncture Research at NCCAM explained. "Having an acupuncture needle that is both invisible to the untrained naked eye and seemingly lacking in material existence has numerous benefits."

Despite thousands of years of use and literal buckets of positive acupuncture studies stored in secret underground NCCAM evidence containment facilities around the country, practitioners have faced many barriers to widespread acupuncture uptake by the general public according to Zhu. "Needle phobia, potential exposure to infectious diseases like hepatitis C and possible injury to internal organs are concerns that have limited our success despite the clear evidence of efficacy." Skeptics, however, have pointed out that an unbiased review of the acupuncture literature reveals that any positive outcomes are subjective and occur via placebo effects, and that insertion of a needle in a specific acupoint, or even insertion of a needle at all, isn't necessary to alter a patient's perception of their symptoms.

The invisible, incorporeal and painless needles will likely put the fears of most nervous potential acupuncture patients to rest without compromising effectiveness, but they will be unlikely to placate the bloggers at Science-Based Medicine, a hate group populated by pharmaceutical industry shills and integrative medicine deniers like cancer surgeon David H. Gorski, who called to comment without being invited. "I would like to see an explanation of how these so-called needles are even produced. This seems like more theatrical placebo to me."

Zhu and the NCCAM have so far denied requests to witness the manufacturing process or have refused access to the new needles for inspection, citing the potential for ultraweak spontaneous photon emission from the human eye to disrupt their cohesive non-existence. "Also the untrained hand will be unable to perceive the needles when held. And the untrained mind will fail to grasp their existence cognitively. Things like this should be left up to the experts."

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