Friday, January 31, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Which Wine Goes Best with this Meal.....

The House Red Really Brings the Best Out of this Mediocre Filet Mignon.  

by Lance Blackstone
Importer Exporter
Nashville, TN

Probably the most important thing I've learned as a connoisseur of fine wines from around the world is that a sophisticated palate can be both a boon and a hindrance to the enjoyment of a meal. On one hand, I've tasted flavors that the hoi polloi likely don't even know exist and certainly aren't contained in a bottle of Boone's Farm or Mad Dog 20/20. On the other hand, in addition to the glorious peaks, supertasters such as myself are also sometimes faced with the valleys of gustatory experience.

 Take this particular meal, for instance, as an example of both the zenith and the nadir of dining. If not for the exemplary house red wine, this muddled attempt at a filet mignon with accompanying mushroom risotto would be altogether inedible. But, as is often the case with an impeccable pairing, wine plays up the strengths of the food while downplaying its weaknesses. And this was an impeccable pairing.

The identity of this particular house wine is a mystery, but that is not unusual. Though often thought of as a basic and inexpensive choice, many gourmet establishments take pride in working with respected producers in order to arrange private blends bottled exclusively for them. I assume that the latter is true in this case, and here is why.

I only truly need one word to describe this wine: miraculous. But in wine aficionado parlance, this was a bright yet chewy red with exquisite balance and a long, complex finish. There is definitely some grip here, but it isn't harsh. Both hearty and delicate at the same time, a rare quality only typically seen in the highest quality wines, and rounded but not to the point of being overly robust. There is a predominance of plum and elderberries, a strong middle suit of fresh linen and pine straw, and an impressive finish of particle board and crushed fall leaves. Definitely an experience I won't soon forget!

Enjoying the Grape Juice and Urine Are We?

by Craig Smith
Nashville, TN

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Area Bigfoot Hunters Last Line of Defense Against Bloodthirsty Cryptids.....

Bucksnort, TN- When the citizens of Bucksnort go to sleep at night, they rest easy knowing that thanks to two of their own, their peaceful slumber is extremely unlikely to be disturbed by a vicious and hairy man-beast hellbent on devouring their flesh.

"My brother Derk and me got to protect the town from Bigfoot and all his kinfolk," local resident Tork Jenkins explained from the back of a camouflage painted ATV while holding a Mossberg 535C 12-gauge shotgun in one hand and a 16oz Natural Light in the other. "We set up traps all through these woods and check 'em every few days. Mostly we drive around and shoot at noises that sound like they could be something sneaking around. We mostly caught possums so far but we don't give up. This here is too important a job." 

Derk Jenkins, who has witnessed a Bigfoot on several occasions while bottling his homemade moonshine at the distillery out back of his trailer, began patrolling the wooded area outside of Bucksnort 7 months ago after he found neighbor Stimp Watkins unconscious and shot full of pellet. "I was hunting squirrels when I seen him. That was the last straw for me and Tork. Once we realized Bigfoot and his folk was armed, we knew we had to fight fire with fire."

The inhabitants of Bucksnort, an unincorporated community near exit 152 on Interstate 40, have mourned the loss of several of their number over the past several months as Bigfoot related shotgun injuries and fatalities have increased despite the Jenkins brothers' frequent patrols. "We know the Bigfeet are for the Devil," Derk revealed. "What we can't figure is why the attacks stopped while we was in Clarksville for that tractor pull."

Monday, January 27, 2014

ProbyoticZ! for Teens!.....

ProbyoticZ! for Teens
The Only Probiotic Formulated Just For Teens!

Teens after satisfying bowel movement
Did you know that 70% of your brain is actually in your intestines? So the health of your gut affects how well your brain is functioning. Scientific studies have shown that taking a probiotic supplement can improve your intestinal health, but until now teens have been forced to use products designed for adults.

Adolescence is a unique period of transition from childhood into adulthood. Your teenage body is going through a lot of changes. It's total chaos! You wouldn't take your grandmother's blood pressure medication, right? So why would you take an adult probiotic?

ProbyoticZ! for Teens
Not Your Grandmother's Probiotic!

Non-threatening multiethnic children ages 15-19

ProbyoticZ! for Teens is the first and only probiotic supplement designed specifically with the teenage intestinal environment in mind. It works with your body, not against it. And it won't cause embarrassing diarrhea, so you can keep partying or playing video games, or whatever. But what is a probiotic anyway?

A probiotic isn't bacteria that gets paid to play on a professional sports team. I'm just using humor to help make a connection with you. A probiotic is a micro-organism that improves your health when you eat it. There are lots of foods that contain probiotics, like fermented bean paste, but they are hard to find and often unpalatable. So probiotic supplements, like ProbyoticZ! for Teens, are the next best thing.

Research shows that probiotics can treat all kinds of medical problems, and they boost your immune system so you won't get sick as often. And our proprietary blend of beneficial bacteria, like Lactobacillus jayzerii and Saccharomyces taylorswiftophilus, have been genetically modified to not just tolerate exposure to high concentrations of foods like Red Bull and Doritos, but to thrive in them.

So what can you expect after you start taking ProbyoticZ! for Teens?

1. Regular and more satisfying bowel movements
2. Increased energy and mental focus
3. Better grades
4. Clearer skin
5. Increased popularity
6. Parental understanding
7. Improved confidence
8. Success in athletic competitions
9. Being noticed by hot and/or dreamy classmate of the same or opposite sex depending on your preference
10. The power to control the actions of others with your thoughts and possibly x-ray vision

So what are you waiting for? Everyone else has already started. And I heard that Taylor Lautner and Willow Smith take ProbyoticZ! for Teens.

Willow Smith giving thumbs up for ProbyoticZ! for Teens?

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Enduring ENERGY Promises to Revolutionize Energy Drink Market and Human Existence.....

Wabash, IN- Hoping to maintain its dominance in the intensely competitive energy drink industry, the company that brought us the 5-hour ENERGY energy shot is claiming that their new product, Enduring ENERGY, will revolutionize the energy drink market and redefine human existence.

"When we first introduced 5-hour ENERGY in 2004, we changed the way the game was played," Living Essentials CEO Manoj Barghava explained. "Now the marketplace is crowded. We may be the industry leader right now, but what about in five or ten years. With Enduring ENERGY, our place at the top is assured forever."

Unlike all other energy products, which have to be consumed by mouth and result in only transient stimulant effects, Enduring ENERGY works continuously. And you don't even have to drink Enduring ENERGY.
Consumers who purchase the Enduring ENERGY system will undergo a simple surgical procedure which involves the implantation of an internal pump and catheter so that Enduring ENERGY can be delivered at a constant rate, straight to your central nervous system.

According to Barghava, energy scientists have been struggling for years to overcome a number of barriers:

We knew about caffeine, but it took years to figure out what combinations of additional active ingredients, like B vitamins and amino acids, would work best. It's complex biochemistry not baking cookies! We worked out how to reduce the volume without losing the effect, and that's when 5-hour ENERGY burst onto the scene. But the biggest obstacle has always been the blood-brain barrier.
The blood-brain barrier is made up of the specialized junctions between cells in the vertebrate central nervous system, and it is extremely effective at keeping the brain separated from the blood. So it's great for protecting the brain from toxic chemicals and maintaining a stable environment, but bad news for energy drink manufacturers because a large percentage of the consumed energy is lost to metabolism and wasted on other organs like the liver or plectum. Enduring ENERGY is the first energy product that completely bypasses the blood-brain barrier for optimal energy.

So how does Enduring ENERGY provide a nonstop boost, maintaining a state of full alertness without that annoying crash or the need to waste time lifting a beverage container to your mouth and swallowing? It's as easy as modern science. Medical scientists have long used pumps and internally placed catheters to deliver medicine intrathecally. Now the makers of Enduring ENERGY are incorporating the power of intrathecal delivery into their cutting edge new system. But what is intrathecal delivery exactly?

An intrathecal injection occurs when a medicine is delivered directly into the spinal canal, allowing immediate access to the cerebrospinal fluid that nourishes and protects our brains. Historically this type of drug delivery system was put into use for administering chemotherapy and for treating pain, but a number of additional indications have come on line in recent years. Doctors all over the world are using intrathecal medicines to fight infections and even treat cerebral palsy. And now with Enduring ENERGY, hard working and no nonsense folks can take on their day with 100% efficiency so that they can achieve all of their hopes and dreams!

Enduring ENERGY isn't for everyone reveals Barghava:

I want potential consumers to think long and hard about their readiness to engage life full throttle, and to live a fully realized existence without regret over things which they are just too tired to accomplish. Some people are also probably not ready to give up activities like sleep and blinking, while others see them as the shackles they are. 
He further cautions buyers to avoid cheap knock off products that will likely hit store shelves soon after Endure ENERGY stating that when it comes to a surgically placed catheter and pump, quality is important. The Endureing ENERGY system will be sold only from barges anchored in international waters and will retail for $3,500, cash only.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Fraudulent Homeopath Arrested for Diluting Remedies.....

Kansas Ctiy, MO-After a month long investigation, a Kansas City doctor has been charged with diluting homeopathic remedies in order to increase profits, and now faces up to 30 years behind bars.

"I've never seen anything like this before," North American Meeting of Concerned Homeopaths (NAMCH) president Arlene Lloyd explained. "Sure there is a bad apple in every bunch, but this is unprecedented in the history of homeopathy."

Homeopath Rick Rutledge, who has practiced in Kansas City for over 30 years, began buying cheaper knockoff homeopathic solutions from unlicensed producers in the early 1990's. Within a few years, he was diluting remedies, sometimes making several gallons from one small bottle of the original tincture. But he didn't dilute the amount of money he was charging patients for his treatments.

According to Lloyd, both practices are illegal and dangerous:

So-called "Gray Market" homeopathic remedies have not undergone the same kind of safety and efficacy testing as those from approved manufacturers. And there are serious concerns that they may be simply putting the same sugar or alcohol solution into bottles with different labels. The effects of over diluting true homeopathic remedies can range from nil to catastrophic if the stronger dilutions are properly potentized.
By charging patients for over diluted homeopathic solutions, Rutledge has made millions over the past twenty years. Investigators estimate that he diluted nearly 20,000 remedies, putting thousands of patients at risk of negative direct effects of the more potent treatments, or of receiving worthless bottles of water. Law enforcement agents are still looking into the possibility that his fraudulent practice led to patient deaths because of delayed or lack of appropriate treatment.

Rutledge's scheme was undone by his simple bad luck. Not realizing that one of his patients was the grandmother of a chemistry professor at nearby University of Missouri-Kansas City, he prescribed her one of his bogus remedies. Concerned that her grandmother was being cheated, she had the solution tested and sure enough, it was pure ethanol. The authorities were notified and the investigation began.

The homeopathic community in Kansas City is responding to the controversy, rallying to both alleviate patient concerns over their own treatments and to help those potentially harmed by Rutledge. A number of practices in the area are offering, at a substantial discount, a full session to assess if additional remedies might be needed to put things right. The NAMCH has also contacted a number of Kansas City homeopaths to let them know about a revolutionary new "reverse succussion" process to restore over diluted solutions to appropriate potency.

"While these extremely potent solutions may be safe in most patients, some populations, like infants, the very old and the very sick, may be at risk of complications, Lloyd revealed. "We are offering to sell this proprietary reverse succussion and concentration process to our members for a minimal fee."

If you live in the Kansas City area and were a patient of Dr. Rutledge, you may be entitled to seek compensation. But you may also be at risk of serious health problems so please seek out a different practitioner as soon as possible for evaluation and treatment if needed. Here is a list of questions to ask at your first visit to make sure you aren't going to be swindled by another charlatan:

1. Do you prescribe remedies diluted to the point where no molecules of the original substance remain?
2. Do you prescribe remedies that have not been tested for safety and efficacy?
3. Are you a homeopath?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, seriously reconsider the arrangement.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

A Confused Pope Francis Discovered Wandering Vatican Grounds.....

Vatican City- Pope Francis, the seemingly universally beloved 266th Pope of the Catholic Church, was found outside the Domus Sanctae Marthae guesthouse today, seemingly lost and confused by basic Church dogma.

"He was just wandering around St. Martha's Square, nowhere near the Apostolic Palace," Cardinal Secretary of State Pietro Parolin explained. "He was rejecting worldliness and denouncing capitalism, even leaving the door open for the discipline of clerical celibacy to be optional!"

This wouldn't be the first time that a standing Pope has strayed from the traditions of the Church. The shortest reigning Pontiff, Pope Urban VII, attempted to make smoking an excommunicable offense and was believed to have died from malaria after only 13 days on the job in September of 1590, although no mosquitoes were recovered from the scene. Some scholars believe that other controversial Popes have died under mysterious circumstances. Francis, according to Parolin, is not in any danger however.

"I must admit my initial concern when he was found calling for more tenderness, mercy and compassion for homosexuals and women who use contraception," Parolin revealed. "But after a glass of water and a nice visit with the Pontifical Swiss Guard, I am confident that Francis is still a Pope we can count on to limit the rights of women and gays, and protect child molesters from prosecution. I would also like to say that I do fully support more breastfeeding in church."

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Knudsen's Kitchen: Classic Recipes with a Modern Twist.....

The following recipe was submitted by reader, and Belvidere's Mayor, Spooner Jenkins.

Few drinks are more refreshing on a cold Winter's night than a properly muddled Rum Turnip. I pride myself on making one of the best Rum Turnips in Southern Nebraska. I probably shouldn't be doing this but here goes.

Spooner's Rum Turnip


1. Rum (I prefer a dark rum but any variety will do)
2. 1 large turnip, squeezed
3. 5 large shrimp, boiled, with the shell
4. Tabasco sauce
5. Soda water
6. 1 large lemon chopped fine, seeds removed
7. Garlic powder
8. Salt
9. 1 large onion, chopped and sweated
10. Lard (the highest quality you can afford)


1. Blender
2. Cheesecloth, extra fine weave
3. Muddler
4. 12 ounce glass tumbler


Place the chopped and sweated onion, shrimp with shell, and chopped lemon in the blender. Add 6 ounces soda water and pulse for 10 seconds. Add 5 drops of Tabasco sauce, pinch of salt, and garlic powder to taste. Pulse for additional 10 seconds. Grease the inside of the 12 ounce tumbler with lard and strain the contents of blender through the cheesecloth into the glass. Use the muddler to further break down any chunks. Add 1 ounce rum. Top off with turnip juice. 


Spooner Jenkins
Belvidere, NE

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

A 5-Year-Old Girl Reviews Movies Her Parents are Watching: The Wolverine

Knudsen's News film critic Preslilly Gilbert buying a pony
The Wolverine
A movie review by Preslilly Gilbert

The Wolverine is a violence movie with Huge Jackman. His name is Huge because he has really big muscles. He has spiky hair and likes to growl. He has a motorcycle. He has sharp knife hands that he hurts bad guys with until they fall asleep. My bedtime is 7. When I am fifty my bedtime will be late so I can watch mommy daddy shows and drink wine.

There are lots of adults talking and making mean faces in this movie. Some of the people go to sleep after being hurt but then wake up and fight a robot. A pretty lady licks on things and smiles pretty so she is nice but not a princess. My favorite princess is Frozen.

In the movie there are bombs. They are loud and my dolls are scared but I am not scared. It is in Japan. My daddy says Japan was bad a long time ago but now makes electronics and weird TV shows. My ballet teacher says boys can do ballet.

I give this move fifty five hundred thumbs because I had ice cream after dinner and my mommy said to stay in my room and I played on my Leap Pad. I have to go to the bathroom.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Common Diseases Many People Don't Know They Have.....

The Health Patrol

with Mitch Rangler

Ever since plants and animals evolved from smaller plants and animals thousands of years ago, humans have been facing a vicious onslaught of horrible diseases and nutritional deficiencies. It's incredible how far mankind has come since the days of the dinosaurs, but at the same time it's astounding how we haven't all kicked the bucket.
According to the International Meeting of Interested Nutritionopathists, there are literally millions of imbalances, insufficiencies and other nutrition based ailments that could potentially smite us at any time. Despite this, humanity continues to succeed, especially in America where life expectancy rates keep increasing, even for liberals. But don't start slapping each other on the tuckus just yet. The Global Burden of Disease Study conducted in 2010 showed that the number of deaths over age 70 had risen to 43% worldwide, from 33% just 20 years prior. But why are more and more old folks dying every year?
It's because of all the diseases that people can have without even knowing? But why don't more people know? Could it be because of all the egghead fathead medical doctors in their ivory towers who only know about unnatural synthetic drugs, radiation and surgery? 
Recognizing these diseases and treating them with the appropriate use of plant and animal parts requires a fully apprenticed Nutritionopathist. If every man, woman and child over the age of 65 received the care they deserved, who knows how much longer we could live. 115 years? Maybe longer or not. 
Here is my list of the most common hidden diseases that I've encountered in my career of practice. These deadly maladies often go undetected, sometimes for decades. Many are never even diagnosed and must be assumed. I'll also throw in a few tips on how to prevent or cure them using the natural healing powers of Nutritionopathy.
1. Botulance - Gas is never normal. Only a fully apprenticed Nutritionopath can tell if your uncomfortable bloating is being caused by botulance, which is the number one cause of death and often mimics other causes of death like heart disease and cancer.
2. Oxygen deficiency - Did you know that most water is only 1/3 oxygen? Your vital innards need oxygen to function. Make sure that at least half of the atoms in your water are oxygen. 
3. Cerebral Spinal Fluid Inspissation (CSFI) - Thickened spinal fluid makes the brain foggy and slows signals to the organs. A number of famous celebrities have died from this and drug overdoses.

4. Bricklayer's Fever - Fever is commonly associated with severe illness and even death. But what if your fever doesn't result in a rise in measurable body temperature. It could smolder for years without detection by medical doctors. Only a fully apprenticed practitioner of Nutritionopathy can make the diagnosis and provide appropriate treatment.

If you are waiting on science and medical doctors to sort this out, it may be too late. You can't diagnose and cure a condition if you don't know about it. So while you are thinking about ways to improve your life in 2014, consider making the switch to Nutritionopathy. My resolutions are less gristle, more tapioca and making a new friend here at the home. It's just not the same around here since Larry passed.

If you have questions about Nutritionopathy, write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send to Mitch Rangler at @TheHealthPatrol. You can also sign up for his newsletter which he will write and mail out once he has access to the mimeograph in the basement.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Point Counterpoint: Natural Therapies.....

Natural Therapies Are the Safest and Most Effective Means of Achieving True Health!

by Mitch Rangler
The Health Patrol (@TheHealthPatrol)
Belvidere, NE

There's no doubt about it folks. Plants and animal parts hold the key to true health, and not a bottle filled with synthetic chemicals cooked up in some ivory tower laboratory in "San Francisco". Now I didn't go to college or a fancy Ivory League medical academy, and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. It was placed there to keep my tongue from blocking my air tube. I didn't need science then, and still don't need it now. In fact, I've worked my keister off for the past 60 years perfecting the scientific art of Nutritionology.

How do I know it works?

1. I've seen it work. Literally many times!
2. Lots of people use it. If it didn't work, people would just throw it out like yesterdays newspaper!
3. Really smart people recommend it. I'm smart and I recommend it!
4. Doctors and "modern medicine" can't cure everything and their drugs and surgeries aren't risk free. Trust your gut!
5. It's simple and easy to understand. The best solutions sometimes are!

Still not convinced? Well maybe a study performed in Europe will convince you. They took one hundred people and gave them a free coupon for a certified Nutritionology evaluation and treatment plan. Of the subjects that used the coupon and returned the survey one month later, more than half were happy with their health. But you won't see this on the cover of Time magazine. Why? Because Big Pharma controls the media. If you're healthy, they don't make money. I make money because you're healthy!

Now Where Did I Put that Vial of Weaponized Smallpox?

by Maximus VII
Supreme Overlord of the Medical Industrial Complex
Skull Island

Where did I leave that vial of weaponized smallpox? You know, the disease which modern science wiped off the face of the planet. I could have sworn I left it in my lab next to the SuperEbola and the Chupacabra poison gland extract. There is no Chupacabra? Yes, that's right. There is no Chupacabra. And its poison gland certainly doesn't contain a chemical that could cure cancer.

When I placed the head of Maximus VI on a spike outside the headquarters of the CDC in Atlanta, I wasn't just making an example of those who would defy me. I was also showing the weak and impotent that there truly is no point in resisting. By removing all hope, I give you purpose. And that purpose is purchasing over-the-counter decongestants and bringing your sniveling brats to an emergency department so a highly trained doctor capable of restarting a heart can diagnose their mild ear infection and constipation.

Listen. Medicine isn't perfect. It actually kills a lot of people, some of which would make excellent prey for my genetically modified Broccosaurus. It's a mutant strain of cruciferous vegetable that I keep chained underneath the White House. But medicine helps more than it hurts. Trust me, If modern pharmaceutical agents and my physician minions batted a thousand, you wouldn't like it. It's the circle of life.