Monday, March 31, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Strange But True Facts About Your Body.....


with Mitch Rangler

I've spent decades learning the intricacies of the human body. As a fully apprenticed practitioner of Nutritionopathy, meaning I trained under experts in the field with literally centuries of combined experience in Europe, it's my job to know how things work and what to do about it when they don't. Like rubbing swamp cabbage on a dislocated plectum. 

A lot of people think they know themselves inside and out, but most people don't know squat. Here are ten strange but true facts about our bodies that I've learned over the years:

1. Did you know that the human eye is more than just a window to the soul. Each eye is unique. Inside of each and every eye is a small camera that focuses, adjusts for the environmental conditions, and uses a flash when necessary. 

2. The average man has over 50 pounds of fecal matter in his large intestine. If everybody ate more fiber, there wouldn't be an obesity epidemic. We aren't sure how much stool is in most women's intestines. Some experts say a lot. I disagree.

3. An infant's fingerprints don't develop until they are almost a year old. This is why so many of their crimes remain unsolved. That and their ability to blend into almost any environment and fit through any opening larger than their head. 

This baby murderer evaded detection for nearly eleven hours!
4. The small intestine is coiled up like a long rope in your abdominal cavity. If it was completely unwound it would fill a bucket 6.4e-50 the size of Jupiter.

5. Humans aren't as hairy as cats, or even a marmoset, but we still have over a million hairs follicles per square inch of skin. During times of stress, such as illness or an interview for a new job, humans are known to grow over an inch of hair an hour.

6. The 538th leading cause of death in humans is when the brain squirts out of our ears during a hard sneeze.

Artist rendering of hypothetical spleen
7. Our organs are each designed for specific purposes to help keep our bodies running smoothly. But did you know that we still don't know what or where the spleen is. Many experts don't even believe it exists. Others do.

8. You are what you eat according to experts. But do they really mean it? That's hard to believe because I eat a lot of prunes. I'm wrinkly, but isn't there more to being a prune than that?

9. If you plugged your brain into a computer, would you be able to download your personality? Or is it upload? Why does everyone keep telling me I need an email? 

Tiny vibration sensing hairs in the human nose
10. The human nose can differentiate thousands of different smells. Blind people can develop their sense of smell so much that some have been known to use it for navigation. One famous blind man could even drive while sticking his head out of the window.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

FOX Greenlights 24: Cosmos, Orders First Billion Episodes.....

Earth-Attempting to capitalize on the success of the critically acclaimed reboot of Carl Sagan's Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, this time hosted by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and updated with recent scientific advances and cutting edge computer generated imagery, FOX Broadcasting Company has greenlit production of a spinoff based on another phenomenally successful FOX series, 24.

"People love the real time action and suspense of 24," explained FOX Broadcasting Co. Chairman of Entertainment Kevin Reilly. "But many people also love the awe and wonder of space and our cosmic origins. It just makes sense to combine them."

Each episode of 24: Cosmos will take the viewer through one 24 hour day in the life of our universe, starting with the Big Bang roughly 13.8 billion years ago. But who, or what, is behind the rapid expansion of the totality of matter and energy in existence won't be revealed until at least season 5,037,000,000,000. Critics are already questioning whether future inhabitants of Earth, or Earth-2, will stay tuned to find out if time traveling counter terrorism astronaut Jack Bauer will get to the bottom of it before the Big Freeze destroys all life in the universe.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Area Man Stumps Scientists with Car Ornament.....

Athens, AL-Evolution, the scientific theory which claims that the diversity of life on Earth has emerged due to environmental pressures shaping the accumulation of random genetic changes over millions of years, was dealt a potentially fatal blow today when local Arby's manager Roy Seale placed a chrome-colored plastic ornament depicting a large Christian ichthus fish eating a Darwin fish on the bumper of his 1995 Toyota Camry.

"I just felt that it was about time that someone exposed evolution as the unscientific belief system it is," Seale explained to the crowd of onlookers gathered in the restaurant parking lot, including of a number of rather sheepish evolutionary biologists. "Let this final nail in the coffin of evolution serve as a beacon of hope to all those that would stand up against the iron-fisted rule of the dogmatic methodological naturalists!"

Handsome Caucasian Man Holding a Bird
Retreating to her underground lair beneath the acid mines near Oakland, California, evil National Center for Science Education mastermind Eugenie Scott expressed dismay regarding the sudden change of fate for the once well-accepted scientific theory of evolution. "I guess it's back to the drawing board for us now unfortunately. But I'm sure that with the full resources of the NCSE at my disposal it won't take long before we're back on top."

Seale, now being heralded as the "Bringer of Light" and "Truth Warrior" by his followers, already has plans to bring the proponents of other controversial scientific notions to their knees with additional vehicle decals. "I have one where an apple is floating back up towards a tree branch."

Friday, March 21, 2014

New Study Links Infant Gluten Sensitivity to Rare Genetic Syndrome in Parents....

Philadelphia- A study performed at the prestigious Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, and published this week in the Annals of Pediatric Medicine, revealed a surprising link between a rare genetic disorder in one or both parents and infant gluten sensitivity.

"This is a truly landmark study that looked at thousands of babies placed on gluten free diets by their parents," Pediatric Geneticist Mort Fishman explained. "Nearly 100% of these young infants with gluten sensitivity have a parent, sometimes two, with a condition known as Magnum Manus."

Man with Magnum Manus shown here waving like an idiot

Magnum Manus, or Big Hand syndrome, was first described by Dr. C. Sagan late last century and has been linked to a number of other conditions. Now gluten intolerance in infants can be added to the list along with chronic Lyme disease, candida overgrowth syndrome, electromagnetic hypersensitivity and many more. Dr. Fishman recommends that any parents concerned about one of these conditions be tested for Magnum Manus:
"I recommend formal genetic testing of course, but a simple at home maneuver can be quite informative. In most humans, the size of the hand is roughly equivalent to the size of the face. Simply place your hand on your face while a friend or loved one observes for a significant size discrepancy."
Dr. Fishman cautions parents with suspected Magnum Manus not to panic. While most babies with gluten sensitivity do have parents with the syndrome, most sufferers don't have children with any major medical problems. Often any perceived symptoms can be explained by more common conditions that don't require special diets or treatment regimens, or by a simple misunderstanding of normal behavior.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Breaking it Down: What are Americans Blaming Natural Disasters On.....

14%- Atheists 

21%- Evolution

25%- Monsanto

13%- Liberals

15%- Book learnin'

9%%- Accidentally touching a friend's penis at football camp

2%- Masturbating at grandmother's funeral

1%- Reversal of the Earth's magnetic field, Planet X/Nibiru, HAARP, chemtrails and global climate change 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Lady Gaga Dress Made Almost Entirely Out of Insect Larvae Secretions.....

New York- No stranger to controversial clothing choices, Lady Gaga again shocked the world during an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night wearing a dress made almost entirely out of the salivary gland secretions of insect larvae.

"It was incredible, just unbelievable," revealed Fallon after the show. "If you had asked me a few hours ago, I would have said that nothing could top the dress made out of meat. But here we are."

The dress, reportedly collected by hand using a process invented thousands of years ago in China, has created an internet frenzy with rumors about the origin of the dress being one of the hottest topics of discussion over the past 12 hours. Gaga supporters are praising her fearless fashion while many question the ethics of a manufacturing process that likely ends with the death of thousands of insect larvae. Despite its disgusting origins, according to a representative from the Gaga camp the dress is extremely smooth and soft, not slippery at all, and it has a beautiful natural shine.

Lady Gaga herself was not available for comment.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Are You Suffering from Quantum Fatigue?


with Mitch Rangler

Have you or a loved one suffered from any of the following conditions?

-Headache following heavy alcohol consumption
-Feeling tired prior to going to sleep
-Aching muscles after strenuous exercise
-Constipation, diarrhea, or normal stooling patterns
-Difficulty remembering names of childhood acquaintance's parents, international phone numbers, or pi to 100 decimal places
-Sensitivity to fire
-Hair and fingernail growth despite frequent attempts at cutting and trimming
-Intestinal peristalsis
-Negative feedback within the neuroendocrine system leading to widespread homeostasis

If so, then you or your loved one almost certainly suffer from Quantum FatigueWhat? You haven't heard of it? Of course you haven't. Why? Because your doctor, and the drug companies DON'T WANT YOU TO! If you knew about Quantum Fatigue, and the simple method that has a greater than 100% chance of curing it, then they wouldn't be able to profit from your never ending DIS-EASE!

That's right. There isn't any money in being HEALTHY!

I don't usually advertise products, but sometimes it's just the right thing to do. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's called the Quantum3000 MegaMiracle Cleanse System, and it has been curing Quantum Fatigue in Europe for decades!

But don't take my word for it!

"Dear Quantum3000 MegaMiracle Cleanse System User,

My name is Dr. John D. Wilson and I am a board certified Doctor of Quantum Cleansing that has been researching Quantum Fatigue for the past 50 years. I want to warn you about the dangers of Quantum Fatigue. Did you know that every living person in the world suffers from Quantum Fatigue. And that until now there wasn't a cure for this deadly condition, a condition that causes such devastating symptoms as childhood curiosity, inability to hear outside 20 Hz and 20 kHz, and frequent involuntary movement of the diaphragm.

For years, the cause of Quantum Fatigue eluded even the most brilliant Quantum researchers such as myself. But a recent breakthrough has given me the answer, and it is a simple one. Thanks to my work, and that of Deepak Chopra, we now know that Quantum Fatigue is a weakening of bodymind from a quantum level. That means from a level which is not manifest at a sensory level. Our bodies ultimately are fields of information, intelligence and energy. Quantum Fatigue involves a negative shift in the fields of energy information, so as to bring about a deficit in an idea that has gone wrong. So Quantum Fatigue involves the weakness of one mode of consciousness, mind, which brings about negative changes in another mode of consciousness, body.

Once this obvious fact became clear, the means to cure Quantum Fatigue was quickly discovered: The Quantum3000 MegaMiracle Cleanse System. It is the only full body cleansing system that works on ridding the body of not only the accumulated toxins acquired from modern realities such as vaccinations, power lines, chemtrails and hydrolyzed proteins, but also quantum entaglements, spooky actions at a distance and quantum uncertainty. It is also the only cleansing system that I recommend to my patients with Quantum Fatigue.

Dr. John D. Wilson, DQC"

Not convinced yet? Worried about the cost? Don't be! Because if you order the Quantum3000 MegaMiracle Cleanse System right now, not only will you be taking the first steps toward PERFECT HEALTH, you'll be doing so for a fraction of the regular cost. For only 4 payments of $29.99*, you can get started. Plus, if you aren't satisfied, and have a letter from a member of the National Academy of Science or Stephen Hawking describing their experimental data proving that your Quantum Fatigue has not been completely cured, you will receive a portion of your money back!


What do you have to lose? Only your health. If you don't order now that is! ORDER NOW! And if you mention Mitch Rangler and The Health Patrol, they'll take 5% off of the first order!**

* Plus a lifetime monthly fee of $29.99
** This service will cost an additional 10%

Monday, March 10, 2014

Disney Buys Naming Rights for Mysterious Polio-Like Illness.....

Burbank, CA- In a move that has surprised industry analysts and shocked the medical community, The Walt Disney Company has purchased naming rights for the mysterious polio-like illness that has affected as many as 25 children in California since 2012.

"This is simply unprecedented in modern medicine," San Francisco based pediatric neurologist Mort Fishman explained. "Typically when a new disease is discovered, it is described by its symptomatology or associated laboratory abnormalities. Or the researchers who first discovered or popularized the condition give it a name. Sometimes it catches on, and sometimes a more grassroots name evolves over time. Who would Disney even buy it from?"

Disney, a company associated more with theme parks and major motion pictures than medical discoveries, played no role whatsoever in research on the new disease. Neurologists caring for these children, who have been stricken suddenly with severe weakness and even total paralysis of one or more extremities, some even suffering loss of the ability to breathe on their own, have described the condition as polio-like because of its similarity with the once prevalent vaccine preventable infection. Although these children have not been infected with the polio virus, researchers do suspect that a different viral pathogen is to blame.

Media analyst Harb Billingsly, who has written extensively on Disney over the past four decades, sees this move as an advertising paradigm shift. "If this disease becomes a pandemic, Disney has an advertising bonanza. It will be in medical charts all over the world. People will literally be screaming Disney's name. As they say in the business, no publicity is bad publicity!"

Billingsly revealed that there are other potential uses for the disease in addition to breaking new ground in advertising:
"Disney has sunk a lot of money into their Avengers franchise with great reward, and now they own the Star Wars name. This mystery illness might be worked into the plot of an upcoming movie. Maybe the Avengers need to find a cure, or a young Jedi becomes paralyzed and must develop his powers in an interesting new way. The sky is the limit."
Disney has yet to make any announcements regarding the name chosen for the disease.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

McDonald's Purchases New Orleans Children's Hospital.....

New Orleans, LA- Children's Hospital of New Orleans has been purchased by the world famous McDonald's Corporation.

The hospital, which has long served the children of New Orleans, as well as the rest of the state, will now be dishing out healthcare that is efficient, effective and delicious. Ronald McDonald himself was present at a press conference, held today in the hospital auditorium, where the announcement was made to a packed house by McDonald's PR Chairman the Hamburglar. He then spent the rest of the day taking questions from staff and entertaining patients and their families with his wacky antics.

Multiethnic nonthreatening toddlers with clown
The buyout is no surprise to Costa Dimitriades M.D., Chief Resident of the pediatric program at the hospital. "This only reflects a growing trend in this country where corporations outright buy a facility instead of simply obtaining naming rights," explained Dimitriades. "In fact, just last week Burger King purchased an outpatient orthopedic center in Pittsburgh. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac, but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me, and it's important to my patients."

Besides replacing the cafeteria with one of their high quality eateries, there will be hospital wide policy changes reflecting the new administration. The executives at McDonald's, through their liaison Grimace, have worked day and night with the doctors and nurses to establish a new set of rules and regulations:

1. Instead of asking what brings you here today, doctors will now say "Welcome to Children's Hospital may I take your order?"

2. All medical terminology used at the hospital will now have the prefix "Mc" added to it. For example, nurses will use a McRectal Thermometer to take your McTemperature.

3. In addition to the regular medical tests and procedures, a 99-cent value menu will be made available at the hospital. It will include such items as the McCBC and the McThird Year Medical Student History and Physical Exam.

4. Popular menu items will be liquefied for use in total parenteral nutrition.

Kristen Nelson M.D., a second year resident at Children's has reflected on the situation. "I think it will be a difficult transition, especially the drive through emergency department, but I know in my heart of hearts that this is what is best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Nurses Turning to Ancient Technique to Aid Blood Draws.....

Boulder, CO- In an effort to improve patient care by reducing the number of needle sticks needed to obtain IV access or to draw blood for testing, an increasing number of nurses have turned to an ancient method of finding sources of underground water.

"Finding a suitable vein for drawing blood or placing an IV can be challenging, particularly in older or obese patients," explained Portance Samuelson, a nurse at the Mountain View Manor skilled nursing facility in Boulder and recipient of a practitioner certification in Medical Dowsing. "Since I began using medical dowsing to locate good veins, I can hardly remember any instances where I haven't been successful in the first couple of tries."

A set of medical grade phlebotomy dowsing rods, manufactured by Globodyne Industries
Dowsing, known historically as "water witching", is a 600-year-old method of divination traditionally used to find groundwater. But over the years, dowsing practitioners have branched out into other areas. These days dowsers can be found not only on farms finding new sources of fresh water, but also working with petrochemical companies to help locate new oil deposits, and prospectors searching for hidden gold.

The addition of locating hard to find veins to dowsing's repertoire was truly a no-brainer. And it originated in Boulder, right down the street from the Mountain View Manor skilled nursing facility. Since 2008, the Institute of Medical Dowsing (IMD) has offered certification to interested nurses and other healthcare professionals. The IMD is actively pursuing national accreditation of their Medical Dowsing Certification (MDC) with the National Commission for Certifying Agencies (NCCA) as well as credentialing from the Institute of Credentialing Excellence (ICE) for their Medical Dowsing Certified Practitioner (MDCP) program. They have successfully obtained approval from the National Acronym Approval Association (NAAA).

Nurse Samuelson, shown here using dowsing rods to locate a missing patient
For those interested in a more advanced understanding of medical dowsing, the MDCP program consists of a rigorous weekend session designed to teach the knowledge of dowsing as it applies to a variety of medical areas, not simply phlebotomy. For instance, a certified medical dowser can also help locate hidden areas of inflammation or cancer. They can also be called upon to find lost articles of clothing or a patient's car keys upon discharge from a facility.

How medical dowsing, and dowsing in general, works remains somewhat of a mystery. Proponents believe that their specially designed tools, often in the form of two L-shaped rods, allow for the detection of subtle energies or vibrations. One school of thought, in regards to medical dowsing, is that the metallic rods are drawn together when over a source rich in iron such as human blood. A hit occurs when the two rods move over one another. X marks the spot, as they say. Or they may point in opposite directions, forming a straight line, to indicate a particularly long segment of blood vessel close to the surface.

Critics have questioned the validity of dowsing, citing the failure to successfully find water under controlled testing conditions and an overall lack of plausibility. But this type of negativity doesn't concern Nurse Samuelson and other proud practitioners of medical dowsing. "I know it works because I've seen the results myself. And patients love it. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters?"

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Understanding the Fundamental Fabric of the Cosmos.....

It's All a Lie, Man.  

by Beet Juice
Bisbee, AZ

It's all a lie, man. You. Me. Spacetime. It isn't real. The Big Bang was a cosmic joke and, and, we're the fools. It's like right in front of your eyes!

We're all inside of snowflake and that snowflake is inside of another snowflake. And that snowflake is inside of an egg. We breathe oxygen but what does oxygen breathe? You can't know!

Listen, man. Look at these colors. If you eat colors you are colors. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

No, He's Actually Right.  

by Neil deGrasse Tyson
Manhattan, New York City, NY

No, he's actually right.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Fraternity Scientists Hope to See Boobs by the End of the Month.....

Baton Rouge, LA- A group of fraternity scientists at Louisiana State University announced today that they are one step closer to developing materials capable of rendering three-dimensional objects, including humans, completely invisible.

"This represents a huge advance in our understanding of the physics of light and its interaction with certain artificially engineered metamaterials in a variety of steam filled locations where women are known to congregate," lead researcher Gervin McElroy explained. "In fact, we're planning to run human trials with the technology just as soon as we make Bobby Gable pay for kicking us out of the Greek council."

The research was funded in part by the United States Army and the Upsilon Zeta chapter of Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity.

Monday, March 3, 2014

American Chiropractic Association Implements Durable Do Not Manipulate Documentation.....

Arlington, VA- Members of the American Chiropractic Association (ACA) met today at their Arlington headquarters to discuss a variety of concerns regarding withdrawal of futile chiropractic care, the appropriate use of palliative spinal manipulation, and the incorporation of Durable Do Not Manipulate forms into standard practice.

"These are issues that come up regularly in chiropractic clinics across the country," explained Nebraska chiropractor Frank Grimes, who sits on the ACA Chiropractic Ethics committee. "One of the most important items on the agenda was the use of durable documents that help our patients maintain control over their spinal care even when outside of their regular chiropractor's clinic."

The Chiropractic Orders for Scope of Treatment, or COST, is a durable order that documents and directs a patient's chiropractic treatment preferences when faced with life-limiting or irreversible conditions such as Stage 3 WiFi hypersensitivity, malignant adrenal fatigue, or End Stage Candida Overgrowth Syndrome (ESCOS). First developed by the ACA in 2012, the purpose of a COST is to improve end-of-life care by honoring the wishes and goals of patients. COST forms document goals of care obtained during a discussion between a patient, or their health care representative, and their Primary Chiropractic Provider.

A chiropractor discussing the need for a Chiropractic Orders for Scope of Treatment document with a patient
The COST form includes directions about spine-sustaining measures in addition to advanced chiropractic subluxation support (ACSS), such as use of an Activator, manipulation under anesthesia, low level laser therapy and electro-acupuncture. In the event of an emergency, these forms allow for unfamiliar spinal care experts to understand a patient's wishes quickly and easily. But the COST does not take the place of a properly prepared Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney for Spinal Care.