Saturday, November 29, 2014

Knudsen's Poetry Corner: The Anatomy of Love.....

The following poem was submitted by long time Knudsen's News reader Dr. Mort Fishman

The Anatomy of Love

Patrick Swayze, shown here leaning against a wall wearing high-waisted jeans

Love is like the bifurcation of my trachea
And you are its corina
Sometimes when the voices come I'm scared
But you are my placenta
I would never think of you as a malformation
But a very special variation

You are my palmaris longus of love
The vincula brevis of my profundus of passion
I dream of innervating your brachial plexus with sweet kisses
And being lost in the sulci of your cortex of affection
My ganglion are overwhelmed every time we anastomose
May you never lesion my nerves of longing for you

You stimulate my dermatome
You adduct my magnus
You elevate my scapula,
You pronate my teres
You rotate my cuff
When you softly touch my lingula

Friday, November 28, 2014

Children of Anti-Vaccine Parents More Likely to Refuse Cootie Shot.....

Atlanta, GA-New research out of the CDC in Atlanta has uncovered yet another assault on public health related to the anti-vaccine movement, this time revealing that children of parents opposed to routine childhood immunizations are significantly more likely to refuse the cootie shot.

More assholes like these are refusing cootie shots
"Childhood cooties has been largely kept under control since the discovery of a safe and effective immunization in the early 1950's during recess by a 3rd grade boy in Chicago," CDC cootie researcher Hammond St. Michelle explained. "Unfortunately in the case of anti-vaccine beliefs, it appears that the organic non-GMO apples don't fall far from the tree."

Experts like Dr. St. Michelle are very concerned that as cootie shot acceptance decreases we may begin to see outbreaks similar to those observed with measles and mumps over the past few years. As with most vaccine preventable illnesses, achieving a herd immunity helps limit the spread of a disease and protect more vulnerable populations. "We are also very concerned about the effects of cooties in susceptible adults, which may be considerably worse than in young children. Just look at what's happened to Shia Labeouf."

Why are these children refusing such a safe and effective means of protection? Are they assholes or something? According to the CDC investigation, a variety of reasons are being given on playgrounds all over the country. A common theme is the denial of decades of available evidence that should have put any fears to rest. This denial has likely been learned from the behaviors modeled by parents who oppose other routine immunizations.

Some children refuse to acknowledge the effectiveness of the cootie shot altogether, and give improved cafeteria sanitation the credit. Others don't think that they need the shot because they go to an all-boys or all-girls school, and believe that exposure will be unlikely. Perhaps the most common concerns given involve potential side effects from the cootie shot, like turning into a dork or even a gay wad. One study subject simply responded "Circle, circle, dot, dot. Doctors and scientists lie a lot."

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

New Study Links Threatened Violence to Increased Willingness to Communicate.....

Newark, NJ- New research published this month in the Journal of Legitimate Businessmen confirms the long held belief that threatened physical violence increases the willingness to communicate.

"It's important when performing legal business endeavors to know ways in which one might procure valuable business type information more efficiently," Lou "Roastbeef" Saltaggio, head of a popular Newark men's social club and lead author of the paper, explained. "Like if one of my associates just happened to forget where he had stashed my money. I mean files."

The results of the study have been criticized by experts, however. Jam Calloway, a cognitive behavioral psychologist at the Rutgers University regional campus in Newark, warns not to jump to conclusions based on any one study, particularly one that is contradicted by decades of prior research. "Wait, Roastbeef Saltaggio wrote this? It's a solid study and I have no issue with it or any of the involved parties."


New Evidence Shows Forefathers Feasted on Turducken.....

Boston, MA- As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, and families across America are planning their holiday feasts, they may want to take into account recently unearthed evidence that instead of turkey, our pilgrim forefathers may have actually dined on turducken.

Every child deserves a turkey!
“My discovery is going to change the way that Americans think about Thanksgiving,” Carl’s Meat Warehouse owner, and amateur archaelogist, Carl Langford explained. “And conveniently we have a special on turducken, two for $59.99.”
This new finding, which was announced today during a press conference held at Carl’s Meat Warehouse, has yet to be evaluated by experts in the field. But Langford believes that the evidence speaks for itself. “I don’t need some jerk with a fancy degree to tell me that I have the best deal on turducken in town, and that is something the early settlers would have been proud of.”

Friday, November 21, 2014

More Chiropractors Turning to Subluxation Sniffing Dogs to Aid Diagnosis.....

Former subluxation detection dog Barks McCoy on his first day of work after completing Chiropractic College
Arlington, VA- According to a recent survey published by the American Chiropractic Association, increasing numbers of chiropractors are relying on the services of dogs that have been specially trained to locate abnormalities in the spine.

Prince, a hulking black and tan Doberman Pinscher, is led around a state of the art chiropractic examination room at the underground headquarters of the American Chiropractic Association in Arlington. He saunters past an array of diagnostic tools, handheld spring-loaded treatment devices and a poster of a kitten hanging from a tree branch that reminds these chiropractic researchers to "hang in there." He approaches a group of ten men, only one of which has been legally diagnosed with a subluxation, a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health that is the primary concern of licensed chiropractors.

The proud and noble canine circles the men, occasionally emitting a low pitched growl and stopping to sniff a seemingly random crotch. But Prince's crotch sniffing is anything but random. His nose, and the noses of dogs like him according to ACA researchers and thousands of practicing chiropractors around the country, can detect subluxations with far greater sensitivity than even the most high tech devices. Prince suddenly stops in front of one of the subjects and vocalizes a single but purposeful bark. He's made his choice, the correct one, and is soon rewarded with a small chunk of beef jerky.

"Prince is never wrong," Lead researcher Chiropractor Gerald Gravy explains. "It's uncanny. Even when he picks a subject that wasn't originally found to have a subluxation, we check again and there it is. That tells us he is able to detect them even in their earliest stages."

Once dogs like Prince first demonstrated their ability to detect even the most subtle of subluxations, likely via nanosensing or energy vibrations or some shit, reports came into the ACA of dogs without specialized training having similar success. Although the ACA continues to claim that their certified specially bred and trained dogs represent the pinnacle of subluxation detection, and can be rented from the organization for a few thousand dollars a month, the sheer number of anecdotal success stories pouring in from community chiropractors from Seattle to South Portland, which is in Maine and on the complete other side of the country from Seattle, has forced an official admission that pretty much any dog can successfully sniff out these silent and often symptomless spinal whatchamacallits.

"Frankly none of this should come as much of a surprise," Madington Crump, an Arlington area chiropractor and owner of the popular holistic gluten-free bakery and flower shop Pastries and Peonies, revealed. "Dogs have been used to detect a variety of cancers, predict seizures and even respond to diabetic emergencies. Subluxations are every bit as not made up as those conditions."

What unique aspect of human pathophysiology are these dogs detecting? So far there are only theories. Conventional researchers have dedicated their careers to solving the enigma of canine cancer detection, and have even narrowed the potential source down to a handful of chemical biomarker candidates using advanced spectrometers and chromatographs. But researchers like Chiropractor Gravy are wary of becoming too focused on explanations. "We've got a really good thing going here. Our customers are satisfied. Kids like the dogs. We start offering a Diplomate course in Canine Subluxation Detection in January."

Prince is oblivious to the machinations of the chiropractic community. After nearly a decade of identifying subluxations for the ACA team, he has earned the kind of respect most dogs only dream of. He prances around the facility as if he owns it, which is absurd because at the time of this posting Prince only owns 25% of the company's voting stock shares.

Friday, November 14, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler.....

THE HEALTH PATROL

with Mitch Rangler

Natural Remedies in the 21st Century

Do you wan't to know what's wrong with this country? Well, do you? It's science. I haven't met a scientist yet that knows his rear exit from a hole in the ground. Every time somebody discovers something even remotely true, there is some skeptical scientist in the news talking about how we are all just confused. I may be in my Autumn years, and have a touch of dementia, but I'm not confused!

I'M NOT CONFUSED!

Got a cure for cancer? Spontaneous remission they say. New treatment for multiple sclerosis? Regression to the mean according to fathead egghead ivory tower skeptics. If it were up to them, we'd only rely on science and double blinded placebo controlled research to tell us how to put our pants on. That's awful convenient considering that's how they make their millions. I don't need some guy in a lab coat with a degree from Johns Hopkins to tell me it's pants first, then shoes!

YOU WOULDN'T PUT ON YOUR SHOES BEFORE YOUR PANTS, WOULD YOU?

Skeptics are always talking about logical fallacies and errors in thinking, as if they are the only who know how to use their common sense to figure out what makes this world tick. If they took their eyes off of the chemistry experiment or the microscope for half a minute, they might see that nature is all around us, even in particles too small to see with the naked eye and in the interactions and transformations of atoms and molecules. And nature knows more about our bodies and our health than every textbook and PowerPoint presentation ever written!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND POWERPOINT!

A million years ago everyone had universal healthcare. It was called nature. Today, people argue about access to synthetic chemicals that are abominations concocted by hypernational transglomerations. Humans weren't meant to understand and control nature by twisting it into a ghastly caricature of its true self. But there is a solution!

SOLUTIONS! 

What is Nutritionology? That's a question I get asked from a lot of people I meet on the street or during my weekly water aerobics class at my neighborhood JCC. The answer is simple but it took me decades of intense apprenticeship under some of the finest European minds in Nutritionology. And I want to share my knowledge with you.

I APPRENTICED IN EUROPE!

The funny thing about Nutritionology is that to anyone who didn't train under the guidance of pioneers like Geert Lewinsky or Marvish Sincloid, it looks simple. Sure, it may seem like a fully apprenticed Nutritionologist merely combines random plant and animal parts with an equally random medical condition or symptoms but that is just the first step. The second and most important step is taking the first step on the path to true health!

TRUE HEALTH!

If you have questions about Nutritionology, write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send to Mitch Rangler at @TheHealthPatrol. You can also sign up for his newsletter which he will write and mail out once he has access to the mimeograph in the basement.