Sunday, December 27, 2015

Experts Predict Post-Holiday Lull in War on Christmas.....

Manhasset, New York-With Christmas in the books and New Year's right around the corner, analysts are predicting that the long-running War on Christmas that has raged between those pushing a secular agenda in America, primarily atheists and communists, and upstanding Christian citizens, will soon start showing signs of abating.

General Maynard Tubbs, 17 confirmed kills in the Starbucks Cup offensive of 2015, shown here in a picture above this caption
Over the many years since the fighting began, January has been a time of regrouping and of rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States take advantage of the temporary ceasefire to shop at businesses such as Walmart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong holiday greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs.

"I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Bill O'Reilly explained. "Casualties are already down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, it is only a matter of time before proponents of the legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay dog weddings, and non-missionary position sexual intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation."

General Tom Flynn, leader of the secular military forces is looking forward to a lengthy lull in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for things to start back up around Thanksgiving. I can't say too much right now because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Skink Oil Will Revolutionize Your Health.....

Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol

If I asked you what is the healthiest oil on the market today, you'd probably say something stupid like olive oil or even avocado oil. But that's stupid. The newest, and most healthy oil on the planet today is skink oil. 

That's right, skink oil!

If you were to list all of the characteristics of the healthiest foods, what would make the top ten? High in monounsaturated Omega-3 fatty acid? Check. Low in amalgamated ash? Check. Green? Check. Skink oil has everything!

Skink oil has almost no amalgamated ash!

But before you get offended by the slaughtering of countless millions of skinks to harvest their sweet, precious bodily oils, let me reassure you. Producers of high quality organic skink oil, unlike the corporate labs that synthesize manufactured knockoffs, only use skinks naturally crushed by falling branches or the undigested remnants found in the feces of snakes and birds of prey. Skink oil is nature's gift to humanity!

Once a GPS tracker has been inserted into this Latvian River Skink's brain, it will be released into the wild and only harvested upon its natural death

What are the health benefits of skink oil? A better question would be what isn't a health benefit of skink oil! The answer is nothing. Nothing isn't a skink oil health benefit.

Skink oil has all the health benefits!

Now that you've seen the evidence for the miraculous health benefits that come from consuming and/or bathing daily in all-natural skink oil, I bet you're still wondering if it tastes good. Now I don't usually talk much about my father, on account of all the repressed memories and the decades of cognitive behavioral therapy it took to be able to leave the shed, but one thing he always told me was that if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Seriously, he said that!

He totally said that!

Skink oil is an exception to the wisdom passed down to me by father, who ultimately was murdered by my own hand one stormy night in the west Nebraska foothills. It isn't just the most amazing health supplement available on the internet, it is also delicious. And as if this wasn't enough, skink oil is also good for the planet because skinks are naturally bioreducible. 

Bioreducibility is the first step to bioredundancy!

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss cutting edge research into the amazing health benefits of skink oil and give readers access to my top ten favorite skink oil recipes. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

Monday, December 14, 2015

Elf on the Shelf Only Witness to Horrific Double Homicide.....

Strang, NE- When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time was of the essence. Every minute that passed without finding missing 3-year-old Gert McDonald decreased the likelihood that he would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, as was the search for the kidnapped toddler.
Is Clancy the elf, shown here masturbating silently, just an innocent bystander or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch?
For several days that search came up empty, until investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time. They were shocked to discover that they had missed one very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf. 
"We knew the rules going into the interrogation," Lead investigator Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gert still missing!"

But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. "We tried everything we could think of, even advanced techniques like hot cocoa boarding." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there. Another mysterious aspect to this troubling case.

With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gert and solving his parent's murders. Elves on Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. Billings is counting on this. "If that little spying bastard told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

ACGME Fitbit App Allows Tracking of Residency Work Hours.....

Chicago, Il- The Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education (ACGME), a private, non-profit organization somehow responsible for the establishment and enforcement of accreditation requirements for medical residency and fellowship programs, has announced the development of an iPhone based application for use with the Fitbit activity tracker that will monitor and log work hours, procedures performed, and even Press Ganey patient satisfaction scores.

Generation 7 Robotic Compliance Officer "Rick", shown here managing the enforcement of the 16-hour intern maximum duty hour requirement with a legion of Generation 5 and 6 compliance officers.
"The ACGME takes its role in the development of reasonable policies and guidelines extremely seriously," Generation 7 Autonomous Robotic Compliance Enforcement Officer "Rick" explained. "My primary directive is to reduce resident and fellow fatigue, which plausibly might play a role in hospital medical errors, and to...Phase 2 information requires clearance, please state access code. You have ten seconds to comply."

The application, which will be mandatory for all residents and fellows, will also meter out appropriate punishment on both an individual and program level when infractions occur, which some residents aren't happy about. Mort Fishman MD, a pediatric resident planning to specialize in MOC compliance, is worried that use of the new Fitbit application will violate house staff privacy. "There isn't any evidence that work hour restrictions have improved patient safety and there is certainly no evidence that this new ACGME Fitbit app is...Rick, Rick is that you? But how? I can explain. Rick! No Rick! I can...please I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Rick!!!"

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Experts Predict Global Shortage, the Last Days of Mankind.....

New York- Scientific experts from across the globe met today at the United Nations to reveal the concerning findings of a decade long study looking into the availability in the years to come, and the results are worse than feared.

The weakest among us, shown here enjoying a yearly birth ritual before the days of the global shortage, will be the first to face the acid mines. Many will beg for the sweet release of death and end up condensed into protein gruel for the masters.
"This isn't an outcome likely to happen just in some areas of the world," lead researcher Pat Wattam explained. "We've run every possible scenario, crunched the numbers in every way possible. Pretty soon there just isn't going to be any left, anywhere."

In reaction to the report, many people are beginning to stockpile in preparation for shortages and rationing. Some, like survivalist Jeremy "Mountain Goat" Watkins, predict that this will be the first step on the path to the eventual extinction of our species. "I've seen it before. First it's annoying to not have any. Then the frustration sets in. Then anger. Finally, the realization that there's never going to be any more. That's when the first bombs start to fall. That's where we make our final stand."

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hospital Pacifiers Confiscated in Largest Boston Binkie Bust to Date.....

Boston, MA- Massachusetts General Hospital has announced the discovery of a hidden cache of more than one hundred individually wrapped pacifiers, the largest binkie bust since earning a Baby-Friendly designation in 2011.

A pacifier addicted older infant, like the one shown here sucking on a binkie he found on the ground at the park, has a 60% chance of being a complete asshole, like a total asshole that nobody can stand to be around, not even his mom.
"This haul was part of a six-month sting by hospital lactation authorities," Chief of Lactation Security Wilma Eversnatch explained. "These pacifiers would have resulted in thousands of non-nutritive "sucks" and more nipple confusion than a heteronormative male cis-tween at a Ru Paul concert."

Despite the discovery of the illicit pacifiers, which were recently declared as a Level 11(C) carcinogen in the International Agency for Research on Cancer's Breast is Best Committee's biweekly Liquid Gold newsletter, there is still work to be done. According to Chief Eversnatch, MGH is working on hospital-wide policy changes to advance their Baby-Friendly designation all the way to Formula-Frenemy level. "We must focus our efforts and take advantage of the current momentum to limit the rising tide of formula acceptance in our hospital."

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Ask Dr. Ben! Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Education.....

Ask Dr. Ben!

Are you curious about the world around you? 

Do you marvel at the mysteries of nature? 

Where does the sun go at night? How do magnets work?

Have you been frustrated by liberal academic elites that don't acknowledge your personal beliefs?

Not any more! Not ever again! 

You aren't alone!

Dear Dr. Ben,

I am a Christian Health and the Human Body teacher and my 8th grade students are constantly asking me about their private areas. You know the ones I'm talking about. The P and the V. Now one of the girls is pregnant! How do I answer their questions in a straightforward, honest, and accurate way that's in keeping with the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Help!

Baffled in Baton Rouge

Dear Baffled,

That is a great question and one that is increasingly important as the moral fabric of our once great nation is eroded by false beliefs in evolution, harvesting unborn babies for profit, and gun control. First and foremost, discussions of this nature require compassion and a solid grounding in the teachings of the first biology textbook: the Bible. Well-designed Christian research can supplement what we know from the Bible.

According to researchers from the Illinois branch of the Institute for Abstinence Research (IAR), a nonpartisan organization dedicated to applying sound science to the study of abstinence as a means of preventing unsafe sexual practices, a growing number of sexual education teachers are failing to cover even the basics of appropriate instruction in American schools.

A recent study performed by IAR, which involved a scientifically designed telephone survey of former students of sexual education/health teachers at over 200 Illinois schools, revealed that more than a quartile of instructors did not meet sound scientific standards of sexual education as defined the IAR. And many teachers may have no special training in Biblical sexual education of students.

The researchers warn that teenagers may need help filling in the large gaps in their sexual education, and in "unlearning" any misinformation already picked up in inferior classes. According to the IAR, many of today's students are learning a number of medical myths as proven facts. I recommend the IAR pamphlet as a guide in discussing these myths and providing the information to dispel them.

Here is just a sample of the high quality information included in the pamphlet:

"Myth #1
Condoms prevent STD's.

Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Institute for Abstinence Research have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV, often all at the same time, regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases. That is a 20% chance each and every time you "strap it on, player!" Next time, instead of using a condom, try reading a book or volunteering at a retirement home!

Myth #2
Condoms prevent pregnancy.

Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the IAR have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded. They are also prone to liberalism and homosexuality. Instead of homosexuality, try "no mo sexuality" until you're good and married.

Myth #3
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.

This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger God and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.

Myth #4
It's okay to have sex once you are married.

While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the IAR, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord."

I hope that this helps. Good luck out there!

Your friend,
Dr. Ben

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Proctor & Gamble Announces Swiffer Home Detox Kit.....

Cincinnati, OH- Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the addition of an easy to use home body cleansing kit to the line of cleaning products.
Customer Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment.
"We've spent the past one hundred and seventy seven years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble Chairman, President, and CEO Alan George Lafley explained. "And with our new Bissel Steamboost enema attachment and full body detox pads, Swiffer will truly give cleaning a whole new meaning!"

Just like your kitchen floor can become caked with grime and mud, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste according to the expert that returned my calls, like Doctor of Household Naturopathy Mort Fishman. "We live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier foods, like genetically modified electromagnetic gluten. Now my patients don't need to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats."

Saturday, September 26, 2015

More Parents Turning to Alternative Potty Training Methods.....

Jacksonville, FL-Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, and in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use the toilet, a growing number of parents are turning to more natural alternative methods of potty training.
A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training method, shown here developing learned helplessness and probably PTSD
"It's easy to assume that a child requires a restrictive and regimented training method because they are small and uncoordinated, or that they have a limited capability to communicate," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at Jacksonville's Freecheeks Potty Training Center, explained. "And that's exactly what those ivory tower eggheads from Big Potty want you to believe. But today's savvy parent is wisely considering his or her options before simply going along with a conventional method that may not approach the process holistically."

Pennock admits that the Freecheeks method, with its focus on the root cause of persistent infantile incontinence rather than simply the end result, isn't for every family. But she believes that it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their young children have to say about their own personal elimination functions. And according to her, the process couldn't be simpler as long as you do it exactly as recommended without exception. "You'll need a garden hose and enough newspaper to cover the floors of your house. But what you won't need is any more diapers!"

Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterology expert and parent of five human children, isn't sold on what he considers unproven toilet training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not."

Friday, September 11, 2015

Leading Naturopathic University First to Offer Degree in Integrative Anatomy.....

Kenmore, WA- Adding to their already considerable educational offerings, such as acupuncture and psychic optometry, this Fall Bastyr University will be the first to offer a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy.

Bastyr Integrative Anatomy students won't be limited by Western scientific dogma
"We saw a long overdue opportunity to advance our understanding of human anatomy," recently appointed president Dr. Charles "Mac" Powell explained. "It just makes sense to update this stagnant area of study with the principles and practices of naturopathy. Who's to say that there are just two kidneys, or only one spleen? Has anyone looked for other organs?"

Obtaining a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy will require successful payment for a comprehensive, four-year program that combines the most rigorous aspects of intuitive awareness with a pile of old x-rays somebody found in the basement over the Summer. The first two years will cover basic anatomy from the perspective of various homunculi used by 16th century alchemists. At the end of the first two years, each student will perform an interpretive dance that takes faculty members on a journey of discovery to find their spirit organ.

With an intimate awareness of the human body gained, the remaining two years will be spent in Bastyr's cutting edge research facility. Their anatomical investigation will incorporate the senses of vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. A possible sixth sense, to be determined by course elder Mort Fishman based upon the results of a quantum vibrational analysis and saliva hormone levels, may be added in the future. Fishman will serve as a guide for the duration of each student's educational narrative. "There is nothing more rewarding than seeing that look of recognition and understanding on a student's face when they locate their first meridian."

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Florida Legislature Passes Updated Guidelines on Community Acquired Pneumonia.....

Tallahassee, FL- After several weeks of intense debate among the 160 Florida state legislators during an emergency late Summer session at the capital, both the Senate and House of Representatives have agreed on recommendations for the diagnosis and management of community-acquired pneumonia in children. The "Lower Respiratory Infection/MANPADS Act" is expected to be signed by Governor Rick Scott later this week.

Governor Scott, shown here trying to break his favorite Husky bill signing pencil during a tantrum. Experts believe that the pencil is made from Kenyan red cedar with a manticore tail core.
"This is something that Florida pediatricians have been waiting for," Tallahassee physician Mort Fishman explained. "Sure, the Infectious Disease Society of America and American Academy of Pediatrics have given us some guidance in the past, but since our state government officially took over direct patient care directives earlier this year we've been stumbling around in the dark. It isn't perfect, but this is Florida."

The law, which specifies when radiographic imaging is appropriate and lists first and second line antibiotics for use when a bacterial cause is suspected, also requires that pediatricians refrain from asking parents about the presence of man-portable air defense systems (MANPADS) in the home. Representative Larry Ahern, co-sponsor of the bill, had expressed concern regarding potential invasion of parental privacy that plays no role in the health of the child in the past. "Shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles are frankly of no concern to a healthcare provider and any physician accused of violating this law will be brought before the Florida Board of Medicine for disciplinary action."

Friday, August 21, 2015

Leaked Dolly Madison Data Shocks Health and Fitness Community.....

Columbus, OH- Having infiltrated the computer files of Dolly Madison, a U.S. bakery famous for its Zingers brand snack cakes that closed in 2012, hackers have released identifying personal information belonging to millions of former customers. A group or individual known as Gluten Anonymous has claimed responsibility for the leak.

Former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown, shown here suffering the first of several diabetes related heart attacks
While a leak of information revealing the buying habits of bakery customers seems fairly benign at first glance, there is a dark side to this story. Numerous health and fitness gurus, like the Food Baby Frank Hunt and fully apprenticed Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been implicated. Even Hollywood celebrities known for speaking out against processed sugars and gluten, like former actress turned health activist Gwyneth Paltrow and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, have placed large orders for snack cakes and fruit pies.

"Cheating is like the secret glue that keeps millions of consumers attached to their diets," culinary psychologist Dr. Mort Fishman CPsyD explained. "I would cheat before I would quit my diet altogether. But these are high profile customers with a public image based on a certain lifestyle not in keeping with having a crate of Donut Gems delivered to their mansion."

Probably the most shocking finding has been former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown's continued purchasing of the bakery's products as late as 2011. Brown, an outspoken critic of processed foods and added sugar since developing adult-onset juvenile diabetes at the age of 33, parted ways with the company in the early 1980's. The broken contract led to a lengthy court battle, which served as the inspiration for the 1992 movie classic A Few Good Men. Despite this, he went on to purchase thousand of boxes of Cherry Pies and Danish Rollers after the split.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Chiropractic Particle Physicists Uncover Subatomic Building Block of the Subluxation.....

Geneva, Switzerland- One of the great mysteries of chiropractic science, the true underlying nature of the spinal subluxation, may have finally been solved by a team of top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva. Details of the discovery of the subatomic building block of the subluxation, which is being referred to as a subluxon, were published this week in Online Publishing Module #17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes.

Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here in a teal colored hard hat with arms folded and a serious look on his face.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't feel it with my own two hands during the applied kinesiology experiments at CERN," Chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "When we were finally able to book time with the Large Hadron Collider, I knew something big was about to happen."

According to Grimes, chiropractors have known for more than a century that the subluxation existed but have been forced to use cumbersome placeholders when reporting the findings of their examinations to patients. Lacking an understanding of it's true nature, they did the best they could. "We knew that spinal nerves weren't actually being pinched and that the subluxation wasn't really a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes, but we still needed patients to understand how serious the situation was."

Chiropractors can now add an accurate understanding of what a subluxation is to the profession's established mastery of the numerous potential negative health effects caused by them. And, as Grimes explains in an ad for his Belvidere, Nebraska clinic, a focus on prevention by detecting subluxons before they cause a symptomatic subluxation is the next step. "Come on down for our back to school event! I'll check the whole family's subluxon levels for just $59 and knock 10% off our Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!" 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Area Couple Frustrated by Infant's Lack of Internet Connectivity.....

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for any imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like most parents they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they were unable to locate their newborn son's USB port.

Increasing numbers of perfectly acceptable but non-internet compatible newborns are being put up for adoption by late generation millennials 
"I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful," Mr. Rose explained while filming a video selfie and then posting it to Vine. "I just don't know how I'm even going to interact with him. There's no Bluetooth, no FaceTime, no Twitter handle. There's no access at all, just regular holes and some kind of intermittent high pitched emission from what I think is its heat sink."

The Roses aren't the only late generation millennials struggling to communicate as they begin to have children. Having grown up with total immersion in post-internet life, many are having difficulty grasping that their newborn is another human being rather than a new peripheral for their smart phone. Many physicians, like pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, are being forced to adapt to parenting concerns that would have been unheard of just a few years ago. "They keep asking me what the WiFi password is and how to set up a WPAN."

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Portland Compounding Pharmacy Releases Line of Artisanal Parenteral Nutrition.....

Portland, OR- Peach & Barrow, a Portland based compounding pharmacy that opened in 2015, has recently begun marketing a line of small-batch artisanal intravenous nutrition products for use by high-end hospitals and home health companies catering to clients looking for a more traditional experience.

Jasper Online Name Generator Wilson, owner of Peach & Barrow pharmacy, shown here delivering a batch of IV total parenteral nutrition to a local nursing home
"For years, the healthcare consumer has been forced to rely on parenteral nutrition made in an assembly line fashion without any respect for the process," Peach & Barrow owner Jasper Online Name Generator Wilson explained. "We locally source all of the constituents of our hand crafted products, from the trace elements to the lipids and amino acids. And all contain honey-based dextrose obtained from bees that worked with us voluntarily."

At Peach & Barrow, no two parenteral nutrition solutions are the same. The recipe, derived more through intuition than the use of any pharmacy textbook, depends on the season and what is currently popular. According to Wilson, each morning pharmacy employees scout out the local farmers' markets and scour social media sites like Twitter, Instagram, and some site called BabyTatz, where people tattoo their babies with pictures of what they just ate or inspirational David "Avocado" Wolfe quotes. "And each of our IV nutrition blends comes in a mason jar that was hand blown from rare sea glass."

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Newly Licensed Chiropractic Surgeons Turning to Cervical Spinal Fusion to Treat Text Neck.....

Chiropractic surgeons performing preventative cervical spinal fusion on a 15-year-old recurrent iPhone user
When the California state legislature approved licensure of the first ever certified chiropractic surgeons in May, skeptics were quick to question their competency. They also whined about the supposed lack of any need for their services to pretty much anybody who would listen. As usual, the men and women, mostly men, that run the government know what is best for the general public.

These pioneers in the field of chiropractic surgery, each of which completed a four-year chiropractic education while also watching all eleven seasons of Grey's Anatomy, are already making an impact. Their first order of business has been to focus on developing a cure for a nearly ubiquitous and potentially deadly condition: text neck. 

Although the exact weight of the human head is unclear, physicists from Europe believe it to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 pounds. As the neck flexes, the weight pulling down on the cervical spine increases exponentially, reaching upwards of 200 pounds at a 30 degree angle and nearly 3 tons at 60 degrees. Anyone daring to flex their neck greater than 60 degrees risks instant death as their head separates from the spinal column, rolling down a steep hill as they comically chase after it.
That's the price we pay for having 24-7 access to the internet and the ability to interact socially with our friends and family while following Justin Bieber inspired parody/porn accounts like @JustInBeaver. According to research published in Online Publishing Module #14, 517 - Implications of Smartphone technology on Spinal Health - Human, Chimpanzee, and Bonobo, long term stress on the cervical spine can result in a variety of health problems. In fact, many people who regularly use smartphone devices suffer neck and back pain, respiratory conditions, gastrointestinal problems, and heart disease. Some even die.

“It's either the worst epidemic that mankind has ever faced or it’s at least pretty common,” Mort Fishman MD, chief of spine health at The Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine Paradise Wellness Prevention Institute, explained. “All day long I notice people looking at their devices. I notice them!”
A young woman, shown here mere moments before experiencing Cephalospinal Separation Syndrome (CSS), is ordering toilet paper on Amazon Prime
Having trouble wrapping your head around just how heavy 60 pounds is? Try this thought experiment. First imagine a one pound bar of dark chocolate. Now imagine that you have 60 of them hanging from your neck for hours each day. Now imagine that they're actually made with white chocolate. Bet you didn't see that coming you racist son of a bitch.

Dr. Fishman, who is a board tolerated medical doctor with interest in both stuff and things related to the spine, believes that children are the future of text neck casualties. "Youth today are growing up with smartphones, and they're experiencing this problem from an early age. I'm concerned that unless we evolve eyes on stalks, we may soon see the first generation of children to have a shorter life span than their parents. Parent's need to focus more intently on the daily activities of their children. They need to more involved."
Frank Grimes CCS, chiropractic surgeon and president of the American Hyperbole Society's Things Outside Our Area of Expertise Section, revealed that the effect of text neck is similar to taking your eyelid and stretching it up and over your head and holding it there for sixty minutes to one hour.
A woman suffering from text neck, shown here using an external cervical fixation device
Grimes, who specializes in treating text neck, first began seeing patients with symptoms about six or seven years ago. "Prior to then it was rare to see people looking down for more than a few seconds. Like when they thought they saw a penny on the ground or were about to fall through an open manhole."

While experts like Grimes understand that it is nearly impossible to completely remove these technologies from our day to day lives, they stress that there are now surgical interventions that can prevent injury to the neck, brain, lungs, and heart. The procedure that they've brought to the table is surgical fusion of the cervical spine, which involves using metal or wooden screws to brace the vertebral column internally, holding it in the ideal position without the need for unsightly external fixation devices. "It's horrifically painful, mostly because legislation to license chiropractic anesthesiologists is still stuck in committee, but it is a permanent solution to the problem."

Friday, June 12, 2015

Chiropractic Scientists Concerned Over Spread of Adjustment Resistant Subluxations.....

Little Rock, AR-For over a century, Chiropractic physicians have been diagnosing and treating a deadly and mysterious condition. In fact, you might not even know you have it. This entity, the chiropractic subluxation, has been linked to virtually every disease process known to medical science yet it often is asymptomatic and undetectable using even modern scientific imaging techniques.

A seemingly healthy woman, shown here moments before suffering total collapse of the spine or Accordion syndrome, because of hidden chiropractic subluxations
Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explains, 
"That is what makes the subluxation such a threat to public health. Medical doctors call high blood pressure the silent killer but at least that condition, whatever it is, is rare. Studies have shown that every single person that visits a chiropractor is found to have a subluxation. That's pretty scary because a lot of people don't even see a chiropractor regularly. They see a dentist twice a year but ignore the recommendations of the World Chiropractic Alliance, International Chiropractors Association, and American Chiropractic Association on regular spine exams."
The exact definition of the spinal subluxation has changed somewhat over the years as chiropractic science has advanced. Vague notions of a spinal segment having to be demonstrably out of alignment and pinching a spinal nerve were discarded for the more specific Vertebral Subluxation Complex in order to aid researchers in their efforts to prove the effectiveness of chiropractic. This is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health. Dr. Grimes points out that "The process of coming up with a unified definition of the subluxation was very scientific, involving a show of hands and I believe someone had a calculator."
A replica of the calculator used in the determination of a standardized definition of the chiropractic subluxation
The difficulty in locating these spinal subluxations even with advanced medical imaging such at CT scans and MRI has, in large part thanks to chiropractic researchers over the years, been overcome by the development of a number of high-tech diagnostic modalities such as low-resolution electronic chiropractic thermography and supine leg length differential estimation. Some chiropractors with advanced training are even able to locate subluxations on x-rays of the spine that regular medical radiologists would miss.

But the most vital aspect of any chiropractic evaluation remains the hands on palpation required to diagnose more subtle subluxations. Grimes reveals, "This is where the art of chiropractic, as opposed to the science, comes into play. Sorting out those hard to find subluxations can be difficult but eventually you'll find one in pretty much everybody. It's a nice feeling to catch one early before any catastrophic nervous system damage or immune dysfunction has taken place."

Typically, subluxations can be easily treated with chiropractic adjustments, which consist of a series of highly skilled manipulations of your spine with varying degrees of force, or with certain instruments, and in a variety of locations depending on where the subluxation is found along the spine and what particular technique your chiropractor prefers. There are hundreds of different adjustment techniques, all of equivalent efficacy at treating subluxations and improving health. Patients tend to respond better to more frequent visits, some even requiring daily and weekly adjustments. Grimes adds, "Once the patient is out of danger, visits to maintain alignment and prevent subluxations are a must. You don't stop brushing your teeth once a cavity is filled!"

A young child, diagnosed with adjustment resistant subluxations by his chiropractor, shown here after being placed on the list for vertebral column transplant
Of growing concern to the chiropractic community is the increasing incidence of adjustment resistant subluxations, and the recent discovery of subluxations resistant even to advanced chiropractic treatments such as non-surgical spinal decompression systems and manipulation under anesthesia. Grimes explains, "If this trend continues, we may soon see a day where chiropractors are considered ineffective at . It's a good thing I also know how to do acupuncture."

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Lazy Ribosome Syndrome.....

What is lazy ribosome syndrome?
Lazy ribosome syndrome, also known as LRS, is a collection of various signs and symptoms that results when ribosome function falls below what is necessary for the signs and symptoms not to occur. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged protein synthesis, it can also arise before, during, or after acute or chronic illness. 

Do you suffer from signs and/or symptoms?

As the name suggests, LRS occurs when ribosomes are unwilling to work as designed by our Lord and Savior. LRS then presents as signs or symptoms that are not relieved by conventional medicine and are not caused by a clearly identifiable ailment such as scrofula or plectal derangement. You may look and act relatively normal despite having lazy ribosomes, and you may not have any obvious signs of physical illness like runny nose or a prehensile tail, yet you stumble through life with a general sense of ennui. LRS sufferers often have to use coffee and other stimulants just to get through their dull and seemingly pointless lives.

LRS is not scrofula!

Lazy ribosome syndrome has been known by many other names throughout the past century, such as Pappy's lament, The Downtown Shakedown, Cribbage Brain, and Reverse AIDS. And although it affects billions of people in the U.S., Puerto Roco, and America 2, which was formally known as Europe, conventional medical doctors will laugh and spit in your face and then send you home to die every time.

Tired of doctors spitting in your face?

LRS can ruin your life. In the more serious cases, the ribosomes are so lazy that you may have difficulty getting out of bed or masturbating more than three times each day. With each quartile of reduction in ribosome activity, your friends and family will come to despise you more and more. Changes occur in your body's ability to maintain homeostasis, equilibrium, and synergy of backwards overflow. Many other alterations take place at the chemical, cellular, and bioquantum levels in an attempt to compensate for the decrease in ribosomal function. Your body will eventually dry out, becoming a fragile husk that will ultimately crumble into a fine powder and blow away in a gust of wind.
What causes lazy ribosome syndrome?
Lazy ribosome sydrome occurs when your ribosomes are unable to meet the protein synthesis demands of your active and rewarding lifestyle. Ribosomes produce new proteins by combining amino acids, but don't be scared by the name. They aren't actually made of acid and can't disfigure your face or melt down the dismembered body of your neighbor's dog. We need need new proteins whenever our bodies are exposed to oxygen, take in nutrition, or sleep. If protein synthesis is inadequate, it's only a matter of time before signs and symptoms set in.

That dog was asking for it!
During an LRS crisis your ribosomes still function, but are too lazy to maintain optimal protein synthesis because they have had it up to here with your exposure to any number of toxins, glutens, and ribosome disruptors produced in the bowels of Monsanto's secret laboratory on Skull island. It might occur with just one really horrible exposure, such as eating a genetically modified sandwich or standing next to Paul Offit on a subway. Or it can be caused by chronic or repeated insults to your muladhara chakra that have a cumulative effect.
Who gets lazy ribosome syndrome?
Anyone can experience lazy ribosome syndrome at some time in their life. An illness, being alone in your house and hearing a loud noise in the other room and thinking for even just a moment that someone has broken in, or an ongoing exposure to people who let their kids run around the restarant unsupervised. These difficult situations can make the ribosomes of even the most important celebrity as lazy as a non-celebrity. There are factors that can increase your risk, however. These include certain lifestyles (unnatural diet, drug (illicit or prescribed) use, poor sleep, shopping at Target, chronic illness or repeated infections such as scrofula, feeling trapped or helpless such as when in a toxic relationship, stressful job, jail, or that place where poor people get their coffee...Starbucks!

How common is lazy ribosome syndrome?
Although statistics have been supressed by the Medical-Industrial Complex, Dr. Bohannes Jonnanon, an expert who specializes in LRS, said in 1969 on the street outside a taping of the Dick Cavett show that he estimated that approximately 99.6% of the public could be classified as having the condition. And this was three decades before 9/11. 
How do I know if I have lazy ribosomes?
You may be experiencing LRS if you regularly notice one or more of the following:
  1. You feel tired for no reason that you can think of or accept
  2. You have trouble getting up in the morning, even when the Reverend has forgotten to tighten your leg shackles 
  3. You are feeling rundown or overwhelmed by the most recent episode of Game of Thrones
  4. You have difficulty bouncing back from stress or illness.
  5. You crave salty or sweet snacks.
  6. You feel more awake, alert and energetic after 6PM than you do all day at the job you hate
God damn Walder Frey!!!
What else should I be afraid of?

The processes that take place in life, from birth to the sweet release of death, place demands on your ribosomes. Therefore, it is likely that if you are also suffering from another life-related condition such as sensitivity to wind or storchus. Also, any time a medical treatment includes the use of unnatural synthetic compounds, ribosomes can become lazy because they are like, "What am I, chopped liver?" 

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss treatments of LRS and cutting edge research into the condition that is giving hope to billions of sufferers. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Scientists are Speaking Out About Genetically Modified Organisms.....

Bucksnort, TN-An emergency meeting of some of the top scientific minds in the world is being held today in Bucksnort to discuss legitimate concerns regarding the safety and ethics of introducing genetically modified crops into the human food supply.

A dramatization to illustrate health concerns over genetically modified crops. This really isn't Death, it is a man in a Death suit. But Death could really be there, or anywhere, because he is invisible
"Genetical modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and the Bible."

Meeting coordinator Tim-Bob Alvarez, a Doctor of Tobaccology, further revealed additional insight into the concerns of anti-GMO scientists: 

"Genetically modified crops are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists who aren't in the pocket of the GM crop industry are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes."
Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than natural varieties according to some of the attending experts. Dane Cook, an inexplicably popular comedian and environmental activist serving as the keynote speaker, stated that "This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option of choosing between natural and GM crops."

Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistant to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. Alvarez, always the skeptic, pointed out that "This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects?"

Not surprisingly, today's meeting of the minds actually raised more questions than it answered. But those taking part have sworn to continue their tireless efforts to root out the hidden dangers of genetically modified crops, even in the face of contrary evidence. "Ignoring data that fails to support one's conclusion isn't easy," Dr. Grimes explained. "But it is the mark of a true hero to stand up for one's beliefs no matter how wrong they might be."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers.....

MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers
The Only Microbiome Support Supplement Formulated Just For Toddlers!

Two toddlers with balanced microbiomes and one complete asshole.
Did you know that over 70% of toddlers have an unbalanced microbiome? Or that an unbalanced microbiome can affect how well a child's brain and immune system is functioning? Scientific studies performed near Europe have shown that replenishing the body with friendly bacteria in the right ratio can improve intestinal health, restore mental function, and accelerate development by over a quartile. Until now parents have had to rely on products that weren't designed for young children.

Early childhood is a unique period of transition from infancy into school age. Their bodies are going through a lot of changes. It's like a cosmic joke at your expense! You wouldn't let a 2-year-old vote or join the Merchant Marine, right? So why would you attempt to reconstitute their microbiome with adult yogurts or vaginal swabs?

MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers
Put Down That Vaginal Swab!

Young humanoid cultivars, shown here just prior to being harvested for their highly plastic nervous tissue, running through a field of grass on a sunny day.
MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers is the first and only microbiome support supplement designed specifically with the toddler's unique intestinal environment and integumentary system in mind. It works with your child's body, not against it. And it has never been conclusively proven to cause life-threatening respiratory infections, so they can continue to breath room air without feeling like their trachea is coated in a mixture of hot candle wax and broken glass, for reals! But what is the microbiome, I ask in an attempt smoothly segue into the next paragraph?

The microbiome isn't a really small desert or other ecosystem defined by its climate, geology, and inhabiting species. I'm just using language with humorous intention so that you feel comfortable around me and trust what I have to say. At least one expert somewhere will probably tell you that the microbiome is as unique as your fingerprint. It IS you! Unfortunately, because of environmental assaults on our bodies by antibiotics and other chemicals, many young children have unbalanced and unhealthy microbiomes and will eventually die.

So what can you expect after your child starts taking MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers?

1. Voluntary control over the evacuation of stool and urine from the body
2. Increased energy or more periods of quiet and calm if that's what you'd prefer
3. Improved language acquisition and increasing vocabulary
4. Fewer diaper rashes and lower risk of future obesity
5. Increased popularity at the playground and/or cooperative daycare center
6. Greater autonomy, less self-doubt, and decreased chance of developing an allergic or autoimmune disorder
7. Fewer colds and other viral infections, particularly in the Summer
8. Better balance and motor skills
9. More interest in interactive play with other children
10. Flight, super strength, or the ability to pass through solid objects

So what are you waiting for? Don't you want your child to have a chance at a successful future? Parents who love their children want what's best for them! 

Popular children's entertainer DJ Yip Yap, shown here mere moments before losing both his thumbs to an adult female howler monkey.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Astrology Researchers Discover Epigenetic Influences of Your Birth Sign.....

Laguna Beach, CA- A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. Researchers at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach have released the findings of an exhaustive year-long survey which proves beyond reasonable doubt that the influence of the positions of the stars on future health is epigenetic in nature. The study authors were so confident in the robustness of their findings that they chose to bring them straight to the public in order to avoid a lengthy peer review process that would delay widespread societal benefit.

An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of Rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time
"Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that build our bodies," Astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at ARI Tobias Tarkington explained. "Subtle energies determined by celestial alignments have long been known to influence the human body and now we know exactly how they do it."

The study, which was sent out to all United States citizens, including Washington D.C. and Porto Rico, involved a series of questions which used a comfort scale developed specifically for this research. Respondents were asked to rate their comfort with accepting that either epigenetics or astrology played a key role in determining their future, but not both according to Tarkington. "The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper."

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

New Study Challenges Scientific Consensus on Monkey-Penguin Relations.....

Lexington, KY-A study, published today in Online Publishing Module #1,014 - Applied Applications, appears to reverse a century of scientific consensus on the interactions between monkeys and penguins. 

A monkey-penguin hybrid, recently discovered just hanging around the San Diego zoo, was specifically predicted by Charles Darwin's less popular twin brother Larry
"If you had spoken to a primatologist or ornithologist prior to this publication, they would have told you of the intense hatred between the two species with certainty," Zoologist Adam Sasaki explained. "It's difficult to accept the new findings because the evidence up till now has pointed in a very different direction. But their study design is flawless. It looks like monkeys and penguins actually get along pretty well."

But at least one scientist, cryptozoologist Lars Pinkerton, is recommending caution in interpreting the findings in the paper. "One study isn't enough to warrant the 180 degree change in opinion that appears to be going on in scientific circles. You have to look at the entirety of the literature on the subject. Also I've never even seen a monkey and a penguin together in the same room."

Friday, May 22, 2015

Groundbreaking Functional MRI Study Reveals Secrets of Functional MRI Research.....

Functional magnetic resonance immaging (fMRI) researchers are now one step closer to understanding the mysterious inner workings of functional magnetic resonance imaging researchers.

An fMRI image, taken at the exact instant an fMRI researcher thought about fMRI research on fMRI researchers, has pretty colors.
The excessive desire to perform research using fMRI has been a condition that has left many experts scratching their heads for years, largely because fMRI-based claims of causality are considered questionable by many neuroscience researchers. Now, researchers from Sweden have found that inappropriate reliance on fMRI findings is linked to abnormal activity in parts of the brain that process and enjoy bright blobs of light and multiple comparisons.

Dr. Morto Salmone, the Editor-in-Chief of Online Publishing Module #437- Brain Connections and Such, is particularly excited about the new study:

"Functional MRI obsession is an understudied condition with an unknown cause that can only be diagnosed by its symptoms. This study is an important first step in understanding how the brain is involved in the widespread employment of reverse inferences that is so characteristic of the disorder."
For the study, 15 researchers with classic symptoms of fMRI obsession, and 20 healthy volunteers that were hanging out at an area Dave & Busters with nothing better to do, underwent fMRI scanning while exposed to images culled from a variety of previous fMRI studies. Prior to this test, the machines had been calibrated to account for each participant's level of pattern recognition. Studies performed in the past have demonstrated that pattern recognition may be dependent on genetic expression and is unique to an individual. As expected by the researchers, subjects suffering from fMRI obsession found more patterns in randomly generated images.
Interestingly, analysis of the resulting scans showed significant differences in brain patterns between the healthy participants and those with fMRI obsession. The fMRI obsessed researchers showed "functional decoupling," a decreased connectivity between regions devoted to pattern recognition and brain areas involved with executive function. It's all very interesting, and only a stupid person would be confused by this.
The authors suggest this reduction in brain connectivity could impair pattern perception, potentially increasing sensitivity to random noise and pretty, pretty colors. They are calling for additional research into the phenomenon, and for lawmakers to consider stiff prison sentences for researchers demonstrating symptoms. "It's better to be safe and lock these people up."

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Knudsen's Creative Corner: My Frontal Lobe.....

The following was submitted by long time Knudsen's News reader Dr. Mort Fishman

Actor Jon Hamm, shown here stepping up onto a curb
My Frontal Lobe

My frontal lobe is my best friend. Every morning I wake up and remember how lucky I am to have one. It helps me to get out of bed in the morning and to fix myself a nutritious breakfast. It helps me to brush my teeth and fix my hair. It helps me to pick out what outfit to wear. I love my frontal lobe. Without my frontal lobe, I could never do all of the wonderful things that I do every day. 

I never take my frontal lobe for granted. I take it with me everywhere I go. One time I took my frontal lobe to the zoo and it threw rocks at the monkeys. My frontal lobe helps me read books and articles so that I can be a good doctor. After we study, my frontal lobe and I love to watch Dawson's Creek reruns and eat Totino's microwave pizza. My favorite color is blue but my frontal lobe's favorite color is green. I would hold my frontal lobe's hand but my parietal lobe won't let me. It is jealous. My frontal lobe has the most beautiful deep bass voice and loves Sam Smith as both a singer and a human being.

Sometimes my frontal lobe gets mad at me. It has a bad temper. Usually it's my fault though because I don't do what it tells me to do. Sometimes I drink too much and it gives me hepatic failure. My frontal lobe is the most powerful frontal lobe in the whole world. One time my occipital lobe was being mean so my frontal lobe made an example of it in front of my entire brain and I was blind for three months.

One time I made my frontal lobe mad because I worked out too hard when it was tired and had a headache. I said I was sorry but it was so upset that it gave me left-sided neglect and I had half a beard from 1978 through 1981. My frontal lobe gives me a gold star for every time I make it all night without going potty. My frontal lobe can beat up your frontal lobe. My frontal lobe thinks my limbic system is an emotional mess and is planning to have it infarcted.

I like to write poetry about my frontal lobe as well, but it is shy and only allows me to write in the form of a haiku. My frontal lobe lets me breathe when I behave. I am scared of my frontal lobe. Help me. My frontal lobe is evil and it can hear my thoughts. My frontal lobe has plans for all of you.