|Grover Elkins, shown here in a pre-decomposed state, adding nothing to society|
After being dragged from a backyard sandbox by a coyote, the 9-month-old Elkins sustained countless puncture wounds and lacerations during the vicious mauling. Left for dead by the rabid canine, he was then dragged into the family chicken coop by a neighbor's dog. General practitioner Mort Fishman, who was called to the scene several hours later when the body was discovered, attempted CPR but failed to restore spontaneous breathing and circulation of blood. He was declared dead at the scene.
As Dr. Fishman was preparing Elkins' body for transport to the town corpsery, where it would be processed for the Ritual of Ascendance per town bylaws, the family physician heard a faint moan coming from inside the state issued body bag. "I quickly opened the bag and confirmed a weak and thready pulse. The bastard was alive! At the time, I assumed that he was the vessel for Tealeoni, our Benevolent Lord and Protector, or that he would at least go on to cure cancer or something."
Elkins' funeral was attended by his mother, although she stood far enough back so that people passing by wouldn't make the connection. His position at Dairy Queen was filled within hours of his passing. A letter he had written, meant to be published in Belvidere's local newspaper Ye Olde Nebraskian upon his death, was lost and replaced by an ad for town chiropractor Frank Grimes' Spring into Summer Subluxation Free event.
|Chiropractor Frank Grimes is offering a full set of spinal xrays, leg length analysis and 5 minutes in the Cash Grab-O-Tron for only $59! Spring into Summer Subluxation Free!!!|