Friday, August 21, 2015

Leaked Dolly Madison Data Shocks Health and Fitness Community.....

Columbus, OH- Having infiltrated the computer files of Dolly Madison, a U.S. bakery famous for its Zingers brand snack cakes that closed in 2012, hackers have released identifying personal information belonging to millions of former customers. A group or individual known as Gluten Anonymous has claimed responsibility for the leak.

Former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown, shown here suffering the first of several diabetes related heart attacks
While a leak of information revealing the buying habits of bakery customers seems fairly benign at first glance, there is a dark side to this story. Numerous health and fitness gurus, like the Food Baby Frank Hunt and fully apprenticed Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been implicated. Even Hollywood celebrities known for speaking out against processed sugars and gluten, like former actress turned health activist Gwyneth Paltrow and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, have placed large orders for snack cakes and fruit pies.

"Cheating is like the secret glue that keeps millions of consumers attached to their diets," culinary psychologist Dr. Mort Fishman CPsyD explained. "I would cheat before I would quit my diet altogether. But these are high profile customers with a public image based on a certain lifestyle not in keeping with having a crate of Donut Gems delivered to their mansion."

Probably the most shocking finding has been former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown's continued purchasing of the bakery's products as late as 2011. Brown, an outspoken critic of processed foods and added sugar since developing adult-onset juvenile diabetes at the age of 33, parted ways with the company in the early 1980's. The broken contract led to a lengthy court battle, which served as the inspiration for the 1992 movie classic A Few Good Men. Despite this, he went on to purchase thousand of boxes of Cherry Pies and Danish Rollers after the split.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Chiropractic Particle Physicists Uncover Subatomic Building Block of the Subluxation.....

Geneva, Switzerland- One of the great mysteries of chiropractic science, the true underlying nature of the spinal subluxation, may have finally been solved by a team of top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva. Details of the discovery of the subatomic building block of the subluxation, which is being referred to as a subluxon, were published this week in Online Publishing Module #17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes.

Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here in a teal colored hard hat with arms folded and a serious look on his face.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't feel it with my own two hands during the applied kinesiology experiments at CERN," Chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "When we were finally able to book time with the Large Hadron Collider, I knew something big was about to happen."

According to Grimes, chiropractors have known for more than a century that the subluxation existed but have been forced to use cumbersome placeholders when reporting the findings of their examinations to patients. Lacking an understanding of it's true nature, they did the best they could. "We knew that spinal nerves weren't actually being pinched and that the subluxation wasn't really a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes, but we still needed patients to understand how serious the situation was."

Chiropractors can now add an accurate understanding of what a subluxation is to the profession's established mastery of the numerous potential negative health effects caused by them. And, as Grimes explains in an ad for his Belvidere, Nebraska clinic, a focus on prevention by detecting subluxons before they cause a symptomatic subluxation is the next step. "Come on down for our back to school event! I'll check the whole family's subluxon levels for just $59 and knock 10% off our Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!" 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Area Couple Frustrated by Infant's Lack of Internet Connectivity.....

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for any imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like most parents they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they were unable to locate their newborn son's USB port.

Increasing numbers of perfectly acceptable but non-internet compatible newborns are being put up for adoption by late generation millennials 
"I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful," Mr. Rose explained while filming a video selfie and then posting it to Vine. "I just don't know how I'm even going to interact with him. There's no Bluetooth, no FaceTime, no Twitter handle. There's no access at all, just regular holes and some kind of intermittent high pitched emission from what I think is its heat sink."

The Roses aren't the only late generation millennials struggling to communicate as they begin to have children. Having grown up with total immersion in post-internet life, many are having difficulty grasping that their newborn is another human being rather than a new peripheral for their smart phone. Many physicians, like pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, are being forced to adapt to parenting concerns that would have been unheard of just a few years ago. "They keep asking me what the WiFi password is and how to set up a WPAN."