Sunday, December 27, 2015

Experts Predict Post-Holiday Lull in War on Christmas.....

Manhasset, New York-With Christmas in the books and New Year's right around the corner, analysts are predicting that the long-running War on Christmas that has raged between those pushing a secular agenda in America, primarily atheists and communists, and upstanding Christian citizens, will soon start showing signs of abating.

General Maynard Tubbs, 17 confirmed kills in the Starbucks Cup offensive of 2015, shown here in a picture above this caption
Over the many years since the fighting began, January has been a time of regrouping and of rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States take advantage of the temporary ceasefire to shop at businesses such as Walmart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong holiday greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs.

"I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Bill O'Reilly explained. "Casualties are already down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, it is only a matter of time before proponents of the legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay dog weddings, and non-missionary position sexual intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation."

General Tom Flynn, leader of the secular military forces is looking forward to a lengthy lull in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for things to start back up around Thanksgiving. I can't say too much right now because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Skink Oil Will Revolutionize Your Health.....

Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol

If I asked you what is the healthiest oil on the market today, you'd probably say something stupid like olive oil or even avocado oil. But that's stupid. The newest, and most healthy oil on the planet today is skink oil. 

That's right, skink oil!

If you were to list all of the characteristics of the healthiest foods, what would make the top ten? High in monounsaturated Omega-3 fatty acid? Check. Low in amalgamated ash? Check. Green? Check. Skink oil has everything!

Skink oil has almost no amalgamated ash!

But before you get offended by the slaughtering of countless millions of skinks to harvest their sweet, precious bodily oils, let me reassure you. Producers of high quality organic skink oil, unlike the corporate labs that synthesize manufactured knockoffs, only use skinks naturally crushed by falling branches or the undigested remnants found in the feces of snakes and birds of prey. Skink oil is nature's gift to humanity!

Once a GPS tracker has been inserted into this Latvian River Skink's brain, it will be released into the wild and only harvested upon its natural death

What are the health benefits of skink oil? A better question would be what isn't a health benefit of skink oil! The answer is nothing. Nothing isn't a skink oil health benefit.

Skink oil has all the health benefits!

Now that you've seen the evidence for the miraculous health benefits that come from consuming and/or bathing daily in all-natural skink oil, I bet you're still wondering if it tastes good. Now I don't usually talk much about my father, on account of all the repressed memories and the decades of cognitive behavioral therapy it took to be able to leave the shed, but one thing he always told me was that if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Seriously, he said that!

He totally said that!

Skink oil is an exception to the wisdom passed down to me by father, who ultimately was murdered by my own hand one stormy night in the west Nebraska foothills. It isn't just the most amazing health supplement available on the internet, it is also delicious. And as if this wasn't enough, skink oil is also good for the planet because skinks are naturally bioreducible. 

Bioreducibility is the first step to bioredundancy!

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss cutting edge research into the amazing health benefits of skink oil and give readers access to my top ten favorite skink oil recipes. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

Monday, December 14, 2015

Elf on the Shelf Only Witness to Horrific Double Homicide.....

Strang, NE- When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time was of the essence. Every minute that passed without finding missing 3-year-old Gert McDonald decreased the likelihood that he would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, as was the search for the kidnapped toddler.
Is Clancy the elf, shown here masturbating silently, just an innocent bystander or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch?
For several days that search came up empty, until investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time. They were shocked to discover that they had missed one very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf. 
"We knew the rules going into the interrogation," Lead investigator Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gert still missing!"

But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. "We tried everything we could think of, even advanced techniques like hot cocoa boarding." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there. Another mysterious aspect to this troubling case.

With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gert and solving his parent's murders. Elves on Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. Billings is counting on this. "If that little spying bastard told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"