Friday, March 27, 2015

Rediscovered Bylaw Grants NPR Ombudsman Ultimate Authority Over Life and Death.....

Washington, D.C.- After the recent rediscovery of a long forgotten bylaw, found inscribed on a marble tablet stuck behind a broken vending machine in the basement of their world headquarters in Washington, the position of NPR Ombudsman has been granted ultimate authority over employee life and death.

Terry Gross, host and executive producer of Fresh Air, shown here just prior to being drawn and quartered for speaking a bit too slowly during an interview
"The task of the NPR Ombudsman has always been to serve as the public's representative," current Ombudsman Elizabeth Jensen explains. "Independence is crucial in responding to criticism and questions about transparency or ethics at NPR. Equally important, and I've said this from day one, is the ability to have transgressors put to death in the courtyard at noon on Tuesdays."

The NPR Ombudsman receives thousands of inquiries from listeners every year, and is charged with addressing public complaints about programming choices and comments made by on-air staff, like Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! host Peter Sagal, who was recently executed after a fan of the show was offended by a joke about Vladimir Putin and a water buffalo. According to NPR CEO Jarl Mohn, complaints are actually down nearly 15% since the reinstatement of capital punishment in January, and morale is at an all-time high. "I think it's pretty clear that total compliance with the Ombudsman is imperative in running a successful media organization. I for one thinks that she needs another raise. Help me."

Friday, March 20, 2015

Former Miracle Baby Dies Without Accomplishing Much of Anything.....

Belvidere, NE- Former "miracle" baby and Belvidere native Grover Elkins died today having accomplished nothing of note and established no lasting impact on his community.

Grover Elkins, shown here in a pre-decomposed state, adding nothing to society
"I'll never forget the day he was pulled from that chicken coop," Maynetta Elkins, the mother of the deceased, explained. "Doc Fishman said he'd never seen anyone with injuries like that survive. We all sure thought that God had something special planned for Grover and I don't think it was working as assistant manager at a Dairy Queen for 25 years and then having a heart attack on the toilet."

After being dragged from a backyard sandbox by a coyote, the 9-month-old Elkins sustained countless puncture wounds and lacerations during the vicious mauling. Left for dead by the rabid canine, he was then dragged into the family chicken coop by a neighbor's dog. General practitioner Mort Fishman, who was called to the scene several hours later when the body was discovered, attempted CPR but failed to restore spontaneous breathing and circulation of blood. He was declared dead at the scene.

As Dr. Fishman was preparing Elkins' body for transport to the town corpsery, where it would be processed for the Ritual of Ascendance per town bylaws, the family physician heard a faint moan coming from inside the state issued body bag. "I quickly opened the bag and confirmed a weak and thready pulse. The bastard was alive! At the time, I assumed that he was the vessel for Tealeoni, our Benevolent Lord and Protector, or that he would at least go on to cure cancer or something."

Elkins' funeral was attended by his mother, although she stood far enough back so that people passing by wouldn't make the connection. His position at Dairy Queen was filled within hours of his passing. A letter he had written, meant to be published in Belvidere's local newspaper Ye Olde Nebraskian upon his death, was lost and replaced by an ad for town chiropractor Frank Grimes' Spring into Summer Subluxation Free event.

Chiropractor Frank Grimes is offering a full set of spinal xrays, leg length analysis and 5 minutes in the Cash Grab-O-Tron for only $59! Spring into Summer Subluxation Free!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Naturopathic Researchers Link 95% of Chronic Illness to Oxygen Consumption.....

Kenmore, WA- Results of a decade-long study by Naturopathic researchers at world renowned Bastyr University are revealing some surprising truths about the connection between chronic heath problems and early childhood exposures.

According to new research, genetically modified scrod, shown here next to a traditional New England dining baton, may not be to blame for most chronic diseases. 
"The Naturopathic philosophy was built on a foundation of uncovering the path to truth regardless of where it leads," Bastyr president Daniel Church explained. "We're pretty comfortable with uncertainty and with following the evidence, even when we don't like the results."

According to Naturopathic physicians, whose incomes are legally equivalent to the money earned by regular physicians according to the Internal Revenue Service, it has long been known that the vast majority of human ailments are caused by the toxic environment we live in and create within ourselves through dietary choices. Most practitioners, like Kenmore native and Naturopathic Elder Grip Whitley, tend to blame illness on a wide variety of modifiable risk factors like the overgrowth of yeast in the body, exposure to WiFi and eating genetically modified scrod. "Human health is increasingly complex, and our diagnostic repertoire has had to expand significantly over the years in order to satisfy today's modern patients."

But the new study, published in Online Publishing Module 419 - Naturopathic Studies (Miscellaneous), is leading the Naturopathic community to question that approach because it found that nearly 95% of all chronic medical problems can be linked causally to oxygen consumption. "According to Wikipedia, we know that oxygen is associated with seizures, lung injury and blindness," Whitley revealed. "We are literally rusting at the cellular level!"

The team of researchers at Bastyr, led by Grand Elder Rance Witherspoon, is now planning to shine the light of Naturopathic discovery on the roughly 5% of people who appear to be immune to the effects of oxygen exposure. "Our initial research, which consisted of a telephone and email survey of Washington residents, was fine for gaining a global perspective of health. But surveys are too imprecise to tease out the finer points of wellness." According to Witherspoon, in addition to a larger survey, phase two of their research will also include observations made by Bastyr students and pre-elders while on a field trip to the Macaroni Grill at nearby Alderwood Mall in Lynnwood as part of a Clinical Diagnosis Elective and Continuing Naturopathic Education course.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Bully Scientists Close to Mapping Nerd Genome.....

Rapid City, SD-In a historic announcement today, an international team of bully scientists have announced that they are close to completing a full map of the nerd genome.

Hyperdweeb Velma Dinkley, shown here working on the case of the oddly stiff sock. Shaggy would later confess and leave the team. Years later, over drinks and leftover Chinese food, the four remaining Mystery Incorporated members would laugh about it as they each swallowed a 9 gram capsule of secobarbital.
"Bullies all over the world should appreciate this milestone," team leader Dr. Joey "The Gooch" Edwards explained. "Once we fully understand the genetic building blocks of the nerd, we will be one step closer to understanding geeks, dweebs, goobs and the elusive hyperdweeb. Once that is accomplished, we may finally come to understand who we are and why we are here."

Not everyone appreciates the recent advances in bully science and its social implications, including powerful nerds and goobs like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and Velma Dinkley. Gates revealed from his orbiting control center that "This is nothing but more bully propaganda being pushed on the American public under the guise of scientific progress." Dinkley added that "When fascism comes to America, it will migrate through polyacrylamide gel and give atomic wedgies!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

American Urgent Care Clinics Forced to Rethink Treatment Strategies After McDonald's Does Away with Antibiotics in Chicken Nuggets.....

New Orleans, LA- The world's largest fast food chain will be restricting the use of antibiotics in the production of chicken destined to become McNuggets, leaving many physicians forced to come up with new ways to encourage adherence to treatment recommendations in pediatric patients.

Will McDonald's decision to remove antibiotics from their chicken products worsen outcomes in serious pediatric bacterial infections? I don't know...maybe? 
"Many of the antibiotics used to help increase chicken yields are also important in the treatment of human disease," Mort Fishman MD, a physician at Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler Urgent Care and Drive Through Liquor Store in New Orleans, explained. "The Chicken McNugget has been one of our go to means of getting young children to achieve adequate serum antibiotic levels for years. Now what?"

Children are notoriously difficult patients when it comes to taking medications like antibiotics, especially toddlers who are often assholes. 1, 2, 3 Although not FDA approved for use as a medication, historically pediatric urgent care centers have dosed them much like they would a pill or capsule. For ear infections, usually a standard 4-piece order is effective. According to Fishman, more serious infections require larger orders. "For bone and joint infections, and the occasional meningitis, I tell parents that if their kid isn't better after 40 nuggets they should probably notify the funeral home. That's the art of medicine."

Thankfully the pharmaceutical industry is already working on a solution to the problem, so hopefully nervous parents of children with viral upper respiratory infections or orbital cellulitis won't need to live in a society where they won't have access to life-saving and delicious medical therapies. Pfizer, helmed by CEO Ian Reed, has already brought Zithromax Flavor Blast liquid water enhancer to the market. 4 But more plans are in the works. "We are shifting our focus away from the meat industry," Reed revealed. "There is too much stigma at this point. But vegetable based products are a largely untapped source of potential drug delivery systems. I mean, what kid doesn't love ketchup?"

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Controversial Fifth Dentist Missing, Foul Play Suspected.....

Tonganoxie, KS- Grant Ritchey, the Tonganoxie man who recently revealed himself as the controversial dissenting fifth dentist in a number of dental product surveys going back several decades, has been reported missing by his family.

Missing dentist Grant Ritchey, shown here holding his 1968 Grammys for Song of the Year and Best Contemporary-Pop Vocal Performance, Dentist 
"We have every reason to believe that Dr. Ritchey's disappearance is not a coincidence," FBI Junior Special Agent in Training in the Non-Essential Healthcare Related Crimes Division Jose Feliciano explained. "This is a man who has made a lot of enemies over the years. A lot of sparkly, minty fresh enemies."

Ritchey, who has been practicing in Tonganoxie since the town was first incorporated in 1866, first achieved notoriety in the early 1960's, although still anonymous at the time, when he refused to recommend Trident sugarless gum for his patients who chew gum. He would go on to refuse to recommend hundreds of products for his patients, even denying the benefits of toothpaste until 2006. His office staff, like dental hygienist Shanty Sinclair, remember him vaguely as "tall, I think" and "the guy who signed the checks."