Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Area Parents Struggle to Discuss Trump Victory with Young Democrats.....

Brookline, MA-  Many Clinton supporting Brookline toddlers awoke to the shocking news of a Trump victory today, leaving their parents burdened with the challenge of calming their fears and guiding them through a complex discussion of an uncertain future.

Parents Dawn and Felipe Ramirez, shown here holding a framed image of their unborn fetus captured at the exact moment he was told that Trump had won the election

"My sweet, innocent 4-year-old daughter awoke in a new country this morning," Brookline parent Allysa Hightower explained. "I sobbed that Trump had won and that the country was falling apart and she cried in desperate solidarity, joining me in anguish over the choices of our electorate. The video I made already has over two hundred Likes on Facebook!"

Pediatric mental health professionals, like Mort Fishman MD from the Center for Politically Conscious Preschoolers, are calling on parents of so-called "nasty toddlers" to handle any discussions of the election in a reassuring and thoughtful manner. He recommends the use of child-friendly communication tools like Play-Doh or hand puppets in order to help young children to fully grasp the consequences of the election and the now unavoidable hellscape of Trump's America. "The toddlers have it rough, but I really feel bad for the unborn Clinton supporters who have been apprised of the election results but have no means of communicating their fears outside of facial expressions or at best a rudimentary form of Morse code."

Friday, November 4, 2016

New Hospital Infection Control Guidelines Recommend Single-Use Therapy Dogs.....

Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2020.

Single-use therapy dog Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before incineration

"The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a therapy dog can bring to a hospitalized patient," IDSA President William G. Powderly explained. "Our new guidelines allow for both high quality infection control and snuggling with an adorable canine companion. In fact, that's one of our core values."

While the majority of American hospitals do not currently use disposable therapy dogs, some have been stocking them for years. Mort Fishman MD, Chief of Infection Control and Prevention at Our Lady of the Bloated Coffers Regional Medical Center in Lafayette, Louisiana, initiated a move to single-use dogs in 2012. "It cost us $73 million to expand storage and upgrade disposal capabilities, but it was worth it after that unfortunate autoclave incident."

Friday, August 19, 2016

Toilets are the New Smoking, Some Doctors Say Maybe?

Sinks, paper towel dispensers, hand dryers, latching stall doors, and flushing toilets are ubiquitous in bathrooms across the United States. There are varying degrees of technology, such as hands-free faucets or those Japanese toilets that analyze stool for vitamin deficiencies, but our bathrooms have many more similarities than differences. One important similarity is our American sedentary personal hygiene culture, and studies are showing that all that sitting on the toilet may be hazardous to our health.

An example of the sedentary toileting style popular in the United States

Whether at home, at work, or masturbating at the local library, American adults are spending a lot of time on toilets, and some experts say it's taking its toll on our bodies. The Ye Olde Nebraskian recently interviewed Dr. Mort Fishman, director of the Center for Research and Studies in Belvidere, Nebraska and inventor of the standing and treadmill toilets. Fishman has spent the better part of three decades investigating the consequences of an increasingly sedentary approach to toileting on our health and has come up with and extremely simple explanation:

"Seated toileting is more dangerous than smoking, kills more people than Ebola, and is riskier than wrestling a shark on his birthday. We are quite literally shitting ourselves to death."

Fishman was the first medical researcher to compare seated toilet time with smoking, but he's not alone in his fight to change the way we defecate. Piles of research has been published revealing that prolonged sitting on the toilet increases the risk of developing various cancers, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes. "In regions of the world where these luxury diseases are almost unheard of, invariably these are cultures that spend very little time sitting on flush toilets. There are many conditions not even described in the academic literature until after their invention."

Still, there are many unanswered questions. Is there any acceptable amount of seated toilet time? Can these detrimental health effects be counteracted by increased exercise or by making the switch to a standing toilet later in life? Does maternal sedentary toileting cause autism? Is breastfeeding protective?

Until the science is clear, experts near the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are recommending that we keep seated toilet time to the exact amount necessary. Fishman recommends that anyone using a conventional seated flush toilet should remove all reading material from the bathroom and install a system that administers an electric shock after a predetermined amount of time has passed. But he has an even better solution: cultural evolution. "Why are we relying on the use of what is essentially a 16th century technology? We have astronauts crapping in space for Christ's sake. Stand up for your health!"

Monday, August 15, 2016

Doctors Discover Terrifying Ghost Baby in Local Woman's Uterus, Skeptics Baffled.....

Culpeper, VA- It's on every woman's nightmare top ten list, a haunted or possessed uterus. Unfortunately for one Culpeper teen, this nightmare has become a reality. Doctors at Culpeper Regional Hospital are reporting a shocking discovery during the routine ultrasound of a female patient being seen for unexplained bloating and abdominal pain.

Unexplained entity seen on ultrasound of Culpeper teen

"We thought we were working up a simple case of appendicitis with a small intestinal obstruction, but there it was on the screen," emergency medicine physician Mort Fishman explained. "I called in everyone, even the janitor and that nun that's always skulking around the ICU. It was pretty grainy and a bit blurry, but we all saw it. And I think it saw us."

The woman, who has not been identified, was released into the custody of her parents and under the supervision of Father Mark Moretti from nearby Precious Blood Catholic Church. Her parents have requested privacy but did release the following statement: "We suspected something was wrong weeks ago when she complained of frequent bouts of intense nausea and unusual food cravings. That demon probably got in there while she was on her senior trip to Boston back in April."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of demon babies during his 50 years in Culpeper. "Demon babies come and demon babies go around here. And people move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963 and I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Breaking it Down: How Americans are Treating Their Colds.....

14%- Pentobarbital induced coma for 5-7 days or until able to breathe through nose.   

21%- Home suction device powered by Wartsila-Sulzer RTA96-C turbocharged diesel engine on loan from the US Navy.  

25%- Time travel to point prior to onset of cold, murder past self, take deep satisfying last breath while slowly fading into non-existence.

13%- Human sized hamster ball fitted with medical-grade HEPA filtration for trips outside the house.

15%- Moving family into secret underground bunker every Winter.

Nasal irrigation with Aunt Mabel’s chicken soup (Blue Ribbon winner at the county fair in 1953, the year Maynard’s hog got into the rat poison and up and died).

Monday, June 27, 2016

Experts Warn of Looming Peak in Conference Speaker Availability.....

Vancouver, BC-Citing a steady increase in the number of popular science and technology "idea conferences" over the past several years, industry experts fear that we may soon reach a peak in the capability of humanity to provide speakers.

This large potted plant, shown here being mistaken for a speaker at TEDxSanAntonio, has a book coming out in the Fall.

"Computer models have consistently put peak speaker somewhere in the early part of next decade," TED curator Chris Anderson explained. "That's the point where the maximum extraction rate of speakers is reached, after which we enter a decline from which we can't recover. By 2050, there just won't be any people left who haven't already spoken at one of our conferences. At that point, we'll become cannibals as the remnants of our species struggle to survive the breakdown of society and culture."

Many are placing the blame for the looming shortage of conference participants on the rapid expansion of quality conferences, the most egregious example being TEDx. Expansion, it is believed, is diluting the international pool of interesting speakers. Designed to foster a conversation about a variety of new ideas in individual communities, it quickly became clear that the bar for TEDx acceptance was set far too low in order to fill an ever increasing number of speaking slots.

"The original focus of TED and similar conferences was to encourage the sharing of "ideas worth spreading," sociologist Leather Handsome revealed. "With the development of extensions like TEDx, conference attendees are lucky to hear ideas with vowels. Seriously, one guy just grunted for ten minutes at TEDxOslo."

With thousands of these independently organized TED-like events taking place every year in numerous countries, and more popping up all the time, conferences have been forced to come up with new strategies. Many, particularly those in larger cities, are simply expanding the range of topics that are covered to include less conventional ideas, such as alternative medicine, self-help, and VCR repair. Some have been forced to try passing former speakers off as new by using a different name and having them put on a fake mustache.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

New Mouse Study Sheds Light on Human Love of Cheese.....

San Diego, CA- Scientists at the Scripps Research Institute have announced the surprising findings of a year-long investigation into a complex human behavior using the latest technological advances in murine modelling.

Study subject CM-411 "Sir Wiggletail" shown here eating a small cheese wedge and wearing a hat his wife made for him

"We literally ran thousands of trials using hundreds of live mice," lead researcher Hammock Lampshade explained. "After a brief exposure combining study variables, we began to see a pattern emerge that was incredibly consistent. Based on our findings, it is safe to conclude that humans love eating cheese and will repeatedly run through a maze to acquire more. But the research goes much deeper than just that."

Years of anecdotal observations have consistently revealed an apparent connection between humans and coagulated milk curds, sometimes referred to as cheese, or more commonly in Europe and non-Europe not-America, as hardsycurdsy. The varieties of cheese developed over the decades since its discovery one day just sitting there in an old milk bucket on a New Hampferdshire dairy farm, are staggering. If you've ever had pizza or Hardsycurdsy pie, you have had cheese.

Until now, research looking into human consumption of cheese has been sparse and superficial. Scientists have been trying to gain insight into our seemingly hardwired infatuation ever since President Bill Clinton begged the scientific community to unlock the mysteries of cheese during his penultimate term in office. Is it a neurological disorder, or perhaps simply an epigenetically imprinted instinct passed down from our cheese eating prosimian ancestors?

The observation that our love of cheese has developed into such a wide variety of phenotypes has always suggested that it is caused by the combined interactions between multiple regions of the brain. The amygdala probably serves as a neural linchpin, but the most widely recognized expressions of the human passion for cheese, such as grated Parmesan on a plate of meatballs or sliced mozzarella on a Caprese salad, are believed to originate in the orbital frontal cortex (OFC) and the ventromedial striatum (VMS). These areas of the brain are in charge of decision making and volitional activity as well as our experience of fear and response to the perception of risk. In functional MRI studies, when a waiter asked subjects to "say when" as he began to dump shredded Parmesan into the their open mouths, the OFC and VMS moved a little.

To tease out these neural pathways, and how their malfunction may have resulted in the invention of fondue, the Scripps researchers turned to a new technology called olfactogenetics. After developing a viral conveyance for a sequence of genetic code that results in the production of olfactory neurons sensitive to the scent of strong cheese and shoe store loaner socks, they injected it into the brains of lab mice. This genetic modification caused the mice to develop extreme sensitivity to these particular odors.

"When we triggered the olfactory stimulation, we expected to see an increase in abnormal behavior," Lampshade revealed. "Would the mice demonstrate merely an increased attraction to cheese? An obsession? Would they traverse a cleverly designed maze if a lump of cheese was placed at the other end? Would they murder each other for just a tiny sliver? After several days of exposure for a few minutes each day, we began to see an interesting pattern emerge."

According to the team, the mice had been neurologically poked in such a way as to cause an intense love of cheese. Even after the mice were returned to the prison population, they continued to experience cravings that lasted for over a week. Some of the mice had to be given a cheese taper in order to wean them without severe withdrawal symptoms. Sadly, one mouse took her own life by hurling herself into the path of Snuggles, the lab's psychic death cat.

The team's findings have expanded our understanding a great deal, particularly regarding why some humans can go for long periods of time without significant cheese consumption and then, often after a psychosocial stressor such as a bad day at work or the unexpected conclusion of a romantic relationship, consume large quantities in a single sitting. But are humans born with the potential for these events, or does repeated normal exposure establish a pattern of brain neurochemistry that is primed over time. Future research into these questions is already being planned.

This research also expands our concept of the underlying neural connections behind the desire for cheese, and may be the first step in the development of drugs that specifically target cravings in people diagnosed with Obsessive Cheese Desire (OCD). OCD is widely regarded as one of the more prevalent food obsession disorders and likely plays a role in some people being fat and gross. A pharmaceutical option that reduces the need for deep-brain scrapings (DBS) would probably be welcomed by the aforementioned gross fatties if they could stop eating cheese for five minutes.

The deepest mysteries of OCD remain, however. Unless you are advocating drilling into the heads of patients with the disorder to see if there is actual cheese up in there, and what kind of cheese it is, we may never find answers to all of these questions. Still, drills are cheap and plentiful and OCD sufferers may just be desperate enough to agree to it if publicly shamed.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Wendy's to Introduce Naturally Formed French Fries.....

Dublin, OH- In an effort to win over increasingly health conscious American diners, the Wendy's fast food restaurant chain will begin offering naturally formed french fries in select West Coast locations this Summer.
All Wendy's naturally formed fries are made from organic Idaho russet potatoes each individually hugged by kittens right up until harvest 
"We took the fast food world by storm with our natural-cut fries back in 2011," Wendy's founder Dave Thomas's official corporeal vessel and Vice President of Postmortal Communications Brabara Bloodstone explained. "People don't just want high quality ingredients that their grandmother would have had in her kitchen, or that were concocted in some laboratory on Skull island. They want to know that what they are eating has a genuine connection with nature that is maintained right up until they shove handfuls of it down their gullets, barely even taking the time to chew more than once or twice."

According to Marketing Control Program 10.1, Wendy's naturally formed fries will revolutionize the fast food experience because at no point in their journey from "spud to sphincter" will they be processed in any way. In fact, they won't even be touched by human hands at all. "All of our fries will be compassionately collected by trained non-GMO monkeys only after all-natural elements, such as wind and water, have eroded the potato into bite size chunks, but before it has become unpalatable due to mushiness and rot." 

Wendy's naturally formed fries will be priced a stone's throw from what customers are comfortable paying for their current fries, coming in at just under $10 per fry. Customers can also personally select which individual fries they would like to be placed in Wendy's new Native American Dreambasket™ as well as which artisinal dipping sauce they would like hand painted onto their fries by area art students, homeless people, and homeless art students. All fries will be lightly coated in Dead Sea salt and prayed over by Latvian monks for a minimum of 6 weeks.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Biohacking Your Way to True Health.....

Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol, shown here pointing his feelings

Everywhere you look these days, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you true health, that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some lame excuse, I have a rabbit punch just for you. A rabbit punch of truth. Besides, biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you!

Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it!

When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. With biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I won't die. Biohacking!
Biohack your body with every breath!
Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. That'll show your no good son for just leaving you at that dump one rainy Sunday like the time I drove a homeless man deep into the woods and chained him to a stump.
I don't have a son. Not anymore!
What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my guide to quick and effortless biohacking!
Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel wetter. You'll have limited telekinetic powers. 
Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director. What was his big idea again? Movies? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a damn projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown.
You may already be biohacking and not even know it. That's right! Here a few common everyday examples:

1. Taking A calmative to help relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview.
2. Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market.
3. Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there like the last 30 years never happened. I'm too emotionally crippled? I told her I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion during the ceremony!
 Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into the body impacts how we feel. Optimizing the input can unleash our output and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark.

Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences!
Since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean, we have sought to change our bodies. It’s a fundamental aspect of humanity. Otzi, a 5,000 year old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking!
Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. Thanks to recent advances in technology, it’s now easier to do that than ever before.

Mummified human Otzi, shown here staring intently into a camera

Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success!

1. Standing up straight

Research in actual scientific laboratories has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone or up at a stupid cloud they are one step closer. You don't want your head to just fall off one day when you least expect it? 

2. Improve your nutrition

97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbananamino acids in the form of fermulated puddings and animal leavings. And yet they wonder why so many people are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago.  

3. Be one with nature

Sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in living longer. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on benches. See! They are really old.

4. Eat wild foods 

Hunting and gathering your foods is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should put it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman!

5. Drink unprocessed water from random bodies of water

The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that are better served in our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I....I can't.

6. Breathe fresh natural air 

I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand. 
7. Natural light

There is nothing worse you can do for your body than to expose yourself to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum sealed canisters  is a carcinogen and a poor replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other because the whales suffer before they die.

8. Get a new attitude

Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench, soak up the natural sunlight, and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouch air. You can order pouch air from a variety of amazing sources on my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one. 
9. Biohack with music

That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour.

10. Miscellaneous biohacking tips

-Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen.
-Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and coworkers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside their home or their child's school.
-Drink coffee mixed with chicken fat in a 1:1 mixture. If you can't eat it with a spoon, you stopped adding chicken fat too soon. 
Everyone can benefit from biohacking!
Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing!

Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does!
But who can benefit the most from biohacking?

-People who feel like they can do better
-Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures

-People who think that they could be healthier
-Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way

-Cats that are still shitting in piles of clothes in your bedroom
Good luck!

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion Researchers Still Looking for Answers.....

Baton Rouge, LA- When Jessica and Tina Parish left their quaint suburban bungalow, looking forward to their first night out without adopted infant son Calcasieu, the last thing they expected was a frantic call from the babysitter.

Squirrels, like Bob McWhiskers from Canton, OH, may to blame for cases of sudden unexplained infant combustion

"He's on fire! The baby is on fire," babysitter and LSU junior Myrtle Plantation recalls screaming into her Apple 6 smartphone. "It's the last thing I expected to happen."

Expected or not, sweet little Calcasieu had erupted into a nine pound ball of flames and liquefied fat without warning. The Parish family was left with a tiny pile of ashes and one very large question. Why? 

Calcasieu had never burst into flames before. He didn't have an untreated fever leading up to the event. The adoption agency had provided documentation stating that there was no family history of smoke coming out of people's ears when they get angry, let alone suddenly catching fire for no apparent reason.

Unfortunately, pediatric experts like Mort Fishman, MD don't have many answers when it comes to the spontaneous combustion of human infants. "Most of our data comes from mouse and primate studies. It's difficult to know how much we can apply to a human child like precious little Calcasieu."

Historically, Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion (SUIC) has been lumped together with cases of Spontaneous Human Combusion (SHC). SHC is considerably more popular and better studied, with recent advances in screening and prevention having changed the prognosis from certain horrible death to a chronic disease with expectations of a normal life expectancy, much like AIBS, Advanced Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But Fishman believes that SUIC and SHC may be distinctly different conditions.

The origin of SHC as a human disease is now widely accepted to have occurred when Spontaneous Simian Combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans that time when Pete and Wendy Jenkins took that trip to Africa. Experts aren't so certain when it comes to SUIC. Quantum linkage analysis of mitochondrions recovered from the remains of patients reveal squirrel DNA. Complicating things is the fact that, like SHC, there has never been a witnessed case. This has allowed a number of competing etiological hypotheses to emerge, like formula fracking and squirrel suicide bombers. 

The Parish family has had to deal with a lot of uncertainty since that tragic day. But they haven't given up hope that science will shine a light on the mysterious condition that took their son. For now, researchers like Mort Fishman MD remain baffled.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Cleveland Clinic Unveils New Integrative Medical Emergency Codes.....

Cleveland, OH- As part of its mission to address an increasing demand for integrative healthcare, Cleveland Clinic's Center for Integrative & Lifestyle Medicine and Center for Functional Medicine have focused on providing hospital patients access to a wide variety of alternative medical practices. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a free lunch in the practice of medicine. In order to deal with the increasing number of unconventional inpatient emergencies, the Cleveland Clinic has announced the immediate institution of a new set of integrative medical emergency codes for hospital use.

Cleveland Clinic tickle therapists, shown here responding to a Code Grump

"It would be foolish to think that expanding our understanding of health and wellness wouldn't come with a price, Delos "Toby" Cosgrove, CEO and President of Cleveland Clinic, explained. "We live on the leading edge of integrating alternative and conventional medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, and once again we are serving as an example for other facilities to follow."

Hospital emergency codes, such as "Code Blue" in the case of respiratory or cardiac arrest, have historically been used to alert hospital staff to current or potential emergencies. Announced over facility loudspeakers or via the use of a paging system, they allow for an efficient and effective response from appropriate people or teams. Cleveland Clinic has instituted a new coverage system to make sure that appropriate alternative medical personnel are available at all times. The following are examples of some of the new integrative medical emergency codes:

1. Code Wobble - Immediate response from Quantum Therapy (QT) for analysis and stabilization of a patient's vibrational imbalance
2. Code Shake and Bake - Immediate response from Homeopathics for evaluation of a patient that has been administered, and is suffering an acute reaction to, an overly succussed remedy
3. Code Accordion - Immediate response from Chiropractic team for stabilization of a patient suffering from Accordion syndrome, or total collapse of the spine secondary to sudden-onset subluxation disorder
4. Code Three Gorges - Immediate response from Acupuncture team for management of a overwhelming or multifocal chi stagnation (MCS)
5. Code Corkscrew - Immediate response from the Lyme Literate physician on-call for confirmation and initiation of IV antibiotics for a patient with chronic Lyme disease

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Oregon Traditional Midwives Upgrade to Level 3 Home Births.....

Portland, OR- Home births, while on the rise across the United States, remain a controversial but empowering option for bringing a new baby into the world. Hospital deliveries may allow rapid access to modern medical interventions, but are seen by some as a patriarchal distraction from what matters most, the crafting of an ideal experience. A new breed of health-related non-professionals are helping to bring the two approaches together in Oregon.

A deluxe birthing pond like the one shown here can accommodate a mother, her newborn infant, several large koi, and a small to medium sized dolphin with ease

When Karyn Smith decided to have her first baby in the comfort of her own home, she wanted to make sure that every possible precaution was taken to ensure the safety of her personal narrative, of which she had been the hero for as long as she could remember. She researched the most popular home delivery blogs, hired a human doula, and had a birthing pond dug in the backyard in preparation for her big day. She even updated her Facebook profile regularly throughout the process. Finally, she joined a growing number of Oregon women choosing to have their social currency payloads delivered with the assistance of an advanced, or level 3, traditional midwife.

"Going with a level 3 midwife just made the most sense," Smith explained. "They are trained to manage pregnancy and delivery complications in ways that preserve the sanctity of a mother's experience, and none of my friends have used one yet. That's important to me, and it will be important to my followers on Instagram."

Level 3 traditional midwives are not licensed by the state of Oregon, and are not allowed to provide oxygen or IV medications. But they make up for any deficiencies in training or the ability to prevent maternal or perinatal mortality by offering advanced experience-supportive measures in the case of an emergency, such as hiring a live band to accompany the second of labor or providing an assortment of delicious chocolates. According to Joan Odenkirk, an advanced traditional midwife who completed some high school and has watched several deliveries in person and on YouTube. "It usually works out great!"

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Integrative Therapy Cat Brings Reiki to Those Most in Need.....

Belvidere, NE- Although the Pope has declared that only baptized heterosexual dogs that have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, he may soon change his subjectively determined opinion after learning about 9-year-old tortoiseshell cat Gloria King, a Reiki therapy animal at Shady Acres Post-Productivity Citizen Storage Facility 37-C.

Reiki practitioner Gloria King
"She may not be going to Heaven, but she certainly came from there," coherent old man and Shady Acres resident Mitch Rangler explained. "I love that cat more than anything, even my fading memories of that time I met Mamie Van Doren. Now that was a handsome woman. A handsome woman. Excuse me, but I seem to have soiled myself, would you please call the nurse?"

Gloria King, a former stray and the first cat to have achieved the distinction of being a Level 7 Reiki Grand Master, was entirely self-taught, leading some in the Reiki community to believe that she may be the chosen one prophesied in the Tome of the Ancients. Her unique gift was discovered, seemingly on accident one day, when she was found in the bushes in front of the facility soon after Maynard Hanson had remarked that his crippling arthritis "seemed a mite better." She has lived at Shady Acres every since, and has even taken on duties as Social Director.

"There is definitely something going on that I can't explain," Mort Fishman MD, a conventional medical geriatrician that makes rounds at the facility every Tuesday, allowed. "Somehow it just seems to know when one of these old geezers is about to kick the bucket. Gloria King? I thought we were talking about the cat that senses death. Sorry, he was just here on a national tour."

This miraculous feline may not be able to predict when one of the Shady Acres residents is about to die, but she does seem to know exactly who needs her most that day. In fact, the nurses are all like, "How did Gloria King know that Mrs. Ashmore was up all night vomiting tapioca and glazed ham?" Seriously, everyone is like, "How does she know?"

Reiki, an ancient technique that involves the channeling of healing energy through touch from practitioner to patient in order to activate innate restorative processes, appears to be well suited to cats. Gloria King, who is blind and paralyzed since being accidentally crushed under the wheels of a Little Rascal mobility scooter in 2013, loves to lay in a resident's lap for hours on end. But it doesn't take much time with Gloria King to see that beneath those knowing milky white eyes she is doing God's work.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Local Man Outraged Over Food and Wine Pairing.....

Diggens, TX-Dave Catania, a long time wine enthusiast, has expressed outraged over wine waiter Franz Chaubert's pairing suggestions for his appetizer and main entree last night at a local Sizzler Steakhouse restaurant.

Diggens native Dave Catania, shown here mere moments before initiating a cosmic chain of events that will culminate in the bloody end of all mankind
"The sushi was served with a 2003 Riesling that was far too sweet," Catania explained. "My scallops were served with a Chardonnay that was just insulting. Sure it was drinkable, but severely over-oaked. And the lamb came with a Syrah that tasted like the chef added raspberry syrup to it. I'm simply not going to stand for this kind of treatment, which is why I've filed a grievance with the Court of Master Sommeliers."

Master Sommelier Doug Frost, a member of the Court of Master Sommeliers (CMS) and widely considered to be America's foremost expert on pairing wine with food, was formally presented a copy of the grievance in the secret underground Fortress of Sommeliers earlier today. "This is what we, the members of the Court of Master Sommeliers and protectors of mankind, have been dreading for decades. A weak and uninspired list of pairings such as this is a clear sign that the events of the great prophecy are finally at hand. We will do what we can to save humanity from the upcoming horrors, but even the combined powers of the Court of Master Sommeliers may not be enough."

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Experts Warn Parents to Avoid Black Market Ultra Absorbent Diapers.....

Irving, TX- Citing new researcher from the Kimberly-Clark Institute for Applied Absorbency (IAA), authorities are warning parents to avoid black market ultra absorbent diapers available for sale online and from disreputable brick-and-mortar sources in a growing number of U.S. cities.

A toddler, shown here wearing an ultra absorbent black market diaper mere seconds before collapsing to the ground in a pile of bone dust, teeth, nails, and hair
"This is a serious issue that parents and pediatric healthcare professionals need to be aware of," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "When we tested one in the lab, we were like, this can't be happening. But it was. It's true. All of it. The diapers, the insane absorbency, they're real."

Thanks to the team at IAA, federal authorities may finally have a smoking gun in their investigation of a growing number of infant and toddler disappearances over the past several months. Lead IAA researcher Hanz Gladstone believes that the illegal ultra absorbent diapers are so powerful that children are being literally absorbed to death. "Around the lab we refer to the diaper's wetness indicator as the blue line of doom. A postdoc lost a hand just trying to put one on a research mannequin."

Mort Fishman, MD, FAAP, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Infantile Incontinence, is calling for the media to help raise awareness of the nasty nappies. "Parents should only purchase Federal Diaper Association approved products. They should never sacrifice the safety of their children for the siren call of a dry baby bottom."

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Sorghum Still Least Popular Grain in Key Tween Demographic.....

Omaha, Nebraska- Since reporting on the last American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI) survey in 2007, not much has changed for the beleaguered sorghum industry. The ten-year survey, an assessment of attitudes towards and frequency of use of various grains sent to all children ages 9 to 13 years living in the United States, has once again revealed sorghum to be the least popular cereal crop among preteens and adolescents. In contrast to it's rock bottom popularity in the U.S. however, sorghum continues to be an extremely important cereal crop internationally, with over 440,000 square kilometers devoted to its production.

Even Anne Hathaway, shown here filming an ad for sorghum's "It Probably Tastes Fine!" campaign, wasn't able to boost its sagging popularity among tweens
"Let's just say that the sorghum industry did not see this coming," recently elected Sorghum Council representative Anderson Sawyer explained. "It's disheartening to see all of our hard work, not to mention the monetary investment, fail so completely. It's time to regroup and come up with a fresh approach."

It's Déjà vu for the sorghum industry as once again experts in the field of marketing and crop psychology are claiming that a complete retooling of the grain's image is necessary to improve mind and market share. Grain analyst Null Smith is skeptical that it will ever be possible for sorghum to compete with leaders in preadolescent popularity like buckwheat and millet, or even with spelt, a surprising newcomer to the top five most popular whole grains. "They are going to need something big. I'm talking Adele announcing that she gargles sorghum syrup to soothe her sore throat. Or maybe a sex tape with what's his name. The guy with the hair. You know, the black one."

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Adrian Brody Announces Endorsement of Syntech Chemical.....

Houston, TX-In a press conference held today at Syntech Chemical's Global Headquarters, Oscar winner Adrien Brody announced his full endorsement of the companies vision for the future.

Oscar winner Adrien Brody, shown above with arms folded and lightly mussed hair, rarely endorses products.

"From simple reactions to multi-step batch reactions, Syntech Chemical is committed to delivering a quality product, on time, and to precise performance specifications," Brody, the star of such films as Jailbreakers and King Kong stated. "I don't trust anyone but Syntech for my centrifugations, distillations, tolling, vacuum and other chemical processes!"

Syntech Vice-President James Gordon remarked "This really is a shock. We didn't go to Mr. Brody, he came to us. We had no idea he was such a fan of our work. Robert Downey Jr. sure, but this was honestly a big surprise for all of us. I haven't seen that piano movieWas it any good?"

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

5 Mind Blowing Behind-the-Scenes Facts about Scrubs!.....

Think You'll Never Watch Scrubs! the Same Way Again? Probably After Reading This!

Scrubs!, an immensely popular Peabody Award winning television series that ran for 9 critically noticed seasons, still has legions of devoted fans. And thanks to streaming services like Netflix, Amazon Prime, CloudDump, Streamflush, Faceblast, and Eyescraper, so-called Scrubheads! can watch their favorite show for hours at a time, urinating in buckets and living off of couch crumbs and leftover packets of duck sauce. But even the most hardcore fans will be amazed by these five behind-the-scenes revelations!

The original cast of Scrubs!, shown here right before transmorphing into their Power Scrub battle suits, was replaced after the pilot was picked up by NBC.

1. Scrubs!, though based on the inner workings of a real hospital and the day-to-day lives of typical staff, is actually fictional. The doctors, nurses and other hospital staff are played by actors and actresses. But did you know that the patients were shipped over from nearby Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in order to give a sense of urgency and realism to the production. Zach Braff has described the show as "an exploration of the true nature of human suffering and the inner turmoil of a group of people without any real attachments to each other or the world around them, essentially serving as a suicide note for mankind." Hilarious but true!

2. You've probably seen the show's famous catch phrase, "Hey, give me back my scrubs you dummy!", on tee-shirts or on signs at political protests. But did you know that it happened by accident? According to show creator Bill Lawrence, it was never even in the script! "One day John C. McGinley realized that an extra had accidentally picked up his scrubs. So he just starts wailing on the guy and screaming for him to give his scrubs back. I don't think the poor bastard ever regained consciousness but he was one of those orphans owned by the studio so we all had a good laugh." Now that's a spicy meatball!

Neil Flynn, shown here performing a scene from his off-Broadway one-man show Man in Chair
3. The fan favorite character portrayed by veteran comic actor Neil Flynn, indirectly referred to as "Diamond Jim" throughout the show's run, wasn't originally intended to be J.D.'s real father. Flynn revealed the original plan for the role in his recently published autobiography, I Am Diamond Jim. "The first day on set they have me in this Janitor outfit, and I'm like what if I'm really J.D.'s long lost father AND the janitor?" You can say that again!

4. Who can forget season 4's very special episode on teen drinking and driving? But did you know that it was special for another reason, one that was only recently revealed on Lifetown's "The Unapproved Story of Scrubs! Episode I: The Omega Protocol?" The episode, directed by none other than Scrubs! own Donald Faison ("Turf"), was written by Scrubhead! and former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney. Faison revealed, "If you look closely in the scene where robot Elliot disembowels the Megaraptor, Cheney can be seen peeking out from behind the leaves of a potted ficus tree." Only on television!

Actress Judy Reyes, shown here holding the Vessel of Azolgoth
5. Everyone knows about the backwards title sequence chest x-ray and the weekly human sacrifices to appease the Demon Lord Azolgoth, but did you know that each and every episode of Scrubs! contains secret hidden messages designed to hasten the apocalypse. Sad sack lawyer Ted Buckland, played by twins Sam and Chris Evert-Lloyd, wrote about the role of Scrubs! in the eventual demise of man in their children's novel, The Tickle Fairies' Blood Pact. "If you take every sixth letter of every sixth word of every sixth episode, it spells out the incantation to be spoken during the Azolgoth's awakening ceremony." That's the fleek!

Monday, February 1, 2016

Dangerous "Kinesio Tape Challenge" Increasing in Popularity Among Teen Boys.....

Lindon, UT- The latest viral internet stunt sweeping the nation, known as the "Kinesio Tape Challenge," has left one teenage boy severely injured and fighting for his life.

McHuggins, shown here all messed up by a catastrophic reaction to an unprofessional application of Kinesio Tape

"They think it's just harmless fun," physical therapist and Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner Dirk LaGrange CKTP explained. "But large numbers of adolescents are putting their health at risk when they apply Kinesio Tape technology to themselves or their friends without proper training or supervision."

When Gundar McHuggins Jr., a 15-year-old sophomore at Lindon High, allowed a friend to carelessly apply hundreds of strips of the powerful tape to his extremities and torso, he only expected to experience few laughs. They even filmed the stunt for uploading to the YouTube. But instead of an afternoon of fun, the camera captured a young man's fight to survive.

McHuggins, once haphazardly covered in the tape, began to show signs of problems almost immediately according to expert analysis of the video by LaGrange. He pointed out that the signs can be subtle at first, but eventually even the untrained eye can pick up on more overt evidence of a dangerous reaction. "Right at about the 30-second mark you see Gundar begin to look fatigued and his respiration is slower, deeper, and more forceful. A few minutes later he's on the ground, violently seizing, and the lower part of his body is swollen almost beyond recognition."

According to experts like LaGrange, Kinesio Tape is far more than just fancy elastic athletic tape. Properly applied strips, which come in variety of vibrant colors, can support injured musculature and reduce fatigue. It can even improve lymphatic drainage and reduce inflammation. The first thing is good and the second is really, really bad. It works using the power of proprioception, a neuromuscular feedback system in the body, and helps injured muscles relax while at the same time encouraging healthy muscles to work harder. It's amazing!

When a professional applies the tape, exact placement is key to the widespread anecdotal reports of benefit. Strips must align perfectly with the targeted muscles and the direction of lymph flow. Improper placement can restrict muscle movement and impair drainage. McHuggins was nearly suffocated when he struggled to breath against the force of the Kinesio Tape strips scattered over his chest and back, and he suffered nearly complete lymph obstruction in his lower extremities, essentially an acute form of elephantiasis. Although he is now stable on a breathing machine, doctors say that he may require several operations to fully restore lymphatic flow and prevent chronic severe swelling of his legs and feet.

Gundar's mother is warning parents about the risk of Kinesio Tape. She believes that the tape should be kept out of the reach of small children and that families who keep it in the home should have frank discussions about its risks as well as a safety plan. "This is a medical tool and it has risk. It has the ability to improve the lives of millions, perhaps even billions of people, but used incorrectly it can ruin lives too."

Friday, January 29, 2016

Increasing Number of Dental Patients are Hiring Doulas.....

Tonganoxie, KS- Ever since she was a young girl, Suzy Flanders dreamed of having a natural root canal without pain medications or anesthesia, just like in the Bible.

An inverted quantum matrix proving the myriad benefits of using of a dental doula
"When the big day finally came, and my dentist recommended the procedure, I couldn't believe it," Flanders explained. "I read everything I could find online and in the magazines in the waiting room, and the right choice quickly became clear."

What she found was a consistent recommendation to have someone present in the procedure room that been through the experience themselves. Many proponents of natural dental care endorse this practice because there is clear evidence that it might help. After discussing the idea with her husband Daniel, who she met at a local Home Depot last March, they decided to seek out the services of a dental doula.

Just like doulas that attend the birth of a child or farm animal, the specific focus of a dental doula involves being present prior to and during a procedure in order to provide reassurance, support, and information. The dental doula that Flanders found served as a calming presence and a firm yet supple voice of support and encouragement throughout the experience. "We really connected. She had been through it all herself and felt the blinding pain that I was feeling. I was able to focus on her voice and cling to it like a piece of floating driftwood during a powerful storm."

Introspective data from across the nation has shown an increasing utilization of dental doula services over the past decade. According to the American College of Dental Doulas (ACDD) there has been a steady growth in interest in Kansas as well as many other states, even Hawaii, Alaska, and Nebraska. They believe that dental doulas empower patients and ease communication with dentists, orthodontists, and their support staff without giving dental advice.

"We've moved past the point where people with gum disease and rotten teeth are learning about the benefits of natural dental procedures," ACDD president Jaime Friemdan revealed. "Now people know what they want and why they want it. They just need the support to get it."

First-time dental patients are especially vulnerable, according to Friemdan. When a dental doula enters the room, they allow for the patient to relax and focus on blocking out the agony that they are about to experience. They are ready with helpful information and encourage reasonable expectations. "We can tell the patient that they made the right choice and help them focus on the benefits of that choice between the shrieks and intermittent sobbing."

Patients interested in using the services of a dental doula need to do their homework. Unfortunately, no states require certification of competence. Some, like Tonganoxie dentist Grint Ratchey, compare the current dental doula climate to the Wild West. "You just never know what you are going to get. Some dental doulas are excellent, some don't know the oral cavity from a hole in the ground. I know when a patient has made a good choice though. They all scream, but there is an underlying peace beneath the screams that reminds me of why I got into natural dentistry in the first place."

A dental procedure can be one of the most rewarding and meaningful experiences in a person's life, but it can also be one of the most challenging. Patients who rate their root canals and tooth extractions as positive tend to express feelings of being in control. Dental doulas work for the patient, not the dentist or insurance company, which frees them from many constraints that interfere with the desired outcome. Dental procedures are about more than just fixing a tooth, they are about fulfilling a mouth's destiny.

Suzy Flanders now has had three root canals and an extraction, all with the aid of a dental doula. She is even considering a fourth root canal and is interested in having the procedure done in a warm water environment surrounded by koi and/or a dolphin. Because of her positive experiences with dental doulas, she says she would recommend them to anyone. " I will never forget when Dr. Ratchey handed me my extracted tooth, my husband on my right and my dental doula on my left, both enveloping me with gentle and relaxing energy."

Monday, January 25, 2016

You'll Never Believe What Happened When This Adorable Toddler Responded to an Actual In-Flight Medical Emergency.....

You'll Never Believe What Happened When This Adorable Toddler Responded to an Actual In-Flight Medical Emergency!
Is there a doctor on the plane?
1. Two medical doctors stayed in their seats, relieved that it was somebody else's problem now.

2. The teenage boy in 11B ignored the commotion and continued to focus intently on taking advantage of the free WiFi to look at porn without the his mom or the lady in 11C noticing.

3. That sassy older flight attendant sarcastically remarked, "This is what happens when you get health insurance through Obamacare."

4. The co-pilot made a mental note to rededicate his life to his family and his church just as soon as the plane touched down and he had a chance to stash the 2 kilos of Colombian yayo sitting in his rectal cavity.

5. The toddler was accepted to the University of Medicine and Health Sciences in St. Kitts.

6. The man, a 72-year-old Vietnam veteran with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease who forgot to pack his inhaler, died clutching his chest and muttering something about the angel of death.

7. The child's parents were eventually sued in civil court by the family of the dead passenger. Financially ruined, her mother soon began drinking again and her father just left one morning and never returned.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Area Playground Not the Same Since Diarrhea Slide Incident.....

Homewood, AL- Despite a thorough cleaning, and a successful manhunt to find and make an example of those responsible sponsored by the Mayor's office, the playground at Homewood's Overton park has yet to fully recover from a mid-December diarrhea slide incident.

This Overton park playground, believed to be a physical representation of the spirit of Gaia, may never fully recover.
"This park used to be full of children on a Saturday afternoon, or after school let out," Parks and Recreation Director Linkletter Binkley explained. "Something stirred that day when the diarrhea flowed down that cursed slide. Something deep within the very bowels of this land. Something evil. It isn't fully awake yet, but that day is near. The day where we are judged and held accountable for our sins against nature."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of diarrhea on slides during his 50 years in Homewood. "Diarrhea comes and diarrhea goes around here. And people move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963 and I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Millions of Snowed In Americans Planning to Learn More About Presidential Candidates.....

Washington, D.C.- With up to 2 feet of snow having already fallen in some areas, and perhaps days to weeks of power outages expected across much of the Eastern seaboard, millions of Americans are planning to learn more about the presidential candidates in order to become more informed voters in the upcoming election.

A line of hopeful advanced citizens standing in line outside of a Manhattan public library, hoping to stock up on books about the American political process while supplies hold
"If you're looking for a silver lining in this situation, a lot of people are going to finally have the kind of time on their hands necessary to do a deep dive on the various backgrounds and positions of the presidential candidates," explained D.C. area kindergarten teacher Kacee Mistgrave. "The lines at the bookstores and libraries are crazy but it's worth it in order to give the democratic process the respect it deserves."

This isn't the first time that a natural disaster provided time for reading and quiet contemplation about a complicated topic. According to Alabaster Montreal, a professor of Cultural Literacy and Applied Applications at East Coast College of Such Things, there is a long history of Americans coming together to advance their understanding of vital concepts. "In the aftermath of the devastating 2005 hurricane season, we saw millions of people along the Gulf Coast researching the impact of global climate change on future weather patterns as well as the science of evolution."

Friday, January 22, 2016

American Academy of Pediatrics Publishes Guidelines on Extreme Breastfeeding.....

Portland, OR- When new mother Jessica Ramirez found a Groupon for free skydiving lessons, she imagined having the experience of a lifetime soaring above the clouds. After all, this was an adventure that she had dreamed of embarking on for years. Excited, and more than a little nervous, Ramirez approached the counter with her smartphone in one hand and the head of her quietly nursing 3-month-old daughter Jennifer supported in the other.

An extreme breastfeeder, shown here feeding her young infant during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona

“The man at the counter gave me this look, like he was shocked that I would feed my hungry baby in public,” Ramirez recounted. “And when he told me that they didn’t allow mothers to breastfeed during jumps, my jaw hit the floor. This is 2016. This is America.”
Ramirez, an artisinal home infusionist at Portland's Peach & Barrow compounding pharmacy, is part of growing trend in human lactation known as extreme breastfeeding. Extreme breastfeeding, though considered pejorative by some in the lactation support industry, is considered by many proponents to be the leading edge of a struggle to normalize public breastfeeding. They encourage mothers to breastfeed when and wherever they choose, even if that means making some people uncomfortable. 

"The scientific evidence is incredibly clear when it comes to the benefits of human lactation," Nancy Shiversmith IBCLC, RLC, GED, CPR certified, a Portland area lactation consultant revealed. "Isn't it bad enough that many of these children had to wait up to 9 months in the womb before having access to their mother's precious elixir of life? Should they have to wait for her to finish her mixed martial training class too?"

In response to an increase in incidents involving the practice of extreme breastfeeding, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Section on Breastfeeding recently published an updated policy statement. In the report, common concerns from mothers, business owners, and government officials are addressed. The statement endorses the practice and calls for more accommodations for mothers choosing to breastfeed during nontraditional activities, like whitewater rafting or zip lining, or when nursing their child in atypical locations, such as a shooting range or the summit of Mount Everest.
Mort Fishman MD FAAP, lead author of the AAP report, believes that society needs to move beyond this issue and that the new guidelines are a step in the right direction. He considers the labeling of some activities as appropriate for breastfeeding while others, such as waters skiing or horseback riding, are deemed extreme to be just another form of harassment and misogyny. “Frankly there is no life experience that is not made more rewarding by breastfeeding while doing it. Accommodations should be made so that nursing mothers can comfortably feed their children whenever they are hungry and not when society dictates it is appropriate.”

Thursday, January 21, 2016

God Apologies for Clerical Error Leading to Death of Glenn Frey.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing an unfortunate clerical error, God apologized today for the untimely death of rock legend Glenn Frey.

Guy Fieri, shown here being just an awful, awful human being mere moments before serving a flaming pile of his own feces as a signature dish at one of his terrible restaurants

"This truly almost never happens," the Supreme Being and Creator of the universe explained. "I mean, I can see how it happened. Guy Fieri has the same initials, and we just relocated that department to the third floor so it's been chaotic around here lately."

Frey, a founding members of The Eagles along with Don Henley, Bernie Leadon, and Randy Meisner, won six Grammy Awards and co-wrote "Hotel California", a decade defining song for many growing up in the 1970's. According to God, Frey was a singular talent the likes of which may not be seen again. "I really screwed up and I'm sorry. If it helps you feel better, I'm still going to take Guy Fieri, and he's going to suffer...a lot."

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Science Shows Superfoods Would Have Saved Millions of Lives During Black Death.....

Sedona, AZ- According to new research out of the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science in Sedona, incorporation of superfoods into the daily diet of mid-14th century Europeans might have saved millions of lives during the Black Death.

A 14th century French cave drawing depicting a typical day in the life of our primitive European ancestors during the peak years of the Black Death
"I wouldn't call this a surprising result given the multitude of proven superfood health benefits," Project leader Scientist Patel explained. "One can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards, huddled together for warmth in dark caves, living in constant fear of being carried off by a pterodactyl while foraging for food, and then having to deal with the bubonic plague. Yikes!"

Although it may be too late for our primitive ancestors, modern farming techniques have made superfoods like kale and acai berries available year round. And advances in blending technology have unlocked their true antioxidant potential in an increasing array of powerful and delicious smoothie recipes. According to Patel, the time has come for the people entrusted with public safety to act. "We are calling for the federal government to begin stockpiling kale, mangosteens, goji berries and other superfoods for distribution in the event of a future pandemic."

Thursday, January 14, 2016

New Study Reveals Babies Resistant to Behavior Manipulation.....

Wilmington, DE-A recently concluded 10-year, 7 million dollar study of the effectiveness of common methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant.

Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself
"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

According to Scott, these findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of behavior manipulation. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."

The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results, from the beginning. In a recently leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House however is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.