Friday, January 29, 2016

Increasing Number of Dental Patients are Hiring Doulas.....

Tonganoxie, KS- Ever since she was a young girl, Suzy Flanders dreamed of having a natural root canal without pain medications or anesthesia, just like in the Bible.

An inverted quantum matrix proving the myriad benefits of using of a dental doula
"When the big day finally came, and my dentist recommended the procedure, I couldn't believe it," Flanders explained. "I read everything I could find online and in the magazines in the waiting room, and the right choice quickly became clear."

What she found was a consistent recommendation to have someone present in the procedure room that been through the experience themselves. Many proponents of natural dental care endorse this practice because there is clear evidence that it might help. After discussing the idea with her husband Daniel, who she met at a local Home Depot last March, they decided to seek out the services of a dental doula.

Just like doulas that attend the birth of a child or farm animal, the specific focus of a dental doula involves being present prior to and during a procedure in order to provide reassurance, support, and information. The dental doula that Flanders found served as a calming presence and a firm yet supple voice of support and encouragement throughout the experience. "We really connected. She had been through it all herself and felt the blinding pain that I was feeling. I was able to focus on her voice and cling to it like a piece of floating driftwood during a powerful storm."

Introspective data from across the nation has shown an increasing utilization of dental doula services over the past decade. According to the American College of Dental Doulas (ACDD) there has been a steady growth in interest in Kansas as well as many other states, even Hawaii, Alaska, and Nebraska. They believe that dental doulas empower patients and ease communication with dentists, orthodontists, and their support staff without giving dental advice.

"We've moved past the point where people with gum disease and rotten teeth are learning about the benefits of natural dental procedures," ACDD president Jaime Friemdan revealed. "Now people know what they want and why they want it. They just need the support to get it."

First-time dental patients are especially vulnerable, according to Friemdan. When a dental doula enters the room, they allow for the patient to relax and focus on blocking out the agony that they are about to experience. They are ready with helpful information and encourage reasonable expectations. "We can tell the patient that they made the right choice and help them focus on the benefits of that choice between the shrieks and intermittent sobbing."

Patients interested in using the services of a dental doula need to do their homework. Unfortunately, no states require certification of competence. Some, like Tonganoxie dentist Grint Ratchey, compare the current dental doula climate to the Wild West. "You just never know what you are going to get. Some dental doulas are excellent, some don't know the oral cavity from a hole in the ground. I know when a patient has made a good choice though. They all scream, but there is an underlying peace beneath the screams that reminds me of why I got into natural dentistry in the first place."

A dental procedure can be one of the most rewarding and meaningful experiences in a person's life, but it can also be one of the most challenging. Patients who rate their root canals and tooth extractions as positive tend to express feelings of being in control. Dental doulas work for the patient, not the dentist or insurance company, which frees them from many constraints that interfere with the desired outcome. Dental procedures are about more than just fixing a tooth, they are about fulfilling a mouth's destiny.

Suzy Flanders now has had three root canals and an extraction, all with the aid of a dental doula. She is even considering a fourth root canal and is interested in having the procedure done in a warm water environment surrounded by koi and/or a dolphin. Because of her positive experiences with dental doulas, she says she would recommend them to anyone. " I will never forget when Dr. Ratchey handed me my extracted tooth, my husband on my right and my dental doula on my left, both enveloping me with gentle and relaxing energy."

Monday, January 25, 2016

You'll Never Believe What Happened When This Adorable Toddler Responded to an Actual In-Flight Medical Emergency.....

You'll Never Believe What Happened When This Adorable Toddler Responded to an Actual In-Flight Medical Emergency!
Is there a doctor on the plane?
1. Two medical doctors stayed in their seats, relieved that it was somebody else's problem now.

2. The teenage boy in 11B ignored the commotion and continued to focus intently on taking advantage of the free WiFi to look at porn without the his mom or the lady in 11C noticing.

3. That sassy older flight attendant sarcastically remarked, "This is what happens when you get health insurance through Obamacare."

4. The co-pilot made a mental note to rededicate his life to his family and his church just as soon as the plane touched down and he had a chance to stash the 2 kilos of Colombian yayo sitting in his rectal cavity.

5. The toddler was accepted to the University of Medicine and Health Sciences in St. Kitts.

6. The man, a 72-year-old Vietnam veteran with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease who forgot to pack his inhaler, died clutching his chest and muttering something about the angel of death.

7. The child's parents were eventually sued in civil court by the family of the dead passenger. Financially ruined, her mother soon began drinking again and her father just left one morning and never returned.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Area Playground Not the Same Since Diarrhea Slide Incident.....

Homewood, AL- Despite a thorough cleaning, and a successful manhunt to find and make an example of those responsible sponsored by the Mayor's office, the playground at Homewood's Overton park has yet to fully recover from a mid-December diarrhea slide incident.

This Overton park playground, believed to be a physical representation of the spirit of Gaia, may never fully recover.
"This park used to be full of children on a Saturday afternoon, or after school let out," Parks and Recreation Director Linkletter Binkley explained. "Something stirred that day when the diarrhea flowed down that cursed slide. Something deep within the very bowels of this land. Something evil. It isn't fully awake yet, but that day is near. The day where we are judged and held accountable for our sins against nature."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of diarrhea on slides during his 50 years in Homewood. "Diarrhea comes and diarrhea goes around here. And people move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963 and I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Millions of Snowed In Americans Planning to Learn More About Presidential Candidates.....

Washington, D.C.- With up to 2 feet of snow having already fallen in some areas, and perhaps days to weeks of power outages expected across much of the Eastern seaboard, millions of Americans are planning to learn more about the presidential candidates in order to become more informed voters in the upcoming election.

A line of hopeful advanced citizens standing in line outside of a Manhattan public library, hoping to stock up on books about the American political process while supplies hold
"If you're looking for a silver lining in this situation, a lot of people are going to finally have the kind of time on their hands necessary to do a deep dive on the various backgrounds and positions of the presidential candidates," explained D.C. area kindergarten teacher Kacee Mistgrave. "The lines at the bookstores and libraries are crazy but it's worth it in order to give the democratic process the respect it deserves."

This isn't the first time that a natural disaster provided time for reading and quiet contemplation about a complicated topic. According to Alabaster Montreal, a professor of Cultural Literacy and Applied Applications at East Coast College of Such Things, there is a long history of Americans coming together to advance their understanding of vital concepts. "In the aftermath of the devastating 2005 hurricane season, we saw millions of people along the Gulf Coast researching the impact of global climate change on future weather patterns as well as the science of evolution."

Friday, January 22, 2016

American Academy of Pediatrics Publishes Guidelines on Extreme Breastfeeding.....

Portland, OR- When new mother Jessica Ramirez found a Groupon for free skydiving lessons, she imagined having the experience of a lifetime soaring above the clouds. After all, this was an adventure that she had dreamed of embarking on for years. Excited, and more than a little nervous, Ramirez approached the counter with her smartphone in one hand and the head of her quietly nursing 3-month-old daughter Jennifer supported in the other.

An extreme breastfeeder, shown here feeding her young infant during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona

“The man at the counter gave me this look, like he was shocked that I would feed my hungry baby in public,” Ramirez recounted. “And when he told me that they didn’t allow mothers to breastfeed during jumps, my jaw hit the floor. This is 2016. This is America.”
Ramirez, an artisinal home infusionist at Portland's Peach & Barrow compounding pharmacy, is part of growing trend in human lactation known as extreme breastfeeding. Extreme breastfeeding, though considered pejorative by some in the lactation support industry, is considered by many proponents to be the leading edge of a struggle to normalize public breastfeeding. They encourage mothers to breastfeed when and wherever they choose, even if that means making some people uncomfortable. 

"The scientific evidence is incredibly clear when it comes to the benefits of human lactation," Nancy Shiversmith IBCLC, RLC, GED, CPR certified, a Portland area lactation consultant revealed. "Isn't it bad enough that many of these children had to wait up to 9 months in the womb before having access to their mother's precious elixir of life? Should they have to wait for her to finish her mixed martial training class too?"

In response to an increase in incidents involving the practice of extreme breastfeeding, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Section on Breastfeeding recently published an updated policy statement. In the report, common concerns from mothers, business owners, and government officials are addressed. The statement endorses the practice and calls for more accommodations for mothers choosing to breastfeed during nontraditional activities, like whitewater rafting or zip lining, or when nursing their child in atypical locations, such as a shooting range or the summit of Mount Everest.
Mort Fishman MD FAAP, lead author of the AAP report, believes that society needs to move beyond this issue and that the new guidelines are a step in the right direction. He considers the labeling of some activities as appropriate for breastfeeding while others, such as waters skiing or horseback riding, are deemed extreme to be just another form of harassment and misogyny. “Frankly there is no life experience that is not made more rewarding by breastfeeding while doing it. Accommodations should be made so that nursing mothers can comfortably feed their children whenever they are hungry and not when society dictates it is appropriate.”

Thursday, January 21, 2016

God Apologies for Clerical Error Leading to Death of Glenn Frey.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing an unfortunate clerical error, God apologized today for the untimely death of rock legend Glenn Frey.

Guy Fieri, shown here being just an awful, awful human being mere moments before serving a flaming pile of his own feces as a signature dish at one of his terrible restaurants

"This truly almost never happens," the Supreme Being and Creator of the universe explained. "I mean, I can see how it happened. Guy Fieri has the same initials, and we just relocated that department to the third floor so it's been chaotic around here lately."

Frey, a founding members of The Eagles along with Don Henley, Bernie Leadon, and Randy Meisner, won six Grammy Awards and co-wrote "Hotel California", a decade defining song for many growing up in the 1970's. According to God, Frey was a singular talent the likes of which may not be seen again. "I really screwed up and I'm sorry. If it helps you feel better, I'm still going to take Guy Fieri, and he's going to suffer...a lot."

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Science Shows Superfoods Would Have Saved Millions of Lives During Black Death.....

Sedona, AZ- According to new research out of the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science in Sedona, incorporation of superfoods into the daily diet of mid-14th century Europeans might have saved millions of lives during the Black Death.

A 14th century French cave drawing depicting a typical day in the life of our primitive European ancestors during the peak years of the Black Death
"I wouldn't call this a surprising result given the multitude of proven superfood health benefits," Project leader Scientist Patel explained. "One can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards, huddled together for warmth in dark caves, living in constant fear of being carried off by a pterodactyl while foraging for food, and then having to deal with the bubonic plague. Yikes!"

Although it may be too late for our primitive ancestors, modern farming techniques have made superfoods like kale and acai berries available year round. And advances in blending technology have unlocked their true antioxidant potential in an increasing array of powerful and delicious smoothie recipes. According to Patel, the time has come for the people entrusted with public safety to act. "We are calling for the federal government to begin stockpiling kale, mangosteens, goji berries and other superfoods for distribution in the event of a future pandemic."

Thursday, January 14, 2016

New Study Reveals Babies Resistant to Behavior Manipulation.....

Wilmington, DE-A recently concluded 10-year, 7 million dollar study of the effectiveness of common methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant.

Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself
"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

According to Scott, these findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of behavior manipulation. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."

The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results, from the beginning. In a recently leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House however is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Area Chiropractor Lowers Center of Gravity, Reduces Elderly Fall Risk.....

Belvidere, NE- Falls are one of the leading causes of injury in the elderly, sending millions each year into the emergency department. In addition to the numerous cases of traumatic brain injury, broken hips, and even death, falls in this population cost more than $30 billion annually. But one local chiropractor may have found a revolutionary way to significantly reduce the risk of a fall by lowering a patient's center of gravity.

Belvidere Chiropractor Frank Grimes, shown here not admitting any culpability in the wrongful death of a patient who fell outside of Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe, home of the World Famous $3 Dollar Meatloaf
But what is gravity, and where is its center usually located? Gravity, as defined by the internet is the tendency for objects to be pulled towards one another. We typically think of gravity when discussing stars and planets, but this natural phenomenon even effects people. Gravity is why you fall after jumping up to reach something on a high shelf instead of floating towards the ceiling like the astronauts in movies like the recent blockbuster Star Wars: Here Comes the Force Again.

The center of gravity is the point where the weight of the human body is most concentrated. The lower the center of gravity, the harder it is to topple something over. This is why a 5-foot-tall, 320 pounds NFL offensive guard is much harder to tackle than a 6-foot-tall ballerina who weighs a third as much.

As Belvidere chiropractor Frank Grimes saw more and more of his elderly patients falling down over the years, he struggled with his inability to help them. "I tried everything I could think of," Grimes explained. "At every visit I was discussing fall safety, urging them to follow basic prevention guidelines like keeping their shoes tied and clearing banana peels and loose marbles from all walkways but it wasn't helping. They were literally falling over like weird smelling human dominoes!"

Inspiration struck Dr. Grimes one day while watching a sumo wrestling match on the PBS Sports channel. He noticed that the wrestlers with lower centers of gravity were less likely to be thrown out of the ring and into the traditional Japanese pool of robotic electric eels. He immediately drove to his office workshop and got to work, forgetting to even notify the local authorities that he was leaving home after his court designated curfew.

Dr. Grimes developed a prototype for what would become the Gravity Stabilization System, or GSS, within a week. Testing started soon after. Though there were a few bumps and bruises along the way, and one out-of-court settlement on a wrongful death claim, he quickly had tens of anecdotes proving that the GSS worked. By his recollection, probably none of the elderly patients he has chosen to participate in case reports have fallen, and his work has even been featured in an advertising supplement to Online Publishing Module #5, 428: Gravity Based Chiropractic Interventions.

So far, despite glowing reviews from patients and an appearance on Belvidere Live! with Mayor Jenkins, the conventional medical establishment has yet to recognize the efforts of Dr. Grimes. But he isn't surprised. "All truth goes through three stages. Ridicule, violent opposition, and then acceptance. Galileo was assassinated when he challenged the King of England's beliefs on whether or not Pluto is a planet, but time has proven him to have been correct. It isn't a planet, not even close."

Dr. Grimes sees the GSS as his gift to humanity. In fact, he doesn't even charge his elderly patients for the device. That's a $200 value. But he cautions that although the decrease in fall risk is substantial, it isn't as simple as just putting on the GSS and reaping the benefits. "Any nerve interference, from a spinal misalignment to a minor leg length discrepancy, can reduce the system's effectiveness. Weekly spinal exams in my office are necessary to ensure that the nervous system is working at full capacity."

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2016.....

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2016
by Brabara Bloodstone
Brabara Bloodstone, shown here ordering a pizza without the use of her psychic powers
Here we are at the start of a new year, and once again the world is looking to me for answers. Everyone is in a hurry to find out what is in store for them in the future. The fates of individual humans, governments, and even the planet itself have made themselves known to me using my special gift of psychic intuition, just like in 1942 when I thought I heard someone in the other room but it was just the television, but later that week there really was someone in the other room when my sister Gladys visited from Pittsburgh. 

This is the time of year for spiritual renewal, just as the Earth's magnetic aura balances itself in preparation for another trip around the Sun. Seeing the future allows me to shed my astral skin like a snake sheds its actual skin, and I emerge reinvigorated. Like the time I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feared something terrible had happened that day, and it did, 34 years and 5 months later on 9/11.

Sadly, I can't always prevent the disasters, or aid the advances, that I see in my psychic visions. I am as much a passenger on the unseen currents of the river of time as everyone else. The only difference is that I can sense even the most subtle changes in the direction of its flow, like when I foretold the coming of Winter and the scourge of the White Walkers.

Here are my top twenty predictions for 2016:

Health and Medicine

1. The common cold will finally be conquered in 2016, not with antibiotics or a new vaccine but by using a gravitational device discovered during an excavation of the Egyptian pyramids. Suppressed by the pharmaceutical industry, the device will be placed in an unmarked box, one of thousands like it in a secret government warehouse.

2. The CDC and WHO will announce new guidelines for the diagnosis and management of fetal chronic fatigue syndrome. This will result in the next step in human evolution and, ultimately, the beginning of the end of the human race.

An infant born with fetal chronic fatigue syndrome despite aggressive prenatal interventions, shown here just seconds before being euthanized
3. Antibiotic resistance will continue to be a concern despite efforts to curb inappropriate use of the once life-saving medications. Patients will be forced to rely on the healing ways of ancient cultures and also modern unconventional approaches to treating infections, such as Quantum Healing and Robot-Assisted Reiki. Everyone will die.

4. A simple dietary modification will be shown to reduce the incidence of heart disease but will have a disastrous impact on global climate change because of a significant increase in the amount of methane and carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere. 

Culture and Society

5. Reality television programming will become increasingly popular. In order to satisfy the nation's voyeuristic lust, President Trump will sign an executive order removing all rights to privacy. Cameras will be installed in every home. As Summer draws to an end, the first gladiator style fights to the death will take place at federal prisons in order to satiate a desensitized public. 

6. The east wall of the Boston Globe headquarters will take home the Academy Award for Best Supporting Structure in a Motion Picture for its role in Spotlight.

The Oscar winning facade, shown here right before accepting a role in President Trump's biopic "He Built the Wall"
7. Kim Kardashian will begin to asexually reproduce by budding. Kanye will be consumed by her genetically identical clone offspring for his precious bone marrow and neural tissue so that they might live.

8. Marvel Studios will release its first pornographic superhero film. It will be the highest grossing superhero porn since Stan Lee's 1957 sex tape where he wore a Spider-Man costume with a hole in the crotch.

Sports and Recreation

9. The New England Patriots will once again win the Superbowl in 2016, narrowly defeating the New Orleans Saints, who despite not making the playoffs will reach the championship after all the other teams eat at a Chipotle.

10. What the hell is lacrosse?

What is going on? Is it me? It's not me, right? It makes no sense.
11. The newest outdoor hobby sweeping the nation in 2016 is the Virtual Outdoor Activity Generator. Millions of Americans will go camping, water skiing, and even rock climbing while receiving intravenous nutrition through a femoral line and pooping into an adult diaper.

12. Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Shane Peterson will win the Arthur Ashe Courage Award for his outspoken support of athletes suffering with ingrown toenails. 

The Environment

13. We will see a resurgence of wild fish populations once the tuna begin harvesting humans. 

A yellowfin tuna, photographed mere moments before decapitating a fisherman with its powerful caudal fin, thus beginning a bloody fight for survival between the scombrid and hominid families
14. The climate change tipping point, the exact moment when the interventions of man will no longer be enough to prevent our planet's steady transformation into a barren wasteland devoid of all life, will occur when Kansas dentist Grant Ritchey forgets to turn the lights off when closing the office on October 16th. 

15. Californians will stop whining about their drought as the Golden State slips violently into the Pacific ocean on April 23rd.

16. In December of 2016, a powerful coronal mass ejection from the Sun will wipe out all satellites and ground based communication capabilities on the Earth. Forced to rely on clumsy lead and ink based writing devices and pressed wood pulp, new laws will be enacted that make cursive illegal and the use of punctuation and full sentences punishable by death.


17. Although it will fail to win in the general election, the Dembot 3000, a last minute replacement for Hillary Clinton after she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future, will complete its mission and kill Rand Paul in order to prevent his great-granddaughter from building the Dembot 3000, thus saving Christmas.

Dembot 2000 "Hillary Clinton", shown here at the exact moment she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future when there is a malfunction in its voice modulator


18. Advances in smart home technology will result in the fully operational artificial intelligence programming that will control all aspects of day-to-day life by early Spring, meaning that the majority of children born in 2016 will never know life without the fear of being assimilated into the core processing matrix.

19. Disregarding all concerns of safety and ethics, Proctor and Gamble will introduce the Gillette Cosmos. The patented Quantaglide technology will involve coating each blade with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. The black holes will lift even the toughest beards away from the face, allowing contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction will then occur that will utterly destroy each hair. 


20. The Vatican will be forced to reveal that Pope Francis is actually just three kids standing on each other's shoulders and wearing papal vestments. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

Toddler Tantrum to Continue Until Applesauce Demands Met.....

Pearland, TX-After a number of unsuccessful attempts at placating 3-year-old Timmy Watkins with a variety of toys, stuffed animals, and even a favorite episode of Dora the Explorer, a spokesperson for the Watkins family has announced this morning that the toddler's tantrum, thought by leading child psychologists to be applesauce related, is likely to continue.

Timmy Watkins, shown here soiling himself in protest of his parents draconian applesauce embargo.
Rhonda Sinclair, Timmy's International Toddler Union (ITU) representative, has been present for the duration of the fit. "My primary responsibility in these matters is to establish, wherever possible, a cooperative and reciprocal relationship between the two parties and to hopefully facilitate the settlement of complaints before they become formal grievances. But ultimately I am looking out for Timmy's best interests. And right now that is applesauce."

Family lawyer "Uncle" Carl Tuminello has been keeping the press updated throughout the conniption. "This could have been avoided folks. My clients entered discussions with Timmy early on in a good faith effort to defuse the situation and Timmy has been unreasonable in his demands. They are not going to budge on this. There will be absolutely no applesauce. The kitchen is closed, end of story."

ITU's Sinclair has made it clear that a strike is a possibility if Timmy is not granted at least a fruit cup. "It's an option we are considering. I don't think it will come down to a strike though. They seem like reasonable people who wouldn't want the guilt of a worldwide toddler meltdown on their conscience."

But Timmy's parents don't appear to be concerned, even as a local militia, formed by area toddlers armed with permanent markers and full diapers, gathers near the pool supply storage bin in the side yard. "A strike. They don't have the guts. Look, it's almost nap time, he's been up all morning screaming, and we benadryled his orange juice. This will all be over soon."